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Turning 46 – and not thinking I would (Oh, and some stuff about debauchery)

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I will be 46.  (I actually had to do the math today on a calculator – I wasn’t sure if I was going to be 46 or 47 … any of you forget too?)

*TANGENT* I’ve written a couple of posts that I deleted – because they contained photos I thought were beautiful, but they WERE me in various states of undress.   Artistic though – no boobs or privates.  I deleted them because I try to keep this site at least rated ‘PG’ – but I’m posting these pics now – and NOT deleting because at 45, almost 46, I should have confidence.   I should document myself before I sag, and I should trust that those of you reading this, are READING because you like the written word and probably have some tolerance and admiration for self-expression.  I need to trust this.  So here we go.  The photos I posted, then woke up and thought “FUCK! That’s TOO X-rated for my site!”  When they’re SO not.

*TANGENT OVER*

Me, in the 'Sideways' (movie) chair - the light playing on my undies is the sun coming through the wicker holes.  I keep telling myself,

Me, in the ‘Sideways’ (movie) chair – the light playing on my undies is the sun coming through the wicker holes. I keep telling myself, “It’s just a bare back! CHILL!”

My legs and tummy.  Jim caught the perfect angle.  And again, I had to tell myself to chill - it's not Xrated.

My legs and tummy. Jim caught the perfect angle. And again, I had to tell myself to chill – it’s not Xrated.

Just legs.  And I love the light from the door window shutters playing across them.

Just legs. And I love the light from the door window shutters playing across them.

I’ve never been one of those chicks that have multiple ’29th’ birthdays, refusing to hit their 30’s – or have ever lied about my age.  Ok – to be fair, I DID age myself in my handwritten English passport when I was 20 to be able to accompany my English friend to a bar.

Totally worked.

But then before I traveled again, I had to get a freaking new passport.

Fail.

SO I was asked today: “Are you excited about your birthday?”

And honestly, for me at least, the older I get the less excited I get.

I’m just surprised and grateful to be alive after all the debauchery in my 20’s.  I seriously, SERIOUSLY did NOT see me making it to 40.

Although, two things consistently happen on that ‘special’ day.

1.  I wake up and have that momentary “It’s my birthday!” thought.

2. I want to look pretty for the day.

So when I took my quick-lunch and headed to Ross with a $9 limit (in my head) for a new dress – I was happy to leave the store with a $7.49 clearance outfit that will give me that ‘new outfit feeling.’

That feeling is so funny isn’t it?

Unless people see you week after week in the same stuff, if you’re wearing something new, no one else knows it, yet – you carry yourself differently. LOL!

Anyway – back to being an adult and not thinking I’d make it there.

I was a VERY good girl in my youth.   I was.  And when I hit my 20’s, I guess I felt like I had to make up for lost time.

I dated some bad boys.

I became the epicenter of some very bad things.

I recall one night, at a warehouse rave that even cops would enter, see the debauchery and decide, “Um, yeah – no – we’re not getting into this” when I had tried Ecstasy for the first and only time.

I was in the VIP room – my boyfriend at the time was DJing the event.

We were in a circle just chatting.

When everyone suddenly hushed.  Now, I’m feeling good.  And enjoying the moment and keep talking.

I noticed the look on everyone elses faces … and look up.

And there is a gun.

image

To my head.

What I hadn’t noticed, was that the host of the party, was sitting on the ground, execution style (on his knees, hands behind head) with another gun to HIS head.

They asked us to remove all jewelry and were taking the money the host charged to get into the event.

The first words out of my mouth??

“You just ruined my high.”

These were crazy times.  Bonkers days that rolled into nights and back into days and “Shall we go get breakfast?” as we squinted at the sun.

There was retaliation that night.

And shortly after – a friend of ours was tortured and killed.

Dangerous times.

And I know who was behind it – and for the life of me – or for his life, I cannot remember his name.

And I’m sorry for that.

And I’m sorry that I was a part of that world.

I was also given a knife and much trust in watching the door for other raves – taking money in a city RIDDLED with gang activity.

image

Me?!  The innocent British girl who was still playing with Barbies until 16?

So, you can see – that my 46th birthday was not anticipated.

I can thank my son for that.

But I do think back – and I look at my life today – and I think, anyone can change.

I don’t see hopelessness where others do.

I don’t see losers where others do – because ‘losers’ are a state of mind – or a stage of life.

I STILL see SUCH good.

And so tomorrow – I will be SO grateful to have reached 46.  FORTY FREAKING SIX! With a healthy, loving, talented son and an amazing, talented, beautiful fiance – and embrace my years.

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Deep thoughts @ ‘too bloody early O’Clock’

SO I was thinking. (Uh-Oh). I’ll begin with why I’m up.  My alarm went off, I blatantly ignored it with a thump to the snooze button, then actually acknowledged the 2nd set of beeps. 

oh crap meme

PANIC!  Oh crap!  It’s 6:33!  I’ve got to wake Nic up!  Get his breakfast!  Get him out of the door in 7 minutes to make the bus!  Okay, if I hurry, I can get ready for work and drive him to school … (yes, he’s 17, get off me, I like our routine, besides, he sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear his alarm).

Oh.  That’s right.  It’s Saturday.  And he’s not even here. 

Ta-da.  I’m up.

I’m not one of those ‘go back to sleep’ types.  Dammit.  So I’m up.

Back to thinking.

I have a book someone loaned me called ‘The Big Book of If’s’.  Thought it would be fun to post one a day on my Facebook page and see what people had to say.

This morning was ‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’

Yesterdays was ‘If you could change one thing about your mother’s life, what would it be?’

Now – I recall every birthday as a girl, blowing out the candles, squeezing my eyes tight and (oh so originally) wishing for a pony. Actually, I wished for a horse.

birthday candles

Never got one – did go on to become quite a good rider in both English and Western.  But I digress.

What if *poof* there was suddenly a horse in the garden? 

When we’re little, we don’t think about the fact that the horse might actually need things.  Like, oh say, food.  Room to roam, medical care, new shoes, accessories, baths, being picked up after, etc. etc.

Had a similar thought when the Power Ball lottery here was up to half a billion dollars.  No, not that I would buy a pony, but about our initial gut response to what we would want, or want to do without considering the side effects. 

If you’re not a greedy, self-centered bastard, which describes no one I know thank goodness – one repeated answer to ‘what would you do if you won the lottery’ is usually ‘I would give a lot of it away, help people’.

Very noble.  Very kind.  Very.  However, (and this is how my mind works) what about the butterfly effect?!

What if you help (with all good intentions) someone out of their tough situation and they were supposed to be going through it? 

I can vouch for the fact that when things were really the darkest, I came out of it stronger, more self-aware, more spiritual and a hell of a lot more grateful. 

I’d have to carefully assess someone’s entire situation before giving them the ‘gift’ of money.  Money doesn’t make everything okay.

Are they working?  Are they trying?  Are they making the best of things? 

Bailing someone out is a lot different from helping someone up.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t be giving money away left and right, because I totally would – I’d just have to take time to know if it was the right thing to do in each situation. 

OK.  Onto the ‘If’. 

Thought long and hard about the mother question.  In some selfish way, I considered a lot of changes I could have wished for her, but then I probably wouldn’t have been born.  We can’t have that!  Good grief.

Even if I wished she knew her value – that could have deleted me right out of the picture.  If she knew her value at a younger age, she may never have slept with my dad!  She might have remained celibate for crying out loud.

Remember the monkeys paw people!! (What is it with the critters?  Butterfly effect, Monkeys paw)

TheMonkeysPaw

So my answer ended up being ‘that she had her dad longer’.  He passed too soon.  And she has regrets that she didn’t get to say good-bye and they weren’t speaking at the time.   But, then again, who’s to say that didn’t teach her to be sure to tell everyone from that point forward that she loves them while they’re here? 

This is my point.  Everything has a ripple effect.  We may not see it.  We may not understand it.  We may not like it.  But it’s true.

If I hadn’t lived my ‘Debauchery’ bits, well, first, this blog would be called something else.  Secondly, there would be no Nic. 

Reminds me of that song by FUN – the last part:

“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
When I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible {lies|nights}…ahhh…”

So we have to be careful what we wish for.  And as for today’s ‘if’.  Could wish the miracle would be ‘no war’.  ‘No sickness’.  But – if there werent’ sickness or disease, how soon until the Earth just spiraled right out of orbit with the intense weight of the mega-population?  We procreate faster than we die these days you know. (I have absolutely no facts to support that, and I’m not going to look it up either).

I shall answer today’s ‘if’ this way. 

‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’

I would ask that he fill everyone with compassion. (That or Serenity, I can NEVER just pick one thing!)

And then I would hope that one of the compassionate people would come by and give me a pony!

ponywish

Future me

 

LOL! Found this today and could not resist. 

Not only does it have soup (the debauchery kind I’m sure) – but look! Looky look!

It’s me in a dress made in my favorite color – my long hair that I refuse to cut in a bun, and my future cat.  (The others must be lurking just out of the view of the artist because I threaten to have at least a dozen). 

That’s cranberry juice in the glass as I still don’t drink – and probably that’s a photo of my son on the wall.  He must be doing quite well for himself wearing a suit and all.

Someone must have snuck in and placed that lace doily table-cloth on top of my perfectly ravishing red one, because I wouldn’t have put it there.

😉