Category Archives: Love
The Menagerie – and the wounds.
My parents cool deck needs some work. They do what they can, but I came out of a day of swimming looking like I’ve been beaten up. I had to explain each wound to my co-workers.
No, he doesn’t hit me.
No, this isn’t a ‘sex’ wound.
No, I didn’t fall down.
I DID take full advantage of the pool. But the coating on the side is like cut glass – and when they’ve spent as much as they have getting the INSIDE suitable for water and swimming, who could blame them for waiting on ‘aesthetics’?
Not me.
But I suffered. Every knuckle. Every knee. Every arm that hung onto the side to chat, then turn to respond to someone – injured. I can LOOK at something and be injured by it. It’s ridiculous. I bruise so easily.
I bleed easily too.
I will not speak of that night. Let’s just say, 95% of it was freaking awesome, and the other 5%? Well, when you have people imbibing and that love one another – shite happens. Because we feel safe being ourselves.
And sometimes ourselves isn’t who we want to be.
Then there was the ‘plank off’ which I INSISTED on – although my very fit mom told me was not a great idea. My core is still hurting today. LOL!
Here’s some pics from the party, then we’ll get to the menagerie.
Fun time was had by all – until it wasn’t a fun time.
I have GOT to learn to let go.
To appreciate what I have and quit living in the past.
ANYWAY – this thing showed up ….
Did I NOT tell Nic “no more critters???”
So, now he has like a dozen fish – a hamster (the first critter, whose name is Scarelett, but forever I will call ‘Scratchy’.) Now a Guinea Pig who looks at me with sad eyes.
I thought tonight, ‘Eff it!’ and brought Butters in. Let her explore the new smell.
She did great! But then … Draper marched in – and I, in my ninja, stupid, only human mode did a tuck and roll onto the floor I’ve only seen in movies.
Was enough to alarm the cat who I’m sure was thinking “What the ‘F’ is she DOING??????” And I twisted my toe.
SO unnecessarily twisted my toe. Add that to the injury list. LOL!
Sorry Paltrow, I can never be a body double, because I maim myself just LOOKING at something.
Animals are settled for the night.
Nic is gone, because he’s saying ‘bye for now’ to his true love going back to college out-of-state – and I have my honey working his arse off for his art.
And wounds.
Wounds I couldn’t let go that 5% of the night.
And very visible wounds I can’t stop saying ‘ouch!’ to today.
Haboob and gratitude
Him: “Let’s go in, it’s really starting to come down.”
Me: “Oh my God, I just had a flash forward … is this us at 80? ‘It’s really comin’ down honey’.”
But when did we become this?
Not ‘we’ as in my honey and I, but ‘we’ meaning … I guess me and my age? Or, the anonymous ‘they’ at my age?
I was always taught by my mother “You’re not made of sugar, you won’t melt.”
I loved that.
I love the rain.
I love the sulphur scent – the asphalt and dirt kicking their unique fragrance into the air.
I love the misting on my body. Especially in the desert.
Love watching the lightning.
Bracing myself for the BOOM! of thunder.
As a result, and probably because I don’t wear a ton of makeup, I’m not afraid to get caught in the rain. (And yes, Pina Coladas and making love at midnight are nice too.)
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I’ll cut to the quick – it’s almost 3 weeks since I’ve had my car.
Today, a dear friend and her husband loaned me their ‘beater’ which is anything but. It’s a trustworthy Toyota.
I was told to go home when a haboob presented itself – crossing the river.
(I did end up getting caught in it, which was bonkers.)
Was nice to be able to just go home – in juxtaposition to yesterday when I waited two hours after work for my son to get off of work and collect me.
Without a car, I feel so impotent.
But then I focused on the good.
That someone WAS coming – that I had a home to go home to bone tired.
That I was safe waiting where I was.
And knowing that NOW, finally, the mechanics are on my side (I really don’t want to go into that whole story, just know, it’s at least a ginormous post worth of negativity – and I don’t need negativity right now.)
Another part has been ordered, I was even offered a cell number to one of the owners and was offered use of his extra car.
Things are looking up.
And tomorrow is my honey’s birthday. SO glad he was born. And I’m gonna go sit back out in the rain – because life is beautiful.
Friends are too.
And here’s an old favorite of mine to put you in my rainy, yet grateful mood. Song is apropos for the time I spent looking for Jim to be back in my life too. God, how I missed him.
‘Staycations’ and bonding with the other woman ;)
I mentioned in the video that I’ve shared down the post two days off in addition to the weekend.
This matters people!
Usually, my days off are because
A) A handy man is coming to fix something and I must be here to maintain peace between him/her and the dog.
B) Someone is sick, and it’s not me.
C) Something else has broken and I’m waiting for either a tow truck or another handyman.
D) I am picking someone up from the airport.
The last ‘vacation’ I can remember is when Nic was small. Well, he’s at least 6 foot now, so anything under that.
So I took a ‘Staycation.’
And when I ‘STAY’ I mean just that. That’s what I want to do! What I’ve NEEDED to do for a while. Nap, snack, binge watch shows, cuddle, nap some more.
I couldn’t even do THAT!
I’ve got one day remaining now – and Sunday, I did laundry as usual – and before I felt like I could chill out with no guilt, I had the kitchen rug/very large rug/carpet outside.
Washed floor.
Cleaned the stove within an inch of its life.
Was defrosting fish for fish tacos.
Fixed the piece of house that came off in our bonkers monsoon wind – nails in my mouth – hammer in hand. (Yes, I’m a contractor now)
Cleared the ‘we don’t have a shed anymore’ porch so we don’t look MORE like trailer trash.
Polished all the “I drive too fast on the dirt road next to this house” (NOT ME) dust off of our surfaces.
And more.
Bottom line – I don’t feel like I get to chill out until I’ve earned it.
This was contagious. My poor honey, after pouring himself a cup of coffee must have felt guilty too – and cleaned our bedroom.
We still had the bathrooms to do.
And all I wanted to do was get goofy!!!! And know that I have NO alarm tomorrow or the next day.
And I freaking COULDN’T! Not until everything was done.
WHY is it that we women – and I’m not leaving you guys out of this – although … (lol)
WHY is it we women can’t chill until everything is done???????
This is HUGE! A 4 day weekend.
And there I was already planning my fun bathroom cleaning ride. lol. I’ll get a Disney fast pass and get that done so I can watch a movie without guilt 😉
*tangent – did you know, that in ‘admin’ mode you can put a post in trash and all it takes is one poke (if you have a touch screen – I assume this is the same for keyboard, however, fingertips are more unforgiving than cursors. No “Are you sure?????”) I call BS. Because, if you want to edit, you have to go through WP hoops, ok, maybe just confirming the edit. But, DELETING an entrire post? Yeah, ok, GONE! lol) Why am I mentioning this? Hmmmmm ….. let’s take a wild guess.
Tangent over.
So now, my honey has stopped drinking coffee and having a beer.
YAY!
Then my son and his girlfriend stopped by to bring by more fish/fish tank ‘stuff’ (that kid does NOT need anymore pets!) But, I got to make a video with my son’s girlfriend:
She so underplayed her merits. She is SUCH an amazing, goal oriented, studious woman. And, let’s face it, she has great taste in men.
I had such a problem with ‘her’. HOW DARE SHE???????
How dare she love my son?
How dare she know levels of my spawn that I didn’t?
(I mean intellectually and emotionally – c’mon now)
Well, guess what?
I adore her. And it was SO hard to even imagine him not ‘needing’ me or not being the center of his universe.
And now, I’m just so happy for the two of them.
And for me.
Because I have an amazing future husband – an amazing son and maybe – just maybe, an amazing future daughter-in-law.
Life is good.
And tomorrow, we’re going to do a family outing to see some burros and have lunch. Trust me – it’s 6:33 p.m. and I JUST took a shower, so getting me to agree to this whole ‘leaving the house’ thing was difficult.
But I’m doing it. Because family is important. And while staycations are fun, they don’t make many memories – but they sure do unwind a tense person.
How my mom Meat Shamed me (after a long time and for a really good cause)
My mom has pissed me off. She has ruined my days.
Why?
Because her advocacy of animals popped up on my news feed on Facebook.
How dare she? How dare she care so much about animals???????
I peeked at 10 seconds of this, turned it off – then got brave – and watched the whole thing.
Fuuuuuuck! No! I want to buy my eggs, my meat, my dairy – without guilt thank you very much!
Ruined.
Ruined.
Because, I also want no other animal suffering because of ‘my needs.’
This is how is went down:
then ….
Yeah, my whole life is on a Veggie/Fish hold … until animals that give their lives to sustain us are treated in a kind, appropriate and ‘final’ right way.
WHAT IS THAT??????
What is the right way to die as an animal?
We are animals.
Thing is – my mom was consistent, and disturbing, and today – changed my mind. Changed my eating habits. And if one person can do that through persistency, then, it’s possible for a whole lot more people. No?
By the way, I’ve been craving a bacon cheeseburger, but unless that pig and cow were raised on a healthy, expansive farm – I’m no longer in. 
Don’t make me Jazz Hand – I can’t Jazz Hand today …
Today I feel … inadequate.
I tend to pull away from people when I am upset with myself about something.
I need time to contemplate before seeking out a shoulder – time to contemplate if I even need to burden a shoulder.
I get very reserved, focused and quiet.
It’s definitely one of those days I don’t want anyone to ask “How are you?”
C’mon, we know most people don’t really want an honest answer to that.
I realize it’s a conventional nicety, but I ALWAYS feel obligated to work up a cheery “GREAT! How are YOU?” Whilst shaking pom-pons and somehow pulling off jazz hands at the same time.
Wish people would just say “Hello.”
I can say “Hello” back.
That I can do.
Just acknowledge me – I’ll acknowledge you back, we’re golden!
So yeah, clearly I’m still in stress ball mode.
_____________________
I read the beginning of an amazing novel yesterday and had this stunned, authentic moment of “Holy Crap! This is REALLY good!”
In that same moment, I also became painfully aware of how NOT good I am in the arts. And no, there was no jealousy – there was a lot of pride and awe.
My fiancé wrote it.
We made a deal before he moved in with me that he would focus on his artistic side. Pursue his dreams. And I read this freaking epic flow of words and got so lost in and I KNOW, it must be published.
So, I began my retreat further back into my shell, because I’ve been feeling like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain, which is providing for my little family.
I have pets and people looking to me for emotional, physical and material support and I’m falling short.
I feel like I am anyway.
And that’s a horrible feeling.
What I do have an abundance of though, is love. And I’ll just keep plugging away at the other stuff … quietly.
(Here’s what my fiancé has been plugging away at if you care to peek. http://neopompeii.com/)
Debauchery Soup 