I mentioned in the video that I’ve shared down the post two days off in addition to the weekend.
This matters people!
Usually, my days off are because
A) A handy man is coming to fix something and I must be here to maintain peace between him/her and the dog.
B) Someone is sick, and it’s not me.
C) Something else has broken and I’m waiting for either a tow truck or another handyman.
D) I am picking someone up from the airport.
The last ‘vacation’ I can remember is when Nic was small. Well, he’s at least 6 foot now, so anything under that.
So I took a ‘Staycation.’
And when I ‘STAY’ I mean just that. That’s what I want to do! What I’ve NEEDED to do for a while. Nap, snack, binge watch shows, cuddle, nap some more.
I couldn’t even do THAT!
I’ve got one day remaining now – and Sunday, I did laundry as usual – and before I felt like I could chill out with no guilt, I had the kitchen rug/very large rug/carpet outside.
Cleaned the stove within an inch of its life.
Was defrosting fish for fish tacos.
Fixed the piece of house that came off in our bonkers monsoon wind – nails in my mouth – hammer in hand. (Yes, I’m a contractor now)
Cleared the ‘we don’t have a shed anymore’ porch so we don’t look MORE like trailer trash.
Polished all the “I drive too fast on the dirt road next to this house” (NOT ME) dust off of our surfaces.
Bottom line – I don’t feel like I get to chill out until I’ve earned it.
This was contagious. My poor honey, after pouring himself a cup of coffee must have felt guilty too – and cleaned our bedroom.
We still had the bathrooms to do.
And all I wanted to do was get goofy!!!! And know that I have NO alarm tomorrow or the next day.
And I freaking COULDN’T! Not until everything was done.
WHY is it that we women – and I’m not leaving you guys out of this – although … (lol)
WHY is it we women can’t chill until everything is done???????
This is HUGE! A 4 day weekend.
And there I was already planning my fun bathroom cleaning ride. lol. I’ll get a Disney fast pass and get that done so I can watch a movie without guilt 😉
*tangent – did you know, that in ‘admin’ mode you can put a post in trash and all it takes is one poke (if you have a touch screen – I assume this is the same for keyboard, however, fingertips are more unforgiving than cursors. No “Are you sure?????”) I call BS. Because, if you want to edit, you have to go through WP hoops, ok, maybe just confirming the edit. But, DELETING an entrire post? Yeah, ok, GONE! lol) Why am I mentioning this? Hmmmmm ….. let’s take a wild guess.
So now, my honey has stopped drinking coffee and having a beer.
Then my son and his girlfriend stopped by to bring by more fish/fish tank ‘stuff’ (that kid does NOT need anymore pets!) But, I got to make a video with my son’s girlfriend:
She so underplayed her merits. She is SUCH an amazing, goal oriented, studious woman. And, let’s face it, she has great taste in men.
I had such a problem with ‘her’. HOW DARE SHE???????
How dare she love my son?
How dare she know levels of my spawn that I didn’t?
(I mean intellectually and emotionally – c’mon now)
Well, guess what?
I adore her. And it was SO hard to even imagine him not ‘needing’ me or not being the center of his universe.
And now, I’m just so happy for the two of them.
And for me.
Because I have an amazing future husband – an amazing son and maybe – just maybe, an amazing future daughter-in-law.
Life is good.
And tomorrow, we’re going to do a family outing to see some burros and have lunch. Trust me – it’s 6:33 p.m. and I JUST took a shower, so getting me to agree to this whole ‘leaving the house’ thing was difficult.
But I’m doing it. Because family is important. And while staycations are fun, they don’t make many memories – but they sure do unwind a tense person.
When I started this blog, I had hoped to have a place to process, purge, sort through such things as matters of the heart, my past and my unedited thoughts.
I started out telling only 2 or 3 trusted friends where to find it – then I went public online and after deciding I only have friends on Facebook that I trust and who know me, I then would share my links.
Mistake? Maybe, maybe not. But definitely I found myself editing.
I haven’t discussed Matters of the Heart – protecting the identity of people in my private life this past year. I haven’t gone deep into my past – protecting the identities of those involved. And I certainly have been editing my thoughts. As if I would feel I owed everyone an apology for having them.
I just can’t do ‘phoney’. I can’t. It eats at my gut and sticks in the forefront of my brain gnawing away at me.
Relatives and acquaintances have told me in so many words, that I think too much. I share too much.
It’s who I am. Who I have always been. Who I always will be.
I think those concerned with me sharing too much are the ones who have shared too much with me.
They needn’t worry. If my story line crosses over to someone else’s, I don’t feel it’s my story to tell.
But when it comes to me and me alone, I have to be authentic.
A friend posted this today and I laughed. So true.
I do love my life.
But find myself editing my statuses too.
I’ve had this self-imposed expectation of myself for a few years, that I can’t be ‘human’.
Always wanting (needing) to do the right thing – making living amends to myself and others for years of wrong choices.
Trying to be some perfect unobtainable example for my son.
I can’t do it anymore.
Not because I am incapable, but because it is not authentic and it is not healthy, spiritually, to deny a facet of me exists.
I am blunt and very forthcoming by nature. It is inherently who I am. If I edit myself, I’m not honoring that part of me. I’m telling myself in a round-about way, ‘that part of you is unacceptable’.
Unacceptable to whom? I’m fine with it. Why am I always worrying about what ‘they’ are going to think?
I seem to in constant battle with myself this past year or so. The care-giver and sensible me shaking her head at every personal desire. “That’s selfish” “That’s wrong” “That’s not putting others first”.
In a quest to be the best me I could possibly be, I left some of me behind.
I am not always happy. I have high-highs and painful lows – I feel to the nth degree and I love that about me!
And – shocking news: I want things. Not material things – but things that would serve to give me pleasure.
I want pleasure without guilt.
I want to be able to say “No.” I want to be able to say “Yes.” Purely based on how I feel about something and not how it effects the person posing the question.
But the battle wages on.
And it’s not a matter of ‘good’ vs ‘bad’ – it’s a matter of acknowledging that I deserve things sometimes too.
That being grateful for what I have and making good choices, doesn’t mean I should ignore the woman inside me who has needs that don’t sustain life.
And that they don’t make me bad.
They make me whole.