Today I feel … inadequate.
I tend to pull away from people when I am upset with myself about something.
I need time to contemplate before seeking out a shoulder – time to contemplate if I even need to burden a shoulder.
I get very reserved, focused and quiet.
It’s definitely one of those days I don’t want anyone to ask “How are you?”
C’mon, we know most people don’t really want an honest answer to that.
I realize it’s a conventional nicety, but I ALWAYS feel obligated to work up a cheery “GREAT! How are YOU?” Whilst shaking pom-pons and somehow pulling off jazz hands at the same time.
Wish people would just say “Hello.”
I can say “Hello” back.
That I can do.
Just acknowledge me – I’ll acknowledge you back, we’re golden!
So yeah, clearly I’m still in stress ball mode.
I read the beginning of an amazing novel yesterday and had this stunned, authentic moment of “Holy Crap! This is REALLY good!”
In that same moment, I also became painfully aware of how NOT good I am in the arts. And no, there was no jealousy – there was a lot of pride and awe.
My fiancé wrote it.
We made a deal before he moved in with me that he would focus on his artistic side. Pursue his dreams. And I read this freaking epic flow of words and got so lost in and I KNOW, it must be published.
So, I began my retreat further back into my shell, because I’ve been feeling like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain, which is providing for my little family.
I have pets and people looking to me for emotional, physical and material support and I’m falling short.
I feel like I am anyway.
And that’s a horrible feeling.
What I do have an abundance of though, is love. And I’ll just keep plugging away at the other stuff … quietly.
(Here’s what my fiancé has been plugging away at if you care to peek. http://neopompeii.com/)