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Don’t make me Jazz Hand – I can’t Jazz Hand today …

Today I feel … inadequate.


I tend to pull away from people when I am upset with myself about something.

I need time to contemplate before seeking out a shoulder – time to contemplate if I even need to burden a shoulder.

I get very reserved, focused and quiet.

It’s definitely one of those days I don’t want anyone to ask “How are you?”

C’mon, we know most people don’t really want an honest answer to that.

I realize it’s a conventional nicety, but I ALWAYS feel obligated to work up a cheery “GREAT! How are YOU?” Whilst shaking pom-pons and somehow pulling off jazz hands at the same time.

hamster ball

Wish people would just say “Hello.”

I can say “Hello” back.

That I can do.

Just acknowledge me – I’ll acknowledge you back, we’re golden!

So yeah, clearly I’m still in stress ball mode.


I read the beginning of an amazing novel yesterday and had this stunned, authentic moment of “Holy Crap! This is REALLY good!”

In that same moment, I also became painfully aware of how NOT good I am in the arts.  And no, there was no jealousy – there was a lot of pride and awe.

My fiancé wrote it.

We made a deal before he moved in with me that he would focus on his artistic side. Pursue his dreams. And I read this freaking epic flow of words and got so lost in and I KNOW, it must be published.

So, I began my retreat further back into my shell, because I’ve been feeling like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain, which is providing for my little family.

I have pets and people looking to me for emotional, physical and material support and I’m falling short.

I feel like I am anyway.

And that’s a horrible feeling.

What I do have an abundance of though, is love. And I’ll just keep plugging away at the other stuff … quietly.

avoid communication

(Here’s what my fiancé has been plugging away at if you care to peek.


I’m not a groupie!

Was that eye-catching enough?

Been thinking lately about passion.

My son and I had a chat about this.  His plan for after graduation was to pursue higher education in the culinary field.  I know he has an interest in food (for sure I know this lol) and also in cooking – but not in the way that he’s constantly in the kitchen, or watching cooking shows, or looking up chefs and restaurants on the internet.

I pointed this out to him and have previously pointed out that you don’t just suddenly become a Chef – master of your own kitchen and restaurant.  There’s hard work involved and you start from the bottom and work your way up.

You have to LOVE what you’re doing.  You’re going to be cooking the same dishes over and over and over, in a hot, busy, noisy kitchen.

He wasn’t sure what else he had a talent for or an interest in, until I pointed out the fact that there is one constant in his life lately that he seems to also enjoy.  Photography.

We’ll see where that goes, but I had already been thinking about passion and this only served to bring on more pondering.

What is my passion?

I’m not sure.  I know what I like to do.

I know I’m pretty good at a few things, but by no means do I excel in anything that I’m aware of.

I like to write.  I like to draw.  I like to paint.  I like to sing. I like to take photographs. But I’m really not GREAT at any of those things.

If someone came to me and said ‘Debauch,’ (ok, we’ve established my name is Amanda in my first post, I suppose it’s alright to use it).

Rewind, they start over and come to me and say, ‘Amanda, you no longer have to worry about earning money.  Your rent, food, utilities and car are covered.  Go and pursue your passion!’

I would have no clue what I would do!

I titled this post ‘I’m not a groupie’ for a reason.  I have a few – OK, several ex’s that were in bands.

Yes, it’s exciting to be at a show, yes, it is kind of cool to be the singer/drummer/bass players girlfriend.  BUT!  That wasn’t what drew me to any of them.

Other than my passion for music, I’m drawn to people who pursue their dreams.

Drive, ambition, hard work and gratitude for whatever fruit is born from that.  Yup.

For me, there’s nothing sexier than someone who not only shows an interest in something, but has the tenacity to develop their talent and then not only work hard to chase their dream but to MAKE IT HAPPEN?  Holy cow.  THAT is a turn on.

It says a lot about a person who knows who they are, what they want and has the courage and drive to achieve it.

Whatever ‘it’ is.  Doesn’t have to be music.

I’m not a groupie, I’m a ‘dream chaser connoisseur’.

I had a great opportunity this Summer to meet the Gin Blossoms singer Robin Wilson.

Watch any live video of him on YouTube and you’ll see a man who loves what he does and loves interacting with his fans.

I told him this.  I mentioned how amazing it was to see him enjoying his show.

He told me that he really does love what he does and still has fun doing it.

He went on to share some of his inspirations with me.  Some were other frontmen who enjoy what they do as much as he does.  It really comes through in the performance you know.

No matter what you do – enthusiasm for it, comes through in the performance.

I think right now in my life, my passion may be learning? Growing spiritually and making connections.  If I didn’t have to work – if I had an all access pass to pursue a passion … I think I’d grab my son and hit the road.

I’d show him  some of the countries I’ve had the honor of visiting.

I would want to return to India – show him how happy some of the poorest communities are because they are grateful.

I would want to return to France and Italy and Greece and show him art and architecture.

I would want to return to Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iran and show him what it’s like to live in surrounded by unrest and fear.

I would do those things, and take photographs and write about it here.

I think I found it.

My passion is all of the things I don’t do perfectly, but love doing. 

Being a mom, a student, a teacher – immersing myself in other cultures and beliefs – and sharing that.

And, if we hit a few concerts on the way?  Just remember – I’m not a groupie!