Today I feel … inadequate.

I tend to pull away from people when I am upset with myself about something.

I need time to contemplate before seeking out a shoulder – time to contemplate if I even need to burden a shoulder.

I get very reserved, focused and quiet.

It’s definitely one of those days I don’t want anyone to ask “How are you?”

C’mon, we know most people don’t really want an honest answer to that.

I realize it’s a conventional nicety, but I ALWAYS feel obligated to work up a cheery “GREAT! How are YOU?” Whilst shaking pom-pons and somehow pulling off jazz hands at the same time.

Wish people would just say “Hello.”

I can say “Hello” back.

That I can do.

Just acknowledge me – I’ll acknowledge you back, we’re golden!

So yeah, clearly I’m still in stress ball mode.

_____________________

I read the beginning of an amazing novel yesterday and had this stunned, authentic moment of “Holy Crap! This is REALLY good!”

In that same moment, I also became painfully aware of how NOT good I am in the arts.  And no, there was no jealousy – there was a lot of pride and awe.

My fiancé wrote it.

We made a deal before he moved in with me that he would focus on his artistic side. Pursue his dreams. And I read this freaking epic flow of words and got so lost in and I KNOW, it must be published.

So, I began my retreat further back into my shell, because I’ve been feeling like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain, which is providing for my little family.

I have pets and people looking to me for emotional, physical and material support and I’m falling short.

I feel like I am anyway.

And that’s a horrible feeling.

What I do have an abundance of though, is love. And I’ll just keep plugging away at the other stuff … quietly.

(Here’s what my fiancé has been plugging away at if you care to peek.  http://neopompeii.com/)