Category Archives: Humor
Freeze computer! This is the FBI!
Ok, so I may be in a whole lot of trouble come Monday morning. Let’s laugh about it now shall we?
My place of employment is connected to a real estate office, I process loans for a mortgage company. Exciting stuff eh? Well – today was pretty exciting.
1. It was FRIDAY! Woo!
2. They were prepping for an event to appreciate customers all day long. It looked like they were setting up for a movie production outside. Lights, tables, catering … all in full view of the 4 windows my desk faces.
Needless to say, it’s hard enough to concentrate on a Friday, but with all that hoopla going on it was near impossible.
BUT! Concentrate I did. I got my work done and at about 4:15 – my mouse may have wandered over to the search bar on the internet.
I’ve mentioned before, anything I don’t know – I have to know! I watch ‘King of the Hill’ every night before bed – so I’m pondering, ‘who does Bobby’s voice?’ OH! Let’s Google that!
Found that out – and here’s where the chain of events took me that could lead to my demise at said company.
I’m looking at the cast of ‘King of the Hill’ and think, ‘how sad that Brittany Murphy died’ – then I remember my son saying that was the reason the show ended. I’m thinking that’s a myth, so – Oh! Let’s Google that!
It was a myth.
But now Google is taking me to her cause of death.
It’s only 4:20 by now.
I click further … sucked in.
Oh, now they want to tell me how Whitney Houston died and oh, there’s a site for that.
It takes me from that report to Michael Jackson and WHAM!
FEDERAL BUREAU INVESTIGATION comes up on my screen. Huh?
Something something something … your computer is locked up because you were downloading video or pictures or violating laws and/or looking at child pornography.
Wait! WHAT?!?! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shut off the computer and restart – because the FBI notice could not be ‘X’d out.
BAM! It’s still there. My computer completely frozen.
I scurry over to my other bosses computer. I Google the message.
Oh joy, it’s a virus.
A bad virus on my WORK computer.
*sigh*
I call my boss whose computer I’m on. “Oh great, so you’re putting it on my computer now?” he says.
No, I assure him, but I am leaving. I leave my main boss a note with a print out of the virus mentioning probably we want to call the computer guy, and no – I wasn’t looking at anything the virus says I was.
Walk of shame out of the building – and come home to get ready to go BACK to work to attend the event.
My boss is looking beautiful, in a long black dress. I say hello and did she get my note? No? Oh – well, just a virus that’s all.
“It happens, sometimes when we open certain emails” she says.
Ok – we’ll go with that tonight – because come Monday, when I fess up – I won’t be ruining a party.
Here’s a shot of the party though. The food was good – and the dessert was great.
The friend I’m with in this picture and I joked it might be my goodbye party instead. Yes, I can still joke and laugh.
I’ll worry about the consequences on Monday. 😦
**********UPDATE************
There have been people finding this post from the searching the internet looking for help with the same virus. There are some great instructional videos on YouTube. (You basically have to start your computer in safe mode w/networking. Then run a virus scan and get rid of the virus. Do a C Clean and reset your computer to the day before. 
Sorry). As for my dilemma? I don’t know how, but after running a scan, it came back saying ‘no viruses found’. But was still there. On Monday, I ran another safe mode scan and still nothing, my FBI virus disappeared! Either that, or it’s lurking. But, between the praying and the scans, it’s gone. Do NOT pay the money – Do NOT panic. Follow the instructions and you’ll be fine.
It’s official, I’m a prude. Next stop, dying alone in an apartment full of cats.
Shit. It’s official. I’m a prude!
Here’s how I see myself, semi-youthful, a little introspective:
However, this, is apparently how I actually am:
Today was another food day. I had just eaten my cheese and lettuce sandwich and chips, when my boss came in and asked ‘are you busy?’. Had to think – how do I answer that? Does she want to chat, then no, I’m not too busy – or should I be busy? Then yes, I’m busy. (which, I sort of was).
It turned out we, and a group of realtors, were going to lunch to celebrate two birthdays.
OK.
Prelude to prudeness: After ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ over the Cadillac Escalade I caught a ride in, (“This is so roomy!” “What’s the gas mileage on a car like this?”) we arrive at the Benihana style restaurant.
Now, I’m not sure whether he was trying to compensate for lackluster knife skills, or fancy twirling or what – but joke after joke about sex and the number 69 came tumbling out of his mouth. There were 8 of us women and 3 men. It was lunch time for crying out loud!
My eyes kept darting around the room nervously to see if there were any children dining. I was sitting next to my boss, so wasn’t even sure it was ok to giggle at the mildly amusing jokes. (They were too far and too few between to worry about that as it turned out).
Is it really appropriate to ask, “Why does Miss Piggy douche with sugar and vinegar?” while I’m capturing a sushi roll in my chopsticks??
Another lunch time gem: “Why do women smile walking down the wedding aisle? Because they know they’ve given their last blow job” (as I almost drowned on my mouthful of ice tea).
The highlight of this lunch was a co-worker who missed the punchline to one of the last and probably most vulgar jokes and loudly asked him to repeat it. (The punchline was ‘wet pussy’ – the joke was something about fishing and a wild cat falling into the water …) Of course! He’d be happy to oblige, and repeated it. OK, her asking him to repeat it was pretty funny.
But good grief!!
I didn’t even want to play the ‘catch the shrimp in the mouth toss’ – not after seeing 5 people getting pelted with sea creatures in the face and torso. (The chef seriously needs to work on his aim).
The shudder moment was when I tried to suppress a disapproving ‘tut’. I thought of my Nannie and in that shudder moment – it dawned on me ‘OMG! I’m a prude!’.
The hairy raspberry
Had a hungry day today – which happened to coincide with an office meeting next door that had a veritable buffet in the break room. I tried the ‘I’ll just take half a donut, and some fruit’ route – but that didn’t last long. Half a donut and some fruit is an appetizer really.
I traveled back for another half a donut and some more fruit.
Whilst in a sugar stupor, I stared at the raspberries on my plate and wondered “why do they have hair?”
My first thought was, ‘oh – maybe to ward off pests and small critters from nibbling them while they’re growing’. But that hardly seemed a fair hand dealt by nature for the poor, defenseless, bald blueberries on my plate!
I obsess over things like this. I do. Anything I don’t know I HAVE to know.
In a moment of quiet at my desk, I guiltily Googled ‘why do raspberries have hair?’. (A sentence I never thought I’d type).
Well! It’s to help them seed. They are the remnants of the pistils, the female portion of the flower. Big let down. I wanted them to have some really bizarre secret life or something.
I didn’t wonder anything about my sandwich or chips. Didn’t wonder much about the Raisinets I wolfed down after my initial sugar high dissipated either.
Pretty sure I’m skipping dinner.
Pity Party Permit approved! (Balloon animal artists need not apply …)
I am always grateful for what I have, I keep my detective hat handy for silver lining searching and usually feel happy and serene. I do! But after a string of bad luck, I find myself putting pressure on myself to keep my chin so far up it’s affecting me physically.
I have had a headache for three flipping days!
I don’t get headaches. But this one is turning my stomach and pinching my neck and perching in my cranium like a huge fat scratching, pecking rooster.
I already have a heart condition – my sinus node decides at time of rest to lie to my heart and tell it I’m actually jogging. (How my heart believes this, as I don’t jog, is beyond me).
Minor exertion results in feeling like I ran a marathon, and stressful situations replace my human heart with that of a captured sparrow.
So I’ve been smiling (yeah, sometimes grimacing) and counting my blessings and keeping the faith versus letting the fear in, but my body is not on the same page.
I know I’m not faking my positive attitude, so why then is my body not following?!
Just a few days ago, I actually felt so unwell I was a little concerned I might not see morning.
Not being dramatic – I was truly scared as my heart raced and my chest squeezed.
The thing about having a chronic condition is you get to know what your ‘normal’ feels like. So when a symptom rears its head that doesn’t fall into that norm, it’s quite frightening. I had already taken my medicine and I do not have insurance, so a trip to the ER was not in the cards.
I prayed, I pet my dog, I did my relaxation breathing – anything for some relief.
And I saw morning.
(Good thing I cleared that up for you eh? No one could have guessed that I made it through the night since I’m POSTING! lol).
I got to thinking though, ‘am I setting too high of a standard for myself’?
Why can’t I vent or have a mini-breakdown without feeling like I’m no longer a positive, grateful person?
I Googled crying. I learned that tears remove toxins. Crying can elevate your mood (apparently we have a manganese level and if it’s too high, crying helps lower it. Low manganese level = good). Crying lowers stress.
I’m giving myself permission to throw my body a mini-pity party from time to time.
Not a huge bash, not a wallow in it all-nighter – but a self time-out, acknowledging that maybe sometimes my body needs to ‘let it all out’.
I don’t cry easily – so maybe I can hire an arm pincher instead of a face painter?
Oh, and let there be cake! 🙂
“There are no bad days!” (breathe, repeat, breathe, repeat!)
I am a firm believer that if I wake up, it’s already a great day!
A day is what you make of it. However, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, other people and/or events can suck the positive energy right out of you.
As much as happiness is contagious, so is tension and frustration.
My day started out almost comically when my coffee maker decided it was time to head to the giant coffee bean in the sky. I guess even appliances evacuate themselves in an undignified manner in their final moments, as my counter and kitchen floor can attest to.
Twice I mopped up the contents of the gasping machine (the second time after I believed I had ‘fixed’ it).
No worries. I’ll buy instant coffee when I get groceries tomorrow (I told myself) and besides, how blessed am I to even get to go grocery shopping?? (I told myself).
Off to work.
I love what I do. I do it well. I even went in early to put up some fun October decor!
Went downhill from there. At one point, I’m pretty sure even the freshly hung inflatable spider and bat wanted to turn the fishing line they’re suspended from into a noose.
This will be at least the third post I mention my adversity to confrontation. I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation without the words or whereabouts to defend myself today.
The source of this uncomfortable situation repeatedly scurries off and spins a tale devoid of facts in my favor.
Now, while I have a lot of faith, fear does creep in from time to time. I live paycheck to paycheck. I work my arse off at a full-time job and a part-time weekend job and I DO fear losing them.
It was only 2 years ago that I was very near to being homeless and had next to nothing in the pantry.
I have gratitude. For breathing, having shelter, utilities and food.
I’d really like to keep those things.
So I think this particular ‘concern’ (ok, yeah, it’s an outright fear) is sort of healthy. I mean, I don’t spend every waking moment thinking ‘oh my God – what if I lose my job!’, but when things get hairy, I worry.
If a door is going to close, it would be great to have a heads up. Because it’s not me I’m worried about – it’s being able to provide the necessities for my little family. ♥
But we don’t get a ‘heads up’, do we? Life doesn’t work that way. (Cue George Michael, “Gotta have faith…” thanks George, can I borrow your coffee maker while we’re at it?)
So I drive home. I’m driving and trying oh so hard to shake off the fear. Trying to appreciate the scenery, trying to cheer up and I’m remembering that God hasn’t let me down yet.
I pull up to the fence. And the front door opens. Out pokes my son’s head, he smiles and waves. The dog wiggles out the door and stands at the fence wagging her tail.
And I KNOW today is not a bad day. They’re in it.
Life is so very beautiful. I’m so glad I was invited.
Post Script – I’m about to hit ‘publish’ and my son calls – he’s ok, but my car is not. BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE. 😦
Debauchery Soup 
