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Staple removers, chocolate and hula hoops

Why is it that when I have to stay awake,  I most want to sleep?  It’s like not being hungry – then being told you HAVE to fast – suddenly:

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I’m up because my son has promised himself as a taxi to someone who needs to be picked up at 4 in the morning.

I didn’t want him driving sleepy – so he’s napping – and I’ve taken on role of alarm clock.

And I want my bed!

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It was a long day.

Work has been rough lately!

If I am to find the silver lining (other than having a job, that’s a given) it would be that the days have flown by on wings of some really fast bird.

My attitude today though, sucked.  I’ll admit it.  I’ll own that one.

I actually threw a staple remover at one point in frustration … not across the room or anything, just from my hand to my desk.  Of course, it hit my metal file stand and made a bigger deal out of itself than I intended.

Wasn’t my proudest moment.

I think that might have been the point when I decided I needed to remove myself from the office for a little while.

When I returned, I gave my boss a small box of candy and told him I was sorry for my tantrum.

He gestured to my desk where he had placed a small piece of chocolate.  Aw, see!  We understand each other.

The good news is – when I need an attitude adjustment, I know it.  And not only do I know it – I’m proactive about adjusting it.

Besides the small box of candy for my boss – I also bought a hula hoop.  It was on sale for 48 cents.

In my self-imposed time out – my inner child needed that hula hoop.  It helped the attitude adjustment immensely.

I decided to take my adjustment one step further, I emailed my other boss and requested some time off.

I am spent!

Mentally and physically  s-p-e-n-t!

I don’t take ‘vacations’.  My time off is used for such exciting things as ‘I have to be home because the handy man is coming and someone needs to be there’.

I have never taken more than 1 day off in a row.  And it’s showin’!

So – I took TWO days off in a row!  Crazy!  Next month.

In my fantasies, I shall have cake, and pajamas and movies and … alright, let’s face it I’ll probably end up cleaning the house and  finding dozens of other things that need my attention in order to not feel guilty about relaxing.  But still – it’s 2 days off in a row.

Until next month – I must remember this:

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A Necessary Truancy

“Is this Amanda?”

Yes.

“I have your son in the health office – he says he has a headache and is nauseous”.

(refrain from asking if she means to imply he’s making others feel sick, you grammar nazi!  Besides, there are now two definitions for ‘nauseous’)

“Would you like to speak to him?”

Yes please.

Nic get’s on the phone. 

Me: What’s going on?

Nic: I don’t want to be here – I’m having a really bad day”.

I’m seeing this in my head:

And this too:

OK.

Honesty really racks up the points in my book.  Honesty will earn you respect, and today earned me using my lunch to leave work, drive to his school and collect him. 

I didn’t need the details yet, he told the truth and from the tone of his voice I got it. 

Sometimes, we just want to go home.  We’re done.  We want comforting and to be surrounded by comfort. 

I pulled up to the school and sprung him.  I got the scoop about what possibly could have ruined his day in the whole hour and 20 minutes he was there.  I won’t share the details – that’s not fair to him, but suffice it to say – he was in fact having a pretty crappy day.

Yes, he needs to learn to ‘decide to be happy’ to ‘soldier on in the face of adversity’ and to ‘not take things so personally’.  But he’s 17. I’m in my 40’s and am still honing those skills.

When you’re a teenager, sometimes it does feel like your entire world is crumbling down around you, and you just want a time-out. 

I am SO very grateful that my son can be honest with me.  Oh, I know.  I’m not so naive as to believe that he tells me everything, and nor should he.  But when it really counts – we’re close enough that he trusts he can tell me the truth and not regret doing so.

Our ride from his school to our house was filled with conversation, observations, lessons and advice.  Of course I stressed the importance of not missing anymore school – about not letting people ruin his day.  That he can’t run away from every problem. About resentments – how futile they are.  Metaphors flowed.  “Nic, resenting them is like taking poison and expecting them to die!”  Concerns were soothed, smiles were exchanged and I felt so very blessed.

No.  He’s not my little boy anymore.  No,  I can’t save him from the world.   But today I could give him a chance to regroup.  To feel loved.  To take a breath and collect his thoughts and I could take a rare opportunity to share some wisdom and experience with him.

When my grandson or granddaughter calls him years from now having a bad day, I hope he picks them up.  Figuratively and literally.  And I’m pretty sure he will.  Because this young man who I am so lucky to call my son – is a kind-hearted, sensitive, funny, bright, loving soul.

All that being said, if he hadn’t told the truth, his butt would have stayed at school. 😉

Pity Party Permit approved! (Balloon animal artists need not apply …)

I am always grateful for what I have, I keep my detective hat handy for silver lining searching and usually feel happy and serene.  I do!  But after a string of bad luck, I find myself putting pressure on myself to keep my chin so far up it’s affecting me physically.

I have had a headache for three flipping days!

I don’t get headaches. But this one is turning my stomach and pinching my neck and perching in my cranium like a huge fat scratching, pecking rooster.

I already have a heart condition – my sinus node decides at time of rest to lie to my heart and tell it I’m actually jogging.  (How my heart believes this, as I don’t jog, is beyond me).

Minor exertion results in feeling like I ran a marathon, and stressful situations replace my human heart with that of a captured sparrow.

So I’ve been smiling (yeah, sometimes grimacing) and counting my blessings and keeping the faith versus letting the fear in, but my body is not on the same page.

I know I’m not faking my positive attitude, so why then is my body not following?!

Just a few days ago, I actually felt so unwell I was a little concerned I might not see morning.

Not being dramatic – I was truly scared as my heart raced and my chest squeezed.

The thing about having a chronic condition is you get to know what your ‘normal’ feels like.  So when a symptom rears its head that doesn’t fall into that norm, it’s quite frightening.  I had already taken my medicine and I do not have insurance, so a trip to the ER was not in the cards.

I prayed, I pet my dog, I did my relaxation breathing – anything for some relief.

And I saw morning.

(Good thing I cleared that up for you eh?  No one could have guessed that I made it through the night since I’m POSTING! lol).

I got to thinking though, ‘am I setting too high of a standard for myself’?

Why can’t I vent or have a mini-breakdown without feeling like I’m no longer a positive, grateful person?

I Googled crying.  I learned that tears remove toxins.  Crying can elevate your mood (apparently we have a manganese level and if it’s too high, crying helps lower it. Low manganese level = good).  Crying lowers stress.

I’m giving myself permission to throw my body a mini-pity party from time to time.

Not a huge bash, not a wallow in it all-nighter – but a self time-out, acknowledging that maybe sometimes my body needs to ‘let it all out’.

I don’t cry easily – so maybe I can hire an arm pincher instead of a face painter?

Oh, and let there be cake!  🙂