I am always grateful for what I have, I keep my detective hat handy for silver lining searching and usually feel happy and serene.  I do!  But after a string of bad luck, I find myself putting pressure on myself to keep my chin so far up it’s affecting me physically.

I have had a headache for three flipping days!

I don’t get headaches. But this one is turning my stomach and pinching my neck and perching in my cranium like a huge fat scratching, pecking rooster.

I already have a heart condition – my sinus node decides at time of rest to lie to my heart and tell it I’m actually jogging.  (How my heart believes this, as I don’t jog, is beyond me).

Minor exertion results in feeling like I ran a marathon, and stressful situations replace my human heart with that of a captured sparrow.

So I’ve been smiling (yeah, sometimes grimacing) and counting my blessings and keeping the faith versus letting the fear in, but my body is not on the same page.

I know I’m not faking my positive attitude, so why then is my body not following?!

Just a few days ago, I actually felt so unwell I was a little concerned I might not see morning.

Not being dramatic – I was truly scared as my heart raced and my chest squeezed.

The thing about having a chronic condition is you get to know what your ‘normal’ feels like.  So when a symptom rears its head that doesn’t fall into that norm, it’s quite frightening.  I had already taken my medicine and I do not have insurance, so a trip to the ER was not in the cards.

I prayed, I pet my dog, I did my relaxation breathing – anything for some relief.

And I saw morning.

(Good thing I cleared that up for you eh?  No one could have guessed that I made it through the night since I’m POSTING! lol).

I got to thinking though, ‘am I setting too high of a standard for myself’?

Why can’t I vent or have a mini-breakdown without feeling like I’m no longer a positive, grateful person?

I Googled crying.  I learned that tears remove toxins.  Crying can elevate your mood (apparently we have a manganese level and if it’s too high, crying helps lower it. Low manganese level = good).  Crying lowers stress.

I’m giving myself permission to throw my body a mini-pity party from time to time.

Not a huge bash, not a wallow in it all-nighter – but a self time-out, acknowledging that maybe sometimes my body needs to ‘let it all out’.

I don’t cry easily – so maybe I can hire an arm pincher instead of a face painter?

Oh, and let there be cake!  🙂