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It’s official, I’m a prude. Next stop, dying alone in an apartment full of cats.

Shit. It’s official.  I’m a prude!

Here’s how I see myself, semi-youthful, a little introspective:

However, this, is apparently how I actually am:

Today was another food day.  I had just eaten my cheese and lettuce sandwich and chips, when my boss came in and asked ‘are you busy?’.  Had to think – how do I answer that?  Does she want to chat, then no, I’m not too busy – or should I be busy?  Then yes, I’m busy.  (which, I sort of was).

It turned out we, and a group of realtors, were going to lunch to celebrate two birthdays.

OK.

Prelude to prudeness: After ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ over the Cadillac Escalade I caught a ride in, (“This is so roomy!”  “What’s the gas mileage on a car like this?”) we arrive at the Benihana style restaurant.

Now, I’m not sure whether he was trying to compensate for lackluster knife skills, or fancy twirling or what – but joke after joke about sex and the number 69 came tumbling out of his mouth.  There were 8 of us women and 3 men.  It was lunch time for crying out loud!

My eyes kept darting around the room nervously to see if there were any children dining.  I was sitting next to my boss, so wasn’t even sure it was ok to giggle at the mildly amusing jokes.  (They were too far and too few between to worry about that as it turned out).

Is it really appropriate to ask, “Why does Miss Piggy douche with sugar and vinegar?” while I’m capturing a sushi roll in my chopsticks??

Another lunch time gem: “Why do women smile walking down the wedding aisle?  Because they know they’ve given their last blow job” (as I almost drowned on my mouthful of ice tea).

The highlight of this lunch was a co-worker who missed the punchline to one of the last and probably most vulgar jokes and loudly asked him to repeat it.  (The punchline was ‘wet pussy’  – the joke was something about fishing and a wild cat falling into the water …) Of course! He’d be happy to oblige, and repeated it.   OK, her asking him to repeat it was pretty funny.

But good grief!!

I didn’t even want to play the ‘catch the shrimp in the mouth toss’ – not after seeing 5 people getting pelted with sea creatures in the face and torso.  (The chef seriously needs to work on his aim).

The shudder moment was when I tried to suppress a disapproving ‘tut’.  I thought of my Nannie and in that shudder moment – it dawned on me ‘OMG! I’m a prude!’.