I am a firm believer that if I wake up, it’s already a great day!
A day is what you make of it. However, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, other people and/or events can suck the positive energy right out of you.
As much as happiness is contagious, so is tension and frustration.
My day started out almost comically when my coffee maker decided it was time to head to the giant coffee bean in the sky. I guess even appliances evacuate themselves in an undignified manner in their final moments, as my counter and kitchen floor can attest to.
Twice I mopped up the contents of the gasping machine (the second time after I believed I had ‘fixed’ it).
No worries. I’ll buy instant coffee when I get groceries tomorrow (I told myself) and besides, how blessed am I to even get to go grocery shopping?? (I told myself).
Off to work.
I love what I do. I do it well. I even went in early to put up some fun October decor!
Went downhill from there. At one point, I’m pretty sure even the freshly hung inflatable spider and bat wanted to turn the fishing line they’re suspended from into a noose.
This will be at least the third post I mention my adversity to confrontation. I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation without the words or whereabouts to defend myself today.
The source of this uncomfortable situation repeatedly scurries off and spins a tale devoid of facts in my favor.
Now, while I have a lot of faith, fear does creep in from time to time. I live paycheck to paycheck. I work my arse off at a full-time job and a part-time weekend job and I DO fear losing them.
It was only 2 years ago that I was very near to being homeless and had next to nothing in the pantry.
I have gratitude. For breathing, having shelter, utilities and food.
I’d really like to keep those things.
So I think this particular ‘concern’ (ok, yeah, it’s an outright fear) is sort of healthy. I mean, I don’t spend every waking moment thinking ‘oh my God – what if I lose my job!’, but when things get hairy, I worry.
If a door is going to close, it would be great to have a heads up. Because it’s not me I’m worried about – it’s being able to provide the necessities for my little family. ♥
But we don’t get a ‘heads up’, do we? Life doesn’t work that way. (Cue George Michael, “Gotta have faith…” thanks George, can I borrow your coffee maker while we’re at it?)
So I drive home. I’m driving and trying oh so hard to shake off the fear. Trying to appreciate the scenery, trying to cheer up and I’m remembering that God hasn’t let me down yet.
I pull up to the fence. And the front door opens. Out pokes my son’s head, he smiles and waves. The dog wiggles out the door and stands at the fence wagging her tail.
And I KNOW today is not a bad day. They’re in it.
Life is so very beautiful. I’m so glad I was invited.
Post Script – I’m about to hit ‘publish’ and my son calls – he’s ok, but my car is not. BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE. 😦
It floors me that in this day and age of online school sites available to parents that my son still doesn’t turn work in. I check! I do! And so, I checked.
It is with great irony that I find my son, currently on quite an all consuming quest to get a girlfriend has a D in ‘Anatomy’.
The assignments with the word “Missing” next to them has doubled since the last time I spoke to him about this same issue. OK, benefit of the doubt, I email the teacher (I do this! I’m not an armchair parent, I’m a ‘first-name-basis’ ‘call-email-smoke signal-me’ parent). Yup, the assignments are actually MIA and not in a pile waiting to be graded.
I’m at work. I’m having a conversation with my son in my head, with some great come backs for all his excuses all lined up.
When we finally speak I let him have it.
Now – while at the laundromat this past weekend, I thumbed through an abandoned ‘O’ magazine which (and I’m paraphrasing, because while I really wanted to tear out the article and bring it home, I’m quite timid when it comes to stealing or vandalism) explained various types of mood muggers – A puppy kicker was someone I believe who had issues of their own and will have an outburst akin to kicking a puppy (how horrible). An unsuspecting victim laid out by cruel words. Maybe ‘victim’ is an exaggeration here because let’s face it, he deserved a talking to. Anyway – we clarify it’s unacceptable.
This is a bright young man who is capable and has a history of deciding not to participate. I’m feeling like a puppy kicker after finding out he asked a girl to Homecoming, which he was dying to tell me, and three phone calls later finally got to.
By the way, I HATE confrontation. It’s terrible. Literally, I have a physical reaction when someone raises their voice in anger around me. I curl into an emotional ball and cover my emotional ears and want to run. In addition to not liking confrontation, I also adore my son. I especially don’t like it when he and I have a disagreement. But it’s necessary no?
Inside I’m throwing confetti and releasing balloons and sing-songing “My son is going to Homecoming! She said YES!” outside I’m laying down the law, which I know isn’t reaching even the smallest part of his ear, let alone the part of the brain that cares to retain the information. “You HAVE to pass science blah blah blah – you need to keep your grades up for insurance purposes blah blah blah – you HAVE to care! blah blah blah”.
Does he? Does he have to care? That comes from my own fears for him. Really he doesn’t have to care. But he does have to pass.
The problem is, I am way too lenient. Mostly because of the confrontation thing – but when I know what a checkered past I have, I’m constantly feeling like a hypocrite expecting others to behave in a way I sure didn’t.
That’s tough. I don’t feel like I have the right to discipline because I was bad. I don’t feel like I have the right to expect his best when I didn’t give it. Not in school for sure. So finding that balance between the guilt, my fears and what I know I should be doing as a parent is what I’ve been trying to work on.
I came home to him working on those missing assignments. Good thing too, because how in the world does a mother tell their son they can’t go to their Senior Homecoming? I don’t have that backbone. I’m trying to grow one – for his best interest. But I do not currently have one.
Wondering if they sell blue corsages – it might match her blue hair streaks.