Category Archives: Gratitude
Then the dam broke
“It’s just everything – it’s worrying about Christmas, and the car … and always having to worry about things like that – it’s doing it alone, but I wouldn’t have it any other way – what we have … and not feeling well and not being able to go to the doctor – it’s being stressed out and not having someone to talk to about it. Because they’re going to tell me not to feel a certain way when I DO feel that way. It must be okay to feel that way if I feel it?? It’s when people ask “Feeling better?” with a raised eyebrow because your answer had better be ‘yes’ … it’s not being allowed to feel sad because you’re the person who makes people laugh. And on top of it all, I don’t feel well. And I’m sad. I’m just … sad. And no, it’s not forever – and yes, it will pass and I’m so grateful – I’m grateful for everything we have and everything we don’t have … but I’m just … sad. And I should be allowed to feel sad.”
– Me, after telling my son I couldn’t possibly vent to him.
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I left work early today.
I couldn’t take one more second of holding myself upright when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball. I put a smile in my voice on the phone … and in front of customers who came into my office. I went above and beyond on my files – went in early today and cleaned. I pushed and pushed – and broke.
Monday I had a pretty bad ‘spell’ at work. Besides my heart condition – I think my body also tells me when it’s done holding things in.
My vision blurred in my right eye and my chest squeezed. I couldn’t get my bearings. I sat outside on a curb, taking purposeful breaths and feeling the wind on my skin until the spell mostly passed and went back in to work.
That’s what I do.
Remove myself, compose myself and return.
Yesterday I came very close to asking to use my barely used sick time. But I stuck it out. My ears have been hurting me – I’m dizzy and nauseated. But I stuck it out.
This morning, I came even closer to asking to use my barely used sick time – then remembered I had a meeting and had to approve a settlement statement so that a customer could sign their documents. So I went in.
I tied all the loose ends up and emailed both of my bosses asking to use 1/2 of a sick day.
The answer was yes.
I read an article yesterday on a hospice website. About the phases of death. I was making sure I was using ‘catabolic’ correctly in my last post. A catabolic state is when your body can no longer process nourishment – it’s so starved for it – it starts breaking itself down.
That’s how I understood it anyway.
And that’s how I have been feeling. Like there has been no nourishing input lately – that I’m sustaining myself and breaking down all my reserves.
So after my grand monologue that I wasn’t going to give in front of my son, I ended with, “I just want to hear ‘everything is going to be ok'”
To which my son replied, “Everything is going to be ok”
And when he hugged me – I sobbed harder. And he didn’t tell me I wasn’t allowed to feel sad.
I love him so very much.
The sky this morning
Catabolic hearts and Candy Corn pencils
I spent last night with a few tears – and like a child in need of comfort, I also grabbed a blanket and my bear.
Yesterday brought joy and sadness, love and aloneness, hope and fear. And sometimes, it’s all just too much to process.
It wasn’t due to any one thing in particular – things build over time to overflowing and when there is no outlet – blanket and bear come into play.
I joke about saying too much – about not editing myself. But the fact is, I keep so much inside that it hurts sometimes.
You know when someone notices that you’re out of sorts and hugs you? That dam that bursts because of that hug?
I feel like life (and, yes, me too) constantly plugs up my dam with no relief in sight.
When I desperately need a hug.
And to be heard.
And seen.
I posted this on my Facebook wall this afternoon – after a day of feeling unwell physically, but mostly overwhelmed emotionally.
I did this because I felt safe putting it there, I am very selective about who my ‘friends’ are on Facebook. People that know me and ‘get me’ are privy to my mostly quirky, sometimes funny and often odd status updates.
I don’t have friends I don’t trust.
What I really wanted to do was write about it here though. So I’m going to.
I have a lot on my plate and on my mind. A lot weighing on my heart also.
I find it necessary, again, to reiterate that I am a happy person – and a grateful person – and a loving person. And I know what is important in life.
But I am also a human person.
I used to think it was not okay to permit myself to feel my sadness. That I was somehow being ungrateful by doing that.
I know not to wallow in it – not to become melancholic – but it is necessary to feel. Denying myself permission to acknowledge sadness or fears is not healthy. And there is no growth when one does not acknowledge, assess and address a feeling or emotion.
Still, lately I’ve pent everything up. Putting one foot in front of the other and plugging away at life, while I tackled real and imagined problems alone.
The soul has this amazing ability to take a lot of crap from us – but has its limit. I reached mine.
Then I came home to mail.
Real mail.
Not just an envelope either – a small package.
It was from a dear friend in California (she actually taught me how to do what I do for a living over 14 years ago!)
Inside – was this letter, the sweet pencil and a bag of Halloween candy:
Here I was questioning whether I am worthy of love – and I receive this sweet, sweet gift. That she knows me so well – that something reminded her of me – that she made the effort to go the extra mile and purchase the item and tell me that she thought of me … such love.
And to want to feel connected to me.
What a blessing to have such friends.
I’ll take the pencil to work with me tomorrow and put it somewhere I can look at it as a reminder.
And because it touched me so – my heart can’t possibly be in a catabolic state. It’s still capable of processing love.
It’s just scared.
Pitypause
I’m going through a mild case of ‘pitypause’ again.
Not to be confused with menopause – there are no night sweats, but mood swings are similar.
Pitypause comes and goes – symptoms include sadness, insomnia, unusual desire for cake and decreased desire for conversation. Which, for this Chatty Cathy is quite eerie to those around me.
Yes, pitypause affects others.
There is a cure.
It’s called ‘Count-Your-Blessings’. It’s effective 99.9% of the time.
I was in danger once more of losing my last marble this weekend. So I took action!
The marbles I bought a while ago, to replace the ones I lost during my last bout of pitypause, have been safely placed in a happy looking bottle.
I’m keeping a close eye on them . I think it apropos to place them next to light. My marbles need all the positive energy they can get.
If someone you know is going through pitypause – be patient, offer an ear, a hug and push cake at them … from a safe distance.
Staple removers, chocolate and hula hoops
Why is it that when I have to stay awake, I most want to sleep? It’s like not being hungry – then being told you HAVE to fast – suddenly:
I’m up because my son has promised himself as a taxi to someone who needs to be picked up at 4 in the morning.
I didn’t want him driving sleepy – so he’s napping – and I’ve taken on role of alarm clock.
And I want my bed!
It was a long day.
Work has been rough lately!
If I am to find the silver lining (other than having a job, that’s a given) it would be that the days have flown by on wings of some really fast bird.
My attitude today though, sucked. I’ll admit it. I’ll own that one.
I actually threw a staple remover at one point in frustration … not across the room or anything, just from my hand to my desk. Of course, it hit my metal file stand and made a bigger deal out of itself than I intended.
Wasn’t my proudest moment.
I think that might have been the point when I decided I needed to remove myself from the office for a little while.
When I returned, I gave my boss a small box of candy and told him I was sorry for my tantrum.
He gestured to my desk where he had placed a small piece of chocolate. Aw, see! We understand each other.
The good news is – when I need an attitude adjustment, I know it. And not only do I know it – I’m proactive about adjusting it.
Besides the small box of candy for my boss – I also bought a hula hoop. It was on sale for 48 cents.
In my self-imposed time out – my inner child needed that hula hoop. It helped the attitude adjustment immensely.
I decided to take my adjustment one step further, I emailed my other boss and requested some time off.
I am spent!
Mentally and physically s-p-e-n-t!
I don’t take ‘vacations’. My time off is used for such exciting things as ‘I have to be home because the handy man is coming and someone needs to be there’.
I have never taken more than 1 day off in a row. And it’s showin’!
So – I took TWO days off in a row! Crazy! Next month.
In my fantasies, I shall have cake, and pajamas and movies and … alright, let’s face it I’ll probably end up cleaning the house and finding dozens of other things that need my attention in order to not feel guilty about relaxing. But still – it’s 2 days off in a row.
Until next month – I must remember this:
Musings from the Laundromat: Bad neighbors, Babies and Berlin
It’s topsy turvy at the laundromat today – which pretty much sums up my weekend. Things I need to do have not been done … yet. I almost put laundry off until tomorrow night, but a burst of ‘get your arse moving’ kicked in.
So I’m here and there’s only 2 other people currently. Yet, my favorite seat is taken, there was no yellow coil cash card or laundry cart available – and my favorite machines were taken.
Talk about out of my comfort zone!
I’m ok.
I’ll be ok.
This weekend brought the unexpected – and I am glad for it.
Friday night, not so much. My neighbors, who form the other two parts of a triangle like configuration with our houses, decided to get into wild screaming matches. Not with each other even!
One house must have set the other off … “Hey, listen to them screaming and smashing things – we have to join in!”
I can be light about it now, but it was very uncomfortable at the time. I never know when to step in. It’s late on a Friday, they’ve maybe had long weeks and a few drinks and arguing isn’t against the law.
But when you hear threats of hitting … it’s hard to know if someone is in danger or if it’s just bluster. My inner child cringes though.
I can’t even stand my son slamming things around the house. Even in jest. I beg him not to do it. My stomach clenches and a whoosh of tangible fear travels the length of my body.
So suffice it to say, when there are angry raised voices and smashing and screaming – I don’t like it.
I awoke early the next day – 5:30 to be exact. I was incredibly tired, but I’ve long since lost the ability to ‘go back to sleep’. Once I’m up, I’m up.
It was still a little dark outside. And peaceful.
I sat clutching my coffee and gazing up at the sky – then a thought came to me. Wouldn’t it be great to stand between the two houses that offered me such audio the night before and just start screaming?
Wake THEIR arses up with a taste of their own medicine.
Of course, I didn’t do it. I’m a lover not a fighter.
I had little motivation the rest of the morning – I just sort of scooted from one spot to another in the house.
Then the phone rang. My boss has connections at the venue Berlin was to be playing that night. I’ve been wanting to go ever since I saw the first advertisement. Yes, he could secure me two tickets and we’d arrange later to meet up.
Color me happy!
I spent the rest of the day doing less scooting and more horizontally. I put golf on the tv and had a short nap. It’s not that golf bores me to sleep by the way, it’s more of a comfort memory. The soothing tones of the commentators and soft claps from the gallery make for great white noise.
I awoke to Butters barking her head off. She’d really been doing that all day – false alarms. But this latest bark was in fact announcing the arrival of a guest. Two to be exact.
A friend and her grand baby.
I love this friend. We’ve worked together … well – in the same field and do business together – for 10 years.
I love that she just thinks to ‘stop by’.
She has a vibe to her that I won’t do justice if I try to describe. You know I’m going to try anyway though.
She’s unpretentious and comfortable to be around. She’s funny and warm and has dimples that join her eyes when she’s smiling.
You can’t meet her and not like her. You know how you’ll come across someone every once in a while who just has ‘that something’ and you can’t put your finger on it? She has that too.
Okay – here’s her description lol: she would be the person in the animated forest that all the animated woodland creatures came to hang out with (move over Snow White.) Only, she would be saying “get the hell off me” with a laugh in her voice and the woodland creatures wouldn’t be offended.
I was happy she visited – and happy that I got to hold this tiny foot:
Phone rang again and now I had a meeting-up time to collect the tickets from my boss.
I had planned to do my weekend job that night – and I still could have if I gave up my visiting time.
I chose not to give up my visiting time. I know what’s important in life.
Visit over it was time to get ready for the concert.
Here’s Nic and I waiting outside for my boss. (Who happened to be waiting inside for us – isn’t that always what happens?)
Concert was amazing. I sang along to ‘The Metro’ and ‘Sex’ and of course ‘No More Words’. I love exposing Nic to genres and artists he might otherwise not hear.
Terri Nunn left the stage and stood singing in front of me – I was able to get this picture. And by the way – what a presence she has. She loves to perform and she loves to dance – you can feel it.
So here we are at the tail end of the weekend. Sunday – and I have to squeeze everything I didn’t do into it.
That’s okay though – I am blessed with new memories, old friends and teeny tiny baby feet.
Debauchery Soup 