3, 2, 1 … Wait! Stop!
The day after Christmas reminded me of the way my house used to feel after a party. Back when I had such things. Rooms peppered with gift remnants, me stepping over boxes and paper, dessert type foods left to dry out on the counter tops. Hoping everyone had a great time and dreading the task of taking down the decorations and cleaning up. A part of me glad it’s over for 1 more year.
3 days after Christmas and all I had the energy to take down were the cards. My advent calendars stood baring their empty molds through wide open doors.
I cleaned up this weekend. I have another holiday affording me time off to do so – New Years.
A lot has happened this year … I think of the highlights. My son got his driver’s license, I started this blog, I got a new-to-me car, my son had his first accident in aforementioned new-to-me car. There was Homecoming, ‘end of the world’ survival and right around the corner is 2013.
2013 is going to be a big year. Nic will turn 18, there will be prom and graduation (omg … GRADU-Flipping-ATION!). I’m not ready. I shall cling to this remaining day of 2012 like a toddler on its parents leg.
The unknown is waiting. I don’t do well with ‘the unknown’.
I had a another taste of things to come last night. Nic spent the night out and I was finishing a disturbing book. I squinted at the clock on my bedside table and it was nearing midnight. I’m not afraid of the dark (anymore) and I’m not afraid of ghosts (anymore) but there’s something about ‘the strike of midnight’ that makes me feel like I should have my eyes squeezed shut and not witness it. A macabre Cinderella complex if you will.
I wanted to finish my book though – so I did. Butters growled at something I hadn’t heard. That’s always disconcerting – the low rumble of concern from a creature with hearing much more than you’re capable of picking up.
I was alone in the house and at the tail end of a cold. I had spent the better part of two days thinking when I wasn’t reading.
I even wrote a letter to a friend. A real one, you know, with a writing utensil and paper.
I’m feeling nostalgic about the past 17 3/4 years and while I’m grateful and mostly content – there’s something in me on the verge of panic.
I’ve been looking around me lately and finding things I feel are lacking. My furniture is sparse, even in relation to the small rectangle I call home. Anything I had of value I sold. I don’t regret it, but there’s nothing here I’d pass down through my family.
I think about my job – the job I am blessed to have. But I have no health insurance, no 401K. Am I destined to be a greeter at Wal-Mart when I’m into my 60’s? Never being able to retire?
I thought about being alone. Yesterday I noticed my left front tire needed air and a fleeting thought ‘I have no one to ask to do that for me’. It’s always me – doing everything. Alone.
I thought about my health.
I thought about just about everything.
Have I done enough? Have I provided enough? Have I taught enough?
With 2013 looming I’m coming a little unhinged. Not losing my marbles, just examining them.
I cleaned my sons room last night – found remnants of his childhood in the form of Pokemon cards and old school work. Clothes that used to fit him are now in a box for Goodwill.
No one explained this part of life to me. I’ve heard countless times about worrying when your child is sick, worrying when your child is not home. No one mentions how it feels when your child is on the cusp of no longer being a child.
Yes, I’ve heard of empty nest syndrome. But, I didn’t realize how all-consuming the weight of that impending life event could be.
I’ve always had one constant – being Nic’s mom. I still will be. But it won’t define me. Perhaps it never should have. But it did. That was my thing that I treasured. My role I never once wanted to give up. My drive. My Raison d’être.
A part of me wants to press pause – to stop time. That part of me is selfish. Nic has so much in front of him to look forward to. I’ll be a part of it, God willing. I’ll cheer him on from the sidelines – always be there should he need me.
As for me? This marble examination will pass. I’ll find my center again – I always do. I have faith, gratitude, hope and love in my heart. Those things, once planted, don’t stop growing because time passes. I won’t let them.
Tonight I’ll ring in the New Year with sparkling cider and savor the last “3, 2, 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!’ with my ‘boy’.
Next year – who knows? He may choose to spend the 3,2,1 with me instead of being at a party, or with a girlfriend or … OR maybe I’ll be at a party? Who knows.
Posted on December 31, 2012, in Gratitude, Motherhood, My Favorites and tagged 2012, 2013, alone, assessing life, empty nest, motherhood, new year, turning 18. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.
Oh wow…”I’ve always had one constant – being Nic’s mom. I still will be. But it won’t define me. Perhaps it never should have. But it did. That was my thing that I treasured. My role I never once wanted to give up. My drive. My Raison d’être.”
Relate completely. Brooke will be 16 next month..I want to stop time as well. I am a mommy..or was..now I am just mom..I feel selfish for wanting to keep her to myself. No one explained it to us, that this would happen.
Happy New Year! Don’t over think it. Just enjoy yourself…
I’m a writer – I over think things. LOL! I don’t walk around glum with constant impending doom – just ‘journal’ what goes through my bananas mind here. 😉 Happy New Year to you too!
Is your New Year’s resolution to remove that scary thing from the top of your page???
I felt, “Stuped”…when my boy left for the Navy, just out of high school. Not stuped in the traditional way, just that “This is SO STUPED!!!” “WHERES MY BOY???” “NO One told me it was going to be so stuped, I was’ent ready for him to leave, I did’nt want him to leave. But he did indeed leave! POOP. At what point did he magically become “mature” enough to be out on his own?Aughhh. Anyhow, the best thing is to cherish these days, seriously, use All your senses, feel all of it, taste it, touch it it is real, and continues to be real if not on another platform, next year. You are a very nice person, it comes through in your writing, you are a very pretty person, and if you spend any time alone, spend it with an intellegent, beautiful, kind, and complete person…you. O yes, Happy New Year!!Woot Woot!! ( Party sounds)
love the party sounds. Yes, our children grow, but so do we don’t we? At lunch with a friend today, she said ‘then you get to find YOU’. Eek! What a prospect for this girl who is uncomfortable focusing on herself. But with other people like you, the journey shall be a fun one. Happy New Year to you x
Brilliant post Thankyou. I am dreading when my son reaches your Nics age, as I have struggled enough with the stage of relative independence that starting secondary school brings! Happy New year 🙂
Are you from England? (‘brilliant’ and ‘secondary school’) if so you have less time than me really don’t you? It’s hard – I feel like there should be a transitional handbook. lol. I guess that’s why we have each other, us parents. Thanks for commenting and Happy New Year to you too! 🙂
Reblogged this on MetaRead360 Small Press presents and commented:
The pregnant pause…of waiting without knowing what will come next!
2013!! Made it! And I know all the Magicians secrets, (TV marathon Magics secrets revealed) Maybe 2013 will be filled with magic for All of us!
LOL! You handle the magic – I made my own ‘Freaks and Geeks’ marathon yesterday on Netflix. So I’ll handle … um … not sure. Happy 2013 my friend. 🙂
PTIIINGGG! There, I sent some awsome magic to you for 2013. No freaks or geeks need apply to your life now! All good and happiness will come for you… it’s never the same day, things could and WILL be lovely for you from here out, yep, they can and will.
but some of them are pretty cute. lol. Have you seen the show? Jason Segel and James Franco. 🙂
Yes! My son and I watched some together, when he was still living at home, I have very fond memories of it wrapped up with quiet times with my son. One of our favorite things to do was watch “teenager” shows together, I also loved “Boy Meets World”. Shea LeBouf (Not sure of spelling) went on to big action pictures. Too many good shows, and not enough time to enjoy. I really really like simple things.
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