Now that my hands are smaller …


hand

 

“Even when my hand is bigger than your hand, I’ll still hold it” he once told me.

 

Things are strained between my son and I, and I’m uncertain of what to do.

“You’re afraid that he won’t like you.” One friend said.

Yeah.

Yeah I am.

That little boy who reached out with his tiny hands, “Up!”

That little boy who fell asleep on my chest – as I stroked his impossibly blonde hair out of his eyes.

The boy I played games with.

The boy I wanted to please with every ounce of my heart.

I didn’t want him to lose out – feel different. Having only me.

The young man who only 2 years ago turned and waved as he walked up the dirt road to the school bus stop.

The young man who would tell me everything that hurt him – share his hopes and dreams.

Of course I want him to like me.

But it feels like it’s all gone.

I blinked and became redundant.

__________________________________________________

His priorities are askew – not focusing on school nor work – he is not following the house rules which are only a few.

It was so long ago that I was ‘momma’.

I barely see him now.

I don’t hear what is hurting him.

I don’t know anymore what his hopes are – or dreams.

“Why is he treating me this way? I made sure to do everything different.  Do everything right.”

I lamented to a fellow mom yesterday.

“I remember being so excited to run home with a craft I made at school to show my mom, I remember it being so important to me to find just the right present for her at Christmas time. He has never really been that way toward me.”

“Maybe you were too nice” she said.

And it dawned on me, that in overcompensating, maybe my son never had to feel like he needed to earn my love or approval.

I mean, of COURSE he never had to earn my love  but you know what I mean.

I still find myself wanting my mom to be proud of me. Even at 45. I make something, or accomplish something noteworthy, the first person I want to show it to  – is her.

“Like me! Like me!” My inner child always seeking approval.

I always let my son know he was my favorite person on the planet. Is that where I went wrong?

Should I have spanked him? Not played video games with him? Not snuck him out of school (when his grades were good) for a fun rare day playing hooky?

Should I have not been so candid about life as he grew?

__________________________________________________

Being mom and dad was a weird line to straddle. From baseball to condoms – driving lessons to shaving – I taught it all.

I  tried not to yell, to forgive quickly. Knowing that if anything ever happened to him, I would regret every sour word.

But in doing that – I clearly did not instill any healthy fear. I did not gain respect and have not been taken seriously.

And every day – my “Up!” boy is slipping away.

And his hands are so much bigger than mine – and so far from holding.

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on December 3, 2014, in Motherhood, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. You should really have a warning on these posts. I’m crying my eyes out ad my little boy is following me around with a waffle in one hand saying mommy mommy mommy. I love you manda and pickle too

  2. motherhood clearly doesn’t have a manual or we would all be perfectly adjusted adults. Nic is in a space where is learning to be a man and that is going to be hard on you. Trust that he loves you.

    Two of my mothers three children are nor speaking to her, the other one has the grandkids so she just shakes her head and goes on with it. my brother resents my mom for giving no sense of guidance as a child as she was flitting from one religion, life style, cult constantly (funny he was the the one who could do no wrong in her eyes.). For me i am treated with unexpected attacks about stupid things and just bad wording in general about my life and my choices. I have known i was scheduled for adoption before i was born as abortion was illegal then. I found out last week from my brother that he was told by “mom” that he was the only planned kid. he was furious when i told him about the adoption and that she had told me. we have sort of made a pact that we will not speak to her until she is 3 months into therapy. he was/is going to email this to our dad.

    so, don’t feel bad mother/child relationships are hard!!!!!

  3. life is hard, no easy way around it!

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