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My Taylor Swift moment
It’s been quite bonkers the past few days. Teddy Bonkers even. 
Friday night brought the joy of electrical issues that weren’t resolved until Sunday afternoon. Last night I guess the cable got jealous and decided ‘Hey! We didn’t get to be the source of a problem!’ and shut down on me. Yet another day without internet, cable or phone. Bottom line – I haven’t had access to blog land reliably since Thursday.
Friday also brought about a friend from the past. In town unfortunately for unpleasant reasons. His mother had taken ill and was in the hospital. This friend of mine is also an ex of mine – and we’ve managed in our own weird way to stay friends in between saying ugly things to each other. We always seem to come around to an understanding that our lives are better with each other in them. I love him. He’s a good man.
This morning … a very odd happening indeed.
I woke up late (that’s twice in a row!) ended up driving my son to school as he missed the bus at his stop. Once I arrived at work (early – I’m always early to work, waking up late is not a deterrent) the front door opened and standing there was another ex.
Keep up now – this one is a fighter. Cage fighter/MMA. True to his hobby, he’s still fighting – and as I was to find out, still fighting for me.
Here’s where I get all Taylor Swifty. You’re in my life, you end up in a post. Anonymous of course.
“I came by because I was thinking of you”
“That would make sense”
We chatted a bit about Christmas, how things are going in general – upcoming fights. He was skirting around something … I could tell. And in all honesty, I didn’t want him to get to his point of being there.
My boss arrived and after saying ‘hi’ to my ex – he disappeared into the bowels of the building with the coffee carafe.
The point was then arrived at.
“I still love you, I thought I could get over you – but I don’t know why we can’t be together”.
Gulp.
“I don’t know what to say” I offered.
“I know”.
He started to leave and actually had tears in his eyes. I stood and gave him an awkward hug.
“We can talk about this another time” I heard myself saying.
“OK”.
What does it say about me that I can look into someones teary eyes as they tell me “I love you” and feel nothing. Nothing.
Had a fleeting thought that perhaps I have sociopathic tendencies, then decided, no.
Not one fiber of me has any interest in reviving that particular dead romantic horse.
I sat replaying the whole bizarre visit in my head. Then found myself getting pissed.
As romantic as his speech might have been in a movie – in reality, it doesn’t work that way. And speaking of work – I was AT WORK!
Who comes in to someones place of employment and assumes they have arrived at a rare moment in that persons day that they’re available for a chat?
I don’t work in a store, or a restaurant. I mean, I could see someone patronizing a business you work and waving, or even coming over to your counter or station and saying ‘hey!’ But … in an office – for a deep talk?
How selfish was it to come and bare his soul and leave? What if (and I wasn’t) but, what IF, I was affected emotionally by his monologue? Then I would have to sit all day, unable to focus on work that requires my concentration. Imagine dropping your child off at school – passing them their lunch box and saying: “Have a nice day – oh, and we’re putting the dog to sleep today”.
Then it dawned on me. And I could be wrong. But, maybe, just maybe he ran into my other ex. (It’s a small town). Maybe, just maybe he was wondering ‘why is he here? Is he here to see her?’ Then that’s more revolting to me. To come by and perhaps stake a claim or plant a seed in my head.
Guys are as bananas as girls ladies and gentleman.
I had jokingly put this up on my Facebook page:
Yeah … that’s me. But you know, I figured out enough about myself to know what is not healthy for me. For me, and for relationships period. And I ended my unhealthy ones. And just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I can’t see red flags just because they’re flying on someone elses flagpole.
Ironically, I took some time today to put hearts up in the office. (Valentines is just around the corner – according to every flipping store I’ve happened into). Hey – I’m not against love. Just don’t come into my bread and butter to declare it to me!
Incapable of mad?! (And someone who wasn’t)
Ironic that I was about to write this post and had the following interaction with my son. I told him a little while ago he’s got to take a shower – and if he didn’t I would be sad – and mad. He chuckled. “What?” I asked. “Nothing” he said. He finally just caved and said he was laughing because, and I quote, “you’re incapable of the emotion mad“.
Suppose I should take that as a compliment. I try not to let things get to me. And I’ve never truly lost it with him. I’m glad he doesn’t, and hasn’t lived in fear of me.
ANYWAY! Today I had another interaction that did not end in chuckles.
I keep my actual ‘real life’ (except for my skeletons) anonymous for obvious reasons. So, I won’t be mentioning details about my job. But, had a customer today at my desk, spewing very ugly and aggressive words in my direction while leaned over my desk towards me.
Let me just say – this is someone who just seems to be perpetually angry. Chronic discontent. After I was told I could ‘shove’ something in an area that could prove to be uncomfortable, and after a few F bombs exploded in my face – I’d had enough.
I may not know all my worth, but what I DO know is I do my best and go above and beyond at work. I CARE about the customers. I CARE about the people I work with. I just care. I also think it’s important that whatever job you do, no matter big or small, it should be done well.
I come in early every single day – I eat my packed lunch at my desk. I’ll take maybe 15-20 minutes to clear my head and come right back and dive in.
The verbal assault was unwarranted. I had to tell her that she needed to back up and that her tirade was neither fair, nor right. I remained professional and kept my calm and my wits about me, but inside I was a little girl again and cringing and stinging from the assault.
I was alone in the office and I’ve dealt with this particular person on several occasions. She is always angry.
After almost half an hour of this, she said the sentence that was the final straw for me.
“YOU don’t understand!”.
“OK, you’re right, I can’t know how you are feeling right now, but I DO understand! I’ve been doing this for almost 14 years. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of people. I have personally lost my house, been almost homeless not so long ago, work two jobs to raise my son alone, have a heart condition and a lung disease and I GET IT!”.
What I wanted to add to that is: “But I CHOOSE every day to be happy! I CHOOSE to count my blessings and focus on what I DO have”.
I’d love to say that she left placated. I did try to soothe, and help – that’s what I do. I pointed out that there seemed to be more to her frustration than our situation, and that I was sorry she was so upset. I tried to suggest she count her blessings. But, there are some people who just do not want to be soothed, and do not want to be helped. Pity sometimes is just too pretty.
When she left, I wasn’t mad. I was sad. I was sad because, this is the same woman who shocked me the first time I met her with her racist comments – the same woman who has been a pill from day one.
I am sad because it just must feel awful to be her. To feel the way she does. I don’t mean that in a condescending way, I mean it literally. I truly hope she finds a peaceful heart.
It’s got to be just an awful feeling to be so angry all the time – to hate – to be capable of such venomous words.
I’m sure there’s a reason behind her behavior, but it’s no excuse. There are people who have been through hell and back and don’t take it out on everyone they come in contact with. They CHOOSE to be happy. And if not happy, at least not angry all the time.
I’ll say a prayer for her tonight. I’ll gather all the positive energy I can muster when I work on her transaction. I’ll send her love and light. Because really, she is in a prison of her own making and it’s holding her tight. Tightly away from serenity, love and peace. The key is deciding to overturn that self-inflicted punishment.
I hope she finds the key – it’s right there … in her hands.
The shut up Buddha
My desk Buddha – he reminds me to shut up. Or put more sweetly, to think before I speak, because I have a habit of saying what’s on my mind, out loud, a lot.
I thought he’d help.
Now I look at him from home, he looks like he could also be reminding me to stuff my face with fun food too! I don’t talk with my mouth full, so I suppose either way, both should help with keeping my trap shut.
Did a lot of speaking today – mainly to my boss about how important it is that we observe Veterans Day by closing Monday. I’m not going to lie, I really just wanted a three-day weekend.
Wait! Before I come off like a thoughtless, shallow, ingrate – let me just say, I am grateful every day to those who serve.
I tell every Veteran I do a loan for ‘thank you’ and then grill them about their experiences etc. Nothing better than hearing someones story first hand.
I’m also thankful all year and not just on Thanksgiving. (Don’t get me started on Thanksgiving though – that’s one holiday I wouldn’t mind working on. Celebrating taking someone’s land and spreading disease. YAY!)
Well, all my campaigning failed as I was told ‘See you Monday!’ as my boss left. Although, I know he’s only coming in for a couple of hours. Nice. LOL!
And because it’s Friday here’s another picture for you taken on the way home. I stopped on the parkway to take this and was almost struck by at least 3 speeding cars! (no lie) But you’re worth it. You’re welcome. 😉
I didn’t alter this at all. It was a gorgeous black and white shot just waiting to be captured.
The wrath of a woman with a cold (and too out of it to think of anything clever to rhyme with ‘scorned’)
I have a bug. Not sure what strain and don’t really care. Yesterday it manifested as a sore throat and a sleepless night. This morning, I was very tempted to call in sick.
I have never called in sick since I’ve been at my current place of employment. I have literally even gone to the emergency room and come BACK to work.
When I did call in sick at my other places of employment, it was usually because my son was sick and too young to be sick alone.
I also remembered I had a customer coming in at 9 a.m. SO! I ‘manned’ up. Got dressed, put what passed as a happy healthy face on and went to work.
Mini-tangent: Why do they call it ‘manning up’? Really. Isn’t it us women who soldier though our days with minimal complaint?
Well, not today baby. By the time I got to work, I was dizzy, achy, had a headache that wouldn’t quit and the thought of food was so vile I actually only packed some salted tortilla chips and 3 clementines for lunch.
I sent an email to my manager requesting to leave early after I handled the urgent items on my desk.
No reply.
Hmph.
After the customer left my head was now spinning. I was seriously reconsidering the joys of having a swivel chair.
At about 12:30, the male loan officer in the office got the brunt of my pent-up sickly frustration.
“Have I EVER called in? I feel like I don’t EXIST! And WHAT is that in my inbox?” He gingerly withdrew the item and in a small voice asked “well, what do you have going on work wise?” I think I gaped. I picked my jaw off of the floor and with watery eyes retorted with “Does it matter?! Next time I’m just calling in!” He backed away slowly with “you exist to me …”
I sat feeling very silly and a little sorry for myself and as touched as I could muster up by his comment. I apologized and we agreed that not feeling well definitely amplifies frustration.
He generously offered that I should go home and rest so that I would ‘be better for tomorrow’.
Sigh.
I get home and crawl on the couch, mindful of the clock and the fact that I had an hour and a half before my son came home from school.
Nodded off after about 45 minutes of whimpering and was awakened by a stream of sunlight hitting me in the face. I felt like a vampire for a split second – but did not combust. The heat I felt after the front door closed was a fun new symptom – little fever.
In walks my son. Does he ask why I’m home? No. He grabs the remote and quietly says, (like he’s doing me a favor) “I’m just going to do what I normally do.” Cartoons are now in my aching ear – and he plops down at the computer.
I give up. I decide we’re having an early dinner – which I know I have to make. I do the dishes that I know I have to do – and with all the maturity of a 43-year-old mom, I stomp off to my room to curl into a little sick ball. Came out once to hear “what is the dog barking at?”
“I don’t know,” I snapped “Let me check shall I?”
Was pretty close to tears at that point – but that would have pushed me dangerously over the edge into ‘man cold’ territory.
I have T-minus 13 hours to make a miraculous recovery. When my ears stop ringing, I’ll go find my cape.
“There are no bad days!” (breathe, repeat, breathe, repeat!)
I am a firm believer that if I wake up, it’s already a great day!
A day is what you make of it. However, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, other people and/or events can suck the positive energy right out of you.
As much as happiness is contagious, so is tension and frustration.
My day started out almost comically when my coffee maker decided it was time to head to the giant coffee bean in the sky. I guess even appliances evacuate themselves in an undignified manner in their final moments, as my counter and kitchen floor can attest to.
Twice I mopped up the contents of the gasping machine (the second time after I believed I had ‘fixed’ it).
No worries. I’ll buy instant coffee when I get groceries tomorrow (I told myself) and besides, how blessed am I to even get to go grocery shopping?? (I told myself).
Off to work.
I love what I do. I do it well. I even went in early to put up some fun October decor!
Went downhill from there. At one point, I’m pretty sure even the freshly hung inflatable spider and bat wanted to turn the fishing line they’re suspended from into a noose.
This will be at least the third post I mention my adversity to confrontation. I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation without the words or whereabouts to defend myself today.
The source of this uncomfortable situation repeatedly scurries off and spins a tale devoid of facts in my favor.
Now, while I have a lot of faith, fear does creep in from time to time. I live paycheck to paycheck. I work my arse off at a full-time job and a part-time weekend job and I DO fear losing them.
It was only 2 years ago that I was very near to being homeless and had next to nothing in the pantry.
I have gratitude. For breathing, having shelter, utilities and food.
I’d really like to keep those things.
So I think this particular ‘concern’ (ok, yeah, it’s an outright fear) is sort of healthy. I mean, I don’t spend every waking moment thinking ‘oh my God – what if I lose my job!’, but when things get hairy, I worry.
If a door is going to close, it would be great to have a heads up. Because it’s not me I’m worried about – it’s being able to provide the necessities for my little family. ♥
But we don’t get a ‘heads up’, do we? Life doesn’t work that way. (Cue George Michael, “Gotta have faith…” thanks George, can I borrow your coffee maker while we’re at it?)
So I drive home. I’m driving and trying oh so hard to shake off the fear. Trying to appreciate the scenery, trying to cheer up and I’m remembering that God hasn’t let me down yet.
I pull up to the fence. And the front door opens. Out pokes my son’s head, he smiles and waves. The dog wiggles out the door and stands at the fence wagging her tail.
And I KNOW today is not a bad day. They’re in it.
Life is so very beautiful. I’m so glad I was invited.
Post Script – I’m about to hit ‘publish’ and my son calls – he’s ok, but my car is not. BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE. 😦
Debauchery Soup 
