Cheese and Rice! I have managed to sad myself right into depression. But, I’m not having it! Nope. Enough.
If I had to analyze myself, I would say my mood of late has been a culmination of several pretty big events.
1) My Nannie, who was a HUGE bright loving light in my childhood, turned 90 on the 23rd. My mom went over to England to surprise her and to celebrate her birthday. I have to face the very real fact that the odds are I will never see my Nannie again.
2) Nic turns 18 next month. I’ve done post after post on how I feel about that (click on the ‘Motherhood’ category).
3) I think I’m having a mini-midlife meltdown. (My first clue might have been when I dyed my hair from natural blonde to brown.)
While I am grateful for everything I have, and blessed beyond my wildest dreams when it comes to friends, family and those most important things that cannot be bought, I worry.
I worry that I have no savings, no retirement plan, no health insurance to turn to with my very real health issues. Very easily interpreted by an imaginative mind into: I have no future.
4) I’m beat! Seriously tuckered out. It’s been a hell of a few years!
I stopped drinking, asked for a divorce, got the divorce, was almost homeless, was unemployed, moved, got a job, got my smile back and started a blog to share it all. Throughout all of that I’ve dealt with my heart condition, my lung disease and penny by penny, caught up with past due bills and by the grace of God – I made it!
But jeez – sometimes a nap is in order after such exertion. 😉
5) The tooth. This will be the last time I mention it. (Until I get it pulled, then I’m all up in your eyes with a post about that) But being physically knocked off my perch was the final straw for this camels back.
But here’s the thing –
- Not once have I wanted to drink through any of this.
- My Nannie is alive and amazing
- My son is here – and we have an outstanding relationship
- I am not hungry. (OK, I’m a little bit hungry lol, but I have food, just can’t chew)
- I am not homeless
- I can afford my medicine
- I woke up this morning
- the bills ARE paid
- I have an appointment to handle the tooth
I have got to focus on the positive, because God hasn’t let me down yet.
So what the heck am I doing not using that smile?
I’m glad I blogged about how I was feeling at the time though. I hope that maybe someone who feels like I felt, but wouldn’t say what I said – knows that there is ALWAYS the choice to decide to be happy anyway.
I am grateful. I am loved. I am human. And I’m going to have times when I feel overwhelmed – and those times will teach me how to be stronger, without putting armor on. I have learned to reach out. I have learned I don’t have to put on my wonder woman cape. I am enough.
I’ve done an awesome job of climbing over obstacles, and even though my muscles are a bit sore (I really should stretch before all that climbing), it’s so great to get to the other side.
Out of the dark, up and over into the light of my loved ones.
(Oh, and poor Teddy, getting dragged into such a somber post. I owe him his own. He’s been through a LOT with me.)
Ironic that I was about to write this post and had the following interaction with my son. I told him a little while ago he’s got to take a shower – and if he didn’t I would be sad – and mad. He chuckled. “What?” I asked. “Nothing” he said. He finally just caved and said he was laughing because, and I quote, “you’re incapable of the emotion mad“.
Suppose I should take that as a compliment. I try not to let things get to me. And I’ve never truly lost it with him. I’m glad he doesn’t, and hasn’t lived in fear of me.
ANYWAY! Today I had another interaction that did not end in chuckles.
I keep my actual ‘real life’ (except for my skeletons) anonymous for obvious reasons. So, I won’t be mentioning details about my job. But, had a customer today at my desk, spewing very ugly and aggressive words in my direction while leaned over my desk towards me.
Let me just say – this is someone who just seems to be perpetually angry. Chronic discontent. After I was told I could ‘shove’ something in an area that could prove to be uncomfortable, and after a few F bombs exploded in my face – I’d had enough.
I may not know all my worth, but what I DO know is I do my best and go above and beyond at work. I CARE about the customers. I CARE about the people I work with. I just care. I also think it’s important that whatever job you do, no matter big or small, it should be done well.
I come in early every single day – I eat my packed lunch at my desk. I’ll take maybe 15-20 minutes to clear my head and come right back and dive in.
The verbal assault was unwarranted. I had to tell her that she needed to back up and that her tirade was neither fair, nor right. I remained professional and kept my calm and my wits about me, but inside I was a little girl again and cringing and stinging from the assault.
I was alone in the office and I’ve dealt with this particular person on several occasions. She is always angry.
After almost half an hour of this, she said the sentence that was the final straw for me.
“YOU don’t understand!”.
“OK, you’re right, I can’t know how you are feeling right now, but I DO understand! I’ve been doing this for almost 14 years. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of people. I have personally lost my house, been almost homeless not so long ago, work two jobs to raise my son alone, have a heart condition and a lung disease and I GET IT!”.
What I wanted to add to that is: “But I CHOOSE every day to be happy! I CHOOSE to count my blessings and focus on what I DO have”.
I’d love to say that she left placated. I did try to soothe, and help – that’s what I do. I pointed out that there seemed to be more to her frustration than our situation, and that I was sorry she was so upset. I tried to suggest she count her blessings. But, there are some people who just do not want to be soothed, and do not want to be helped. Pity sometimes is just too pretty.
When she left, I wasn’t mad. I was sad. I was sad because, this is the same woman who shocked me the first time I met her with her racist comments – the same woman who has been a pill from day one.
I am sad because it just must feel awful to be her. To feel the way she does. I don’t mean that in a condescending way, I mean it literally. I truly hope she finds a peaceful heart.
It’s got to be just an awful feeling to be so angry all the time – to hate – to be capable of such venomous words.
I’m sure there’s a reason behind her behavior, but it’s no excuse. There are people who have been through hell and back and don’t take it out on everyone they come in contact with. They CHOOSE to be happy. And if not happy, at least not angry all the time.
I’ll say a prayer for her tonight. I’ll gather all the positive energy I can muster when I work on her transaction. I’ll send her love and light. Because really, she is in a prison of her own making and it’s holding her tight. Tightly away from serenity, love and peace. The key is deciding to overturn that self-inflicted punishment.
I hope she finds the key – it’s right there … in her hands.