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“Dear God”
I have the Sarah McLachlan song going through my head having typed the subject. I’m singing in my head ‘… hope you got the letter and I pray you can make it better down here.” I do that. Everything tangents off into a song for me, or song prompts a movie. But that’s not what this is about.
I woke up last night thinking about prayer.
My prayers have changed.
I brush my teeth, I hit my knees and I bow my head and say ‘Hi’. Always I say ‘Thank you’. But what used to be a laundry list of requests and specifics has become one phrase I say every night. “God bless all those in my heart, on my mind and in the world”. Then I’ll toss in ‘and God bless Butters’ because she’s usually staring at me inches away waiting for her bedtime ‘cookie’.
Why do we pray?
I crack up sometimes wondering if we really believe God hasn’t noticed some one or some situation needs his attention. And if he does need that pointing out, then clearly he’s not powerful enough to do anything about it!
But he doesn’t need us pointing anything out does he. He’s not off busy doing something and not aware that someone is tugging at his shirt waiting for their prayer to be answered.
Infinite.
As for: “Oh, he has far more important things to worry about”. Maybe when we say that we’re realizing perhaps this ‘thing’ that we’re worried about isn’t so earth shattering. But I’m pretty sure whatever God you pray to can multi-task.
In my opinion, Prayer is for us. A realignment. Focusing our energy toward others or a goal. Experiencing humility.
I draw power from sending out light and love to others. I stay grateful telling a power greater than me ‘Thank You’. And I know that prayers are answered. So I’ll keep doing it.
Root beer float and peach pie love
Hadn’t felt well last night – my heart learned a new trick last night and was showing it off. I held tight to my 40-year-old bear ‘Teddy’ and slept. This morning, it was still demonstrating its new trick. ‘Tug, kick, gurgle – repeat’.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have a heart condition. I take 3 different medications and just really sort of deal with it. However, when a new symptom presents – it is a little creepy, considering my existing issues.
I debated just riding it out, I have no health insurance. But I know that if something was seriously wrong and preventable, I would KICK myself for worrying about money over my life.
So, this morning I ran an errand – came home, told Nic I was going to the hospital and went to the emergency room.
I can’t even count how many EKG’s, IV’s or X-rays I’ve had at this point. I’m pretty well versed in the procedures. The nurse was amazing. We discussed books (I had brought my nook along) she was kind and warm.
My actual arm – don’t think for one minute I wasn’t already thinking about sharing my day with you lol.
Waiting for my blood and X-ray results, they brought a roommate in. This gentleman was in fact having a heart attack. He had come in the night before and they wanted to admit him, but he had to work so he had left. Bonkers! (But, probably I would have done the same – what is WRONG with us??).
They worked diligently on him. I had tears in my eyes hearing how brave he was trying to sound and knowing how scared he must have been. He went to ICU.
Fast forward to my release. I was told I needed to rest, relax and to see my cardiologist in a couple of days. Felt so blessed to be walking out – and hoped with every fiber of my being that my roommate would be OK.
I came home, feeling bruised and tired. Went grocery shopping – sent my son out for some quick food and lay on the couch. Sleep found me.
What I awoke to, in a fog – was my son presenting me with a root beer float. 🙂 That thing didn’t stand a chance.
It tasted of love.
There was a smell in the air too – he was cooking a peach pie.
How blessed am I?? Seriously. I am so very grateful for every single day. For the love I have in my life, and for every beat of my imperfect heart.
Love and minecraft
I’m being weaned off of my son. I have a relationship with the back of his head, and occasionally catch sight of him in the fridge.
I go into his room and try to watch him play whatever Xbox 360 game he’s playing at the time, but I have no clue what he’s doing! In a desperate attempt to relate I’ll even post this pic, but I have no idea what an ‘Enderman’ is.
He get’s to talk to his friends on a headset, so even when he’s cruising through the kitchen on his way to the computer, he’s still in a conversation with someone.
If he didn’t have great grades, I’d pull the plug.
ANYWAY, none of this is getting me to my point any faster.
The other night I found myself a little lonely and bored. And I thought, oh no! What is it going to be like when he’s in college/working/out of the house?!
Let me clear something up – I am single. I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I feel a lot more serene when I’m not in a relationship. I was pretty sure I’d be living the rest of my life this way, and I was ok with that.
I have an 83-year-old friend who said the other day something about not having a girlfriend. My imagination, as it invariably does, pictured him getting all gussied up for a lunch date – butterflies in his stomach and thought, AWWWW! That’s so CUTE!
So if I ever change my mind I guess it’s never too late.
I watch romantic movies and tear up – doesn’t everyone want that companionship, that ‘true love’? I didn’t think I did. I want to want someone – not need them. That whole ‘you complete me’ Jerry McGuire line makes me shudder. I want to be complete and offer that to someone who is also complete.
But there are things I miss. Something as simple as a hug. Or spooning with someone – laughing with them. Sharing your day – just … being touched. Physically, emotionally touched.
I stopped by a gas station after work yesterday and an older gentleman asked me how I was. I told him ‘Good, thanks!’ He replied with a little twinkle in his eye, ‘You look good’.
“Aw, thanks!” I said – and meant it. He made my day. It’s nice to be noticed. Not in a ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ vain way – but for someone to just … notice.
So I’m reconsidering the 30 cats I was maybe going to adopt. I’m certainly not looking, but maybe the guy for me IS actually out there somewhere. Who knows?
So here’s some prerequisites:
Must have a job or a dream he’s actually working to realize.
Must have a sense of humor.
Must be confident and positive most of the time.
Must love animals.
Must love kids.
Must love music – all genres.
Must have his own interests!
Must respect and encourage my interests.
Must leave me alone when I’m reading/writing.
Must not be needy.
Must adore me and cherish me.
Must be adored and cherished back.
Must not be racist, homophobic or an arsehole.
Must be kind to others.
Must be open-minded.
Must be somewhat eclectic and a little bananas. 🙂
If he knows how to fix cars and/or cook – then that’s a huge bonus. LOL!
I’m not a groupie!
Was that eye-catching enough?
Been thinking lately about passion.
My son and I had a chat about this. His plan for after graduation was to pursue higher education in the culinary field. I know he has an interest in food (for sure I know this lol) and also in cooking – but not in the way that he’s constantly in the kitchen, or watching cooking shows, or looking up chefs and restaurants on the internet.
I pointed this out to him and have previously pointed out that you don’t just suddenly become a Chef – master of your own kitchen and restaurant. There’s hard work involved and you start from the bottom and work your way up.
You have to LOVE what you’re doing. You’re going to be cooking the same dishes over and over and over, in a hot, busy, noisy kitchen.
He wasn’t sure what else he had a talent for or an interest in, until I pointed out the fact that there is one constant in his life lately that he seems to also enjoy. Photography.
We’ll see where that goes, but I had already been thinking about passion and this only served to bring on more pondering.
What is my passion?
I’m not sure. I know what I like to do.
I know I’m pretty good at a few things, but by no means do I excel in anything that I’m aware of.
I like to write. I like to draw. I like to paint. I like to sing. I like to take photographs. But I’m really not GREAT at any of those things.
If someone came to me and said ‘Debauch,’ (ok, we’ve established my name is Amanda in my first post, I suppose it’s alright to use it).
Rewind, they start over and come to me and say, ‘Amanda, you no longer have to worry about earning money. Your rent, food, utilities and car are covered. Go and pursue your passion!’
I would have no clue what I would do!
I titled this post ‘I’m not a groupie’ for a reason. I have a few – OK, several ex’s that were in bands.
Yes, it’s exciting to be at a show, yes, it is kind of cool to be the singer/drummer/bass players girlfriend. BUT! That wasn’t what drew me to any of them.
Other than my passion for music, I’m drawn to people who pursue their dreams.
Drive, ambition, hard work and gratitude for whatever fruit is born from that. Yup.
For me, there’s nothing sexier than someone who not only shows an interest in something, but has the tenacity to develop their talent and then not only work hard to chase their dream but to MAKE IT HAPPEN? Holy cow. THAT is a turn on.
It says a lot about a person who knows who they are, what they want and has the courage and drive to achieve it.
Whatever ‘it’ is. Doesn’t have to be music.
I’m not a groupie, I’m a ‘dream chaser connoisseur’.
I had a great opportunity this Summer to meet the Gin Blossoms singer Robin Wilson.
Watch any live video of him on YouTube and you’ll see a man who loves what he does and loves interacting with his fans.
I told him this. I mentioned how amazing it was to see him enjoying his show.
He told me that he really does love what he does and still has fun doing it.
He went on to share some of his inspirations with me. Some were other frontmen who enjoy what they do as much as he does. It really comes through in the performance you know.
No matter what you do – enthusiasm for it, comes through in the performance.
I think right now in my life, my passion may be learning? Growing spiritually and making connections. If I didn’t have to work – if I had an all access pass to pursue a passion … I think I’d grab my son and hit the road.
I’d show him some of the countries I’ve had the honor of visiting.
I would want to return to India – show him how happy some of the poorest communities are because they are grateful.
I would want to return to France and Italy and Greece and show him art and architecture.
I would want to return to Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iran and show him what it’s like to live in surrounded by unrest and fear.
I would do those things, and take photographs and write about it here.
I think I found it.
My passion is all of the things I don’t do perfectly, but love doing. ♥
Being a mom, a student, a teacher – immersing myself in other cultures and beliefs – and sharing that.
And, if we hit a few concerts on the way? Just remember – I’m not a groupie!
Happy and I know it (still clapping my little blog hands)
I am happy. I am off the hedonic treadmill and go to lengths to be sure I don’t visit that apparatus again!
I wondered today, if I asked everyone to take a week to come up with 3 things that make them happy, what would they be?
That in mind, I thought I should do the exercise first and found there was no way in heck there were just going to be three things!
This will be part 1 of ‘Happy and I know it’ because there’s just so much to say!
I brainstormed and these things came flowing out first:
The unexpected, scents, laughter, LOVE, giving, harmony, nature, imagination, innocence, music, animals, simplicity, synergy, absence of ego, rhythm, anticipation. I added: Faith, sparrows, having ‘enough’, beautiful actions, learning, kindness, compassion, gratitude.
In no particular order – a little on a some of the big ones for me.
Laughter. I’m talking the real deal – eyes closed, authentic, almost no sound coming out laugher. Side splitting, tears in my eyes, can barely breathe laughter. And if you’re laughing, I’m laughing. SO contagious. My son makes me laugh at least once every single day.
Imagination. From reading to movies, dreams and writing – expressing myself creatively or losing myself in someone elses creativity – that’s a big one for me.
Love. Love for a child, love for friends – loving complete strangers and ok, that first kiss and having butterflies in the tummy. This has to be my number one. Love is absolutely, I believe, what ‘it’ is all about. I’ll never forget J.K. Rowling telling Oprah how she thought of the passengers on one of the 9/11 flights – how they KNEW they were going to die, and the last thing they wanted to do was reach their loved one and just get to tell them “I love you”. Powerful. Truly powerful. They weren’t thinking about work, or their cars or their jewelry. It all came down to love.
Gratitude. Oh am I ever grateful! For everything I have, for everything I don’t have. I’m grateful to have ‘enough’. I don’t want more than that. I’m grateful for every breath, every moment, everything. I say ‘thank you’ every night. I get down on my knees, squeeze my eyes tight and bow my head and say ‘THANK YOU!!!’.
Compassion and kindness. I love seeing these in others and strive to practice them myself. Being of service to each other is so important. Forgetting ourselves, getting lost in bringing joy to others results in absence of ego.
Scents. Wow. We have the obvious – rain, fresh-cut grass – puppy breath, bacon cooking (or is that just me?). Some of my favorite scents though are attached to memories. I keep a bottle of mint sauce (that reminds me of tea time and a blue checkered table-cloth) in the fridge, just for an occasional sniff.
My Nannie’s green house where she grew tomato plants. I had recurring dreams of that smell … the plants mixed with the warm wooden planked floor and the soil. I could sit in there and just breathe that in all day long.
I love the soap she uses too – and the smell of her bed sheets after they were hand washed and line dried. Dreamy. ^_^
Anticipation. I LOVE being ‘next’ in line. I love Christmas Eve. I love that feeling BEFORE an upcoming event. I think this is because there’s still that delicious excitement buzzing in the air. It hasn’t happened yet – it’s not over. I love, love, love looking forward to something.
Music. Opera, classical symphonies, every decade, every genre, music makes me so very happy. Andrea Bocelli brings me to tears, Freddie Mercury’s voice elicits goosebumps. Music makes my heart and soul leap! And Theres nothing like a live performance, love that throb you can feel in your chest from the speakers!
Being deliciously tired is another thing that makes me happy, and I’m feeling that now. So I’ll wrap this up with a couple of quotes that I didn’t come up with.
“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
“By not seeking your own happiness, you find it”.
— Unknown (to me at this moment … I’m seriously tired lol)
Tired, but HAPPY!
Debauchery Soup 