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Appreciating life – and loving what is.
I am fully aware I will eventually lose everything I’ve got. I mean, we are all are terminal – we will all die. But have I taken people for granted? Absolutely.
But while we’re living, I’ve learned a few things.
Especially lately.
I grew in 2015.
I learned that something I held to be true for 25 years was myth.
I learned that I CAN heal quicker than I thought.
I learned that I am capable of SO many lows and still keep my head above circumstantial water and breathe.
I also learned, or rather – decided – everything does NOT happen for a reason.
Sometimes shite happens. Just … Because. Life is random. The chaos theory comes to mind. And I believe in that. Something happens and triggers something – also, if you’re positive or negative, you ARE dictating you day/life.
But more than often, life ‘happens’ as it should.
Sounds like I’m debasing my theory, but the bottom line is when someone takes an action, it causes another action. Not ‘meant to be.’ We have a choice. A choice how to react and that, in turn, results in an outcome in your head – in your life.
I have intentions of having mostly positive thoughts to attract positive things in 2016 – and no, that’s not a resolution, it’s a hope.
So, the fact that I’m typing this, still missing my mum and mourning my Nannie’s imminent passing is … I don’t know what it is.
I know I’ve also learned these things.
My dad is lost without my mum.
I’m trying so hard to be there. To do what my mum would want.
At the same time, I have my home, and my work week and I still have a son who needs me.
I’m so glad he needs me.
Not in the ‘I can’t live without you’ way, but – in the, ‘Show me how to ‘adult’ and help me with college way.
My gorgeous son.
So down to the ‘downer’ part.
One conversation with my mum, I’m not sharing more:
And every day it’s the same sort of conversation. How are YOU doing? How is Nannie doing? And it’s been a month w/out my Mum. And I so appreciate her and miss her and love her.
When I brought up what I HATED … I loved her response
Talk about positive.
I have a mother spending every day with my dying Nannie and still can appreciate the bulbs of flowers coming to fruition and knowing what is important.
Being there.
Just being there.
For the person she loves and who needs her.
And still has the energy to tell someone not to be jaded.
I have a new love for my mother.
I will not take anything for granted anymore.
I will love what I love and be who I am and live in the moment.
Because we all know (don’t we?) that today is a gift.
This morning, my gift was opening two eyes.
Musings from the home (since glaucoma man was ‘Chatty Charlie’ today
I tried, I really did. I pulled out my iPad after giving my ‘laundry lady’ her Christmas ‘bonus’ :). I was so happy to be able to do that. I see her 52 times a year and each week, she has a smile for me – makes coffee and is sure the WiFi is working. So yeah, she got a little something.
But, Glaucoma Man WAS chatty Charlie this week – so I listened. And didn’t type.
So I’ve decided to share my day with you in photos.
FYI: My Nannie is being moved to a ‘care’ facility tomorrow. There is nothing more the hospital can do for her – and my mum is still over there. Of course she is. She is a strong, amazing, loving woman. And if I’ve been anything but positive this season, it’s because I miss her and I am wishing I could hold my Nannie’s hand.
ANYWAY!
Let’s get to those photos before I start being allergic to something and have water coming out of my see-holes.
I think my favorite bird has to be the sparrow. I love how they hop. I love how unassuming they are. Others might think them bland – I find them adorable. I captured a few in my ‘faux’ garden. I keep the plants to the right of this picture because they attract bees and we SO need bees, I keep that weed to the left of the picture because – well, because it makes me feel like I HAVE a garden. LOL.
This one – I keep telling Butters “Santa is coming!” I also told her today, “You’d better have a bath for Santa” and she hopped right into the tub. This was what remained of her after she went outside to completely dry off.
This was my clean ‘Bah’ before she left those prints. And the Pokemon towel in the background? That’s become hers – but I remember how much it meant to Nic when first purchased.
Flowers from last weekend wilting – 😦 They were from my son’s girlfriend and I adore them. You’ll also notice an Elinor Donahue cook book. Fun fact: One of my favorite people on the planet, and my son’s godfather is her son. I miss him and wish I could hang out with his lovely wife and gorgeous daughter.
Bumblebee has this outer seared inner sashimi thing available – and right now, there is a $2.00 off coupon available. I snatched it up. Add wasabi and soy and HEAVEN!
Just love how the light caught my little chair Santa. He’s actually supposed to be ON a chair – but, we don’t have a dining room table/chairs anymore. So, he get’s the cushy life. 😉
And lastly, my sleepy girl. We played ball after her bath so she would totally dry quicker. (That doesn’t seem like a grammatically correct sentence – but oh well.)
THAT was my Sunday.
I did laundry, chatted, shopped at Walmart and completely melted down due to um, being @ Walmart – wrapped,
took photos – ate yummy food and NOW! Now, I’m going to watch my recorded ‘Top Chef’.
I’ll post before Christmas, but if you don’t read before then, Merry Christmas or Merry whatever you celebrate OR just, have a happy week – and thank you for following and I wish you nothing but gratitude, love and peace. X
Random (‘Packed full of Action and Emotion- said in movie guy voice) Tuesday.
A special Tuesday update for you – where I’ll share my blonde moment, my home inspection, my imminent matricide, my Cantina rock and my current non-merriness.
I rent. Today was my annual home inspection. I was to leave work @ noonish, herd Butters in order for the inspector to go about her work and then return to mine.
First things first, I removed a piece I wrote about my Nannie as it hurt a couple of people – but, it is fair to say I’m hurting too and needed an outlet. She’s currently in hospital and my mum is with her. Other than that being 90% of what I’m thinking about lately, comes the selfish: “I don’t have MY mum for Christmas” and “I don’t feel merry this Christmas.”
I called my dad tonight to tell him if he’s still in the country I would come over Christmas and cook dinner there.
“There’s nothing under the tree.” He said.
“That doesn’t matter. Mum would want this and we’re family.” I said.
He’s happy just grabbing a Christmas pizza, but I know for a fact my mum wants her pets and husband to have a family Christmas.
It’s all just creeping up in running shoes though.
Today I spoke to a work vendor who told me she was taking next week off.
“Oh! That’s nice!” I said.
“Yes,” she went on to say, “Christmas week off.”
Wait – WHAT?
Next week is Christmas week?!!
I have SO much to do – and everyday is filled with such uncertainty (as most days are I suppose.)
But trying to figure out who is going to be where and how to make the ones I love not feel so lonely on Christmas is driving me up a wall.
(Yeah, my first world problems again eh? Not knowing if we’ll be together – yet, I still have them. I have no room to complain.)
I DO have to go shopping. I DO have to get presents and put them under our tiny tree, and also my parents tree.
I love giving. Only wish I could give more. Feel useless here while my mum is living “Groundhogs Day” Get up. Go to hospital. Go to where she’s staying. Do it all over again.
SO! There’s that. All of that is just to make another point too – I certainly don’t feel with ANY spare time like making my ugly little vintage single wide into a castle for an inspector. So I hadn’t scrubbed every window cill or re-grouted anything. I honestly thought? “F*&% it, I’m one of the best tenants they have and this old thing is clean all the time. Take me or leave me.”
Let’s lighten it up a bit eh?
This morning – I was leaving for work and noticed it was 32 degrees outside. I actually noticed this BEFORE I decided “Oh my, my windshield is a tad dirty – I should wash it off.” And proceeded to spray and wipe.
Um.
I’m driving as I did this. And – hey, presto! I made ice! All by myself. And then felt foolish as other neighbors were pulling out of their driveways seeing my ice-pop of a windshield. And probably thinking, “How did we survive that ice storm?” *Sigh*
Onto the inspection. It went well. The lady has been the same one checking my cell (oops!) home for 5 years. She commented on Butters gaining weight – remembered the first inspection when Nic was making food in the kitchen (as he was today) and also told me (as Jim was still on the inspection card) “Oh honey, you’re so BEAUTIFUL, I can’t believe he would go.”
Insert lemon and salt here – because at the time, she was photographing my bathroom – yeah, that’s always fun, the intrusive photos – (I made sure this morning that my undies were not on the top of the laundry basket!) and I still have a photo of Jim and I on a shelf.
No, I’m not holding out hope of reuniting at this point, but I will always love him and the photo makes me happy.
But there’s that too. I miss him. This is a holiday where just – um – ‘suck!’ is happening. You can’t blame me for not sparking up the mini-tree at night.
Let’s skip straight to the ‘murder plan’. I’m back at work, and get an instant message from Nic:
Please know, I was only asking “For?” Because I wasn’t sure if he was just visiting – or spending the night – do I lock the door? Turn out the front porch light?
No, I’m really that nosey when it comes to Nic anymore.
Had an amazing weekend with him and his beautiful, wonderful, smart girlfriend … AND got to see Nic make her breakfast! Chocolate chip waffles and eggs (remember, this is the ‘kid’ I was terrified would outgrow me and how could I POSSIBLY live? lol)
One thing I AM excited about, especially with the few words I’m allowing myself to see about it – is Star Wars! I am avoiding ALL spoilers. Saturday I will be a quivering mess of nostalgia and excitement and at 10:30 my time, be sitting in a movie theater ready to have my mind blown by J.J. Abrams.
Back to the rock.
Here it is:
I instantly saw a certain Cantina band member in it. ^_^
So, life is bonkers. Life is odd. Life doesn’t take our plans into consideration – but … life is SO beautiful. And I’m so glad for the compassion my mum has, the job I have, the home I have, the things I see in rocks … the woman in my son’s life that isn’t me. I’m so grateful for forgetting to shop – because, the material side of Christmas is so … material. But, as I said, I’ll be doing it.
I’m grateful for my friends.
I’m grateful for all of you that take time to read this – and those who have told me I make a difference. And those who have encouraged me NOT to edit.
Just know, sometimes, it IS selfish to post something when others are hurting.
And I won’t forget that lesson.
xxxxxxxxxx Love you all.
Nesting, the Pope and hamster bites
Me: Do you want our room to be ‘Nerdvana’ and our living room to be ‘Nirvana’ or the other way around?
Him: What?
Me: I mean, do you want our bedroom to be tranquil and our living room to represent our fandom?
Yeah. I was wide awake now. After laundry, I got a ‘nesting’ thing going on. And yeah, discovered I was sick.
Didn’t matter.
Woke Nic up to take his meds, and dug in.
I had energy from God knows where and I was up for it!
We have cleaned things and moved things and adjusted things that haven’t even been LOOKED at in months.
I was determined to have a strange and new clean place to wake up to tomorrow, after spending tonight behind the lens on the tripod. SO excited about the moon.
Had the Pope on the whole time, and let tears run as I acknowledged what an authentic person he is.
Then came mass. And I realized why I am NOT a Catholic. No offense. But I think even God would be like, “Ok, this is running a bit long, there are people out there we could be helping.”
Just me.
In my not so humble opinion.
I, the anti-organized religious chick, is SO in love with the pope.
Back to the other weird stuff I love.
So, now the living room is nerdville. And trust me when I say, this is a FRACTION of the shite we have. And when I say ‘shite’ I mean, stuff we care A LOT about.
So bedroom turned into this:
There is so little to do with what we have. BUT! What we have is so appreciated. We are all grateful for the roof, the food, the family … But will my home grace the cover of ‘Home and Garden’. LMAO! Nah.
Doesn’t matter.
What matters is family. And I’ve spent time with not only my honey, but my son throughout the day. Then I tried the animals.
I brought Nic’s hamster out of the cage – and while I do not want to pat myself on the back (OH! I SO totally DO!) when she bit me – not once, not twice, but 5 *&%$ing times – I didn’t flinch. I didn’t want to hurt her teeth!
I certainly didn’t want to fling her across the room, and trust me, that was HARD! Kept calm, placed her back into her cage after she ‘released’ and then tended to my wounds.
Pope is still on TV. I’m still loving him. Tripod is ready for the night – and I’m SO grateful. For everything. For everyone. And thank you to the Pope for being an amazing REAL person who blessed us with his visit. I teared up more watching him than anytime in my past. He gives me hope for religion. #THEREISSUCHGOOD
T.G.I.F!
Today was bonkers – in a good way. If it’s bonkers, it means we’re busy at work. Which is always a very good thing in real estate.
But after staring at my computer screen, with my only break being cleaning the bathroom and collecting the trash – which, was a reprieve, I was done by 3:30 mentally, and completely grumpy – which, I owned.
At one point, one of the owners who was playing music asked “Everyone ok with this?” I’ll be honest. I always am. And, side note, I love everyone I work with – but to me, it was elevator music, and with my grumpy, I quipped without thinking, “I’m just waiting for the Macy’s girl to spritz me with perfume.” Which, got a laugh. And that was nice.
Car is still out of commission – it needs a new PCM. *sigh* $$$
Won’t be ready until middle-to-end of next week.
New PCM is coming from New Hampshire.
Then they have to ‘flash’ it. Poor PCM. I hope it isn’t traumatized.
The great thing is, my son has totally stepped up and taken me to work and picked me up. Reminded me of taking him to school, and that very rare one on one opportunity to just ‘hang’. We chatted, listened to the only music I introduced him to that he loves, Dave Matthews Band – and spent time together. I have cherished this. I have missed my kid. Yeah, my 20-year-old kid, but he’s mine none the less. I HAVE missed him.
So, maybe everything DOES happen for a reason.
Maybe we needed brief, quality time together.
So today, I had to find a ride home. First, it was “get off early, borrow my car and go grocery shopping.” Then I decided it has been a freaking long week and I would rather do anything less exhausting than going anywhere!
So, the men went shopping.
(Nic had to work and could not pick me up.)
This is NOT an accurate portrayal of how my men shop. I go to the store site, download coupons, and …. well, here.
My response:
So, I didn’t get that stuff, but our fridge holds sustainable items.
That’s all I care about.
I’m so into ‘enough’.
Enough.
Having what we need, not what we want.
Sometimes, you really don’t need what you want.
But, as thunder sounds around us, in surround sound – I’m feeling very appreciative of the desert. Hoping my car isn’t scared. (Yeah, I’m still into inanimate objects having feelings – she’s deserted! Wait – deserted in the desert … poetic)
Butters is curled around Jim’s feet, probably dreaming of the mini-lake that happens when it floods. She has such fun!
This was her last ‘pond’ in our yard:
Did I care that she was wet? Did I care that she brought mud in? Nope. She had a blast!
So … the week is over – and I’m hanging out with the man I love, who, by the way, made it through at the TOP of the survivor type blog. Thank you all who voted.
Get ready for next week.
And I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
And Nic, thanks for taking me back to when we hung out and thank you for helping me get to work. And Jim, thank you for shopping today so I didn’t have to. Love you both So much!
Debauchery Soup 