A special Tuesday update for you – where I’ll share my blonde moment, my home inspection, my imminent matricide, my Cantina rock and my current non-merriness.
I rent. Today was my annual home inspection. I was to leave work @ noonish, herd Butters in order for the inspector to go about her work and then return to mine.
First things first, I removed a piece I wrote about my Nannie as it hurt a couple of people – but, it is fair to say I’m hurting too and needed an outlet. She’s currently in hospital and my mum is with her. Other than that being 90% of what I’m thinking about lately, comes the selfish: “I don’t have MY mum for Christmas” and “I don’t feel merry this Christmas.”
I called my dad tonight to tell him if he’s still in the country I would come over Christmas and cook dinner there.
“There’s nothing under the tree.” He said.
“That doesn’t matter. Mum would want this and we’re family.” I said.
He’s happy just grabbing a Christmas pizza, but I know for a fact my mum wants her pets and husband to have a family Christmas.
It’s all just creeping up in running shoes though.
Today I spoke to a work vendor who told me she was taking next week off.
“Oh! That’s nice!” I said.
“Yes,” she went on to say, “Christmas week off.”
Wait – WHAT?
Next week is Christmas week?!!
I have SO much to do – and everyday is filled with such uncertainty (as most days are I suppose.)
But trying to figure out who is going to be where and how to make the ones I love not feel so lonely on Christmas is driving me up a wall.
(Yeah, my first world problems again eh? Not knowing if we’ll be together – yet, I still have them. I have no room to complain.)
I DO have to go shopping. I DO have to get presents and put them under our tiny tree, and also my parents tree.
I love giving. Only wish I could give more. Feel useless here while my mum is living “Groundhogs Day” Get up. Go to hospital. Go to where she’s staying. Do it all over again.
SO! There’s that. All of that is just to make another point too – I certainly don’t feel with ANY spare time like making my ugly little vintage single wide into a castle for an inspector. So I hadn’t scrubbed every window cill or re-grouted anything. I honestly thought? “F*&% it, I’m one of the best tenants they have and this old thing is clean all the time. Take me or leave me.”
Let’s lighten it up a bit eh?
This morning – I was leaving for work and noticed it was 32 degrees outside. I actually noticed this BEFORE I decided “Oh my, my windshield is a tad dirty – I should wash it off.” And proceeded to spray and wipe.
I’m driving as I did this. And – hey, presto! I made ice! All by myself. And then felt foolish as other neighbors were pulling out of their driveways seeing my ice-pop of a windshield. And probably thinking, “How did we survive that ice storm?” *Sigh*
Onto the inspection. It went well. The lady has been the same one checking my cell (oops!) home for 5 years. She commented on Butters gaining weight – remembered the first inspection when Nic was making food in the kitchen (as he was today) and also told me (as Jim was still on the inspection card) “Oh honey, you’re so BEAUTIFUL, I can’t believe he would go.”
Insert lemon and salt here – because at the time, she was photographing my bathroom – yeah, that’s always fun, the intrusive photos – (I made sure this morning that my undies were not on the top of the laundry basket!) and I still have a photo of Jim and I on a shelf.
No, I’m not holding out hope of reuniting at this point, but I will always love him and the photo makes me happy.
But there’s that too. I miss him. This is a holiday where just – um – ‘suck!’ is happening. You can’t blame me for not sparking up the mini-tree at night.
Let’s skip straight to the ‘murder plan’. I’m back at work, and get an instant message from Nic:
Please know, I was only asking “For?” Because I wasn’t sure if he was just visiting – or spending the night – do I lock the door? Turn out the front porch light?
No, I’m really that nosey when it comes to Nic anymore.
Had an amazing weekend with him and his beautiful, wonderful, smart girlfriend … AND got to see Nic make her breakfast! Chocolate chip waffles and eggs (remember, this is the ‘kid’ I was terrified would outgrow me and how could I POSSIBLY live? lol)
One thing I AM excited about, especially with the few words I’m allowing myself to see about it – is Star Wars! I am avoiding ALL spoilers. Saturday I will be a quivering mess of nostalgia and excitement and at 10:30 my time, be sitting in a movie theater ready to have my mind blown by J.J. Abrams.
Back to the rock.
Here it is:
I instantly saw a certain Cantina band member in it. ^_^
So, life is bonkers. Life is odd. Life doesn’t take our plans into consideration – but … life is SO beautiful. And I’m so glad for the compassion my mum has, the job I have, the home I have, the things I see in rocks … the woman in my son’s life that isn’t me. I’m so grateful for forgetting to shop – because, the material side of Christmas is so … material. But, as I said, I’ll be doing it.
I’m grateful for my friends.
I’m grateful for all of you that take time to read this – and those who have told me I make a difference. And those who have encouraged me NOT to edit.
Just know, sometimes, it IS selfish to post something when others are hurting.
And I won’t forget that lesson.
xxxxxxxxxx Love you all.
In the news was a story about a missing 10-year-old girl. The news now tells us that a seventeen year old boy has been arrested in connection to the abduction and murder of that little girl.
The teens mother called the police and he turned himself in. I know in my head and my soul that was the right thing for her to do, but for the life of me – can not imagine or begin to fathom her pain!
It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by W.H. Auden
“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table”.
I then think of the definition of evil. Profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity, esp. when regarded as a supernatural force.
Are people who commit murder evil? Or are they ill? I’m not talking about self-defense, I’m talking about taking someones life intentionally for no apparent justifiable reason.
Each one of us is capable of murder. But we’re wired to NOT.
So what is happening when there’s nothing in your head, heart or soul that shouts “NO!” And what must it be like to go through life that way?
I’m not excusing, justifying or siding with murderers, please don’t get me wrong!
But I struggle with this. If someone is born without the ability to understand right from wrong, void of the ability to empathize or sympathize and is capable of taking someones life – aren’t they too victims? Wired differently – from birth.
It boggles my mind.
When I’m in public, especially a large chain store – I wonder who just smiled at me, who just brushed past me. I passively interact with hundreds of people, and among them, statistics dictate there MUST be a sampling of child molesters, rapists, murderers … that man who held the door open for me, does he go home and beat his wife?
I drive to work and see children waiting at various bus stops to go to school and wonder which ones didn’t sleep well the night before due to abuse in the house.
Bullies. Well, of course I hated them as a child. But I know now they’re projecting their own pain onto others.
There’s just so much more than meets the eye. Definitely a topic I probably shouldn’t dwell too much on. But I am fascinated by human behavior.
What courage it took for that mother to turn her son in. I don’t know if I could have done that. I think a part of me would be in such denial – my first instinct would probably be to want to grab my ‘baby’ and run! Run away with him and try to make him well!
She did the right thing.
My heart aches for that little 10-year-old girl and her family.
My heart aches for the confessed murders family.
But is it wrong that my heart also aches for that 17-year-old who can never undo the life changing horror he committed?