Musings from the Laundromat: Brave bras, pink panties and a safe heart
There are three bras slung over the rail of a laundry cart … just out there for all to see. And no one is looking at them. Untrue, I can’t stop looking at them. I keep glancing up.
Here I am, the one who turns 50 shades of red when I drop a pair of panties on the ground whilst removing my dry load from the depths of an industrial dryer, gawking at the sheer bravery of these bras.
And I’m reminded … not everyone is interested in looking at your stuff.
I’m at a strange table again. And painfully aware that there are people behind me.
I hate having my back to people.
Anxiety girl!
I just glanced and saw a free table in the back … I’m moving!
AH! Much better.
When I walked in Of Monsters and Mens’ Little Talks was playing on the radio – and I smiled.
While driving here – Take me to Church was on in my car.
Like most everything else, I read too much into music. Today was no different, but in a good way. Felt like two good omens.
I wonder do we block out the songs that aren’t relevant to our current state of mind? Do our little ears perk up when one comes on that fits the soundtrack of our lives?
I’m sure there’s a very scientific explanation. Probably much like the phenomenon of hearing a new word for the first time, and then hearing it multiple times that day. Or getting a new car, and noticing the same car everywhere you go.
In tune to something you never paid much attention to before.
I’m in tune to lots of things about myself that I didn’t pay much attention to before. Feeling things I haven’t felt before. Cringing at some of my cat lady posts and all my ‘no one will ever complete me’ exclamations.
I feel like I found that last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. The piece that would make my beautiful little life a complete picture.
And I’m so hopeful. And very, very fortunate to have found someone who will temper my anxiety with a laid back attitude and a funny and creative view of things.
I’m also very, very fortunate to have found someone who will be so good for my such loved son.
An example of so many things. Patience. Persistency. Humor. Self acceptance. And love.
I’m the luckiest girl on the planet right now as far as I’m concerned.
My heart feels Home. And Safe. And, I just dropped a pair of pink panties from the washer onto the ground and only turned 25 shades of red.
See – progress!
10:15 … nah, it’s 4:30
I am bananas over my guy. And stayed up because he was worried about his best friends dog.
I had this song hit me – and thought about my very best friend.
The good times. The young times. The innocence and the not so innocent times.
And him.
Back in the college days, Lisa and I would get ready and go out.
Here we are through the years:
We always had such fun. Not only did we have music we swooned to, but she had TONS of clothes, and she would rock them with her pixie hair cut and I felt so … less than, and always loved her. We have memories of Nine Inch Nails … before you knew them. lol. And always will. I have a top she loaned me, that I still have. It’s too big on me now.
It’s weird isn’t it?
How we grow and who stays and who doesn’t? And when it comes to girlfriends, most of them stay.
But my best ‘boy’ friend back then … stayed. For the most part.
Life took him in a crazy direction – but I found him.
It’s very odd that the guy I didn’t realize meant so much, would end up being my ever after.
I find it more strange, that my son turned out to be just the epitome of him.
A marvel comic fan. A Dungeons and Dragons player – someone who marches to the beat of his own drum, and never has cared that anyone was in tune with him – while all along, he had a musical ability.
It’s crazy to me – that after 25 years, after clubs and ditching college classes and being my sons age – I should discover that the one I loved all along without knowing it, would be the one I loved.
I wrote to my sons girlfriend tonight. I told her I was sorry.
That I had forgotten what it was like to be 20. How important those feelings that I so easily discounted in my 40’s were back then.
They were important.
And real.
And if they mattered enough – they stuck in the 40’s … and still emerged butterflies.
Bumble bees and gas station burgers
It’s been a crazy week.
To say I’m glad it’s Friday is an understatement.
Being sick does not suit me. Hate it. Not that anyone LOVES being sick …. wait, no there are those who do. I’m not one of them.
So yesterday, I literally got dressed in the dark. (Good news is, today I got light bulbs on my lunch break – and after standing on three chairs in three different rooms, I am now ‘illuminated’)
I wore a pale yellow sweater, black skirt and black boots.
Saw my reflection in the office door as I was approaching it and thought “Crap. I look like a bumble bee.”
Not that I cared too much – I was saving all my energy to just get through the day – no time for vanity or caring about looking like an insect.
I had entirely too many clothes on by the way. Under my skirt were leggings – and under my sweater, a white tank top.
Felt like I was getting undressed every time I had to answer natures call.
Keep in mind – I was still fuzzy –and tired …
Next big event was me dressing after having answered natures call, and walking out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked into my leggings.
*sigh*
Classic.
Better than into my underwear I suppose (like above) –and it helped that no one else was in the office at the time.
Later I was hungry.
I hadn’t really been hungry for days. Because of this, I hadn’t packed a lunch.
I trotted (probably ‘trotted’ is a tad too energetic of a word) … alright, I shuffled over to the gas station and got a hot dog.
Then my stomach said “You don’t just want the hot dog! You’re hungrier than that!! Get more food!”
So I got the dreaded gas station cheeseburger.
About half an hour later, I went paler than I normally am … said ‘uh oh’ and then DID trot, okay, galloped to the rear of the building and said good-bye to my lunch.
Which became the news of the day.
Agents that came in were advised “Yeah, Amanda puked in your trash can” and me retorting “I did not! I made it to the bathroom!”
Good times.
I couldn’t have been happier to see 5 O’Clock. I took my bumble bee self home. Fell asleep on the couch fully dressed, bumble bee outfit and boots and all.
When I finally did get to bed – I fell hard!
Deep deep sleep until almost midnight. There was a disturbance in the force.
It was a good one though.
I awoke in time to see an IM that made me very happy.
I replied and went back to sleep.
This morning … I looked at the clock to see I had slept in by an hour and a half. I pretty much had 11 hours of sleep.
Jumped out of bed – grabbed my toothbrush, let the dog out. Filled her bowl with kibble. Dressed (mindful of insect imitations) and left a confused dog and a sick son and hit the road.
I’m never late.
Never.
And today was no exception.
I am SO ready for more sleep.
But! I’m skyping with the man I love and know I can sleep in tomorrow.
My Favorite Day
This is it. January 14th, 2015.
Who has had to wonder?
If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”
Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.
Today is my best day ever.
Let’s start with the shocking announcement.
So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day for a game I like to play at night. All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.
I got a ‘ding!’
It was a Facebook announcement.
A life event even.
I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep. I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.
You need to know this.
So … I have been editing myself lately.
Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.
James D. Foster. Remember him? Look up Drawing the Invisible.
This guy was one of my best friends in the college days. And, had a crush on me.
And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.
He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.
I loved him from day one.
I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.
I did not know.
We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote. He illustrated. He is a fucking AMAZING artist.
One very horrible night – he was beside me. And wrote poems. He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.
Then we lost touch.
This was the 80’s.
I NEVER stopped thinking about him. Not ever. Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER. I searched for him because …
Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?
Yeah.
STUPID!
Us then
us then again
But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him. But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!
Fast forward.
I found him.
Through an Ex.
He was friends with him.
US now:
(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)
(FYI: The pic? I have the Iron Man ring on. I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)
Proof:
When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.
I didn’t expect more than that. I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life. And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time. My friend? He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.
Timing – definitely off.
Long story short.
Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer. And my friend honestly loves his best friend.
Which, I admire. I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me. Right?
But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.
Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.
He gets that I have no filter.
He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.
He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!
I was sent home today, by my work family. Because I am seriously pretty sick. Seriously under the weather. And I love them for that.
So I also got to see Nic. He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.
He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.
That natural 20? Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)
I was so happy.
We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)
I was happy anyway, let’s face it. But having my son onboard? C’mon.
I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked. We pulled off the quality time.
So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.
My mom.
The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!
Bottom line.
Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.
Today … is my favorite day.
And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.
And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it. See … dreams DO come true. x
Flu, inspiration and natural 20’s
Chills, ear ache, headache, leg cramps, ok – let’s just say, everything from my hair to my toe nails ached.
My co-workers were refusing to use my phone by mid-day yesterday.
Thought I might just die, but plowed through like a champ and got things accomplished that I’m actually proud of.
I was so inspired by what I had learned and put into action that I told my son today, “It’s been a crazy two days at work, but I did it. And you are smarter than me. So wanted you to know, you can do the ‘thing’ – whatever ‘the thing’ is.”
We argued about who was smarter – then I ended that argument with “Ok, I’m more experienced, but you have natural talents I don’t.”
He did not disagree. LOL!
He just left to play D & D – and asked me to tell someone he was getting married – apparently he ‘rolled a natural 20’. (Whatever that means.)
I passed on the message and went on a little tangent.
I’ve decided I’ve never been heartbroken – and I’m betting a lot of people who think they have … haven’t.
I’ve been what I’m coining ‘hopebroken’.
Investing faith and time and large portions of my life in people I believed in.
People who gave me butterflies – that turned out to be moths.
My heart is not broken.
It’s completely capable of loving.
And the great thing is – my hope is never completely broken either.
I bounce back.
I have too much faith in ‘good’ to just chuck away the ‘hope’ card.
And I am hopeful.
And I am smiling.
Because I have something to smile about – I have a LOT of things to smile about.
And I’ll admit it – I’m such a nerd, I hope to hear one day “I rolled a natural 20”. And I’ll know what that means now, and I’ll smile.
_________________
After I finished this post, I was informed a natural 20 doesn’t mean getting married – and I googled a bit … then got fuzzy again.
Look at the confusion! Then I got more info. After IM’ing my son, he said the 20 was: “Lol it was to get out of getting punched in the face.”
Sigh.
That boy needs to use commas in his oral presentations!
I still like the thought behind it. So I’m leavin’ it. lol
Debauchery Soup 