Category Archives: Humor
Awake and not naked
Why am I up so early after a restless night? And why am I not naked??
I should clarify, those two thoughts are independent of one another.
I awoke at 1 am having had the strangest dream. It was of an ex of mine. I got up, blurry eyed and off-balance and let the dog out.
Noticed some lightning and thought ‘I’m partially awake, I’ll sit outside and watch nature put on a little show while I wait for the dog.’ So I did.
It’s not uncommon, (she says trying to keep a straight face because it’s ALWAYS) that I’ll have a few tangent thoughts when sitting quietly. (Or while talking to someone, or while working, or while doing the dishes, or while reading.)
I thought about the ex. He’s happily married with children. Most of them are. That pleases me.
I wondered then, am I cursed?? Or, do I have super powers?
When I break up with someone, they end up shortly afterwards finding someone they marry and/or procreate with.
Before I went back to sleep, I considered the possibilities. I should use these powers for good! I could be a professional girlfriend, (wait … isn’t that already a profession?) then break up with that person and TA DA! They could find their ‘happily-ever-after-mate.’
Interesting. Very interesting.
I would have a collection of ‘thank you’ notes in my portfolio along with wedding photos. Eharmony, move over!
The irony is my name, Amanda, means, ‘Worthy of being loved.
Now, onto the naked.
It’s Summer in the desert. It is hot. Even in the middle of the night my air conditioner kicks on with its gentle ‘THUD’.
I sleep in boxers and a tank top …
WHY AM I NOT NAKED??
Nic is in England!
When he is not in England, the reason for my clothed body is that we have a pretty open door policy around here. Only time I shut my door is when I’m going from towel to getting dressed.
There have been plenty of times I’ve gone to bed (or am trying to pee) and my door bangs open and it’s Nic wanting to show me something or tell me something. Since I don’t want him scarred for life, I’ve covered up since he was old enough to be traumatized by seeing his mother naked.
But he isn’t here! And I don’t think the dog cares one way or another … so I’ll put ‘sleep naked you idiot, it’s hot in here!’ on my list of things to do.
I’ll now show that I am capable of tying thoughts together and not just veering from topic to topic, by actually joining the subjects of love and Nic being gone – together.
Can I get a volunteer from the audience?
Nic has been gone for four days now. 4. And the status update I wake to see is “Cheers from England.” AND, he ‘saw’ my instant message but didn’t respond to it!
Guys, do you not realize how much we females read into your unresponsiveness to interaction??
We think about you all the time! We multi-task and can even think about you while running the house, the errands or the world.
Here’s some insight into the female mind. If you haven’t emailed us back, called us back or messaged us, (and it doesn’t matter if you’re a son or a love interest,) we assume the worst. You are either dead or you don’t love us anymore.
And if you don’t email or message or call us for an extended period of time, you had better be dead.
I jest. We love you. We just need to be reassured that you are alive and thinking of us when you’re not with us.
There! I did it! And no tangents!
Oh ….
Day 1 sans Nic: Tired!
Did NOT sleep well last night.
Partly due to the excitement of the day – partly due to the Plane Stalker Tracker website that I kept refreshing into the wee hours of the morning.
I watched a little picture of the plane my son was on traverse across the States and noted the altitude, speed and duration of his flight.
When I did sleep, my dreams were riddled with nightmares. Robberies, guns … probably due to the fact that there were several noises during the night that woke me and Butters up.
I have to admit, when she barked in the night, I startled. I usually don’t startle.
I am the one that checks out the ‘bumps in the night’. I’ll just walk right outside stupidly bravely and see what the hell is going on.
I guess subconsciously, knowing no one is home to report my murder got to me.
Let’s face it – the dog is useless. For all her barking at everything that passes the house (cars, cats, rabbits, lizards, bicyclists, joggers, ants …) she has no bite.
Do I really expect THIS to be my guard dog?
I also kept swiping at my ipad during my waking moments as I now have two men that I adore (and was hoping to hear from), on a continent and time zone that is not mine.
SO!
This morning I faked ‘awake’ as best as I could and caught up on the work I missed yesterday.
Then spoke with my friend in the UK who was going to see my son and mom. l told him, “I want proof of life!” I begged for a picture – and I got one.
Here’s Nic in England proudly wearing an England Football shirt given to him by my friend Rory. (He’s the one in the photo that doesn’t look like he was just on a 10 hour plane ride.)
I was content then. My ‘baby’ was safe.
I delved back into work.
Then it happened.
For the first time ever.
During a thrilling power point presentation on the Home Equity Conversion Mortgage process. I nodded off.
Upright, in my chair.
I startled awake and finished the presentation.
My boss: “You struggling over there?”
Me: “Yeah … oh my god, is it only 3 o’clock??”
My boss: “Yup.”
I decided the only thing to do was to stumble over to the gas station across the street and get some coffee.
And a hot dog.
Because I’m still comfort eating. Besides, I planned to immediately become intimate with the couch when I got home, and knew I wouldn’t have dinner.
I make great excuses for eating crap.
There was a little post-it note on my calendar in my bosses handwriting that he ninja-like managed to sneak there without me noticing.
“That isn’t just coffee”
I was a little punchy after my nap, so I just eye balled him as I bit into my hot dog.
Home now.
And the couch is waiting.
So the word for day one is: TIRED!
I haven’t reached ‘lonely’ status yet – so the dog is safe from conversation and pestering.
But I’m sure when I do, it will go like this:
‘Comfort Eating’ and a new fan
Comfort eating … I wanted to say I’ve been doing it since Monday – then I remembered the Calamari post. <– click here. Oops.
I am currently completely, totally nauseated.
FIRST TANGENT: It drives me bonkers when people say “I feel nauseous.” It may have been so misused that Websters just gave up and decided to make its original meaning null and void, but back in the day – Nauseous meant you made OTHERS sick – to feel nauseated meant YOU felt sick. Okay. We clear now?
I’ve been indulging in chocolate covered almonds at work – oh, and trail mix. And not in the ‘healthy’ trail mix way.
It’s ridiculous. It all started with a weekend of pampering courtesy of my mom (oh gawd, this has been going on a WEEK!)
We enjoyed a pedicure together and then Sushi.
We eat a LOT of sushi. This time, we were smart though. “Remember, we never eat it all – and it’s too hot to leave in the car to do anything else.” I said.
So we just ate a lot more there. LOL!
I ended up carting the take away box containing a much smaller amount of ‘left overs’ than I thought there would be into Wal-Mart and Bed Bath and Beyond.
SECOND TANGENT: Wandered over to the fan section to sign some 8 x 10 glossys and pose for a few pics to see if there was one in my budget for my son’s room. Found an awesome one! Then I looked at the price tag and walked away. More about ‘the fan’ later.
So weekend is over. I’ll be honest with you. Brutally truthful. I lost weight on purpose, took me a while – but I was very pleased with the results. I am about 5’9, 5’10 and weigh between 125-130 pounds depending on the day. I get called ‘skinny’ a lot. Which, is a little mean – I wouldn’t announce to someone they were ‘fat’. Besides, I’m not grossly underweight – I’m just not overweight. I’m ‘thin’. I eat – believe me. And NO I don’t ‘return’ it. Ew.
I have my days I’ll eat whatever I want, then I’m sensible the rest of the week … or at least 5 days of the week anyway.
Not this week.
Nope.
Tuesday is meeting day in the office next door – and I have an all access pass to their kitchen. It’s not what you know people, it’s who you know. LOL!
This was their spread Tuesday:
The rest of the week is sort of a blur. I was in a bit of a food coma. I brought lunch everyday, and then somehow – was provided a meal as well. One day I had just finished the Italian sausage pasta I made over the weekend – when my boss walked in with this:
It’s poor manners to say ‘no thank you’ to your boss, especially when there are French fries involved. Then it’s very bad manners. And OH MY GAWD … it’s In N Out burger – who turns down In N Out??
That same day, (actually, WHILE I was eating my fries – because you can’t let them get cold) I was helping a man at my desk. Wasn’t exactly related to my job, but he was a friend of the loan officer. I had helped him and chatted to him a while back , and the day before and now I was faxing Last Wills and Testaments for him and what-not.
We spoke a lot. He asked me where I lived – I got a little nervous. I don’t like personal questions from strangers … candy I’ll take, and yes, I’ll help them find their puppy, but I’m uncomfortable answering personal questions.
Turns out he was only asking because he wanted to compare electric bills. We agreed they did seem to be a lot higher than last year. This man just had major surgery on his heart and so I went the extra mile. Told him about ‘the fan’. Remember? The one I was looking at in Bed Bath and Beyond whilst holding a to-go container of sushi.
I told him, it’s an ‘air circulator’ and it’s suppose to cut your electric bill down. It disperses the cool air into every corner of your room. I told him what I had found out about it while I researched whether or not I should spend the money on it. Thought it might help him.
This is ‘The fan’.
He left. I finished my box ‘o food. (Followed by a sudden craving for gummy sharks – which was followed by a walk over to the gas station and purchase of said gummy sharks – then I proceeded to consume all but FOUR of the damn gummy sharks.)
I’m feeling NAUSEATED and the door opens.
It is the man I was helping earlier.
Holding ‘the fan’.
Now – if you have read many of my posts, (there are over 200, who knows) you’ll know that I have the HARDEST time accepting help/money/gifts from other people.
So I’m preparing my ‘Oh, thank you you’re so sweet – but I couldn’t possibly‘ speech. When he disarmed me with his own words. In a nutshell, he said that he didn’t have many people to speak to. That I had been very kind to him – and that he could tell what sort of character I had. He bought himself one and he wanted me to have one.
What do you SAY to that??
“You’re welcome – and um, no. Take it back!” I’m trying to learn to be gracious and LET people feel the same way I do when I give someone a gift (or when I could give a gift anyway.)
So I have a new fan. And I’ve gained 4 pounds. Not just from food – but from that simple act of accepting something from someone that’s weighing on me.
Think I need one of these …
Calamari, packing badly and being shifty at the imaginary bakery
I’m comfort eating. Calamari to be exact – and fries and some delicious chili sauce thing that reminds me of a savory marmalade.
Calamari took my mind on a little walk and they shared a memory about the first time Amanda had calamari – it was in Italy.
Gawd.
I used to actually DO things you know? I have done and experienced AMAZING things! Seriously! From almost being sold in Afghanistan to staying up for days and days surrounded by crazy ravers.
I still DO things. I have a busy life. I just make it look easier than it is because I make time for things and people who are important to me.
In my ‘spare time’, I play this stupid game that I can never logistically win – and even if I did – it’s a virtual flipping game – not like I’m going to improve my life or bank account by playing it.
Anyway, I got the following compliment last night. (Which did NOT creep me out like the ‘are you single’ question from some guy playing in the same room as me last week. Ew.)
I don’t think I look anything like Jennifer Anniston – but hey, she was married to Brad Pitt, so I’ll take it. (Although, never have been attracted to Brad Pitt – he’s too ‘pretty’ for my tastes, so why in the world did I just say that? Food stupor.) I usually get Gwyneth Paltrow .. (who also dated Brad Pitt … what the heck?? Maybe I just look like someone who would get dumped by Brad Pitt? Hmmm ….) What do you think?
Tangent. Did you enjoy that?
So, I’m comfort eating and remembering a comment my dad made YEARS ago. I was feeling sorry for some homeless people in an awful part of town. He made the point, “Um, they are homeless … they can be ‘homeless’ ANYWHERE.” That made an odd sort of sense to me. Why not be homeless somewhere with comfortable weather and lots of people spending far too much on food and tossing it after just one bite? If I was homeless, my thumb would be out for a ride to anywhere but here, that’s for sure.
Feel like a kid lately who just wants to ‘go’. I want to run away. LOL! Pack like, 10 pairs of mismatching socks, no pants, toys, only 1 pair of underwear and forget to pack tops and my toothbrush. You know, like we did as kids when we were in a hurry to escape. You’d open your suitcase, or whatever container you grabbed at time of packing, and realize ‘wow, I can really do nothing with any of this.’
But seriously. I have this sudden urge to just ‘bail’. Get out of dodge. Run away.
I could start anew in a tiny idyllic village. Maybe even under an assumed name? I’d rarely be seen out … slip in and out of the bakery and butchers – with dark glasses. Looking very dangerous and shifty in a trench coat. Okay, maybe not so dangerous – probably more like an idiot in a trench coat, dark glasses and eclairs in hand from the bakery I just slipped out of.
But, probably I should just address whatever is making me want to run away in the first place. Because, no matter where I run to – I’ll still be there. LOL
Musings from the laundromat – dull moments edition
A friend said this morning, in response to my Facebook status: “Never a dull moment in Amandaville’ which, made me think … because I see my ‘Ville’ as quite dull. Dull as dishwater most days. But, simple things in my life turn out bonkers.
Took me two trips to get here today. The first had me at the pharmacy, trying to purchase ‘Unstopables’ for the laundry and finding that my debit card was not in my wallet. No, the irony was not lost on me.
I was stopped. I did the sheepish “I’ll be back, it’s at home” thing and received the ‘yeah right, you’re not coming back’ doubtful look.
Well I DID come back.
Debit card was at home on the dining room table after going with my son to Taco Bell last night.
SO! The status …
Names and faces have been blurred to protect the innocent. Okay, they’re not that innocent, but I shall protect them anyway – I look after people I care about. Even when they’re suggesting such naughty things.
But, I am also true to my word when it comes to threats 😉 So take that guys.
The shower … I’m pretty sure that if you peered into my ear and past what is left of my eardrum, you’d find the right hand side of my brain is pretty clean. As is the bathroom ceiling, inbetween the protective shower curtain lining and the non-waterproof ‘pretty’ curtain.
I’m hearing reports from home that apparently I didn’t get all the water – my son is stepping in puddles that I couldn’t find. As I pointed out to him, ‘Water is invisible’.
And when your ear is ringing from being shot with a heavy stream of water, it’s almost impossible to find. It is! Don’t try it – just trust me.
Debauchery Soup 