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Whorls in the wood and the stupid curtains

I was feeling a little melancholy.

I awoke with lots to do – but after a night of tossing and turning and dreaming of old love and new love – cats and snakes – I decided to ease gently into the day with coffee, breakfast  and a movie in bed.

The movie was ‘One Day’ a sweet romantic drama about a long-awaited love coming to fruition.  Their story took years – but having waited 17 months to be in my love’s arms – I related on an emotional level.

I was still in my pajamas – went outside to sip my coffeebefore the desert sun claimed that side of the house, and looked down at the deck.


I imagined myself in France or Italy, some small provincial town.  On a little patio, with coffee in hand – perhaps the aroma of  herbs and flowers drifting past me in a light breeze.

I imagined grass and gardens and quaint countryside.

I imagined going back inside and seeing my little home – a window seat next to piles of books.  Mismatched colorful pillows and copious amounts of fragrant candles, a tea kettle on the stove and a lazy cat sunning itself  on a comfortable chair.  Classical music filling every room as I padded bare foot with my coffee back to the bedroom.

I snapped back to reality when sirens sounded in the distance – had my usual ‘I hope no one is too badly hurt’ thought then returned to the whorls in the wood.

I could be sitting on any deck if I set my mind to it.  This was the thought I carried inside clutching my coffee – as I padded bare foot past my reality.

Herbs are present – in planters that take up the whole of my dining room table.  The rest of my home … well – it’s a rental and I think of it as a sufficient ‘shell’.

Nothing about it says ‘me’ except – inside, there has been so much love and so much laughter with my son.

This shell has seen me become humble and grateful.

Soon my love will be stepping through the very door I daydreamed through.

I’m anxious about the interior’s appearance.

My list of things to do consists of, once again, preparing the superficial to a degree of a satisfactory first impression.

An impossible task considering what i have to work with.

I hung new curtains in my bedroom and hated them.  I told him so.

His response:

“If you hate them, why do you use them?  OMG – ladies.   I will have you, not your curtains”

It made me laugh.

And of course he’s right.  And I’m wise enough to know the material things don’t matter, but I care about the shell being tidy and welcoming.

The curtains are lovely, but I refer to them as ‘the stupid curtains’ – mostly because they represent the silly need I feel to have objects make an impression.

As we skyped, and laughed today – while my very real dog barked from my comfortable sofa, I knew once we were looking at that deck – that whorl – together – nothing else would matter.

Especially not the stupid curtains.


Day 1 sans Nic: Tired!

Did NOT sleep well last night.

Partly due to the excitement of the day – partly due to the Plane Stalker Tracker website that I kept refreshing into the wee hours of the morning.


I watched a little picture of the plane my son was on traverse across the States and noted the altitude, speed and duration of his flight.

When I did sleep, my dreams were riddled with nightmares.  Robberies, guns … probably due to the fact that there were several noises during the night that woke me and Butters up.

I have to admit, when she barked in the night, I startled.  I usually don’t startle. 

I am the one that checks out the ‘bumps in the night’.  I’ll just walk right outside stupidly bravely and see what the hell is going on.

I guess subconsciously, knowing no one is home to report my murder got to me. 

Let’s face it – the dog is useless.  For all her barking at everything that passes the house (cars, cats, rabbits, lizards, bicyclists, joggers, ants …) she has no bite. 

Do I really expect THIS to be my guard dog?


I also kept swiping at my ipad during my waking moments as I now have two men that I adore (and was hoping to hear from), on a continent and time zone that is not mine.


This morning I faked ‘awake’ as best as I could and caught up on the work I missed yesterday. 

Then spoke with my friend in the UK who was going to see my son and mom.  l told him, “I want proof of life!”  I begged for a picture – and I got one. 

Here’s Nic in England proudly wearing an England Football shirt given to him by my friend Rory. (He’s the one in the photo that doesn’t look like he was just on a 10 hour plane ride.)


I was content then.  My ‘baby’ was safe. 

I delved back into work.

Then it happened.

For the first time ever.

During a thrilling power point presentation on the Home Equity Conversion Mortgage process.  I nodded off.

Upright, in my chair.


I startled awake and finished the presentation.

My boss:  “You struggling over there?”

Me: “Yeah … oh my god, is it only 3 o’clock??”

My boss: “Yup.”

I decided the only thing to do was to stumble over to the gas station across the street and get some coffee.

And a hot dog.

Because I’m still comfort eating.  Besides, I planned to immediately become intimate with the couch when I got home, and knew I wouldn’t have dinner. 

I make great excuses for eating crap. 

There was a little post-it note on my calendar in my bosses handwriting that he ninja-like managed to sneak there without me noticing.

“That isn’t just coffee”

I was a little punchy after my nap, so I just eye balled him as I bit into my hot dog.

Home now. 

And the couch is waiting. 

So the word for day one is: TIRED! 

I haven’t reached ‘lonely’ status yet – so the dog is safe from conversation and pestering. 

But I’m sure when I do, it will go like this: