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A Wider Shade of Pale

It’s no secret I’ve been what I called ‘comfort eating’, but what I’ve come to realize is that I eat when I’m bored.

I did not know this.

For the last 18 years, I haven’t really been bored.

Since my son has been in England, I’ve found myself with extra time on my hands – that translated into eating utensils in my hands.

I’ll get the annoying ‘thin person bitching about gaining weight’ part out of the way – because I’ve had a few eye rolls when I’ve mentioned the 8 pounds I gained.  I know that I am not overweight and can usually be seen roaming the office with various food items in my clutches.

But, I’m NOT overweight as a result of effort on my part!

I lost over 40 pounds on purpose – over time, sensibly.  (Alright, and it probably helped when I stopped drinking a thousand or so calories a day too.)

So those extra 8 pounds in (blush) two weeks bother me.

They especially bothered me the other night when I stripped down to put my pajamas on and it still looked like I had my underwear on.

The elastic left impressions where impressions haven’t been in a while.  I gain weight, it goes straight to my arse.  And stomach.  My little arms stay little – and my boobs.  Dammit.

Anyway, the private shame was soothed by some garlic cheese bread, so that was a relief.

This weekend was going to be the LAST of my eating debauchery.  (I love how I gave myself one more weekend though – very kind of me.)

Started out well on my way when my boss brought me a muffin from one of his restaurants.  Ok, I don’t know if ‘muffin’ is accurate.  It was more like an unfrosted chocolate cake.  But, for the sake of feeling okay about eating it before 9 am, we’ll call it ‘muffin’.

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Then I couldn’t possibly NOT eat my sandwich I’d made for lunch … or my sweet potato Triscuits.  Have you tried these things yet??  Try them.  Do it.

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Anyway, fast forward through the sandwich and the Triscuits – (which pretty much sums up how I consumed them funnily enough) something odd happened.  I was chatting to a friend and we made lunch plans for tomorrow.  AND I am excited about it because I get to see my friend and NOT because I will be in close proximity to food.

Who AM I??

I’m not only voluntarily leaving the house, but I’m doing it  to be sociable AND I’m not concerned about the food??

I think my feeding frenzy is over.  As suddenly as it began … the desire to feed seems to be over.

Nic returns at the end of the month, and I might just shed these ‘bored’ pounds before he arrives back on US soil.  He’ll not have to see me waddling around the house with residual ‘bored bloat’.   He’ll be spared that.

Which is a good thing – because I’m not buying larger underwear!

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Debauchery Soup (Okay, everything but soup)

This weekend was pure culinary debauchery.  I ate a ridiculous amount of food.

Somehow this was all that was left of 2 dozen fresh baked cookies (Cranberry white chocolate and chocolate chunk in case you’re wondering)

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Yeah, that would make 19 that I consumed yesterday.  I do not know how.  I just know that the proof is in the picture.  (I ate one this morning if you’re doing the math and not coming up with 19)

I also had a healthy baked potato for lunch.  Albeit, it was hidden under sour cream, cheese, red bell peppers, spring onions and Southwest chicken pieces.

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I did take time to play with the food a little before indulging.  These were my ‘left over veggie flower’ photos:

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It didn’t stop there.  I was still hungry after my potato.  So I tried for healthy:

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Then skipped to unhealthy and had two bowls of this fun cereal.  (Let me tell you, they do NOT skimp on the marshmallows!)

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This comfort eating has to stop.

And it has for now … as I noticed that between the time I brushed my teeth this morning, and approximately 1:00 pm, I had broken my front tooth!!

I don’t bite down on my front teeth – so I have no CLUE how I did it.  But done it is.

I feel like I look like this:

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But it really looks like this:

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See – the tooth above the ‘S’.

Ug!  So, back to the dentist tomorrow.

Anyway, back to food.

I’m known around the office for being thin, yet always eating.  So it was no surprise when a realtor came to me to ask about a plate of cookies that mysteriously appeared on her desk with an illegible thank-you card.

Surely she didn’t think I left them??  A) I would never leave cookies unattended and B) I would never part with cookies.

I’m leaving you a treat – it would be something wrapped and sealed so tight I couldn’t be tempted to get into it.

I was however, able to make a positive ID for her on what the hand that was holding said plate of cookies looked like.

Hey, if cookies are walking by the office, my radar goes off.  I could also confirm that the cookies were shaded by a hat on the head of unidentified cookie bearer and that the delivery occurred on Friday afternoon.

I’m so helpful.

If ever called to help police as a witness, their suspect better have been holding food.

Tonight, I fast.

It’s not going to be hard … as I brought a banana for breakfast – cheese, salad and turkey sandwich and tortilla chips for lunch, and then my boss announced he’d brought chili for us.  Score!

This is my actual stomach – and it is grateful.  But it had better not get used to such feeding frenzies.

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I’m done!

Wait … would you look at the dogs food!!! 

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‘Comfort Eating’ and a new fan

Comfort eating … I wanted to say I’ve been doing it since Monday – then I remembered the Calamari post. <– click here. Oops.

I am currently completely, totally nauseated. 

FIRST TANGENT: It drives me bonkers when people say “I feel nauseous.” It may have been so misused that Websters just gave up and decided to make its original meaning null and void, but back in the day – Nauseous meant you made OTHERS sick – to feel nauseated meant YOU felt sick.  Okay.  We clear now?

I’ve been indulging in chocolate covered almonds at work – oh, and trail mix.  And not in the ‘healthy’ trail mix way.

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It’s ridiculous.  It all started with a weekend of pampering courtesy of my mom (oh gawd, this has been going on a WEEK!)

We enjoyed a pedicure together and then Sushi.

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We eat a LOT of sushi.  This time, we were smart though.  “Remember, we never eat it all – and it’s too hot to leave in the car to do anything else.”  I said.

So we just ate a lot more there. LOL!

I ended up carting the take away box containing a much smaller amount of ‘left overs’ than I thought there would be into Wal-Mart and Bed Bath and Beyond. 

SECOND TANGENT:  Wandered over to the fan section to sign some 8 x 10 glossys and pose for a few pics to see if there was one in my budget for my son’s room.  Found an awesome one!  Then I looked at the price tag and walked away.  More about ‘the fan’ later.

So weekend is over.  I’ll be honest with you.  Brutally truthful.  I lost weight on purpose, took me a while – but I was very pleased with the results.  I am about 5’9, 5’10 and weigh between 125-130 pounds depending on the day.  I get called ‘skinny’ a lot.  Which, is a little mean – I wouldn’t announce to someone they were ‘fat’.  Besides, I’m not grossly underweight – I’m just not overweight.  I’m ‘thin’.  I eat – believe me.   And NO I don’t ‘return’ it.  Ew.

I have my days I’ll eat whatever I want, then I’m sensible the rest of the week … or at least 5 days of the week anyway.

Not this week.

Nope.

Tuesday is meeting day in the office next door – and I have an all access pass to their kitchen.  It’s not what you know people, it’s who you know. LOL!

This was their spread Tuesday:

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The rest of the week is sort of a blur.  I was in a bit of a food coma.  I brought lunch everyday, and then somehow – was provided a meal as well.  One day I had just finished the Italian sausage pasta I made over the weekend – when my boss walked in with this:

imageIt’s poor manners to say ‘no thank you’ to your boss, especially when there are French fries involved.  Then it’s very bad manners.  And OH MY GAWD … it’s In N Out burger – who turns down In N Out??

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That same day, (actually, WHILE I was eating my fries – because you can’t let them get cold)  I was helping a man at my desk.  Wasn’t exactly related to my job, but he was a friend of the loan officer.  I had helped him and chatted to him a while back , and the day before and now I was faxing Last Wills and Testaments for him and what-not.

We spoke a lot.  He asked me where I lived –  I got a little nervous.  I don’t like personal questions from strangers … candy I’ll take, and yes, I’ll help them find their puppy, but I’m uncomfortable answering personal questions.

Turns out he was only asking because he wanted to compare electric bills.  We agreed they did seem to be a lot higher than last year.  This man just had major surgery on his heart and so I went the extra mile.  Told him about ‘the fan’.  Remember?  The one I was looking at in Bed Bath and Beyond whilst holding a to-go container of sushi.

I told him, it’s an ‘air circulator’ and it’s suppose to cut your electric bill down.  It disperses the cool air into every corner of your room.  I told him what I had found out about it while I researched whether or not I should spend the money on it.  Thought it might help him.

This is ‘The fan’.

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He left.  I finished my box ‘o food.  (Followed by a sudden craving for gummy sharks – which was followed by a walk over to the gas station and purchase of said gummy sharks – then I proceeded to consume all but FOUR of the damn gummy sharks.)

I’m feeling NAUSEATED and the door opens.

It is the man I was helping earlier.

Holding ‘the fan’.

Now – if you have read many of my posts, (there are over 200, who knows) you’ll know that I have the HARDEST time accepting help/money/gifts from other people.

So I’m preparing my ‘Oh, thank you you’re so sweet – but I couldn’t possibly‘ speech.  When he disarmed me with his own words.  In a nutshell, he said that he didn’t have many people to speak to.  That I had been very kind to him – and that he could tell what sort of character I had.  He bought himself one and he wanted me to have one.

What do you SAY to that??

“You’re welcome – and um, no.  Take it back!”  I’m trying to learn to be gracious and LET people feel the same way I do when I give someone a gift (or when I could give a gift anyway.)

So I have a new fan.  And I’ve gained 4 pounds.  Not just from food – but from that simple act of accepting something from someone that’s weighing on me.

Think I need one of these …

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Calamari, packing badly and being shifty at the imaginary bakery

I’m comfort eating.  Calamari to be exact – and fries and some delicious chili sauce thing that reminds me of a savory marmalade.

Calamari took my mind on a little walk and they shared a memory about the first time Amanda had calamari – it was in Italy.

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Gawd.

I used to actually DO things you know?  I have done and experienced AMAZING things!  Seriously!   From almost being sold in Afghanistan to staying up for days and days surrounded by crazy ravers.

I still DO things.  I have a busy life.  I just make it look easier than it is because I make time for things and people who are important to me.

In my ‘spare time’, I play this stupid game that I can never logistically win – and even if I did – it’s a virtual flipping game – not like I’m going to improve my life or bank account by playing it.

Anyway, I got the following compliment last night.  (Which did NOT creep me out like the ‘are you single’ question from some guy playing in the same room as me last week. Ew.)

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I don’t think I look anything like Jennifer Anniston – but hey, she was married to Brad Pitt, so I’ll take it.  (Although, never have been attracted to Brad Pitt – he’s too ‘pretty’ for my tastes, so why in the world did I just say that? Food stupor.)  I usually get Gwyneth Paltrow .. (who also dated Brad Pitt … what the heck??  Maybe I just look like someone who would get dumped by Brad Pitt?  Hmmm ….) What do you think?

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Tangent.  Did you enjoy that?

So, I’m comfort eating and remembering a comment my dad made YEARS ago.  I was feeling sorry for some homeless people in an awful part of town.  He made the point, “Um, they are homeless … they can be ‘homeless’ ANYWHERE.”  That made an odd sort of sense to me.  Why not be homeless somewhere with comfortable weather and lots of people spending far too much on food and tossing it after just one bite?  If I was homeless, my thumb would be out for a ride to anywhere but here, that’s for sure.

Feel like a kid lately who just wants to ‘go’.  I want to run away. LOL!  Pack like, 10 pairs of mismatching socks, no pants, toys, only 1 pair of underwear and forget to pack tops and my toothbrush.  You know, like we did as kids when we were in a hurry to escape.  You’d open your suitcase, or whatever container you grabbed at time of packing, and realize ‘wow, I can really do nothing with any of this.’

But seriously.  I have this sudden urge to just ‘bail’.  Get out of dodge.  Run away.

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I could start anew in a tiny idyllic village.  Maybe even under an assumed name?  I’d rarely be seen out … slip in and out of the bakery and butchers – with dark glasses.  Looking very dangerous and shifty in a trench coat.  Okay, maybe not so dangerous – probably more like an idiot in a trench coat, dark glasses and eclairs in hand from the bakery I just slipped out of.

But, probably I should just address whatever is making me want to run away in the first place.  Because, no matter where I run to – I’ll still be there. LOL