Category Archives: Humor
‘Twas 2 Nights Before Christmas
There is a lot of stirring in the house …
My son is taking apart his Xbox controller – he started out with confidence then I heard from my bedroom him asking google “How to take apart an Xbox controller.” Which sent me into a fit of laughter, followed by a snarky retort from the other room.
I received some chocolate from my boss today … either I’ve just been SO sweet all year, or I’ve given the impression my desires for candy can only be quelled by 5lbs of it?
In other news – I’m going to Paris to meet my best friend.
Okay – so it’s this one:
We will be lunching this week.
I’m so very excited!
It occurred to me, after we decided to meet in the lobby, that it’s a big place! And they might even have more than one lobby.
Now, (are you sitting down?) I don’t have a cell phone.
So, once I’m in transit, there will be no way to communicate. No calls from the meeting place saying “I’m in the green chair next to the Parisian table.”
Time was decided upon, place – then I suggested we google the lobby and see where to meet.
My first email after we searched:
Thought I was pretty funny – but, she topped me:
This is why we’re friends.
Maybe I could just take the candy bar with me? There’s no way she could miss me.
Musings from the Laundromat: ‘Twas 3 nights before Christmas
This is my last musing from the laundromat before Christmas. I just peeked up from my table and over a washer to see if there were any decorations … I do see a fake poinsettia poked strategically in a fake potted plant – but other than that – nope.
Halloween they had a skeleton on the bathroom door – perhaps it is a paganmat – which would be fine by me, only I don’t see any solstice decorations either. No Yule altars on the folding tables.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this is the last musing before Christmas (tangents are your gift, you’re welcome.)
I’ve decided I have the best friends on the planet.
Friday my friend Ruth brought tears to my eyes and renewed my faith that if you do the right things, and are kind – you DO receive kindness in return. The point is though, you shouldn’t expect it.
Kindness is magic. Right Derek?
It occurs to me, I really need to look into what photos I can use from the internet – but I can think of worst things than Ricky Gervais asking me to remove something.
‘Madame, kindly (the magical kind) remove the photo of me and the dog.’ Or, ‘Madame, kindly (still the magical kind) remove your clothing.’ :-O Ricky!!!
Back to expecting things.
Anyone who knows me knows I don’t expect anything. Almost to the point of channeling Eeyore. Hope from time to time? Yes. But certainly don’t expect.
Yesterday I went shopping – it wasn’t as bonkers as I was expecting. (Oh my goodness! I DO expect things.)
I didn’t cross everything off of my list, but got to say ‘Merry Christmas’ a few times and had the experience of being outside with other humans, so it was overall pretty great.
That’s another facet to this season I was missing. I was telling my friend Betty … I haven’t BEEN anywhere! One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the cheer and good nature from strangers.
It’s hard to bump into a stranger and witness cheer or good nature when I’m either in an office, driving to and from the office, or in my house (Gawd, I would HOPE I didn’t ‘bump into’ a stranger whilst driving! Or in my house. Because we know, Butters is crap at protecting me.)
Betty gave me some pretty adorable little earrings. (She knows me – she knows I only do ‘little’.)
She also gave me a ceramic gingerbread house that warms oil that Nic has adopted. That child has inherited my love of scents it seems.
He keeps absconding with candles and air freshening devices into his room.
The entire house smells of peppermint this morning courtesy of the late night fragrance kid.
Speaking of fragrances – after my shopping experience, I checked the mail.
There was a small box for me from my friend Rachel.
An entire bag of samples!!! I was over the moon. 🙂 She read my December 15th post and was sweet enough to send me more ‘little scents’ to be excited about.
(Probably I should hide them from Nic. Although – he hasn’t shown any interest in my perfumes yet … just household fragrance devices.)
So this brings me to wonder, if I blog about something – will it be sent to me?
If so – here’s what else I love.
Kindness for you.
Health and happiness for you and yours.
Wishes to come true for you.
Love for you.
And serenity and a peaceful heart – for you.
I’ll take a naked mole rat colony please and Santa, I’ve been good, may I please have my lobster?
Butters – and how I’m not going to be eaten by cats
I always assumed I’d meet my end dying unnoticed in my house, then being partially eaten by my copious amount of future cats. My body perhaps found by the Laundromat Lady when I didn’t show up on a Sunday to muse?
Turns out Butters is what I have to worry about.
I know this because last night as I was on my belly, inching across the floor – she tried to eat me.
Okay – rewind.
You might like a little back story.
(And funnily enough, that’s what it is.)
I was in my sons room saying ‘goodnight’ and asked ‘Can you crack my back without lifting me?’
Nothing worked, so I lay down on the floor and Nic stepped on me. I was stretched out and pulled myself forward on my elbows to lengthen my spine. It felt good.
So while I was down there – of course, I went into tangent mode.
‘What if I had a broken leg and had to get to the door??’
Only way to find out if I could reach the front door was to try it.
You know, like anyone laying on their childs bedroom floor would think to do. Nothing weird here.
So I’m pulling myself using only upper body strength across his carpet.
A military belly crawl, only, I wasn’t allowing myself to use my legs – they remained dead weight. (Remember, my imaginary broken leg … of course, I wasn’t factoring in the pain I’d have to contend with should I actually have a broken leg, but we work with what we have.)
I encountered tile and was unable to get a grip due to my flannel pajama bottoms and fleece sweatshirt. (*Note to self, break leg in clothing with more traction.)
I should have stopped there – experiment over. I was screwed once I hit a slippery surface.
But Nic’s in the spirit of things now and pulls me across that obstacle.
Next the kitchen.
By now – Butters has noticed me in a vulnerable position on the ground. Does she worry? Look upon me in curiosity? Go for help?
No! She attacks.
I’m scooting across the kitchen rug and intermittently having my head chewed on.
I tried playing dead – but she just kept running off and returning to gnaw on me.
“I’ve got her! Go! Go!”
Nic held her back as I inched into the living room.
Why am I still doing this?!? Because I’d come that far – that’s why.
I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going now, but it was very apparent that if I were home alone and did have to wriggle to a phone or an exit without using my legs, Butters would be the reason I wouldn’t succeed.
Experiment over.
I hadn’t quite forgiven her after I climbed into bed.
I lay there on my stomach, getting comfortable, my head turned to the right when I heard snorting and felt warmth on the back of my head.
*sigh*
Really??
I sleep on a California King sized mattress – there’s enough room for me, Butters and both sets of Charlie Buckets’ grandparents!
Yet, Butters, obviously exhausted from attacking me, was snoring less than 5 inches from the back of my head.
She has a side! This is ‘homeless dog’ that I took in that now has a side of my bed.
She doesn’t like to cuddle, so I decided it was likely she was guarding me like one of her bones.
(Oh gawd, what if my imaginary broken leg is a compound fracture?!?! She’ll try to drag my sticky-out bone off!)
Anyway, she was still tired this morning (good!) so I managed to capture evidence of her close proximity. Then I just pestered her for photos to be annoying.
She’s getting really sick of the camera.
Perhaps I need to remember to break my leg in clothes with traction and a camera around my neck … then I stand a chance.
Butters on the left, my pillow on the right.
Me being happy I was annoying the dog
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
I’ve had this word in my head for days.
I have no clue when or how it popped into my subconscious – but it obviously felt too crowded in there and made space in the forefront of my brain.
I didn’t know there was any room left, what with all my other tenants: Tangents, imaginary problems, over thought real issues, and daydreams.
But, there it is.
Ubiquitous.
Moved in and unpacking its belongings – wondering if there’s enough space in the dumpster to dispose of the boxes and newspapers it had its fragile things wrapped in. (Probably then it felt a little guilty for considering just tossing its packing debris and not recycling.)
The wind in the desert has been ubiquitous of late.
It’s an icy wind that slaps you in the face, waters your eyes and has you hugging yourself tightly. (I like the hug part. I haven’t had a hug from another human being in a very long time.)
Every time I walk outside my office – I think of that fable about the wind and the sun. Which one could get the man to remove the jacket. The wind boasted it could – and tried first – of course, the man only drew his coat tighter – the sun shone and the man, too warm, removed his jacket.
Every time!
Then I go off on a tangent in my head about the metaphor and think of similar ones . By the time I’m back in my chair I’m focused on being kind – knowing people respond to kind. (Or maybe it would be easier to just turn the central heat up?)
The thing about this wind: the first time I came to this area to visit my parents, I encountered it and I remember thinking, there’s no way I could EVER live in this area.
I knew the wind would drive me bonkers.
You just get relief from temperatures in the 120’s – then you can’t enjoy being outside because the wind is ready to bite at you and push your patio furniture into the pool. (I don’t have a pool but I’ve seen it happen first hand and thought I’d throw that in there … much like the wind does.)
Anyway, I was NEVER going to move here … Yet here I am.
The other thing is – I might be the only one that remembers that the wind happens every single year, because the complaints about the wind are ubiquitous too.
“It’s windy outside!”
“It’s cold out there!”
“That wind has been blowing for three days straight!”
“Wish that wind would lay down!”
“It would be nice if it weren’t so windy!”
This is from people who have been in the area long enough to know that this happens every fucking year.
(I needed to say that. Sometimes I crave the feeling of a shocking word leaving my mouth.)
Anyway, Stop it.
We know.
It’s windy. It was windy last year, and the year before that.
I’m taking an educated guess that next year, ‘round this time … it’s going to be windy.
Hopefully Ubiquitous will have disposed of its packing material responsibly, or there will be packing peanuts in my imaginary pool and tumbleweed boxes smacking up against my tangents.
My snowman’s arm
I was sent on a mission. My boss wants to hand out some treats tomorrow at the realtors meeting – and asked me to get cards and handwrite 25 of the ‘thank you’ variety.
Mission accepted.
I went to our local Wal-Mart (yes, back again) with my bosses money in my pocket and headed to the card section. I also couldn’t pass up some adorable glittered, holiday stickers. Nothing spruces up an envelope like a bedazzled snowman.
Speaking of snowmen … I was headed out the garden department exit when I spied, with my little holiday eye, a stick.
Only, it was never just a ‘stick’ from the moment I laid eyes on it.
I bent down, scooped it up and held it in front of me like a precious trophy.
I couldn’t wait to get back to the office and show it off.
As I came through the main door, I held out my ‘stick’ and said to the receptionist, “Look what I found!!!”
To which she responded … “A Charlie Brown Christmas tree?”
“No. It’s a snowman’s arm!”
“Oh, okay.”
Alright – I’ll try my boss.
“Look what I found!”
He glanced up, “A stick?”
*Sigh*
“It’s a snowman’s arm!”
I took my arm and my thank you cards and stickers and disappeared into my office.
A realtor came by.
“Look what I found!” (this time I wasn’t leaving anything to the imagination) “It’s a snowman’s arm!”
“Are you sure it’s not a leg?”
“Snowmen don’t have legs! Well … except for Frosty I suppose … anyway, it’s an arm … and I’m keeping it.”
He left me finishing up my cards and wondering about snowmen legs – and also contemplating the very real possibility that I might be the only one around here that sees bears in clouds and arms in sticks. I don’t think I can be though.
Here’s the arm – you decide.
Debauchery Soup 