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“As perfect days are few …”
I was driving home from work today, admiring the shadows cast on the mountains by the clouds hung in the sky … and thought “It has been a perfect day.”
I instantly knew I would be writing tonight.
I have a peace about me today.
Nothing extraordinary happened.
I am just very aware of how blessed I am.
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I awoke before my alarm – took my time getting ready.
Received an email that ended in ‘In deep love’ from someone special.
And actually smiled at the mess that Nicholas’ birthday had left in its wake.
Yesterday was pretty amazing. My son said he had one of his best birthdays ever – and it wasn’t because of any material thing.
He spent time with people he loves. During the day, with his first love – Chelsea, they’ll be celebrating 1 year together this month. Then I arrived home and he was with my mom.
I was aware in that moment that he’s grown. That he appreciates that what matters are people not things.
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Back to today.
So I’m reflecting on the day – the interactions with my co-workers/friends.
The successful meeting we had this morning, one of the guest speakers being a dear friend who I’m always glad to see.
Happy about the fact that our place of business is going to be of service in the community.
Happy that I was busy, productive.
Happy that I felt genuine joy returning from lunch and seeing the cars of the ‘family’ I work with – knowing I was going into a building full of people I like.
Then how fortunate I was to be driving a car in working order – to have a job to drive home from – to be able to stop off at the pharmacy and afford to collect my medicine.
I was full of gratitude for every little thing.
Grate FULL.
Then I checked the mail.
There was a brown package for me.
It was from a friend I’ve known for years and years.
She had told me a while ago she saw something and thought of me – and asked for my address.
This was in the package.
Ten Years Later: Six People Who Faced Adversity and Transformed Their Lives.
Years ago, books like those wouldn’t have anyone thinking of me.
I was humbled.
Then I opened it.
Inside was a letter – and a check.
‘Dear Amanda (+Nic)
The book is for you – enjoy and pass on. The check is for Butters. Took up a collection, please put towards bill to get snip snip done. Have a great day.’
(I’ll keep her anonymity.)
I’ve been struggling trying to find the ‘extra’ money to have Butters spayed.
I came very close to looking for another home for her. I’m a firm believer that if you can’t afford to provide for an animal – can’t afford health care, food or time – then you should not have one!
When Butters showed up in my yard, I went to great lengths to find her owners. Even using a connection I have at a television station to have her shown on a morning show.
No owners came forward.
I then went to great lengths to find her a forever home. No takers.
I could not bring myself to take her to the pound, a definite death sentence.
So, 3 years later, we’ve been her ‘better than the pound’ solution.
But I’ve hated, simply hated that I haven’t been able to have her spayed or provided her with shots!!
It all came to a head a while back – I was frustrated when I had to chase her down the street when she jumped our frail fence. I panicked. She can’t get pregnant! She hasn’t had her shots! What if she is injured?!
Of course she wants to jump! Of course she wants to play with other dogs!
I knew all of this and felt SO inadequate as a pet mom. She deserved better I concluded.
That conclusion was shared with my friends and clearly made an impression.
______________________
So here I am, having my ‘perfect day’ added to by this amazing person – and then I see her Facebook status.
And apparently something has happened.
Her recent status alluded to that and ended with “May the journey we all travel be peaceful as perfect days are few and sometimes far between.”
This friend, who managed to make my perfect day end on such a sweet note is not having a perfect day.
She wrote inside the book ‘Because you just never know! Pay it forward’
To her I say, “I will. I promise you I will.”
And I ask now for anyone reading this to just take a second and send love and light into the universe to all those in our hearts, on our minds – and in the world.
Blossoming from the weeds
On my drive home today, I saw an elderly person weeding their front yard.
I was reminded of something that had a profound effect on me almost four years ago.
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It was a time when it was imperative I get out of self. That I reach out and be of service to others.
Summer in the desert, and I noticed an old woman on my street tending to her weeds. It was hot. In the mid 120’s.
I parked, set my belongings inside and walked up the street to her house and called out.
“Hello?”
She didn’t hear me.
“Hello?”
She looked up from her crouched position, and from under her sun hat met my gaze.
“Yes?”
I was eager and just knew that she would think I was wonderful.
“May I help you weed your yard?”
I waited a beat – smile on my face.
“No thank you.” She said, with a peaceful smile on her own face.
I wasn’t expecting that.
I gauged her expression a moment to be sure she really didn’t want my help … bid her a good day and went home.
Wow.
It hadn’t dawned on me for even a second, that perhaps she was content in her task.
That perhaps she enjoyed what she was doing.
Or that she knew how much more satisfied she would be when the sun went down, looking out at her weed-free yard, that she had done the work.
I have never forgotten her or that moment.
It was an epiphany of sorts for me.
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I’ve heard people speak of what they would do if they won the lottery:
“I’d give some to my family and friends.”
“I’d buy my children houses.”
“I’d find needy people and help them.”
Help them.
Such a noble and selfless intention – yet …
Don’t we have to be careful who we help and how?
Am I doing it for them or me?
Am I helping? Hindering? Enabling?
Are they making an effort to help themselves? Still have lessons to learn to strengthen them for hard times yet to come?
This comes to mind:
I personally think life IS always beautiful, (maybe not always what you want it to be, but still beautiful) but I agree with the rest.
Struggles do make you stronger. And grateful.
If you just hand someone a house – are they going to cherish it? Will it mean as much to them as it would to someone who saved for years to buy one?
Hand-ups and hand-outs have such a fine dividing line!
It’s hard to know who to help.
Harder still when you don’t know if they’ve struggled – if they are too fragile to have to struggle – if they’ve been put in your path to bestow a blessing on?
Personally, I can look back and I know without doubt, that I am grateful for my struggles.
I’ve been VERY prideful. And I’m trying to get over that and accept help when it makes sense. When the help doesn’t rob me of my spiritual and emotional growth.
Because, my life has blossomed from the weeds.
And I see weeds as blossoms.
Beauty in every thing, every person and every moment.
I’ve learned to focus on these things.
Stay in those moments – no matter how fleeting – to feel them and move forward with a positive attitude and an open mind and heart.
I look upon life with grateful eyes – a students mind and a peaceful heart.
And I’m so glad I struggled.
And I so love those who helped me along the way – and I love those who did not.
I’m no Lois Lane
Much like Dorothy always had the power to go home, with her ruby slippers –
I have always had the cape.
I saved myself years ago.
Bare footed
Something I had been looking forward to and planning for did not come to pass.
I don’t know how I really feel about that right now, or if I should even be thinking about how I feel.
It seems somehow selfish to be disappointed – sad – confused.
Regardless, there is a sensation in the part of my heart that still believed in fairy tales, akin to having the wind punched out of me.
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My work week had not ended on a high note either – I overheard an inaccurate account of something that I was a part of.
What bothered me most about that was being reminded, once again, that I am naive and gullible when it comes to placing my exuberance and trust into the hands of others.
I forget that.
I think the best of everyone. I don’t expect it, but I give my trust easily.
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So I’m sitting in my little sanctuary – and trying to process the latest news – and I feel numb.
What I know to be true are the following things:
I’ll never stop believing there is good.
I’ll never stop seeing good in others.
I’ll always give the benefit of the doubt to those who may not prove to have deserved it.
I’ll always give those who have given me reason to doubt, a second chance.
I will show up, no matter where it is, with all I have to give. Whether it’s work, friendship, love …
When I ready myself to sleep – I will ask myself if I accomplished those things.
My list of things I’m grateful for, far outweighs any complaints I could write down.
Among them, of course, my son – the irony that the picture I used above is from the song ‘Beautiful Boy’ has not escaped me.
And this phone call – from a dear friend who reached out – to help me process the matter of the heart.
I’m ok.
I know this to be true too.
I am rich with the most important treasures.
And if I am never to have a glass slipper placed on my foot – I will walk bare footed.
The Forgotten Daisy
Why oh why did I watch Jerry McGuire?
I have always hated that line “You complete me.”
I’ve shared my opinion that you can’t possibly have much to offer another person, if you don’t come to them already ‘complete’.
And to some degree I still believe that.
But when I’m sitting on my purple couch, sniffing at a romantic movie, my heart swelling and my chest tightening – I have to acknowledge that there is a part of me that wants that – or that is at the very least, touched by the sentiment.
Last night, I went to perform my side job – cleaning the offices – and as I put the mop bucket down, and reached under the sink to gather garbage bags and cleaner, I turned to face the break room table.
Cinderella moment or what?
Friday, someone in the office received a small arrangement of flowers. They weren’t from a romantic interest, I believe they were from a customer – but none the less, there sat the flowers.
Daisies.
My favorite.
Sweet, small, blushing daisies.
Alone on the table for a 3 day weekend.
I felt a twinge of sadness. I would never leave my flowers behind. The thought behind them and every petal, would come home with me.
I have protested too much over the past few years about how I feel about love.
I have lied.
I have said I’ve never been in love. I don’t know if I told myself that for so long that I started to believe it – or if I had to believe it. But said it I have, and multiple times.
“I don’t need a man.” That’s true … to a degree.
I don’t need a man to feel good about myself, to provide for myself and my family.
But the part of me that sniffed at the movie earlier needs love.
Then I sat here and thought for a while about what that means to me.
I can’t know what is right or ‘normal’ for others – but I know what my heart wants.
And I will not settle for anything less.
I want to be courted. I want to feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I want to be the first thing the man who loves me thinks of when he wakes up, and the last thing he thinks about at night.
I need that.
I give that – so I don’t feel like I’m expecting too much not wanting to be an after thought.
As for the fairy tale ending … I deserve it.
I’ve fought that notion for years too.
I’ve had my mind changed.
I deserve nothing less.
My fairy tale ending may not come from a book – but it is written in my heart.
My prince will laugh with me. He will ask ‘how was your day’. He will listen to me. He will understand that I like time alone, time to read, time to write. He will encourage my passions and will think that they are important.
My prince will know that I say too much – think too much – and still love me. He will know me well enough to understand who I really am.
And I won’t love him because I need to be complete. And I won’t love him because I can’t be alone.
I will love him because he will have earned it. My trust, my lust … my secrets, my heart.
I’ll laugh with him, ask him ‘how was your day’, listen to him. I will understand that he likes time alone – time to pursue his interests. I will encourage him and know that what he cares about is important.
And when he says too much, or thinks too much – I will still love him.
I will know with my heart who he really is and understand him.
I will share the most important thing I have to give – my life.
Debauchery Soup 