I have very good instincts.
I have always been able to trust my gut – having said that, this does not mean I’ve always made the right choices.
In my past, I definitely self sabotaged. Let people into my life that satisfied a need to treat myself poorly or provided a lesson I needed to learn.
But, still I knew who they were and what I was getting into deep down.
I’m healthier now – I’ve worked out most of my demons – I’ve grown and blossomed.
I need to trust that – and not the opinions of others.
To be honest, this past year, I let doubt and negativity in and allowed my faith to waiver.
I was never more certain my trust has been placed in the right hands than I was yesterday.
I was renewed with patience. With affirmation that what I’ve put my life on hold for is worth it. Not only is it worth it – it IS my life.
I couldn’t love someone who didn’t have a passion – who didn’t think of others or want to better the world by being of service somehow. Whether that be education, art, charity …
Selfishness is ugly.
There is nothing less attractive than a soul wrapped up in self.
I’ve felt guilty of this when I’ve privately pouted that I could not have the person I wait for sooner. The selfless thing to do IS to wait.
I feel with every fiber of my soul that what the object of my affection is doing something so much more important and so much bigger than ‘us’.
I do not say this as a martyr. I say this as an educated member of humanity. It is truth.
I can wait.
And I know what I’m waiting for is worth it. I know this.
And I know I can trust my instincts.
Something I had been looking forward to and planning for did not come to pass.
I don’t know how I really feel about that right now, or if I should even be thinking about how I feel.
It seems somehow selfish to be disappointed – sad – confused.
Regardless, there is a sensation in the part of my heart that still believed in fairy tales, akin to having the wind punched out of me.
My work week had not ended on a high note either – I overheard an inaccurate account of something that I was a part of.
What bothered me most about that was being reminded, once again, that I am naive and gullible when it comes to placing my exuberance and trust into the hands of others.
I forget that.
I think the best of everyone. I don’t expect it, but I give my trust easily.
So I’m sitting in my little sanctuary – and trying to process the latest news – and I feel numb.
What I know to be true are the following things:
I’ll never stop believing there is good.
I’ll never stop seeing good in others.
I’ll always give the benefit of the doubt to those who may not prove to have deserved it.
I’ll always give those who have given me reason to doubt, a second chance.
I will show up, no matter where it is, with all I have to give. Whether it’s work, friendship, love …
When I ready myself to sleep – I will ask myself if I accomplished those things.
My list of things I’m grateful for, far outweighs any complaints I could write down.
Among them, of course, my son – the irony that the picture I used above is from the song ‘Beautiful Boy’ has not escaped me.
And this phone call – from a dear friend who reached out – to help me process the matter of the heart.
I know this to be true too.
I am rich with the most important treasures.
And if I am never to have a glass slipper placed on my foot – I will walk bare footed.