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Enough!

moodswing

Cheese and Rice!  I have managed to sad myself right into depression.  But, I’m not having it!  Nope.  Enough. 

If I had to analyze myself, I would say my mood of late has been a culmination of several pretty big events.

1) My Nannie, who was a HUGE bright loving light in my childhood, turned 90 on the 23rd.  My mom went over to England to surprise her and to celebrate her birthday.  I have to face the very real fact that the odds are I will never see my Nannie again. 

2)  Nic turns 18 next month.  I’ve done post after post on how I feel about that (click on the ‘Motherhood’ category). 

3) I think I’m having a mini-midlife meltdown.  (My first clue might have been when I dyed my hair from natural blonde to brown.)

While I am grateful for everything I have, and blessed beyond my wildest dreams when it comes to friends, family and those most important things that cannot be bought, I worry. 

I worry that I have no savings, no retirement plan, no health insurance to turn to with my very real health issues. Very easily interpreted by an imaginative mind into: I have no future.

4) I’m beat!  Seriously tuckered out.  It’s been a hell of a few years! 

I stopped drinking, asked for a divorce, got the divorce, was almost homeless, was unemployed, moved, got a job, got my smile back and started a blog to share it all.  Throughout all of that I’ve dealt with my heart condition, my lung disease and penny by penny, caught up with past due bills and by the grace of God – I made it! 

But jeez – sometimes a nap is in order after such exertion. 😉

5) The tooth.  This will be the last time I mention it. (Until I get it pulled, then I’m all up in your eyes with a post about that) But being physically knocked off my perch was the final straw for this camels back. 

But here’s the thing –

  • Not once have I wanted to drink through any of this. 
  • My Nannie is alive and amazing
  • My son is here – and we have an outstanding relationship
  • I am not hungry. (OK, I’m a little bit hungry lol, but I have food, just can’t chew)
  • I am not homeless
  • I can afford my medicine
  • I woke up this morning
  • the bills ARE paid
  • I have an appointment to handle the tooth

I have got to focus on the positive, because God hasn’t let me down yet.

So what the heck am I doing not using that smile?

me1

I’m glad I blogged about how I was feeling at the time though.  I hope that maybe someone who feels like I felt, but wouldn’t say what I said – knows that there is ALWAYS the choice to decide to be happy anyway.

I am grateful.  I am loved.  I am human.  And I’m going to have times when I feel overwhelmed – and those times will teach me how to be stronger, without putting armor on.  I have learned to reach out.  I have learned I don’t have to put on my wonder woman cape.  I am enough. 

I’ve done an awesome job of climbing over obstacles, and even though my muscles are a bit sore (I really should stretch before all that climbing), it’s so great to get to the other side.

Out of the dark, up and over into the light of my loved ones. 

morningsunshine

(Oh, and poor Teddy, getting dragged into such a somber post.  I owe him his own.  He’s been through a LOT with me.)

Mouth Contractions

When I was pregnant, I made the decision to have a natural birth.  I decided I wanted the drug free experience of giving birth.

By hour 13, after blacking in and out of consciousness and repeating the word ‘Ow’ so many times and so loudly that I probably had any women in a 10 mile radius changing their minds about getting pregnant, I told my mom – ‘please tell them I want the drugs, I can’t take it anymore’.

Too late.

As a nurse came to check me, she announced my child (I wanted the sex a secret) had blonde hair.

It was time to push.

I would however, go through the same pain everyday over and over if the end result was my son.

Thursday night had pain coming in intense waves.  Much like contractions in the transition phase.  I felt something building, knew what was to come and whimpered at the prospect.  Sharp, intense pain – affecting my entire mouth, ear, jaw and eye.  I did not sleep a wink.  I cried out, I sobbed, I shook and trembled while repeating ‘Ow’.

A tooth infection.

I had no one.  I was in the most pain I had been in since giving birth.  No lie.

My poor dog didn’t sleep a wink either and alternated between caring protector to annoyed tired canine.

I reached out on Facebook.  Did anyone have any remedies?  Any new ideas for relief??  I was too tired to Google and scroll.  And I needed human interaction.

I’m writing about this because nothing was working and maybe one day, someone will be googling and stumble upon this post and find something that will work for them.

I was not going the listerine route, as I can not drink and the ingredient in mouthwash that stops the pain is the alcohol.  But, when Nic had an issue with his mouth last year, it gave him immediate results.

Other solutions offered were: Cloves, salt water, Orajel, ibuprofen.  All should work with a mild toothache.

But if you have a serious dental issue, with exposed pulp and intense pain – don’t put ANYTHING in it, never mind a whole clove in there.  As for the Orajel, it worked on the less serious teeth, but not the culprit.  In fact, it made it worse.  It stung and throbbed.

It wasn’t until about 5 am, when I had given up on any hope of sleeping that I Googled.

Funny that when I think back to when I was sitting up typing out my night – there was some relief.  I found a site that explained that the nerves are of course a part of the circulatory system and when we lay down, the blood pumps with more vigor.  In layman’s terms, sit up, it hurts less.  Had I known that at 2 or 3, I might have tried sleeping sitting up on the couch.

I had so many milograms of acetomenaphin coursing through my veins, I’m surprised my liver is still working today.  Nothing helped.

The one thing I knew would help, I couldn’t find.  Heating pad.

I went to work and immediately called my dentist.  They will not work on you if you have an infection.  I knew I had to get prescriptions for antibiotics.  And I knew I needed pain killers.

Ironic that my previous post was about being appreciated at work – one of my bosses insisted that he go to the dentist for me.  I couldn’t drive anymore than I had to.  He left immediately and picked up the prescriptions and I went home.

I’m not a call-in-sick person.  But if they had said ‘no’ when I asked to go home, I would have had to leave anyway Friday.  It was that bad.

I understand not being able to afford to go to the dentist.  We’ve established I’m a single mom, working a full-time job and a part-time side job, and I have no insurance.  I’ve been putting off having this particular tooth taken care of for a couple of reasons.  When it doesn’t hurt, I don’t think about it, and it’s easy for other expenses to take priority.  I’m also pretty scared as my dentist won’t remove the tooth – instead he’d prefer an oral surgeon do it.  It’s really quite bad.

I’ve trained myself to eat around it, I avoid the molar.  But in waiting too long, the molar next to it is deteriorating too.  So – I started using the left side of my mouth.  Which resulted in a top left molar also being damaged.  My mouth is a painful mess.

Bottom line is this.  Find a dentist that will work with you.  Make it a priority.  Going immediately eliminates the need to go through such pain and avoiding it only makes the problem worse and more costly.

I took my prescriptions to the pharmacy and picked up a heat pack.  If you’re in agony – whether from an infected tooth, or an earache – try heat.

Heat, in conjunction with the antibiotics and pain killers afforded me some sleep last night.  And as soon as I’m finished with the course of Keflex, I’m GOING to make that appointment to have the tooth removed.

 

Creative Laryngitis to a loud chastising

I’ve lost my voice.  My artistic voice.  It’s 5:54 in the morning and I’m wracking my brain trying to think of something deep or witty or poignant or even remotely worth your eye time and cannot.

I’ve had a headache for two days (probably a side effect of the eating debauchery I embarked on starting Friday and ending Sunday and the instant 4 pounds I put on my often mentioned small frame).

A-ha!

Let’s talk about that.  Let’s talk about my weight. (See what can happen when you just keep typing?  Eventually something comes up.  Now we need a picture.  I’ll use this one as I’ve been told I resemble her – here’s Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow).

I used to be thin.  It’s in my genes.  My Nannie is thin, my mother is thin.  I’m 5’10 and on average, now weigh 129 pounds.  A few years ago, I was teetering between the mid 160’s up to 172 at my heaviest.  I made a concerted effort to lose weight and it worked.  No soda – no white bread – smaller portions – stopped eating when I was full (what a concept) – no eating right before going to bed.  Nothing bonkers.  Just sensible.

The catalyst was hating to take my clothes off and still seeing the outline of them on my body. LOL!  That, and actually startling at my desk because “something touched my legs!!” (Turned out it was my stomach).

I was also uncomfortable, and my heart condition was getting worse.  Although, my heart issue stems from my sinus node, not the actual heart – I figured it still couldn’t hurt.

Then I quit drinking.

OH!  Do liquids have calories? THAT explains a lot.  More weight came off.  Because if I’m being honest, probably half my daily allowable calories came from champagne or wine or vodka or beer.  And some days many non-allowable daily calories too.

I am not skinny!  But I get comments a lot that I am.

This prompted me a while ago to quip on my Facebook status ‘why is it ok to point out someone is thin, but not that someone is fat??’.  I think both are rude.

I came to the conclusion that ‘thin’ has negative connotations.  It brings to mind disease, addiction, poverty.  While having some meat on the bones has historically meant ‘privilege, wealth, success’.

Um.  Can I ask again, why is it ok to mention the thin?  It’s sort of ruder now I’ve pointed out what it brings to mind.  What if they have just beaten a disease??  Or really can’t afford to eat? Ouch.  That would be horrible!   Because it’s never said privately out of concern, it’s usually flippantly thrown out there in public almost like it’s a compliment, except for that touch of distaste in the sentence.

I mean, you don’t just say to someone ‘Wow, your hair is really thinning.’  Or, ‘Your nose is so BIG!’.  Why do we think it’s ok to point anything like that out? Boggles the mind.  Just stop it.  Keep your eyes on your own paper.

Now, if I wasn’t eating or if a bone was protruding, a well-meaning ‘aside’ from a friend would be not only acceptable but expected!

But I went from a size 14-16 to a 6-8, not a zero.  I’m not skin and bones people.  Trust me, I see me naked.

Root beer float and peach pie love

Hadn’t felt well last night – my heart learned a new trick last night and was showing it off.  I held tight to my 40-year-old bear ‘Teddy’ and slept.  This morning, it was still demonstrating its new trick.  ‘Tug, kick, gurgle – repeat’.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a heart condition.  I take 3 different medications and just really sort of deal with it. However, when a new symptom presents – it is a little creepy, considering my existing issues.

I debated just riding it out, I have no health insurance.  But I know that if something was seriously wrong and preventable, I would KICK myself for worrying about money over my life.

So, this morning I ran an errand – came home, told Nic I was going to the hospital and went to the emergency room.

I can’t even count how many EKG’s, IV’s or X-rays I’ve had at this point.  I’m pretty well versed in the procedures.  The nurse was amazing.  We discussed books (I had brought my nook along) she was kind and warm.

My actual arm – don’t think for one minute I wasn’t already thinking about sharing my day with you lol.

Waiting for my blood and X-ray results, they brought a roommate in.  This gentleman was in fact having a heart attack.  He had come in the night before and they wanted to admit him, but he had to work so he had left.  Bonkers!  (But, probably I would have done the same – what is WRONG with us??).

They worked diligently on him.  I had tears in my eyes hearing how brave he was trying to sound and knowing how scared he must have been.  He went to ICU.

Fast forward to my release.  I was told I needed to rest, relax and to see my cardiologist in a couple of days.  Felt so blessed to be walking out – and hoped with every fiber of my being that my roommate would be OK.

I came home, feeling bruised and tired.  Went grocery shopping – sent my son out for some quick food and lay on the couch.  Sleep found me.

What I awoke to, in a fog – was my son presenting me with a root beer float.  🙂  That thing didn’t stand a chance.

It tasted of love.

There was a smell in the air too – he was cooking a peach pie.

How blessed am I?? Seriously.  I am so very grateful for every single day.  For the love I have in my life, and for every beat of my imperfect heart.