Lost: My son’s happy mom (She’s mostly friendly and comes to the word ‘Cake’)


treat others

This is absolutely true.

How do I know this to be true?

Because I’ve been doing it to the person who means the most to me.

I’ve been defensive and sensitive and internalizing everything my son has said to me lately.  Projecting on him my current self loathing, self-deprecation and insecurities.

One example:  Yesterday I rose early, went immediately to the Laundromat and did our laundry.  Yes, ‘our’ laundry.  I see no point in making that trip and spending money on those machines only to do MY laundry.  (See, I’m already defending myself thinking ‘surely someone reading this is going to think why isn’t HE doing his OWN laundry.’)  I do this all the time.  Defend my actions/thoughts/opinions.  *Sigh*

ANYWAY!

I return from the Laundromat and tip toe around the house as my son had a late night with some friends.

I cleaned as quietly as I could.  I made two amazing dishes from scratch.  Then I had to vacuum … so I woke Nic.

It was after 1 p.m. by this time anyway.

I finally relaxed with a movie and some time later he found me in my bedroom telling me that the waist band of my jeans might be damp.

How did I take it?

I took it as a passive-aggressive remark in order to inform me that his jeans were not dried to completion.

My internal dialogue?

Well, SOR-RY! I mean, I only work full-time and support us both and YES, I knew I had only put our jeans in the dryer for 20 minutes this weekend instead of 30, because I wanted to come home on my last day off!  I knew they’d dry before anyone would be slipping them on.  And oh, excuse me for not doing YOUR laundry perfectly while you were sleeping and jobless and …

All of this occurred in my head.  What came out of my mouth was a lesser version.  Something like “So, you’re saying I didn’t dry your jeans enough?”

Paraphrasing.

But it was said with snark and my feelings were truly hurt.

Was that his intention?

No.

But I’ve felt so ‘less than’ that I consider everything an insult lately.

I’m not pleased with how I’ve been living, or rather NOT living my life.

I’m not pleased with my lack of gratitude or joy.

I’m not pleased with my weight gain or my indulgences.

I know I can change all of these things – but I just don’t have it in me right now.

I am unhappy.

And the way I’ve been treating others, mostly Nic, is a direct result of that.

I’m scared.  I’m scared I will be alone.

My Nannie is passing (I’ve mentioned this before) and my mum has been out of the country with her for coming up on two months now.

Nic and I discussed this, and in his youth – (I hope) in his limited life experience … said: “You won’t do that will you?”  Meaning want him with me as my life comes to a close and then linger.

I was shocked.

I weighed all the information I could grasp in my head so as not to lash out.  Of course, ‘hurt’ won out and I said, “No, I’ll be sure to die as quickly as possible for you.”

Ug.

self love

 I hope that by sharing this – getting it written down and out will be the start of ME taking action to STOP this hurtful cycle.

I want ‘happy Amanda’ back.  I want to respond to others with confidence and love.  I want to return self-love to those I care for.

First step: Acknowledge the problem.

Check!

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on January 25, 2016, in Love, Motherhood and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I am so chuckling over here on my side of the blog. heh heh heh heh heh

    Cruel, maybe. From outbursts like the wet jeans outburst, Nic is going to be just a little more prepared for living with a woman. When his significant other reacts in a way that no man can ever be prepared for, he is going to react a little more calmly and more sensitive to her.

    Think of yourself as his life training coach.

    • lol. HOW do you put that spin on it – I mean, I thank you – but feel like you’re co-signing my bullsh*t. 😉 Glad you had a chuckle. Some of it in hindsight even makes me laugh. x

      • Sorry. I’m boy, after all. I also have a 16 year old boy and have the privilege of witnessing the interaction between he and his mother. I also get to answer him when he asks “Why did she do that?”. Then there was the other night, when she complained to me that he didn’t text her when he got to the basketball game he drove to.. so I texted him and told him “Do us both a favor. Text your mother right now.”. A few seconds later, he texted her “Sorry, I forgot.”. Women are a mystery to us boys, so sometimes we need to learn the hard way.

      • lol! Poor Nic doesn’t have a point guard. 😉 Yes, we are enigmas eh? I’m just glad I can always check myself before I cross over to ‘unsolved crime’.

  2. Wonderful blog post. Loved it. Would love to keep in touch and share positive thoughts. Please check out my blog and give it a share if you fancy. Thank you x https://thesuitcasekiddealingwithabrokenhome.wordpress.com

  3. i would have told him where the laundromat was!

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