Grateful heart
I’ve been feeling insecure lately. I do not like that feeling!
It’s negative and fearful and something I do not want to be.
It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to a point of serenity in my life.
I am a creature of habit – yet, open to new experiences. Yes, I know, those contradict one another, but I adapt quickly to new ideas, routines and people.
So much so, that when a new routine suddenly changes – or I get a gut feeling that there has been a change, I’m left only to my imagination. That is a dangerous position to be in.
So the unknown … uncertainty … and my reaction to it – I have to look at that.
I have to look at that, because, I know that the only thing I can change is me – my attitude, my perception, my expectations. They’re all choices.
I am still choosing to be happy. So, I must address this facet of me that is making me feel unhappy.
Since I adopted a very real attitude of gratitude – I lost any desire for ‘more-than-enough’.
Material things aren’t shiny to me. Matters of the heart and soul are of far more value.
It stopped bothering me that I live in a tiny house – I was thankful for a home.
It stopped bothering me that I work so hard to provide for my son and I – the bills got paid.
It also stopped bothering me that I had no one to share my daily life with – I was grateful to have a life.
I count my blessings rather than fixate on what I don’t have.
At the same time, if I’m being honest – I secretly hoped one day for the meant-for-me person to show up.
Someone who cherished me.
Someone who made me feel safe and invited when it came to loving him.
But, I was not expecting it or looking for it.
Fairy tales can come true – I know this. I see other people in my life living them.
And they could happen to me too – if I stop reading so much into nothing.
If I could have faith and believe what those who know and love me the best say: “You deserve a happy ending.”
So I will leave the heart I guarded for so long unguarded, the heart that I kept under lock and key, open and grateful.
I will have faith and believe. And I will not allow fear and uncertainty to hold hope hostage.
Musings from the laundromat – dull moments edition
A friend said this morning, in response to my Facebook status: “Never a dull moment in Amandaville’ which, made me think … because I see my ‘Ville’ as quite dull. Dull as dishwater most days. But, simple things in my life turn out bonkers.
Took me two trips to get here today. The first had me at the pharmacy, trying to purchase ‘Unstopables’ for the laundry and finding that my debit card was not in my wallet. No, the irony was not lost on me.
I was stopped. I did the sheepish “I’ll be back, it’s at home” thing and received the ‘yeah right, you’re not coming back’ doubtful look.
Well I DID come back.
Debit card was at home on the dining room table after going with my son to Taco Bell last night.
SO! The status …
Names and faces have been blurred to protect the innocent. Okay, they’re not that innocent, but I shall protect them anyway – I look after people I care about. Even when they’re suggesting such naughty things.
But, I am also true to my word when it comes to threats 😉 So take that guys.
The shower … I’m pretty sure that if you peered into my ear and past what is left of my eardrum, you’d find the right hand side of my brain is pretty clean. As is the bathroom ceiling, inbetween the protective shower curtain lining and the non-waterproof ‘pretty’ curtain.
I’m hearing reports from home that apparently I didn’t get all the water – my son is stepping in puddles that I couldn’t find. As I pointed out to him, ‘Water is invisible’.
And when your ear is ringing from being shot with a heavy stream of water, it’s almost impossible to find. It is! Don’t try it – just trust me.
New marbles – and how Independence Day sucked
Warning: Strap yourself in for this one, or you will incur whiplash. I’m shall be swerving from topic to topic and tangent to tangent. Keep your hands and arms inside the post at all times. Any appendages not safely and securely contained within the blog are in jeopardy. You have been warned. Now you can’t sue me.
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Ah the irony of my Soul Stretch post and the bundle of insane that I became yesterday. I should have remembered to stretch. ALWAYS stretch.
This morning a customer said to me “I don’t know how you do your job, I couldn’t do it. And you’ve been SO sweet!” Evidently she didn’t notice my eye twitching involuntarily nor was she aware of the length I go to in order to keep my ‘thought Tourette’s’ safely tucked into my mind and not allowing them to come out of my mouth.
I am good at my job. I’ll give me that.
But DAMN it’s stressful some days.
I battle with underwriters, absurd lending guidelines, government rules all whilst fielding a daily barrage of panic from realtors, escrow officers and customers.
All with a smile. All while breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth and staring like a Jedi at my ‘shut-up-Buddha’ willing him to transfer to me his serenity and ability to not speak.
I lost it a little earlier. Just a smidge. Okay – let’s be honest. If someone had a straight jacket handy, probably they would have cut their eye from it, to me, to it and back to me – deciding whether or not it was possible to slip it on me safely.
I was googling funny pictures about stress. Found this particular one and what bubbled up as an innocent fit of giggles, turned to eye watering, uncontrollable bursts of laughter. The poor loan officer, only feet away from me must have wondered what the hell was going on – as I convulsed in my chair barely able to breathe.
No, no … none of that actually happened. Well, not to me. Clearly it happened to someone or:
a) it wouldn’t be an ecard and
b) it wouldn’t be relatable to any recipients.
Oh gawd, this DID happen to someone didn’t it??
Let’s go back in time shall we … all the way back to last Wednesday.
This was my little Wednesday arm.
I decided, since I am rolling in money – to spend a large chunk of it and some of my copious free time at the ER. (Ouch, sarcasm sometimes hurts when you type it)
I have a heart condition called ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’. And I swear, this is the last time I want to talk about or mention this. Basically, my heart misfires electrically sometimes (okay, quite frequently) and get’s all confused and thinks I’ve just run a marathon when I am actually doing something really physically exhausting like sleeping, resting or sitting in an office chair. That crazy mixed up heart of mine. It’s silly ;).
What then ensues is me – getting to experience all the fun symptoms of a heart attack, without the heart attack part. I do relaxation breathing – if I can walk steadily, I’ll find the nearest sink and run my hands under cool water (that seems to help sometimes) or, I’ll go sit with someone, usually my friend Betty if at work, and just listen to her talk about anything but how I’m feeling. (Because if I focus on the fact that I’m not feeling well, it gets worse) And, eventually my spell passes.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
And I know my ‘normal’ now – and I’m used to it – so when something different starts to join the tachycardia party, I get scared.
Little arm day, was brought on by three really painful, sharp thuds in the center of my chest, after trying my breathing solutions and cool water trick.
And I’ve been experiencing rapid heart beat when I exert myself lately. You know, like climbing the three steps to my porch or getting up too quickly. Serious exertion 😉
It’s a good thing I’m thin, because I can not exercise. You will not see me jogging or doing jumping jacks … ever.
Stress also doesn’t help.
Oooo! First tangent. Speaking of sex … So, I’m wearing a dress that my friend gave me, and shoes that she gave me. I went into her office and said “Hey, if you’ve got a hair clip and a pair of underwear I can wear I’ll be head to toe Betty” To which she replied, “Hair clip I could do … the underwear would end up around your ankles” (She was referring to my thin frame) To which I responded “Ah … the good old days.”
It’s been a while since my underwear was anywhere but on me or in the laundry basket. But … anyway.
Let’s now turn to yesterday – the day I lost my last marble.
Fourth of July. My original plans included a man I adore, my son, BBQ at my parents and a four-day weekend. Not bad eh?
What actually happened: Argument with my son, spending the day alone crying like a basket case and not even having a hot dog.
To be fair – and I am fair … my part in this argument was that I was already stressed out – the man I adore has been unavoidably delayed, I’ve been worried, I had my little arm day, and I just had a shorter fuse than usual.
Instead of being the mature parent that I am, (that time the sarcasm hurt less … hmmm … clearly if you use it often it gets easier) I resorted to bringing up every single thing I was pissed off about instead of staying on current topics. My words were pretty venomous and I was ashamed of that. I did own my part in that – I did apologize later for being so ugly. It was wrong.
I won’t go into detail about the argument – but suffice it to say, someone stormed out (and it wasn’t me) and the argument continued online. What have we come to? That we argue on IM? Although, it’s nice to point out in black and white proof of a sentence when someone says “I never said that!” HA!
One such sentence (that wasn’t denied) was “I’ll move out”. Oh gawd.
I should have taken into consideration that without a vehicle, job or place to go – this was an empty threat – but my mood at that moment didn’t allow for logic. I was mortally wounded by that notion.
He wanted his independence.
Independence?? He goes where he wants, when he wants – has no obligations around the house and the house to himself all day while I work? It’s not as if he lives in North Korea?!
Anyway, none of this was funny yesterday at all. Awful day. He did come home. We did talk. And I gave him the biggest hug I could muster.
But after a good two weeks of stressing out – that was the last straw for me. I lost my last marble. Gone. Poof!
I decided today to do the only sensible thing I could.
I’m guarding these ones – and I will keep smiling – breathing and laughing.
Soul stretch
I caught myself off guard this afternoon.
It was lovely.
I stretched in my office chair and my mind emptied – I was suddenly only aware of my flesh and bones and the soul within me wanting to be fed.
In that single stretch – I was not thinking of worldly ‘things’ I had to do – thoughts I had to have, or needs yet to be met.
My body sung in my stretched position and I felt absolutely, deliciously, human.
Every inch of me exhaled in a glorious release of tension.
I was Amanda.
I found her.
I was wide awake spiritually and in that brief moment, so very aware.
Aware of my body – my heartbeat and breath, and urgently aware that time slips by too quickly.
As I returned from the stretch, I brought with me the short and important list of things my soul wants to experience.
Love.
Knowledge.
Truth.
And nothing, nothing at all was more important. And time is of the essence.
I was given this today.
All in one single stretch.
Musings from the laundromat – Unapologetic edition
A friend asked me what was going on and how was I feeling this morning – he said “Your blog post was a big downer …”
My first reaction to that was that today’s post needed to be a super upbeat, a “I’m SO grateful, joyous” positive post to make up for yesterdays sad one.
But I am not going to do that.
I get tired of apologizing for being human.
I have said before and I’ll say it again, I really don’t tend to edit myself. Ask me a question, I’ll answer it. You know where you stand with me.
This bleeds over to my blog. I keep identities secret, but not my feelings. And I’m not about to start now.
I received an instant message from a dear friend of mine last night after I published Dirt and destiny, and we typed back and forth and I sat there, on my porch, and I cried.
It felt SO good and was just what I needed.
Not maudlin, not sobbing, not gut wrenching ‘why me’ – ‘poor me’ crying … just, cleansing tears.
Acknowledging that I was sad and scared and unsure. Letting a long week out onto my cheeks.
She said just the right things. Things I needed to hear. That it was okay to want things for myself sometimes too. To consider myself. That I deserve to be happy.
I fight this.
I find myself constantly trying to make amends for my past by not allowing the notion that I could deserve to be happy to blossom.
I should clarify – I AM ‘happy’ … we are speaking of ‘happy-ever-after’ happy.
Once you have come to the above conclusion – once you have found what and who you want, you recognize that there are only so many tomorrows. And maybe there isn’t even another ‘tomorrow’.
I’ve also been taught that if there is nothing you can do – do the next right thing. So, I’ve been to the laundromat, washed the dog – and after this post I’ll clean and find time to rest.
I’ll read one of the books I’m currently reading and breath.
I tend to succeed in pushing through tough times. And when I’m uncertain or worried, I find the light and grow through it.
I also have to remember, that my imagination amplifies every situation. I have to decide how to feel. And in the end, I always choose happy.
Debauchery Soup 