2013

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Filled with moments I’ve learned to treasure

and to stay in as long as I could

I’ve laughed with my whole heart

lingered there until the last exhale

I learned to cry

to release – but not to wallow

let tears fall … tasted them on my lips

the salt remembered.

Felt with each tick of the clock, page of the calendar

my mortality

life’s frailty

urgency to live

To savor.

My brushes have been wet with color –  hands covered with clay

My fingers typed so many words!

some that made a difference

many that did not.

My arms have circled family

friends

felt the warmth of what is truly valuable.

I’ve tasted such wondrous things!

Felt my soul soar to crescendo with arias and duets in my ears

Read books I could not put down

been shown new worlds

new ideas

rhythmic sentences

paralyzing paragraphs

I mourned their completion.

I’ve been enchanted by new love

watched my son fall into it

… for the first time

waves of emotion ebbed and flowed – the mother in me releasing her grasp …

(but never letting go)

I’m allowing hope to spread its wings

bracing myself to be brave

to let change

to let love

to let God

I celebrate with my heart this New Years Eve

not with clinking glass

I celebrate all that was

all that was not

all that will be

I celebrate the student I’ve become

and the mystery that’s me.

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Musings from the Laundromat: Last muse of the Year

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If I were ever going to be the person that wore their pajamas out in public, it would have been today.  But I’m not and I didn’t.

Tossed and turned last night, with my tossing and turning only to be interrupted by brief and very odd, commercial length dreams.  “This night of restlessness sponsored by ‘REM’.”

In between coughing and telling Butters to go lay down, I found myself helping someone find their small silver dog  and sitting in on a table reading for a radio spot??

I’m not even going to bother trying to interpret those.

I’ve been awake (and I use that term loosely) for less than an hour and am now at my table after filling 3 washing machines.

I wanted to get here as early as possible so that I can go home and rest!

I’m still sick.

I tried to cheer myself up after it was clear I had to actually put clothes on this morning and announced to the dog “I’ll wear my pink underwear today!”

She didn’t much care – but I guess I thought a punch of secret color would put a little pep in my dragging step.

It hasn’t.

I’m pretty sure I look like a homeless person right now.  A sick homeless person.

It hasn’t frightened anyone off so far though – in fact, two people struck up conversations with me while I was stuffing the machines with my offerings.

I should have coughed more.

That’s how I know (other than the uncontrollable coughing and general apathy) that I’m under the weather.

Any other day those people would have ended up in my blog – after I chatted their ears off and found out where they were from and what they did and who they loved and …. well – I suppose they’ve ended up in my blog anyway.

Let’s go back to before I got here.

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Yeah – like that.  Only, it was one 18 year-old child and I didn’t have my fun pink underwear on yet.

My son stood outside my bathroom, “Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“When are you going to do laundry?”

“Half an hour – why?”

Now, I was seriously thinking that because he was up so early maybe he had contracted my bug, OR, actually wanted to come with me.

No.

“Can you wake me up when you get back?”

really

Sigh.

He retreated to his wing of the house and I brushed my teeth and stepped on the scale.

Tangent.

I’m thin.  I lost weight sensibly and over time and when I quit drinking, the rest of the weight slid off.

I did notice in one of the photos I had taken with Lisa however, that I looked too thin.

I brought it up to my mom yesterday who mentioned that she had been noticing and when my ‘skinny’ jeans are baggy it might mean I have lost too much weight.

They are baggy.

I eat!  I do!  I love food!

I think the method I used for losing the weight has stuck with me though.  I only eat when I’m hungry.  I don’t believe in Breakfast ‘time’, lunch ‘time’, dinner ‘time’ – I eat whenever I want and stop when I’m full.

Sometimes I eat like a hobbit and have second or third breakfasts – sometimes I only want my lunch all day.  I listen to my body.

Pretty simple.

But yesterday I forced a meal down because I don’t want my skinny jeans to be baggy.

So I’m on the scale – and I’ve lost 2 pounds.  I don’t know where they went!  I’ve been stuffing my face with holiday food – I’ve had two friends take me to lunch (Thank you Ruth and Lisa) and been digging in to the sweets that were in my Christmas stocking.

Seriously – how am I now 5’9 (and a half) and 125 lbs?!

It bothers me.

I do not have an eating disorder, but the thought of eating just for the sake of gaining weight – of forcing food down that I am not hungry for … is repulsive to me.  (Says the girl who ordered Foie Gras)

Food should be savored – appreciated – enjoyed!

I would say I’ll snack more – but I already do that!

During the week I constantly have food in my mouth – it’s become an office joke.

Anyway – so I need to gain weight.

Back to Nic and the fact that he was not offering to come to the laundromat with me.

I got a Barnes and Noble gift card for Christmas – and I think one of the books that I am going to have to buy is “The Little Red Hen”.  I think that book should be mandatory reading for everyone. Period.

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If you don’t contribute, you don’t get to enjoy the outcome.

You want to enjoy living in a clean house?  Help clean it.  You want clean clothes to wear?  Help clean them.  You want a happy life?  Put positive things into it.

Which, brings me to one of the things I plan on ‘resolving’ to do for the New Year.

Less bitching.

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I’m going to find my positive energy again.  The power of positivity juxtaposed with my inability to edit myself may prove to be a problem, but I don’t expect results over night.

Perhaps if I constantly have food in my mouth, I won’t be able to gripe?  Two birds, one stone.

Paris with a friend

We met very near the chandeliers we had joked about.  I had just given my car over to valet and entered the Paris Las Vegas when there she was.   My best friend.

Timing couldn’t have been better, and given the sea of people, nothing short of a miracle that we found each other at all.

Rewind to Christmas.

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Santa brought me a cold/flu of some sort.  Wasn’t that nice?  I got through the day, and kept a smile on my face – but the day afterwards, I stayed in bed.

I never do that.

Crawl onto the couch when I’m feeling under the weather – yes.  Stay in bed all day?  Nope.

I had no choice.  My head felt like I had angry bees with sledge hammers in it.  Someone must have also sneaked Rice Crispies into my sinuses and ears.

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I was SO determined not to miss my lunch date on Friday that I let my fever run. (We have fevers for a reason no?  The body’s way of fighting whatever has invaded our body?)  I hydrated and coughed and even had that sexy gravely voice.  Joking aside, I haven’t felt that rotten in years, and I was starting to fear I would miss seeing my friend for our annual get together.

I had posted my status on Facebook – to which my friend’s mom commented: Don’t get Lisa sick!

That made me smile – such a mom thing to say – and if my fever hadn’t broken, I would not have taken the chance of doing just that.

But break it did!

I still felt about 40% of my usual self, but excitement cloaked my lack of physical energy with a mental enthusiasm.

Off to Vegas I went.

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The red roped entrance to the only way you can get to the restaurant is manned by a very well dressed secret service looking gentleman – with an earpiece and shiny badge.

Lisa advised we had reservations and we were escorted to the elevator.

It wasn’t until the doors closed and we began our ascent, that Lisa joked “I hope you’re not afraid of heights.”

I am.

But I was still cloaked in excitement – and impervious to such phobias in that moment.

The elevator stopped – doors opened and …

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“Are we on the right floor?”

We were.  This is the first thing you see!

Lisa and I are huge chef/food fans.  If they had said we could sit in the kitchen, I’m sure we both would have leapt at the chance.

But then we would have missed the amazing table we were seated at.

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The very right side corner in the top of the above picture was to be our spot.

The bottom photo shows an advertisement for the restaurant – which, also happens to be our table.

Best seat in the house.

Directly across from the Bellagio fountains.

We were brought menus that weren’t read for a while – too much to talk about!

But hunger won out.  We decided to start with appetizers, well, an appetizer and an entree that we decided would also be an appetizer.

Our drinks arrived first – I had the most amazing concoction … Cucumber Lemonade.

Who thought that up?  I’m glad they did.

Bread and then a tiny vessel (I’m sure it has a proper name) of cauliflower puree with rice cracker seed ‘balls’ was placed in front of us.

It was like cauliflower pudding. Cold and adorable and delicious!

The appetizers followed – Cold Foie Gras Torchon (Duck prosciutto, fig compote, Brioche) and an Assortment of French Cheese (with Walnut Raisin Bread and Apricot Chutney.)

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I was leery of the fig compote – I’m not a fig fan.  But I was absolutely going to try everything!   I’m SO glad I did.  It was incredible!

(Lisa made me eat my micro greens too.)

More chatting – catching up … the staff kept coming by but I wasn’t letting the food go.  I know neither of us wanted to rush the time together, but I also didn’t want to rush the culinary experience!  I was determined to savor each bite.

Eventually we let them take the plates (not without me asking for the remains to be placed in a box that would come with me.)

Entrees.

I had the Baked Crepes.  Filled with Artichokes, Roasted Tomato Coulis and Basil.

Lisa ordered the Aged Parmesan Crusted Chicken.  Potato Gratin and Vegetables shared the plate with that.

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Every bite was delicious – and yes, I made it over to Lisa’s plate too.

There was nothing to box from the entrees.  Plates were cleaned.

More chatting – and the fountains had started doing their fountainy thing.

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You can imagine, there was so much to look at and so much to talk about – but we did eventually get around to dessert.

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The Creme Brulee and Triple Chocolate Cake with Creme Fraiche.

The cake was deceiving – it looked like fudge!  Seemed as if it would be dense, but our forks slipped right through and how they made all that chocolate so light and airy had to be some molecular gastronomy trick.

I had been escorted to the bathroom earlier (Yes, it was ‘that’ kind of fancy – “Pardon me, where are your bathrooms?”  “May I show you?”  Why yes, yes you may.) and told Lisa we had  to go back before we left.

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So after reluctantly prying ourselves away from the table – we went to freshen up and of course, take some photos.

We took ‘selfies’ to a new level at the fancy vanity.

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Oh, and the top left was while we were waiting for our table, and the top right was taken by our very sweet bus boy.

We definitely needed to walk some of that lunch off – so we almost made it to the elevator when I remembered my cardigan was on the back of my chair.  Retrieved that and past the kitchen we went – glancing longingly at the behind the scenes action – then down the Eiffel Tower into the belly of the Casino.

We walked outside for a bit – then back inside to explore Paris.

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It was getting late in the afternoon – I live in a different time zone and knew I still had to navigate the Vegas roads to find my way to a Freeway I was familiar with before the sun got any lower in the sky.

(That’s a whole other post – Vegas drivers are bonkers!  I was shaking at one point – with people taking the 75 mph signs as a minimum, not a limit.  Barreling down on me, as I squinted at upcoming signs to watch for my exit – which, I missed.  I learned a) I’m pretty sure I need glasses and b) If I ever do win the lottery, I’m hiring a driver for long trips on scary fast roads!)

Tangent over – let’s get to the difficult part.

Goodbyes are hard.

Lisa stood with me in Valet – and for some time after I had my car and was trying to merge into the exit lane.  This became comical as she stood beside my car on the sidewalk as cycle after cycle of green/red lights afforded me only inches of movement.

I finally turned onto the strip and looked over my shoulder to see her in the crowd – but could not.

Giant sigh – sad heart.

We talk almost everyday – she knows everything there is to know about me.  The good the bad – and the things we only ever tell one person.  And considering how willing to share I am, you know those things are deep and very private.

She makes me laugh, she knows my likes and dislikes, my hopes and dreams – and she encourages them or brings me back to reality – depending on the situation.

And yet, I only get to see her once a year.

And I was not going to let a fever take this day away.

I feel a little silly – my eyes watering while I type those words.  I just miss her you know? 

I miss my friend.

And I’m so glad I got to share such an amazing experience with her.

So until next year – I love you Lisa.  And thank you for crossing one of my bucket list items off.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Christmas Eve.

Nic asked me to wake him up this morning, so before I left for work I did just that and was rewarded with a tired hug.

For a moment – a fleeting moment – as I looked at his sleepy face and disheveled hair, I saw my boy.

It’s so odd.

So different.

Gone are the Christmas Eves peppered with ‘Can I open just one??’

Gone are the cookies and milk for Santa.

No more waiting for him to be asleep before tip toeing to his stocking.

No more biting carrots for reindeer and leaving remnants on the porch.

No more sprinkling glitter by a fireplace – leaving footprints in the carpet.

I miss that.

I miss wrapping Lego and Pokemon.

I miss small pajamas.

I miss the smell of his freshly washed hair – of “1,2, threeeee!” As I picked him up, wrapped in an impossibly big towel, out of the tub.

I miss story time and his heavy lids – minty yawns and ‘See you in the morning!’

Today I miss my boy.

But am oh so grateful for the young man who is my son this Christmas Eve.

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‘Twas 2 Nights Before Christmas

There is a lot of stirring in the house …

My son is taking apart his Xbox controller – he started out with confidence then I heard from my bedroom him asking google “How to take apart an Xbox controller.” Which sent me into a fit of laughter, followed by a snarky retort from the other room.

I received some chocolate from my boss today … either I’ve just been SO sweet all year, or I’ve given the impression my desires for candy can only be quelled by 5lbs of it?

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In other news – I’m going to Paris to meet my best friend.

Okay – so it’s this one:

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We will be lunching this week.

I’m so very excited!

It occurred to me, after we decided to meet in the lobby, that it’s a big place!  And they might even have more than one lobby.

Now, (are you sitting down?) I don’t have a cell phone.

So, once I’m in transit, there will be no way to communicate.  No calls from the meeting place saying “I’m in the green chair next to the Parisian table.”

Time was decided upon, place – then I suggested we google the lobby and see where to meet.

My first email after we searched:

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Thought I was pretty funny – but, she topped me:

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This is why we’re friends.

Maybe I could just take the candy bar with me?  There’s no way she could miss me.