Category Archives: Musings from the laundromat
Musings from the laundromat – Unapologetic edition
A friend asked me what was going on and how was I feeling this morning – he said “Your blog post was a big downer …”
My first reaction to that was that today’s post needed to be a super upbeat, a “I’m SO grateful, joyous” positive post to make up for yesterdays sad one.
But I am not going to do that.
I get tired of apologizing for being human.
I have said before and I’ll say it again, I really don’t tend to edit myself. Ask me a question, I’ll answer it. You know where you stand with me.
This bleeds over to my blog. I keep identities secret, but not my feelings. And I’m not about to start now.
I received an instant message from a dear friend of mine last night after I published Dirt and destiny, and we typed back and forth and I sat there, on my porch, and I cried.
It felt SO good and was just what I needed.
Not maudlin, not sobbing, not gut wrenching ‘why me’ – ‘poor me’ crying … just, cleansing tears.
Acknowledging that I was sad and scared and unsure. Letting a long week out onto my cheeks.
She said just the right things. Things I needed to hear. That it was okay to want things for myself sometimes too. To consider myself. That I deserve to be happy.
I fight this.
I find myself constantly trying to make amends for my past by not allowing the notion that I could deserve to be happy to blossom.
I should clarify – I AM ‘happy’ … we are speaking of ‘happy-ever-after’ happy.
Once you have come to the above conclusion – once you have found what and who you want, you recognize that there are only so many tomorrows. And maybe there isn’t even another ‘tomorrow’.
I’ve also been taught that if there is nothing you can do – do the next right thing. So, I’ve been to the laundromat, washed the dog – and after this post I’ll clean and find time to rest.
I’ll read one of the books I’m currently reading and breath.
I tend to succeed in pushing through tough times. And when I’m uncertain or worried, I find the light and grow through it.
I also have to remember, that my imagination amplifies every situation. I have to decide how to feel. And in the end, I always choose happy.
Musings from the laundromat – Fathers Day edition
There are more men here today than usual. I look at them, and wonder – ‘are you a father?’.
One man in particular was checking his phone as I stood next to him at the washing machines, my overactive imagination had him being disappointed that he had not received a text from his children.
Probably he was just checking the time. But, not in my mind.
We have a couple of patrons that I would love to talk to – first, The Man Under the Rainbow Umbrella.
In person, he looks the sort to still use a cloth handkerchief. I imagine him refolding the newspaper he’s reading before he leaves. Taking it home and placing it in the same spot his Sunday newspaper has been set down for years.
Then he’ll carry his freshly cleaned items to his bedroom, sparsely decorated, and proceed to put them away.
He’s tidy. Efficient. Probably has his Sunday dinner decided upon when he shops for his weeks groceries.
Of course, now I’m noticing the small pink and white slippers on the table next to him and wondering, does he have an ill wife at home?
If so, I love him more. He’s doing the laundry and including her slippers. Bless his heart.
Our next patron is the mysterious Man of Mystery and Adventure.
He’s sporting an Indian Jones hat. And, no, that is NOT a purse hanging from his laundry cart. It’s his dusty satchel! Probably has a map in it. Yes it does. He feels safe carrying his documents with him into a small town laundromat. Of course, the jig is up, as I have spotted him. He doesn’t know how MUCH I know, but he knows I know.
There really are so very many men here today. Only 2 women … strange. Shouldn’t it have been that ratio on Mothers Day??
If you’re a dad, happy Fathers Day.
If you’re the father of daughters, treat women the way you would want your little girl to be treated – we notice that more. Be the man who takes the pink and white slippers to the laundromat.
Wishing you a day of love and appreciation.
Musings from the Laundromat – Giving and Receiving
First I’d like to thank Butters for only waking me up 4 times in the night.
Then, I would like to thank my weekend alarm (set when Nic was still a young school boy, you know … a few weeks ago) that went off at 2:16 am.
It had been set for something he was going to that I had to wake him up for. What was it?? … I can’t think of it.
Anyway, in trying to turn off said alarm, I:
1) woke the rare sleeping dog
2) knocked my phone off of the nightstand, and
3) sent my glass of kiwi-watermelon drink flying – only to land in between the bed and the wall. A nice tight space for cleaning up.
I don’t know if that is the actual flavor by the way … I’m guessing based on the portion of my carpet that is now a lovely kiwi-watermelon color.
Heard my son up several times in the night too – and when I left the house this morning, he was rocking moves like Jagger.
A sleeping Jagger, but moving like him none the less.
Speaking of moves, yesterday I modeled a dress for a good cause. CASA is a program that benefits abused and neglected children in the area.
It was a lot of fun to meet the other models and attendees.
It was also a little hilarious to be half-naked getting ready in a room closed off from the event, whilst facing a huge, wall sized window facing the river.
I don’t think any of us really cared. The people going by on their jet skis probably were going by too fast to notice. (Not sure about the people on the beach.)
I noticed some things though.
I noticed that I didn’t have the fears I had in my 20’s or 30’s to stand in a slip and a bra in public view.
And I noticed that I thought the other ladies, in all shapes and sizes were beautiful. Just as they were.
They were even more beautiful to me because of why they were there. Women giving their time, wanting to do what they could to help such an amazing non-profit organization.
I refer to my growth again as a lot of things are changing. 44 has been pretty amazing so far.
It’s so wonderful to be comfortable in my skin, comfortable in my head and full of hope and joy and promise.
Life is amazing. And if you’re patient enough, and do the next right thing, it turns out life has gifts you didn’t even know were coming.
I’m still processing this.
But, as someone very special to me said recently, it is nice to sometimes receive after all the time we gave.
Yet, I can never forget that there is nothing worth receiving unless I keep giving.
Awake
My usual ‘Musings from the Laundromat’ will be written from home, as they’re not open yet.
I’ve been up since just before 5 O’Clock thanks to Butters, my restless bedroom companion. 3 times last night she wanted to go outside … just to bark at something and hang out on the porch. And that was a good night.
So here I am, sleepy, but happy and trying to find the words to describe the past week. I’m not sure I can.
‘Awake’ is a good start.
Haven’t been sleeping much … but the way I see it, if I’m blessed to be very old one day, I’ll look back and smile at experiences, not the time I spent asleep.
Besides, my mind is wide awake. As is my heart is and my soul.
A series of connections and coincidences keep occurring.
It is as if all the intangibles that have made me who I am, ancestry, music, beliefs, memories, words I’ve read, places I’ve been – have found their counterpoint.
I’ve always liked to think that when I experience Déjà vu it is a sign that I am right where I am meant to be. But I have not experienced anything like this past week before.
No sense that something has happened before, only that it was meant to.
There is such good …
I find myself from time to time almost pleading Earths case to God.
I’ll share with you my nightly prayers. I always say “Thank you.” I always end with “God bless all those in my heart, on my mind and in the world, Amen.”
The meat of my prayers is usually me asking for guidance – praying for strength in areas I’m lacking.
Sometimes I pray for more patience, the increased ability to love – to be tolerant. I pray to know which path I should be taking.
When it’s a particularly sad news day though, when atrocities have been committed and we’re made aware of them – I don my humankind legal defense cap.
As if God doesn’t already know, I plead “God, there is such GOOD in the world too.” As if I’m afraid he’s going to shut the whole event down because of evil.
I have a favorite quote, by W.H. Auden.
“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table …”
I love that quote. I love how the words feel coming out of my mouth – how the thought provokes – the simple eloquence of it.
And it, for me, is truth.
I watched a documentary this morning called “Hitlers Children.” (If you have Netflix, it’s a streamable selection. )
One particular storyline resonated with me.
It was that of Rainer Hoess – grandson of Rudolf Hoess.
He looked at photographs of his father standing in the garden of the family home on the grounds of Auschwitz. Other photos showed his grandfather in that same back yard.
Later in the documentary, he took a trip to Auschwitz – his first one.
One of the questions he pondered, while staring at a photo of his father standing by the garden gate was, how could they not have known – not have seen?
He was afforded entry into that same garden and stood at that very garden gate. The house was cleverly designed with no views of the crematorium – textured glass windows on the side of the house that might let some truth in.
The garden itself was surrounded by tall walls, offering only a glimpse of outlying buildings.
I wondered what it must have felt like to stand in that location. To know that your lineage included a monster. I didn’t need to wonder for long – when Rainer lost his composure, I did too. I wept on the couch with this man who was riddled with guilt for a crime against humanity that he couldn’t possibly have anything to do with.
During the tour, he agreed to speak to a group. He was nervous – understandably. At one point, a holocaust survivor, from that camp, wanted to shake his hand.
My already wet cheeks were wet anew when this old man took his hand and told him, ‘you didn’t do this.’
They hugged and my heart wanted to burst.
There is good.
There is good everywhere if you look for it – take time to avert your eyes from your problems and worries and choose to see it!
On a personal note, I have a friend, who takes care of not only her grandchildren – but her bed ridden mother and her disabled brother and reached out to ME to offer ME help to send my son to England! She is the epitome of selflessness to me.
She smiles and though she gets tired, she’s happy and grateful and is of service to others.
GOD! There is SUCH good.
I’ll be praying tonight to be a part of that good.
Debauchery Soup 