Category Archives: Motherhood
Broken or evil?
In the news was a story about a missing 10-year-old girl. The news now tells us that a seventeen year old boy has been arrested in connection to the abduction and murder of that little girl.
The teens mother called the police and he turned himself in. I know in my head and my soul that was the right thing for her to do, but for the life of me – can not imagine or begin to fathom her pain!
It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by W.H. Auden
“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table”.
I then think of the definition of evil. Profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity, esp. when regarded as a supernatural force.
Are people who commit murder evil? Or are they ill? I’m not talking about self-defense, I’m talking about taking someones life intentionally for no apparent justifiable reason.
Each one of us is capable of murder. But we’re wired to NOT.
So what is happening when there’s nothing in your head, heart or soul that shouts “NO!” And what must it be like to go through life that way?
I’m not excusing, justifying or siding with murderers, please don’t get me wrong!
But I struggle with this. If someone is born without the ability to understand right from wrong, void of the ability to empathize or sympathize and is capable of taking someones life – aren’t they too victims? Wired differently – from birth.
It boggles my mind.
When I’m in public, especially a large chain store – I wonder who just smiled at me, who just brushed past me. I passively interact with hundreds of people, and among them, statistics dictate there MUST be a sampling of child molesters, rapists, murderers … that man who held the door open for me, does he go home and beat his wife?
I drive to work and see children waiting at various bus stops to go to school and wonder which ones didn’t sleep well the night before due to abuse in the house.
Bullies. Well, of course I hated them as a child. But I know now they’re projecting their own pain onto others.
There’s just so much more than meets the eye. Definitely a topic I probably shouldn’t dwell too much on. But I am fascinated by human behavior.
What courage it took for that mother to turn her son in. I don’t know if I could have done that. I think a part of me would be in such denial – my first instinct would probably be to want to grab my ‘baby’ and run! Run away with him and try to make him well!
She did the right thing.
My heart aches for that little 10-year-old girl and her family.
My heart aches for the confessed murders family.
But is it wrong that my heart also aches for that 17-year-old who can never undo the life changing horror he committed?
The wrath of a woman with a cold (and too out of it to think of anything clever to rhyme with ‘scorned’)
I have a bug. Not sure what strain and don’t really care. Yesterday it manifested as a sore throat and a sleepless night. This morning, I was very tempted to call in sick.
I have never called in sick since I’ve been at my current place of employment. I have literally even gone to the emergency room and come BACK to work.
When I did call in sick at my other places of employment, it was usually because my son was sick and too young to be sick alone.
I also remembered I had a customer coming in at 9 a.m. SO! I ‘manned’ up. Got dressed, put what passed as a happy healthy face on and went to work.
Mini-tangent: Why do they call it ‘manning up’? Really. Isn’t it us women who soldier though our days with minimal complaint?
Well, not today baby. By the time I got to work, I was dizzy, achy, had a headache that wouldn’t quit and the thought of food was so vile I actually only packed some salted tortilla chips and 3 clementines for lunch.
I sent an email to my manager requesting to leave early after I handled the urgent items on my desk.
No reply.
Hmph.
After the customer left my head was now spinning. I was seriously reconsidering the joys of having a swivel chair.
At about 12:30, the male loan officer in the office got the brunt of my pent-up sickly frustration.
“Have I EVER called in? I feel like I don’t EXIST! And WHAT is that in my inbox?” He gingerly withdrew the item and in a small voice asked “well, what do you have going on work wise?” I think I gaped. I picked my jaw off of the floor and with watery eyes retorted with “Does it matter?! Next time I’m just calling in!” He backed away slowly with “you exist to me …”
I sat feeling very silly and a little sorry for myself and as touched as I could muster up by his comment. I apologized and we agreed that not feeling well definitely amplifies frustration.
He generously offered that I should go home and rest so that I would ‘be better for tomorrow’.
Sigh.
I get home and crawl on the couch, mindful of the clock and the fact that I had an hour and a half before my son came home from school.
Nodded off after about 45 minutes of whimpering and was awakened by a stream of sunlight hitting me in the face. I felt like a vampire for a split second – but did not combust. The heat I felt after the front door closed was a fun new symptom – little fever.
In walks my son. Does he ask why I’m home? No. He grabs the remote and quietly says, (like he’s doing me a favor) “I’m just going to do what I normally do.” Cartoons are now in my aching ear – and he plops down at the computer.
I give up. I decide we’re having an early dinner – which I know I have to make. I do the dishes that I know I have to do – and with all the maturity of a 43-year-old mom, I stomp off to my room to curl into a little sick ball. Came out once to hear “what is the dog barking at?”
“I don’t know,” I snapped “Let me check shall I?”
Was pretty close to tears at that point – but that would have pushed me dangerously over the edge into ‘man cold’ territory.
I have T-minus 13 hours to make a miraculous recovery. When my ears stop ringing, I’ll go find my cape.
The ‘ever after’ hair.
I remember when I was pregnant reading books and getting advice about newborns. What to do if a baby is unhappy, uncomfortable or crying – check if it’s hungry, wet, tired etc. and someone told me, ‘it could be as simple as a hair wrapped around its toe’.
Holy cow, I thought, that’s going to be hard to find!
I’m a little off lately, and I’m looking for the source.
Spiritual hair in place. Gratitude hair combed. Not hungry, not wet – a little tired.
What IS it then??
I’ve grown so much in the past few years and have never felt more comfortable in my skin. But something is amiss.
Thought maybe it was a need for companionship, but after watching ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ last night I was reminded that wasn’t it when Julia Roberts uttered the same words that I did almost three years ago. “I don’t want to be married”.
OK, so is it financial worries? No, not really. Money comes and goes. I have enough and know what’s important. Certainly not ‘things’. I have shelter and food. I’m good.
My friend cup is over flowing, so it’s not that either.
I think a little part of me feels stagnant. Every day is wonderful, don’t get me wrong – but I do feel like I’m really not going anywhere.
I used to think it wasn’t OK to look toward the future – I had to stay in the moment. I know I don’t want to be in the desert, working full-time and living paycheck to paycheck if I’m blessed to make it to old age, so really I probably should look ahead.
I have to put faith into action and dream a little. Where do I want to be in 5 years? 10? It’s not just going to magically happen.
I think that’s my hair. I will be alone in a few years and am not sure how to achieve my ‘ever after’.
My son will be living his life and enjoying his young adulthood (God willing) – and for once, I’m going to have to address my needs. I’m really not used to doing that and to be honest, I’m uncomfortable putting myself first.
I still have time to think about that – but my happy ending clock is ticking. I’d better figure out how I want my story to end because it’s not going to write itself!
Love and minecraft
I’m being weaned off of my son. I have a relationship with the back of his head, and occasionally catch sight of him in the fridge.
I go into his room and try to watch him play whatever Xbox 360 game he’s playing at the time, but I have no clue what he’s doing! In a desperate attempt to relate I’ll even post this pic, but I have no idea what an ‘Enderman’ is.
He get’s to talk to his friends on a headset, so even when he’s cruising through the kitchen on his way to the computer, he’s still in a conversation with someone.
If he didn’t have great grades, I’d pull the plug.
ANYWAY, none of this is getting me to my point any faster.
The other night I found myself a little lonely and bored. And I thought, oh no! What is it going to be like when he’s in college/working/out of the house?!
Let me clear something up – I am single. I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I feel a lot more serene when I’m not in a relationship. I was pretty sure I’d be living the rest of my life this way, and I was ok with that.
I have an 83-year-old friend who said the other day something about not having a girlfriend. My imagination, as it invariably does, pictured him getting all gussied up for a lunch date – butterflies in his stomach and thought, AWWWW! That’s so CUTE!
So if I ever change my mind I guess it’s never too late.
I watch romantic movies and tear up – doesn’t everyone want that companionship, that ‘true love’? I didn’t think I did. I want to want someone – not need them. That whole ‘you complete me’ Jerry McGuire line makes me shudder. I want to be complete and offer that to someone who is also complete.
But there are things I miss. Something as simple as a hug. Or spooning with someone – laughing with them. Sharing your day – just … being touched. Physically, emotionally touched.
I stopped by a gas station after work yesterday and an older gentleman asked me how I was. I told him ‘Good, thanks!’ He replied with a little twinkle in his eye, ‘You look good’.
“Aw, thanks!” I said – and meant it. He made my day. It’s nice to be noticed. Not in a ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ vain way – but for someone to just … notice.
So I’m reconsidering the 30 cats I was maybe going to adopt. I’m certainly not looking, but maybe the guy for me IS actually out there somewhere. Who knows?
So here’s some prerequisites:
Must have a job or a dream he’s actually working to realize.
Must have a sense of humor.
Must be confident and positive most of the time.
Must love animals.
Must love kids.
Must love music – all genres.
Must have his own interests!
Must respect and encourage my interests.
Must leave me alone when I’m reading/writing.
Must not be needy.
Must adore me and cherish me.
Must be adored and cherished back.
Must not be racist, homophobic or an arsehole.
Must be kind to others.
Must be open-minded.
Must be somewhat eclectic and a little bananas. 🙂
If he knows how to fix cars and/or cook – then that’s a huge bonus. LOL!
I’m not a groupie!
Was that eye-catching enough?
Been thinking lately about passion.
My son and I had a chat about this. His plan for after graduation was to pursue higher education in the culinary field. I know he has an interest in food (for sure I know this lol) and also in cooking – but not in the way that he’s constantly in the kitchen, or watching cooking shows, or looking up chefs and restaurants on the internet.
I pointed this out to him and have previously pointed out that you don’t just suddenly become a Chef – master of your own kitchen and restaurant. There’s hard work involved and you start from the bottom and work your way up.
You have to LOVE what you’re doing. You’re going to be cooking the same dishes over and over and over, in a hot, busy, noisy kitchen.
He wasn’t sure what else he had a talent for or an interest in, until I pointed out the fact that there is one constant in his life lately that he seems to also enjoy. Photography.
We’ll see where that goes, but I had already been thinking about passion and this only served to bring on more pondering.
What is my passion?
I’m not sure. I know what I like to do.
I know I’m pretty good at a few things, but by no means do I excel in anything that I’m aware of.
I like to write. I like to draw. I like to paint. I like to sing. I like to take photographs. But I’m really not GREAT at any of those things.
If someone came to me and said ‘Debauch,’ (ok, we’ve established my name is Amanda in my first post, I suppose it’s alright to use it).
Rewind, they start over and come to me and say, ‘Amanda, you no longer have to worry about earning money. Your rent, food, utilities and car are covered. Go and pursue your passion!’
I would have no clue what I would do!
I titled this post ‘I’m not a groupie’ for a reason. I have a few – OK, several ex’s that were in bands.
Yes, it’s exciting to be at a show, yes, it is kind of cool to be the singer/drummer/bass players girlfriend. BUT! That wasn’t what drew me to any of them.
Other than my passion for music, I’m drawn to people who pursue their dreams.
Drive, ambition, hard work and gratitude for whatever fruit is born from that. Yup.
For me, there’s nothing sexier than someone who not only shows an interest in something, but has the tenacity to develop their talent and then not only work hard to chase their dream but to MAKE IT HAPPEN? Holy cow. THAT is a turn on.
It says a lot about a person who knows who they are, what they want and has the courage and drive to achieve it.
Whatever ‘it’ is. Doesn’t have to be music.
I’m not a groupie, I’m a ‘dream chaser connoisseur’.
I had a great opportunity this Summer to meet the Gin Blossoms singer Robin Wilson.
Watch any live video of him on YouTube and you’ll see a man who loves what he does and loves interacting with his fans.
I told him this. I mentioned how amazing it was to see him enjoying his show.
He told me that he really does love what he does and still has fun doing it.
He went on to share some of his inspirations with me. Some were other frontmen who enjoy what they do as much as he does. It really comes through in the performance you know.
No matter what you do – enthusiasm for it, comes through in the performance.
I think right now in my life, my passion may be learning? Growing spiritually and making connections. If I didn’t have to work – if I had an all access pass to pursue a passion … I think I’d grab my son and hit the road.
I’d show him some of the countries I’ve had the honor of visiting.
I would want to return to India – show him how happy some of the poorest communities are because they are grateful.
I would want to return to France and Italy and Greece and show him art and architecture.
I would want to return to Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iran and show him what it’s like to live in surrounded by unrest and fear.
I would do those things, and take photographs and write about it here.
I think I found it.
My passion is all of the things I don’t do perfectly, but love doing. ♥
Being a mom, a student, a teacher – immersing myself in other cultures and beliefs – and sharing that.
And, if we hit a few concerts on the way? Just remember – I’m not a groupie!
Debauchery Soup 