I remember when I was pregnant reading books and getting advice about newborns. What to do if a baby is unhappy, uncomfortable or crying – check if it’s hungry, wet, tired etc. and someone told me, ‘it could be as simple as a hair wrapped around its toe’.
Holy cow, I thought, that’s going to be hard to find!
I’m a little off lately, and I’m looking for the source.
Spiritual hair in place. Gratitude hair combed. Not hungry, not wet – a little tired.
What IS it then??
I’ve grown so much in the past few years and have never felt more comfortable in my skin. But something is amiss.
Thought maybe it was a need for companionship, but after watching ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ last night I was reminded that wasn’t it when Julia Roberts uttered the same words that I did almost three years ago. “I don’t want to be married”.
OK, so is it financial worries? No, not really. Money comes and goes. I have enough and know what’s important. Certainly not ‘things’. I have shelter and food. I’m good.
My friend cup is over flowing, so it’s not that either.
I think a little part of me feels stagnant. Every day is wonderful, don’t get me wrong – but I do feel like I’m really not going anywhere.
I used to think it wasn’t OK to look toward the future – I had to stay in the moment. I know I don’t want to be in the desert, working full-time and living paycheck to paycheck if I’m blessed to make it to old age, so really I probably should look ahead.
I have to put faith into action and dream a little. Where do I want to be in 5 years? 10? It’s not just going to magically happen.
I think that’s my hair. I will be alone in a few years and am not sure how to achieve my ‘ever after’.
My son will be living his life and enjoying his young adulthood (God willing) – and for once, I’m going to have to address my needs. I’m really not used to doing that and to be honest, I’m uncomfortable putting myself first.
I still have time to think about that – but my happy ending clock is ticking. I’d better figure out how I want my story to end because it’s not going to write itself!