The thing about blogging on any consistent basis – is you end up with something akin to a journal that anyone can read.

Good days and bad – you’re basically reading my diary.

That’s fine by me – but I find it a little eye-roll worthy sometimes when I’ve had a bad day, to read a previous very upbeat post.

If you find your eyes rolling with mine, just know that at that moment, when I’m typing, every fiber of who I am and what I feel and know to be true is being transcribed upon the screen through my fingers.

No one can be completely happy and upbeat ALL the time.  “Even the best of souls”  which, is what I heard last night when I stumbled upon ‘Lark Rise to Candleford’.  I’ve only seen one episode, so to any devout fans reading this, my apologies.

Dawn French’s character, Caroline Arless, had returned from a stay somewhere, with new resolve.  She was going to watch her mouth, keep her skirts down (that cracked me up) be grateful and humble.  I saw myself in her immediately.  And my lips twitched into a smile watching her exuberance for her metamorphosis.

As she was telling this to a woman who, it seemed had mastered those skills to some degree, the woman remarked (and I’m paraphrasing) that was a tall order ‘even for the best of souls’.

I thought of my day – I thought of my last post … the juxtaposition of the two not lost on me – and then, I thought of clowns.

Yesterday: I am sick again.  And for someone who never gets sick, this is getting annoying.  This is twice now in 3 months.

I woke up, watched a couple of movies in my bedroom and did something else I never do.  Went back to sleep.

I crawled out of my infirmary after 2 in the afternoon.  I had cleaning to do that night at the offices.

I really almost put it off until today – but needed to go into that neck of the woods anyway – and you know, two birds, one stone.

So I’m cleaning, and feeling rotten – and I’ve said some unkind things to Nic in the car on the way over.

Things that needed to be said, but did not meet the rule of three that I try to live by.

It goes a little something like this – Before you speak, ask yourself:

1. Is it kind?

2. Is it useful?

3. Is it true?

It was useful and true, but not kind.  And in my depleted state, I had no right venturing into conversations that required a positive attitude.

I poured my last energy into cleaning, while my head wouldn’t shut up about the things I’d said to Nic.  You know, I don’t know if it’s a bad thing that I realize I’m doing something wrong and still do it?  Or if it’s a good thing as I’m clearly growing and learning?

Then my mop broke.

(Insert Metaphors here)

Rust particles spilled onto the freshly vacuumed floor and tile.  

I did the best I could with a smaller, less absorbent mop.  Then, having decided I was as done as I could be, I excited the building.

It was then I noticed I had lost my car key.  I stomped back into the offices, accidentally set the building alarm off, then proceeded to stand in a door jamb crying my eyes out.

Nic came to me as I stood there, arms up, head buried, I could have been counting for ‘hide and go seek’.

I broke.  “I am tired!  I can’t do this!  The floors look horrible and I need help!  I don’t feel well!”  This was not about the floors.  Not just about the floors.  And we both knew it.

Still, I knew I couldn’t leave without being satisfied with my work – but I only had so much to work with. 

I tried again, with a new floor cleaning device, making the best of what I had, into something I was willing to leave for the night.

I had promised Chinese food.  Of course, thanks to my mouth, I had knocked any hunger Nic might have had for it right out of him.

He was still hungry, but his feelings weren’t in the mood for food.

We got it anyway and I tried to mend the wounds.

There’s still a heaviness in the air today – residue from yesterday.

Once again, I almost put off my chores in favor of staying in bed.  But I got up, and went to the laundromat.

This is when I thought of clowns.

I’ve never liked them.  For two reasons I think, one being the mask factor.  Hiding behind a facade … The other the impossible constant smile.

I’m funny and mostly happy, but I am not a clown.

No one can smile all the time – and no matter how often I remember that, I can’t seem to cut myself a break when I don’t feel like smiling.