Category Archives: Humor
The wrath of a woman with a cold (and too out of it to think of anything clever to rhyme with ‘scorned’)
I have a bug. Not sure what strain and don’t really care. Yesterday it manifested as a sore throat and a sleepless night. This morning, I was very tempted to call in sick.
I have never called in sick since I’ve been at my current place of employment. I have literally even gone to the emergency room and come BACK to work.
When I did call in sick at my other places of employment, it was usually because my son was sick and too young to be sick alone.
I also remembered I had a customer coming in at 9 a.m. SO! I ‘manned’ up. Got dressed, put what passed as a happy healthy face on and went to work.
Mini-tangent: Why do they call it ‘manning up’? Really. Isn’t it us women who soldier though our days with minimal complaint?
Well, not today baby. By the time I got to work, I was dizzy, achy, had a headache that wouldn’t quit and the thought of food was so vile I actually only packed some salted tortilla chips and 3 clementines for lunch.
I sent an email to my manager requesting to leave early after I handled the urgent items on my desk.
No reply.
Hmph.
After the customer left my head was now spinning. I was seriously reconsidering the joys of having a swivel chair.
At about 12:30, the male loan officer in the office got the brunt of my pent-up sickly frustration.
“Have I EVER called in? I feel like I don’t EXIST! And WHAT is that in my inbox?” He gingerly withdrew the item and in a small voice asked “well, what do you have going on work wise?” I think I gaped. I picked my jaw off of the floor and with watery eyes retorted with “Does it matter?! Next time I’m just calling in!” He backed away slowly with “you exist to me …”
I sat feeling very silly and a little sorry for myself and as touched as I could muster up by his comment. I apologized and we agreed that not feeling well definitely amplifies frustration.
He generously offered that I should go home and rest so that I would ‘be better for tomorrow’.
Sigh.
I get home and crawl on the couch, mindful of the clock and the fact that I had an hour and a half before my son came home from school.
Nodded off after about 45 minutes of whimpering and was awakened by a stream of sunlight hitting me in the face. I felt like a vampire for a split second – but did not combust. The heat I felt after the front door closed was a fun new symptom – little fever.
In walks my son. Does he ask why I’m home? No. He grabs the remote and quietly says, (like he’s doing me a favor) “I’m just going to do what I normally do.” Cartoons are now in my aching ear – and he plops down at the computer.
I give up. I decide we’re having an early dinner – which I know I have to make. I do the dishes that I know I have to do – and with all the maturity of a 43-year-old mom, I stomp off to my room to curl into a little sick ball. Came out once to hear “what is the dog barking at?”
“I don’t know,” I snapped “Let me check shall I?”
Was pretty close to tears at that point – but that would have pushed me dangerously over the edge into ‘man cold’ territory.
I have T-minus 13 hours to make a miraculous recovery. When my ears stop ringing, I’ll go find my cape.
Love and minecraft
I’m being weaned off of my son. I have a relationship with the back of his head, and occasionally catch sight of him in the fridge.
I go into his room and try to watch him play whatever Xbox 360 game he’s playing at the time, but I have no clue what he’s doing! In a desperate attempt to relate I’ll even post this pic, but I have no idea what an ‘Enderman’ is.
He get’s to talk to his friends on a headset, so even when he’s cruising through the kitchen on his way to the computer, he’s still in a conversation with someone.
If he didn’t have great grades, I’d pull the plug.
ANYWAY, none of this is getting me to my point any faster.
The other night I found myself a little lonely and bored. And I thought, oh no! What is it going to be like when he’s in college/working/out of the house?!
Let me clear something up – I am single. I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I feel a lot more serene when I’m not in a relationship. I was pretty sure I’d be living the rest of my life this way, and I was ok with that.
I have an 83-year-old friend who said the other day something about not having a girlfriend. My imagination, as it invariably does, pictured him getting all gussied up for a lunch date – butterflies in his stomach and thought, AWWWW! That’s so CUTE!
So if I ever change my mind I guess it’s never too late.
I watch romantic movies and tear up – doesn’t everyone want that companionship, that ‘true love’? I didn’t think I did. I want to want someone – not need them. That whole ‘you complete me’ Jerry McGuire line makes me shudder. I want to be complete and offer that to someone who is also complete.
But there are things I miss. Something as simple as a hug. Or spooning with someone – laughing with them. Sharing your day – just … being touched. Physically, emotionally touched.
I stopped by a gas station after work yesterday and an older gentleman asked me how I was. I told him ‘Good, thanks!’ He replied with a little twinkle in his eye, ‘You look good’.
“Aw, thanks!” I said – and meant it. He made my day. It’s nice to be noticed. Not in a ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ vain way – but for someone to just … notice.
So I’m reconsidering the 30 cats I was maybe going to adopt. I’m certainly not looking, but maybe the guy for me IS actually out there somewhere. Who knows?
So here’s some prerequisites:
Must have a job or a dream he’s actually working to realize.
Must have a sense of humor.
Must be confident and positive most of the time.
Must love animals.
Must love kids.
Must love music – all genres.
Must have his own interests!
Must respect and encourage my interests.
Must leave me alone when I’m reading/writing.
Must not be needy.
Must adore me and cherish me.
Must be adored and cherished back.
Must not be racist, homophobic or an arsehole.
Must be kind to others.
Must be open-minded.
Must be somewhat eclectic and a little bananas. 🙂
If he knows how to fix cars and/or cook – then that’s a huge bonus. LOL!
Forgot my brain today
I mentioned more than once today that probably I should run home and get my brain, because I forgot it at home.
I mean, a brain isn’t exactly like a number two pencil or staple remover – you can’t just borrow one from a co-worker.
I couldn’t remember how to do the most rudimentary of things! Does a VA loan have MI? Does it?? Gawd! I know this one! Does the subsequent use factor apply when it’s an IRRRL? (Interest Rate Reduction Refinance Loan). I’ve only been doing this line of work for 13 flipping years, I mean c’mon!
Embarrassing.
A loan officer asked me a question on another file and I gave him the panicked ‘are you kidding me?’ look and told him, ‘Hey … today is a one thing at a time day! I’ll scratch ‘multi-tasker’ off my resume later”.
I muddled through. Found some snack sized Almond Joy’s next door that helped me focus for a few scant moments. (Sure as hell remembered their jingle though didn’t I? I had “Almond Joys got nuts, Peter Paul Mounds don’t …” running repeatedly through my empty head).
Had several instances of staring blankly into space. (OK, that’s normal if I’m being completely honest, but usually that’s because I’m thinking of something else. I assure you there was NOTHING going on up there today!)
Wasn’t feeling 100% well, so that might have something to do with it – but honestly, I was a little concerned I’d come home to find I had actually left my brain at home and the dog got at it.
Probably if the dog ate my brain it wouldn’t affect my posts much, but work does actually require I bring it intact, I’ll have a look around for it later.
PostCartum depression
It’s back.
This should be me:
But this is how I’m really feeling:
I’ve decided I have ‘postcartum depression’.
I have not bonded with it. I have not named it. If I heard it honking in the night, I’d ignore it.
I’ve been hurt before you know … a ridiculous amount of mechanical issues with multiple cars. There’s only so much one auto heart can take!
I’m pretty sure I’m also suffering from post traumatic sticker shock.
She’s back from the shop and sitting out there, sans little scented visor tree. 😦 I did set her clock again – but really, is that enough?
It’s not her fault.
All I can think of is how much she’s costing me. I have no desire to rush out and find her fun seat covers to swaddle her in. No urge to find floor mats to gussy her up with. Not even the slightest interest in finding her a new steering wheel cover. None of the usual ‘I got a new car!’ behaviors.
I’m sure it will pass. We’ll bond eventually. Probably right after I make my last payment and right before she breaks down for good.
Paranormal Manatee Activity
For the past few nights my dog, much to my chagrin, has been pulling a ‘paranormal activity’ bed stare on me.
My dog’s name is Butters, she’s part manatee and part spastic ‘Courage the Cowardly Dog’. (See proof below)
PLUS
EQUALS
My son has had the past couple of days off for ‘Fall break’ (how generous of them, hope you enjoyed Fall Nic).
Anyway, I’ve been staying up past my bedtime of 9 pm because I knew I could hit the snooze button for a couple of days! PAR-TY! An hour more TV a night!
Plan seemed solid until 4 or 5 am came around.
My maternal instincts sensed a disturbance in the force. I awoke from a deep sleep to find Butters sitting, staring at me from the side of the bed.
You know that feeling when you have to pee in the middle in the night, but don’t want to wake ALL the way up because you want to be able to go back to sleep? So, if you’re anything like me, you try turning no lights on and keeping your eyes closed and go about your business?
Well, I got up in the darkness trying not to wake my brain all the way up by cursing the dog, and zombied out of my bedroom. Was she wagging anxiously at the front door? No. Just sitting in the middle of the living room. I booted her (gently) out and waited. That was night one.
Last night, same story – dog breath on my face – manatee lips dangerously close … just staring.
I get up, follow her out to the living room (this time she did want to go out), and even in my zombie mode, I could sense something.
Ever have your head gasket blow? That sweet smell? Yeah – that was in my living room.
(Cue the Twilight Zone theme song now).
So I’m wondering if there’s something more to her early morning activity. What if she was telling me a presence was there? I believe! I believe! I’ve actually seen with my own eyes proof of paranormal activity so I really do believe.
But, I was entirely too tired to care.
I left her out, left the front door open so she could get back in (might as well get a burglar and serial killer welcome mat while I’m at it) and went back to bed!
I won’t be setting up cameras. Not sure I want to see what I look like at 4 am walking around with my eyes closed in ‘I don’t want to wake all the way up’ mode.
Debauchery Soup 