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For The Longest Time

I’ve been under going a transformation. 

I won’t compare it to that of a caterpillar to a butterfly … but rather a snake shedding its skin.

Outgrowing my old, dull, scarred protective layer and using every muscle to pull free – brushing up against rough things to shed that final piece.

What has emerged is raw, sensitive, achingly new and wonderful.

I have a twinkle in my eye.  A secret smile.  A feeling of hope – and promise.

 

Taylor James

Taylor James

________________

I sat outside earlier and watched the last of the suns rays playing with the cloud cover … a breeze moved my long hair.  I was glad in that moment I had not decided to cut it.

Billy Joel drifted to me from a nearby houseI’m that voice you’re hearing in the hall …”  I exhaled – closed my eyes.  I felt in that moment, beautiful.

I felt that I was enough.

That I was awakening.

I haven’t been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart

I seem to have suddenly gone from ‘what will I be?’ to ‘I know just who I am.’  And the woman in me approves.

My inner goddess that craves touch – intimacy – interaction and laughter has been given the green-light by the cautious, anxious mother in me.

It’s my turn.

Now I know the woman that you are
You’re wonderful so far
And it’s more that I hoped for

I thought this newly emerged ‘me’ was my secret – but she’s not.  Others have noticed.  That I’m smiling more.  Laughing more.  Being bolder and have a glow to me.

I’m spending more time with friends – noticing the opposite sex.

I’m completely and delightfully aware that anything is possible.  And giving myself permission to explore that.

I don’t care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things

And I haven’t felt that for the longest time.

 

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“See you when I get back when you get back”

Every weekday.

6:00 a.m. Alarm goes off.

6:10 a.m. Take breakfast in to my sleeping teen.

6:15 a.m. Sit outside with my first cup of coffee and look up at the stars.  (Is that a satellite or a plane? What is that?)

6:30 a.m. Teen has eaten and arisen and is checking his Facebook with 10 minutes left to get ready for school.

6:40 a.m. I see my son out the backdoor, give him a quick hug and he says those words to me. “See you when I get back when you get back”.

I stand on the back porch and wave.  It’s dark outside, so I’m mostly waving at my sons shadowy outline – and it waves back.  When I can’t see him anymore I go into the house to grab another cup of coffee and watch some more news before getting ready.

7:00 a.m. Get ready myself.

I mentioned yesterday to a friend that I feel like I’m stuck in the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ lately.  And I do.  But, this morning routine I’ll keep.

This morning routine means.

6:00 a.m. I am still alive, and I have my hearing

6:10 a.m. We have food and my son is safe

6:15 a.m. Serenity

6:30 a.m. The electric and internet bill is paid

6:40 a.m. My son still hugs me, still talks to me …

7:00 a.m. Blessed to have a job to get ready for!