Musings from the Laundromat: Early Earfuls and Policing my Pocketbook edition.
It is entirely too early to ‘morning’. I dressed in the dark and gathered the laundry in spite of that.
Glaucoma man is Chatty Charlie again and I was just trying to form words that made sense in a sentence in response to him. Not that he was listening to my end of it. lol.
Last night there was a last-minute switch out, and I ended up getting the guest ticket to see Willie Nelson with my dad. I’m not a huge country fan, but if you get an opportunity to see a legend, you don’t pass it up.
So here I am, tired and wanting to be in my bed, not perched on a hard red laundromat seat.
All the regulars are here.
We acknowledge each other with a nod or a meaningful stare. It’s pretty funny.
If not for the people, I’d be completely over this whole laundromat thing. 5 years … 52 weeks per year – I’d switch over to my calculator application but I’m too tired to fuss with that. You get the point though. I’ve been here – a lot.
Glaucoma man just came over to chat some more.
He’s on a roll today. And now I hear him clearing his throat and sighing behind me.
Time to put the clothes in the dryers.
OK, in the time it took to do that transfer, glaucoma man covered the following topics: The flu, vaccinations, the lottery and anonymity. My ears are now awake.
They’re not sure how they feel about that, but they are in fact awake now.
My view is of a shopping center, but behind that, gorgeous mountains. Now my view is of glaucoma man.
He’s really making the rounds today.
He never has a lot of laundry by the way. A small bag of bits and pieces. Hardly seems worth the effort. But I’m pretty sure he comes less to launder and more to mingle.
I think we might as well do some sort of laundromat potluck. Have all the regulars bring a breakfast item and make a little buffet on the folding tables. It would get in the way of my musing, but I’d have a happy stomach – plus, glaucoma man’s mouth would be too full to talk 😉
Speaking of, I managed to put on 10 pounds over the holidays. I truly needed to. But that’s it – I’m not willing to gain anymore than that.
I look healthy now – which is ironic because the crap I consumed to gain those pounds was anything but healthy.
Just had a man tell me I need to guard my pocketbook a little more carefully. It’s hanging on the laundry cart behind me. He said he was in law enforcement for years. What he doesn’t know is anyone that took my ‘pocketbook’ (how quaint is that?) would be sorely disappointed.
I thanked him anyway and am now paranoid about said pocketbook.
I must guard it with my life and end my babbling.
I’ll tell glaucoma man you said “Hi.”
Shrugging ‘hope’ and holding onto positive
I had it all planned out.
My post was to be about ‘hope’. About how that’s how I’m feeling, hopeful.
Then I thought … Much as I used to use ‘anxious’ incorrectly (as a positive, i.e.: “I’m anxious about the party!” Thinking it meant a nervous excitement) I should probably look up ‘Hope.’
This is how I used to feel about it.
Then I read this:
I like the intransitive verb, but when I got to ‘expectation’ I faltered in my wanting to use ‘hope’ to define my current feeling. I ‘expect’ nothing. Nothing.
I also don’t wish to ‘obtain’ unless it’s good traits or good deeds. I DO cherish things – but not desires. I know the difference between ‘wanting’ and ‘needing’. I mean, we could dictionary the hell out of this word, but the bottom line, ‘hope’ lost it’s luster with me. So I was done there.
I sat, I pondered, I considered and then I looked up and took this photo instead. It’s a painting I did a few years ago and I love it so much. No, it’s not gallery worthy, lol, but it made me so … Happy!!!
And so, when I noticed the bird cage that hangs in my bedroom reflecting in the frame – I was then ecstatic!
By now, if you’re a follower, you know my affections for inanimate objects run a tad on the OCD side – so the cage door is ALWAYS left open.
I asked myself, how does this painting make you feel?
And I came up with … ‘Positive.’ Not in the ‘sure’ kind of way. Let’s go back to Merriam Webster shall we? (Yeah, we’re goin’ there.)
Yes! I want to feel ‘good’ I want to feel ‘useful’ I want to see good qualities in everyone. And I usually do. So, despite people who have called me pessimistic, nah, I’m not. I’m a realist. Who was almost homeless, who was almost dead – who has been through things I haven’t shared with the closest to me.
But today – I feel POSITIVE!
And I’m going to grab that, and keep that, and hold it tight.
Like a photo I never got to take, but know I saw.
THAT is how I see happy, and positive.
I can’t prove it to you, yet. But, in 2016 my words will convince you I have.
Appreciating life – and loving what is.
I am fully aware I will eventually lose everything I’ve got. I mean, we are all are terminal – we will all die. But have I taken people for granted? Absolutely.
But while we’re living, I’ve learned a few things.
Especially lately.
I grew in 2015.
I learned that something I held to be true for 25 years was myth.
I learned that I CAN heal quicker than I thought.
I learned that I am capable of SO many lows and still keep my head above circumstantial water and breathe.
I also learned, or rather – decided – everything does NOT happen for a reason.
Sometimes shite happens. Just … Because. Life is random. The chaos theory comes to mind. And I believe in that. Something happens and triggers something – also, if you’re positive or negative, you ARE dictating you day/life.
But more than often, life ‘happens’ as it should.
Sounds like I’m debasing my theory, but the bottom line is when someone takes an action, it causes another action. Not ‘meant to be.’ We have a choice. A choice how to react and that, in turn, results in an outcome in your head – in your life.
I have intentions of having mostly positive thoughts to attract positive things in 2016 – and no, that’s not a resolution, it’s a hope.
So, the fact that I’m typing this, still missing my mum and mourning my Nannie’s imminent passing is … I don’t know what it is.
I know I’ve also learned these things.
My dad is lost without my mum.
I’m trying so hard to be there. To do what my mum would want.
At the same time, I have my home, and my work week and I still have a son who needs me.
I’m so glad he needs me.
Not in the ‘I can’t live without you’ way, but – in the, ‘Show me how to ‘adult’ and help me with college way.
My gorgeous son.
So down to the ‘downer’ part.
One conversation with my mum, I’m not sharing more:
And every day it’s the same sort of conversation. How are YOU doing? How is Nannie doing? And it’s been a month w/out my Mum. And I so appreciate her and miss her and love her.
When I brought up what I HATED … I loved her response
Talk about positive.
I have a mother spending every day with my dying Nannie and still can appreciate the bulbs of flowers coming to fruition and knowing what is important.
Being there.
Just being there.
For the person she loves and who needs her.
And still has the energy to tell someone not to be jaded.
I have a new love for my mother.
I will not take anything for granted anymore.
I will love what I love and be who I am and live in the moment.
Because we all know (don’t we?) that today is a gift.
This morning, my gift was opening two eyes.
T’was the Day After Christmas …
CHRISTMAS DAY
Her absence was palpable at her home. There sat her husband, her daughter and her grandson – and it was Christmas Day. The one (me) who usually takes far too many photos on Christmas Day had an urgent need for SOMEONE to capture the three of us on film just sitting … the looks on our faces missing the magic that IS Christmas. And the quiet and awkward moment of us all missing her at once!! Because that picture would have captured the fierce, overwhelming importance of how we felt without her. And all I wanted for Christmas is for her to SEE how much she was. How much she means.
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The Night Before Christmas:
I removed my arse from my comfort zone and RSVP’d via my son to attend Christmas Eve at his girlfriends home. I wasn’t feeling festive, I wasn’t feeling social, (well, I never really feel social lol) BUT, but, I wanted my son and his girlfriend Chelsea to see that I love what they have and was willing to be ‘part of.’
So I went.
I had the best time. My son’s girlfriend’s parents were lovely – and welcoming and so down to earth.
We had thought about riding, ok, I had mentioned I would love to. (I grew up riding and Chels has horses.) But it was SO cold!
We did visit the horses though, and in an attempt to kiss her moms horse on the nose, I ended up in a nostril. Handsome moved. Lol.
We chatted, hung out, ate an amazing homemade lasagna and then presents. Nic made out like a bandit.
And, I received a gift from both Chelsea, and her parents.
The gift from Chels?
It’s burning right now – I love it so much.
I’m also so socially awkward that I’m ‘That Girl’ that makes friends with the pets. No exception here.
No, they weren’t sequestered outside, this is just a good shot of them there.
The larger pup made the cutest sound and the little one, found on the side of the road, had the most adorable underbite. I couldn’t get over his teeth! I was obsessed! I was almost POE obsessed with those teeth (Berenice reference to those who haven’t read Poe.)
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CHRISTMAS DAY:
Dad called Mum. We all got to talk to her – it was amazing.
I was in tears after mum shared that Nannie can’t speak anymore. She tries, she tries! But, mum can’t understand it.
Yet, Christmas Eve, she said ‘clear as a bell’ “How is Amanda?”
I lost it. I absolutely lost it. How is that fucking possible?????? I love her so much.
And I didn’t even ask what mums answer was.
Then, in the most quiet, delicate way, tears ran down my cheeks (I didn’t want her upset, but I knew and she knew, we were both crying.) I found Nic upstairs for his turn to speak to his grandma.
Grandma asked if the tree was decorated. He said “Yes.” I could hear both sides as I sat on the bed he lay upon. “Who did it?” Nic said “Mom.” “Awwwwwww!” Came from the other end and I was cutting Nic with my eyeballs at the lie and loving him at the same time for doing it.
He wanted his grandma to imagine we were taking care of one another and celebrating – he wanted her to feel like Christmas was happening, because she loves us so much.
Meanwhile, she was in her new fleece P.J’s and had chocolate. (THANK YOU ENGLISH FRIENDS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)
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CHRISTMAS DAY:
SO! We’re done chatting and finally my dad get’s to see Star Wars. It’s Nic and I’s second time.
Nic was sure that George showed up lol!
After the movie, we had an AMAZING Christmas dinner … But, I felt awful for the people working.
Then I kinda didn’t. I thought about how after the presents are open … It’s such a downer. Which is why I love Christmas Eve so much. ANTICIPATION. So, if you get to work for double time, then come home and do a holiday? “MONEY! THAT’S SO MONEY!” (Sorry, watching “Swingers” right now)
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TODAY:
I thought back to yesterday.
It’s ‘Boxing Day’ to us Brits.
The day we usually spend at my mums having prime rib and an open house.
The day we let loose and love everyone.
EVERYONE.
Everyone is invited. I’m not going explain ‘Boxing Day’ – Google it. Lol.
I miss her.
I have a new perspective.
I know I’ve GOT to get life insurance. Sorry to be a downer, but ya know, we’re ALL dying. And last check, just to be cremated and put in a ziplock cost $2,000!!!!!!!! (Wait, that DOES come with some death certificates.) I don’t want to lumber my son or any of my family with this. And I’d love to be a tree.
They have a thing where you can be a tree! Lol.
And now I finally get to share the conversation that’s been on my fridge a while (we have a dry erase board and I recorded the moment)
Me: You can take my ashes and do whatever
Nic: You’ll either be a tree or there’s this ocean thing …
Me: I’ll take the tree
Nic: I’ll make you a ficus
Me: I’ll only kill it.
LOL! Because I have SUCH a …. Um, NOT green thumb. He’s just gonna have to sprinkle me or keep me or do whatever he wants.
And I’m probably NOT going to know what he does – because, um, I’ll be dead.
Lol.
The ‘after’ shite is for the living.
I just hope all of you remember me. I DO want to make a mark. Even if it’s silly. You look at something inanimate with a face THINK OF ME!
TA-DA! Life fulfilled!
Oh, and there was nothing under the tree for me this year … But this meant the WORLD;
Musings from the home (since glaucoma man was ‘Chatty Charlie’ today
I tried, I really did. I pulled out my iPad after giving my ‘laundry lady’ her Christmas ‘bonus’ :). I was so happy to be able to do that. I see her 52 times a year and each week, she has a smile for me – makes coffee and is sure the WiFi is working. So yeah, she got a little something.
But, Glaucoma Man WAS chatty Charlie this week – so I listened. And didn’t type.
So I’ve decided to share my day with you in photos.
FYI: My Nannie is being moved to a ‘care’ facility tomorrow. There is nothing more the hospital can do for her – and my mum is still over there. Of course she is. She is a strong, amazing, loving woman. And if I’ve been anything but positive this season, it’s because I miss her and I am wishing I could hold my Nannie’s hand.
ANYWAY!
Let’s get to those photos before I start being allergic to something and have water coming out of my see-holes.
I think my favorite bird has to be the sparrow. I love how they hop. I love how unassuming they are. Others might think them bland – I find them adorable. I captured a few in my ‘faux’ garden. I keep the plants to the right of this picture because they attract bees and we SO need bees, I keep that weed to the left of the picture because – well, because it makes me feel like I HAVE a garden. LOL.
This one – I keep telling Butters “Santa is coming!” I also told her today, “You’d better have a bath for Santa” and she hopped right into the tub. This was what remained of her after she went outside to completely dry off.
This was my clean ‘Bah’ before she left those prints. And the Pokemon towel in the background? That’s become hers – but I remember how much it meant to Nic when first purchased.
Flowers from last weekend wilting – 😦 They were from my son’s girlfriend and I adore them. You’ll also notice an Elinor Donahue cook book. Fun fact: One of my favorite people on the planet, and my son’s godfather is her son. I miss him and wish I could hang out with his lovely wife and gorgeous daughter.
Bumblebee has this outer seared inner sashimi thing available – and right now, there is a $2.00 off coupon available. I snatched it up. Add wasabi and soy and HEAVEN!
Just love how the light caught my little chair Santa. He’s actually supposed to be ON a chair – but, we don’t have a dining room table/chairs anymore. So, he get’s the cushy life. 😉
And lastly, my sleepy girl. We played ball after her bath so she would totally dry quicker. (That doesn’t seem like a grammatically correct sentence – but oh well.)
THAT was my Sunday.
I did laundry, chatted, shopped at Walmart and completely melted down due to um, being @ Walmart – wrapped,
took photos – ate yummy food and NOW! Now, I’m going to watch my recorded ‘Top Chef’.
I’ll post before Christmas, but if you don’t read before then, Merry Christmas or Merry whatever you celebrate OR just, have a happy week – and thank you for following and I wish you nothing but gratitude, love and peace. X
Debauchery Soup 