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Time, screams and empathy vs lethargy.

When I heard the agonizing scream from outside to the table I sat notarizing documents upon, I knew something horrific had happened.

Then I heard the second “NO!!!!!”

I could barely focus – immediately the empath in me had eyes watering and vision blurred.

I absolutely felt the sorrow.

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I had just seen the gentleman last week.  And when I say ‘Gentleman’ I mean that truly.

This was a happy, loving, GIVING person.  Fortunate due to the effort he’d put into his life and … suddenly gone at 56 and alone in his chair when he did so.   His wife was here waiting for his arrival when she got the news.  He passed alone.

He wasn’t sick.  He had plans, as we do.  But, time doesn’t factor that in for us does it?

A long time client and very dear friend to two of my bosses.

Today was filled with tears because, when someone I love is hurting, I FEEL their pain in a visceral way.

Also, I had experienced this person so recently and knew what kindness and generosity he shared.

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I found myself questioning again ‘The Higher Power’s’ choices.

One of my dearest friends started chemo today.

I’m ashamed to say, a fact I found out later in the day after receiving no response from her.

I was sick last week – and isn’t it silly that I didn’t want to visit her in my condition considering hers?  But, I didn’t want her immune system compromised for her impending procedure.

The woman who has given of herself and loved the helpless and hopeless.

Why not the pedophiles??  Why not the evil at heart???? WHY????  Why the good ones?  And don’t come back at me with ‘He has a plan.’

What plan would any father have to subject his smallest, youngest children to cancer?  To famine?  To fear and war?

None I say.

I’m a little bitter right now if you haven’t noticed.

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As we wept, I considered the fact that the two most affected already have a plan.

They want to spend the rest of their days together.  Retired.

And I’ve been looking at my life too.

What do I want for myself?

Nothing material, that’s for sure.

But with every ‘spell’  every ‘bad day’ physically, I find myself contemplating my last days.

And bottom line is:

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Preciousness of the time I have remaining.

It could be gone in a minute.

Then I remember what is important.

I always do.

People.  Service.  LOVE.  Loving others.  Friends, family, strangers.

Not cars or clothes or cash.

It’s never been those things for me.  And I’m grateful I’ve always had that attitude.

But I DO ask myself is:

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THAT is what is important.

So, if my last day on the planet is tomorrow – I hope I’ve fulfilled that last one at least!

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T’was the Day After Christmas …

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CHRISTMAS DAY

Her absence was palpable at her home.  There sat her husband, her daughter and her grandson – and it was Christmas Day.  The one (me) who usually takes far too many photos on Christmas Day had an urgent need for SOMEONE to capture the three of us on film just sitting … the looks on our faces missing the magic that IS Christmas. And the quiet and awkward moment of us all missing her at once!!   Because that picture would have captured the fierce, overwhelming importance of how we felt without her.  And all I wanted for Christmas is for her to SEE how much she was.  How much she means.

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The Night Before Christmas:

I removed my arse from my comfort zone and RSVP’d via my son to attend Christmas Eve at his girlfriends home.  I wasn’t feeling festive, I wasn’t feeling social, (well, I never really feel social lol) BUT, but, I wanted my son and his girlfriend Chelsea to see that I love what they have and was willing to be ‘part of.’

So I went.

I had the best time.  My son’s girlfriend’s parents were lovely – and welcoming and so down to earth.

We had thought about riding, ok, I had mentioned I would love to. (I grew up riding and Chels has horses.)  But it was SO cold!

We did visit the horses though, and in an attempt to kiss her moms horse on the nose, I ended up in a nostril.  Handsome moved. Lol.

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We chatted, hung out, ate an amazing homemade lasagna and then presents.  Nic made out like a bandit.

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And, I received a gift from both Chelsea, and her parents.

The gift from Chels?

It’s burning right now – I love it so much.

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I’m also so socially awkward that I’m ‘That Girl’ that makes friends with the pets.  No exception here.

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No, they weren’t sequestered outside, this is just a good shot of them there.

The larger pup made the cutest sound and the little one, found on the side of the road, had the most adorable underbite. I couldn’t get over his teeth!  I was obsessed!  I was almost POE obsessed with those teeth (Berenice reference to those who haven’t read Poe.)

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CHRISTMAS DAY:

Dad called Mum.  We all got to talk to her – it was amazing.

I was in tears after mum shared that Nannie can’t speak anymore.  She tries, she tries!  But, mum can’t understand it.

Yet, Christmas Eve, she said ‘clear as a bell’ “How is Amanda?”

I lost it. I absolutely lost it.  How is that fucking possible??????  I love her so much.

And I didn’t even ask what mums answer was.

Then, in the most quiet, delicate way, tears ran down my cheeks (I didn’t want her upset, but I knew and she knew, we were both crying.) I found Nic upstairs for his turn to speak to his grandma.

Grandma asked if the tree was decorated.  He said “Yes.”  I could hear both sides as I sat on the bed he lay upon.  “Who did it?” Nic said “Mom.” “Awwwwwww!”  Came from the other end and I was cutting Nic with my eyeballs at the lie and loving him at the same time for doing it.

He wanted his grandma to imagine we were taking care of one another and celebrating – he wanted her to feel like Christmas was happening, because she loves us so much.

Meanwhile, she was in her new fleece P.J’s and had chocolate. (THANK YOU ENGLISH FRIENDS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

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CHRISTMAS DAY:

SO! We’re done chatting and finally my dad get’s to see Star Wars.  It’s Nic and I’s second time.

Nic was sure that George showed up lol!

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After the movie, we had an AMAZING Christmas dinner … But, I felt awful for the people working.

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Then I kinda didn’t.  I thought about how after the presents are open … It’s such a downer.  Which is why I love Christmas Eve so much.  ANTICIPATION.  So, if you get to work for double time, then come home and do a holiday?  “MONEY! THAT’S SO MONEY!” (Sorry, watching “Swingers” right now)

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TODAY:

I thought back to yesterday.

It’s ‘Boxing Day’ to us Brits.

The day we usually spend at my mums having prime rib and an open house.

The day we let loose and love everyone.

EVERYONE.

Everyone is invited.  I’m not going explain ‘Boxing Day’ – Google it. Lol.

I miss her.

I have a new perspective.

I know I’ve GOT to get life insurance.  Sorry to be a downer, but ya know, we’re ALL dying.  And last check, just to be cremated and put in a ziplock cost $2,000!!!!!!!!  (Wait, that DOES come with some death certificates.)  I don’t want to lumber my son or any of my family with this.  And I’d love to be a tree.

They have a thing where you can be a tree! Lol.

And now I finally get to share the conversation that’s been on my fridge a while (we have a dry erase board and I recorded the moment)

Me: You can take my ashes and do whatever

Nic: You’ll either be a tree or there’s this ocean thing …

Me: I’ll take the tree

Nic: I’ll make you a ficus

Me: I’ll only kill it.

 

LOL!  Because I have SUCH a …. Um, NOT green thumb.  He’s just gonna have to sprinkle me or keep me or do whatever he wants.

And I’m probably NOT going to know what he does – because, um, I’ll be dead.

Lol.

The ‘after’ shite is for the living.

I just hope all of you remember me.  I DO want to make a mark.  Even if it’s silly.  You look at something inanimate with a face THINK OF ME!

TA-DA!  Life fulfilled!

Oh, and there was nothing under the tree for me this year … But this meant the WORLD;

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