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Laundry, BTK and me.
I think I must be having a growth spurt.
I have not been able to turn off my thoughts of late. My imagination is working so much overtime, its in danger of having it’s hours cut back. I can’t afford to pay it.
Here’s an example – not the most profound, but the most recent. So I’m at the laundromat (surprise!) and on the way, had to stop at the pharmacy. I go in, purchase my items – have a brief interaction with one of those cashiers that make you feel like you’ve just interrupted them, then get back in the car.
Now, I have a very acute sense of smell. I can tell you what you’re having for lunch from the scent of the microwave, I know what perfume you’re wearing and I smell a fire from miles away.
So I’m in the car … and the scent of ‘man’ washes over me. Not a bad smell … but out of place in my car. My mind races to that urban legend. You know the one, the woman stops for gas, thinks the attendant is creepy when it turns out the attendant is just trying to warn her about the real danger. The man who got into the back of her car. Yeah, I’m there in my head.
I turn around truly expecting there’s a possibility some murderer is hiding behind my seat and then … mentally thunk myself on the forehead.
The laundry.
Oh, that’s right. There IS a man in my house now. He calls me mom.
But then that thought segued. As all my thoughts do. I had watched a documentary this morning about Charlie Otero, a surviving family member of some of the BTK’s victims. Super touching. At one point, they interviewed another man, a son of a woman Rader killed.
The camera panned in to a pot belly, scratched up swollen hands, fingers grasping a cigarette in one and a can of beer in the other.
The man spoke about Rader and blamed everything on him – from his past drug abuse to his current alcoholism. He self tattooed to experience the pain that seemed to sooth. At first I felt sorry for him. I know what it is to want to hurt. Sometimes you just want to feel. Just feel. Then you surpass that and don’t want to feel anything at all.
BUT. Then I was a little mad. He was 5 when his mother was murdered. I don’t know if he had support or a healthy environment after that. He sat with the man the documentary was about and they both agreed, yes, they were a product of their environments.
But … no.
I had an internal argument with myself. On one hand, yes, traumatic events manifest in ways that are deep and permanent. On the other hand, you get to decide how the rest of your story goes.
Then I felt guilty – what if he hadn’t been given tools to cope? What if he didn’t read? We can only know what we experience. We can only experience what we explore.
THEN I get to thinking – who am I to judge this man?? Who says I get to sit on my couch and have the thought that he oughta be deciding to be happy.
There are certain sounds I hear that trigger a visceral physical reaction. Smells and textures too. My stomach will literally drop, a WHOOSH of cold spreads from the bottom of my feet up my leg and into my gut. I know that trauma manifests and leaps out at you from out of nowhere sometimes. So what makes me different from that man?
For years and years I chose NOT to be happy. Lost myself in mind numbing. Ended up only giving myself more reasons to want to be numb.
So because I had an epiphany – because I dove into healing – does that entitle me to sit on my purple couch and tut at someone who is still in the numb phase? No.
I think in this case it’s me tutting at behaviors I used to engage in. I was looking into a mirror.
So lately that’s what’s been going on. I need to learn that not everyone is on the same rung. I have far to go myself. I just need to love everyone around me and stop comparing.
Also should probably check my car before I get in it – just in case. My journey does not need a stowaway.
Spinfarm – Interview with Adam. GMO free
Move over Cameron Crowe – I’m going to interview a rocker.
Before we start, can I just say, Almost Famous (based on his experiences touring with rock bands) has one of my favorite movie scenes of all times … ah yes, the Tiny Dancer bus scene.
Of course I can say that – because this is my blog. And having said that – you should know that I don’t make a habit of interviewing bands, but, like, omg guys, I totally know the drummer. And singer. Okay, we were married. For 10 years, but only together for about 6 months.
The 10 year thing – probably a REALLY good thing, because before I quit drinking, the only reason I didn’t wake up not knowing where I was with a shiny new rock on my left hand was because I was legally married. Phew!
He is happily married with children now and throughout the years, we’ve managed to drift in and out of each others lives and stay friends.
As pathetic as I am maintaining romantic relationships, I do seem to have a knack of being a great ‘friend who’s an ex.’
Adam (AKA: mOji from the SANE days) who seriously rocks vocals and drums, is joined by Mr. X on guitar and Brendon Ghiringhelli on Bass.
(“On guitar” What does that mean? If I had a nice guitar, nobody better be ‘on’ it. Get off my guitar. Now I’m on a Spinal Tap tangent in my head and in Nigels guitar room)
But I digress (as usual)
Spinfarm headed into the recording studio last year and the result was the End Of The World Soundtrack.
You’ll see why on the cover. Those wacky Mayans – they inspire you know?
I asked Adam if I could interview him, and he graciously penciled me in. (I’m typing this intro while waiting for the diva to IM me to do the actual interview … musicians. Pfft. You know how they are.) I jest. He’s busy being a great dad, husband to his beautiful wife and working hard.
Let’s enjoy the music video for the first track from Spinfarm’s CD while we wait.
I responded to my first viewing with ‘”I feel sorry for the dog at the end” 😦 (what every musician wants to hear from someone who just viewed their artistic effort huh?) but was assured that Henry was not left behind and even has his own Facebook page.
What follows is a back and forth interview between myself and my ‘ex who’s a friend’ about rocking out and about making a CD and other ‘stuff’.
There shall be shenanigans and I’m gonna make him name drop, because he’s not only a very talented musician, but a huge fan himself and has had the rare opportunity to jam with some note worthy people.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Me: My first rock interview, I’m a little nervous. May I call you mOji or Adam or do you go by Rock God these days?
Adam: Adam. LOL
Me: I recall, a little band called Rooster Stew. Now you’re in Spinfarm. I see a rural pattern …
Adam: Interesting … My current guitarist named the band Spinfarm, but I can see your point
Me: When I google Spinfarm, it wants to correct me to ‘spin farming’. I’m afraid to click. What’s the skinny on the name?
Adam: I’m actually not 100% sure myself … lol. My guitarist likes to say Home Grown sounds with No GMO’s
Me: GMO’s?
Adam: Genetically Modified Organisms
Me: :-O I’m glad you have none of those. They’d make the music odd
Adam: Indeed … Our music is pure and from the soul. So I’ve been told
Me: Your songs always have been. We’ll just cut to the chase. I’ve given my readers some background – we have a brief history lol. I had the honor of hearing Pantomime Circus live … a lot. Are you proud of the CD version?
Adam: Yes I am. I always thought the lyrics were some of my best. But I thought the music was lacking. What my guitarist came up with and the way we build the song finally does it justice IMO
Me: I really like it – but I’m partial to the solo version. You recorded with Charlie McGovern … how amazing was it to be in the studio??
Adam: It was. Charlie is a long time childhood friend, prior band member and an amazing producer and engineer with an amazing resume. We were tight and well prepared and turned out all the music for all 10 songs in 5 hours. I did all the vocals the following day in one take.
Me: I was so excited for you. You’ve NEVER given up on your music. Hey – let’s play a game. No cheating. I’m going to throw something random (lol) at you and you give me the first words that come to mind K?
Adam: OK … shoot
Me: Boondox
Adam: China Town
Me: Peacemaker
Adam: 45
Me: lol, I knew I’d left that off. Electric Chair
Adam: Straight Jacket
Me: Pantomime Circus
Adam: Ghost Town
Me: Sunset Serenade
Adam: Spaghetti Western
Me: Take your Toll
Adam: Hmmm … Don wrote and sang that one. But I think Vampires
Me: Like Edward Cullen or Vincent Price?
Adam: Vincent Price
Me: K. Higher Low
Adam: Hmmm … Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Me: Nice! Loaded
Adam: Dive Bar
Me: and um … Satan Jam
Adam: That’s a song that our guitarist relatives used to play back in the 70’s. It’s an Ode to …
Me: Okay, phew! Then there’s a bonus track that’s a secret – I’ll be buying my copy and will then know the secret, but can we have a hint?
Adam: Baba O’Reily by The Who … lol
Me: OMG! I LOVE the version you guys do. Seriously well done.
Adam: Thank you 🙂
Me: I just sounded 14. Jeez.
Adam: TEEN BEAT flashbacks
Me: LOL. You know my entire room was plastered in hair band posters
Adam: Indeed my Crue loving friend
Me: Speaking of other artists – I was saying you’re not only a rocker, but a huge fan. You’ve had the opportunity to jam with some pretty amazing artists. Name drop please.
Adam: Love/Hate, LA Guns, Junkyard, Rhino Bucket, Blue Oyster Cult, David Lee Roth, Tesla
Me: Did David have his farm bib pant things on? That would have been apropos
Adam: He was actually wearing a Popeye type sailor suit … but badass as always.
Me: LMAO! He was my first concert. I wore a sweater and heels. Yeah … I didn’t know how to ‘concert’ then. So, when you’re playing arenas, what’s going to be in your rider? No brown M & M’s?
Adam: Hmmm … Beef Jerky, Atomic Fire Balls, lotsa Double Bubble gum and Mt Dew
Me: I knew there would be gum. 😉 What happened to fruit stripe?? Have you abandoned the zebra?
Adam: Flavor doesn’t last as long as Double Bubble. lol. But, not Zebra the band. lol
Me: True, very true. Okay, serious question. How DO you keep time on drums and sing??
Adam: As I tell my step daughter (who plays drums) Practice Practice Practice. Seriously, lots of practicing thru the years
Me: Why do you close your eyes when you sing, but have them open when you’re drumming w/out having to do a vocal?
Adam: Actually, I’ve been told recently that I do the WHITE EYES thing while I’m singing and drumming too. lol … it’s quite odd. But I disappear into the music
Me: LOL! I know those eyes. You do tend to do an early Eddie Vedder when you’re at the mic.
Adam: One of my influences
Me: I know – do you still cover Pearl Jam?
Adam: Not in Spinfarm, But I did do this a few months ago solo
The only cover we do is the Who song in Spinfarm
Me: I was going to ask if you were still doing any solo things as mOji
Adam: Just as Adam. mOji is my old Santa Cruz moniker from my days with SANE
Me: I still have the lunch box somewhere
Adam: Nice
Me: You have a lot going on this Summer – lots of gigs
Adam: Yes, we’re excited
Me: did you create all the fliers? They’re really good
Adam: Yes, I create all the fliers – book all the shows … But I really enjoy it. Connecting the dots. AND the fliers I do with ancient programs, no photoshop here
Me: Too much talent for one person Atom
Adam: LOL
Me: Dream tour … who’s on it with you?
Adam: Hmmm … lets see. Pearl Jam, Love/Hate, Janes Addiction and Ace Frehley
Me: Nice! I’d go. Can the Gin Blossoms and Dave Matthews come too?
Adam: On my acoustic solo tour lol
Me: Yes! Hey … Atom?
Adam: Yes
Me: Where’s your gum?
Adam: Right here —->
Me: lol. Did you want to add anything? Say something mind blowing?
Adam: Beware the lollipop of mediocrity – lick once and you’ll suck forever
Me: And on that … we have a wrap.
Crazy cat lady ponderings
Brace yourselves. I actually fired up the PC and am writing a post from home and not the laundromat. It’s going to be okay … shhh … there there – change is scary, I know.
So! This morning, I was reading a Facebook post a friend put up about relationships. Basically about how you have to work at it – push through those times when all the things you used to think were adorable about your partner becoming annoying as hell.
I get it. That first flush of romance can’t last. Or can it?
I know people still madly in love. People married for years and years who still light up when talking about their other half. Makes me smile.
Also makes me want that ease of being with the right person – I don’t want to have to work hard to love someone. Should it be that hard? Seriously?
Then I get to work and a friend sent me a picture of a crazy cat lady cake. Hilarious. And I want it. It’s a running private joke.
I’ve said time and again that’s my destiny.
Here’s one like it – but not ‘the one’
Funny both of these things came up today – because I was thinking on the way to work about qualities I would need to come in a male package in order to change my cat lady plans.
Deal breakers for me …
- Lying
- Vanity
- Laziness
- Neediness – bordering on psychotic desperation for affirmation
- Racism
- Homophobia
I’m going to sound like a huge vain prick right now – but … I would need someone smarter than me, but not smug about it. Someone who has experienced the world, or at least bothered to find out about more than his zip code.
It is what it is – I have traveled. I can spell. I have a large vocabulary. If I don’t know something, I admit it and then strive to learn what I don’t know.
I like to read. I love the arts. Music, painting, writing, theater.
If I were ever to entertain the thought of sharing my LIFE with someone, it would have to be someone who challenged me.
Someone who would step up, (not in a creepy domineering way) and decide that I am what they want and not give up until I was convinced it’s what I want too.
Effort. Patience.
I’m not an easily peeled onion. I have baggage.
And knowing this about myself, I made the smart decision to NOT put someone through that.
I am happy. I am self-supporting. I like myself and enjoy my company.
Besides, if I do get lonely, I can order this. 😉
Fantasy Frog
I’m a leaper.
A leaper with an active imagination. A fantasy frog?
When I posted my Happy Birthday to Nicholas a day before his birthday, I shared it on my Facebook wall and a dear friend of mine, Brian, replied to my comment ‘Because I can never wait’ with “that is SO you”. It is. 🙂
I love that I have friends who know me that well, and it got me to thinking. Is that particular facet of mine a good thing?
It is now.
Probably not so much when I was still drinking. LOL
From piercing my nose, tattoos and marriages, I’ve jumped right in, feet first with abandon.
I do have a child like impatience – I can barely contain myself when I’ve found the perfect gift for someone. I still count down an upcoming event in ‘sleeps’. 3 more sleeps, 2 more sleeps, 1 more sleep – you get it.
Then there’s my over active imagination.
A guy makes appreciative eye contact with me and we’ve already broken up by the time he looks away. I’ve flashed through courting, our wedding and I’m fine tuning my break up speech to give the poor unsuspecting cashier/random stranger.
“It just would never have worked out” is probably not an appropriate response to ‘thank you for shopping with us.’
I crack myself up.
I love that I do those things now. I’m not as impulsive. I think things through – ask myself ‘what is the right thing to do here?’
I can’t turn it off though! My mind is ALWAYS running.
Probably this is a good thing for someone who loves to write. I try not to question it anymore – just temper it with common sense.
Oh, and shockingly, I’m writing this at the laundromat – and a Gin Blossoms song has just come on – don’t think for one minute after meeting Robin Wilson last year and getting a hug and a kiss he didn’t fall madly in love with me. I had to let him down easy – in my head. 😉 It just wouldn’t have worked out.
Happy Birthday Nicholas
“Twenty years is, after all, a long time. We are not the same people we were. Old friends, lovers, even family members; they are strangers who happen to wear a familiar face. We have no right to claim to know anyone after such a distance …” – Graham Joyce from Some Kind of Fairy Tale
But I do know my son. There has been no distance.
I’ve had some people say to me, “Let him grow up!” As if I haven’t been. Or, “Get your own life” as if I haven’t had one.
Yet, if they found themselves before someone who was suddenly without their partner after 18 years of a constant shared life – would those be the same sentiments offered? “Let them go!” “Get your own life now!”
I would hope not.
Even someone who just lost their pet after so much time would be treated kinder than that.
I know I am not losing my son – but this is the beginning of the end of how things have been for many, many years. And before long, I won’t have the right to say I know him. Not the way I do now.
And that’s as it should be. I know this. I am not stupid.
He was never mine, after all, I merely had the honor of raising him for the world.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I can with utmost certainty look back at my life and my son will never have been one of them.
It has just been he and I for most of these 18 years. And he was my life. Shouldn’t a child be a parents number one priority?
Not putting myself first led me to a happier heart and a wiser soul. I’ll never understand why some children are born into the world to be tolerated and not adored.
Nic was my purpose. And being his mom is my pleasure, not some thief of my own time.
From the moment I felt him kick and hiccup – I loved my baby. I did not want to know the sex. Upon hearing “It’s a son” in the hospital room, March 31st, 1995, I became Nicholas Avery Charles’ mother.
What an amazing experience it’s been!
I remember when I was little wanting to be an archeologist – perhaps a teacher – a writer – a rock star? My interests changed as I grew, but the one constant was knowing I wanted to be somebody’s mom.
This is so hard! My sixth attempt at this post. I haven’t been able to find the right words!
I so wanted this to be the post I look back on as my best. I am writing this to the most important person in my life after all.
I tried just typing, but got so caught up in memories I couldn’t do them justice.
Weighed the options of humor or taking the mushy route and waxing poetic …
Then while reading, the quote I opened with sent me back to the computer.
So, let’s begin.
Nicholas Avery Charles – today you are 18.
You’re on the precipice of something great. You’ll make your way and your own decisions – but you’ll never be alone. I will always be here for you.
I will never stop being your mom.
Never stop wishing the best for you.
Never stop supporting your dreams and goals.
I love you so very much bird.
I’ll try really hard NOT to use the following sentence: “If you want to be treated like an adult, you had better start acting like one!” I hated that.
You don’t suddenly go to bed 17, liking video games, anime and being catered to then wake up 18 with brand new interests and a sudden overnight maturity.
I want to tell you Thank you. Because what you’ve given me just by existing is the largest love I’ve ever known and the most educational experience I’ve ever had, and the strongest bond I’ve ever had with another human being.
Thank you for being my memories, my todays and my hope for the future. I look at you and know that the world will be just fine with people like you in it.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your teens – it’s so odd isn’t it? Technically an adult, still a teenager. It’s hard to know what is expected of you. Well, I personally expect nothing of you. You are right where you are supposed to be, being just who you are meant to be.
There is no right way to be 18.
Make some memories, dream and try not to do anything you’ll wish you could erase upon looking back.
Read books.
Listen to your heart.
Expand your mind.
Have compassion and try not to judge.
Smile and know, you are enough.
Because you are – and you always have been.
And hey … 1,2,3’s and I know you’re not 15 … but I hear this song and think of you. Love you so very very very very much. – Mom. xxxxx
Debauchery Soup 