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Well, it was a long week. And, I reached out a few times and many posts were not posted.
I’ll start with this so you may understand my absence.
And in the words of Mr. Gump. That’s all I have to say about that.
The weekend she passed … here’s what I was doing.
A hike to Richardson Ranch. This was the beginning of our adventure. A friends dog stayed with me, probably because she knew I was the weakest link.
The ‘noose tree’ – We found it like that a long time ago. I truly hope it wasn’t used for it’s intention. I truly hope it was designed to haul folks out of the dirt road.
Part Three: I explore Richardsons’ Ranch.
Moved on from there and …
Then this happened. You know, they say ‘Don’t hike alone’ for a reason. You could sprain an ankle, be struck by a snake, lose yourself. Which, in this case, happened. The lose yourself part.
We got home.
One more thing. I’m watching ‘A Beautiful Mind’ and the doctor is telling John, “You can’t reason your way out of this!”. Almost verbatim to my doctor telling me “You can’t smart your way out of this.” Meaning, the anxiety.
But, I’ve made so much progress.
I can drive home.
I can drive to work.
I still do the rituals – my OCD is not going to leave me soon, but will.
I ask myself, things like: How many times have you HIT a coyote?
How many times have you been in a crash?
How many times has a steer or rock fell off of the pass onto the road (yes, I thought about those things.)
I used logic, even while panicking.
I still acknowledge the unknown, as well as the very known – every cross on that road I take twice a day – but, now I make things practical in my head.
I don’t know what my friend went through in her last days, but I’m betting she didn’t see a light. I’m betting no phone call or visit would have changed her state of mind.
I am here.
I want to be here.
I am making strives without medicinal help.
And – Bye for NOW.
Well, it’s been a few years, but here is part two. In light of the New Zealand massacre I feel obliged, again, to Never Forget,
Not so much obliged. It is my honor. My duty, as a human.
It is important. I never stopped.
And, Rainer is important.
He is a huge part of my past and my memories. And has dedicated his life to um, not, ‘reversing’ but, healing the scars of his ancestry.
He made me grow as a person.
I always fall head first into anything that intrigues me, and yes, at first, it was the documentary. But, once I knew him, I felt so comfortable and safe and later so loved.
But, that was years ago.
We managed, somehow, to reconnect.
I asked him, “What haven’t you been asked about, that you want to answer?”
I think the best way to share this interview is in our emails.
I should mention, he’s ill. And, in keeping with our friendship – and secrets – I can’t divulge the facts.
So, thinking on a topic, I decided (after he declined) God. To choose Religion.
Having death in our path causes one to ponder no?
I lost one of my best friends to cancer. She was an advocate for children. Unselfish. Completely fucking amazing – and – told me, “I don’t wan’t to go, I’m not ready.”
What ‘God’ takes someone who gives so much on the planet?
How is it that completely awful people still stride this earth and those with love and compassion in their hearts are taken??
And in keeping with my personal theory, here are our emails.
Me: Do you believe in God? Why or why not?
Me: I also think, what kind of ‘father’ would allow such horror, as you mentioned. So many good things hurt and harmed that were innocent. I also asked “In pain or in despair you don’t reach out to something ‘bigger’ than you or the planet?”
Him: Unfortunately I have to disappoint you, with my heart operation it was not possible any more in time, everything went so fast.
With everything else I also ask of course: Why me ?
But I do not address it to God, I can explain it to you also only with difficulty.
I was also too much disappointed by the Protestant Church, which is why I left it long ago. There you don’t get adequate help, pious sayings that mean nothing to me and can do without you.
They should rather change their politics and also admit if they have done something wrong and do not hide behind the institution church.
And to know exactly, they regulate that so that it does not cast a bad permanent light on the church.
No I do not pray.
It comes as it has to come, that doesn’t change the church either.
I believe in true love and friendship, even if it was denied me often enough in my life, or even abused. But I continue to believe in it, and at some point it will be true.
And I believe in what I am doing and that it is sincere and good and helps even if it is a slow success but it is one to see. I believe in many things but not in the institution church.
Me: Notice, the door to the cage is open. Even a fake birdcage I can’t close. I care too much. I agree, love and friendship is a higher power. And, I’m hoping the bible was right when it said, Jesus can see into your heart. I’m not religious, but, should I be judged, ‘it’ will see the real me in my heart. I do have one question for you. What do you to regret? If you could say something different or be different, what would it be?
Him: Our situation back then that I deeply regret, but otherwise I don’t really regret anything.
I see it all in a certain area of fate… You can’t change it in advance anyway, it comes as it comes.
Every day is a new challenge.
And I don’t mean by fate the biblical variant… I have done the most possible thing in my life that I can do to make my environment more beautiful.
I’ve always been faithful in life, I don’t drink, I don’t take drugs…I think more doesn’t work…and I’ve always treated friends as friends and stood by their side like a rock in the surf in an emergency.
I take care of people who need help, I have taken care of my mum self-sacrificingly without thinking of myself. I have always been a good caring father and grandfather.
We continue this journey together as friends. And, he IS an amazing father and grand-father. And friend. I will be forever grateful that our paths crossed.
As a side note, which, seems completely awful calling it so – I also interviewed a survivor – and I didn’t want to make this a piece about the past. But, (again) in light of current events, supremacists are gaining ground and feeling comfortable. I shall never forget the survivor who told me more than any history book could. That they ate their own lice for protein in the camp. I shudder. I’m disgusted and am SO proud that New Zealand has instantly said they are going to change their gun laws. That’s my personal opinion, not Rainer’s or any one else.
Just dive in shall I?
It hasn’t been that long ago that I didn’t think my life was worth much.
Funny isn’t it? How I can post fun exploits here and still feel that way? How I can share with you, but, I’ve stopped sharing with those close to me after hearing ‘just get over it’ or a version of that too many times.
I’ve been suffering from such extreme anxiety and depression that even getting ‘home’ was a hit or miss. Luckily, I didn’t hit anyone.
Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t feel my hands. Couldn’t see. Put my windshield wipers on just to adjust my eyes. Focus! Breathe!
As for the ‘ with ‘home’ – no, I’m still not settled.
It’s not my space. It’s OUR space. And while sharing one seems quite romantic, it’s a constant compromise where before I had no need for such a thing.
I have always been able to be alone and not feel lonely – and truth be told, there are days I feel lonely living with someone.
There’s also the matter of being so far from places. I have my Rapunzel moments. And I have times I don’t know what to do or where to be.
Anyway, these past months have been tough. Well, let’s be honest, past few years have.
Couldn’t wake up without my heart pounding therefore disallowing a shower.
Couldn’t lay down because ‘horizontal’ was not an option.
It hasn’t been that long ago that I thought – “What else is there? I just want to be done.”
I absolutely thought about how I’d do it.
After all, I’m well traveled, ‘been there done that’. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve experienced the most amazing of things and the worst.
Besides, ‘no one will miss me’. (Untrue, I know.)
Now I’m entering a time of my life that I’m not completely pleased with. Losing others I love.
Losing control over my own health – well, to be fair, I could have more control but I’m also in that delusional phase of, “But, it’s MY turn now!” Fuck the warnings! Why on earth would I want to miss out on anything – I could die tomorrow!
Sought out a counselor, only to discover this psychologist was a once only, prescribe drugs type of guy.
Too bad, because I liked him.
I didn’t like his two drug decision. I have been on anti-depressants before, and I hate that feeling of … ‘other’. Outside of self. No highs, no lows, just – zombie.
I reached out to his office and explained I would find another way.
My general doctor told me, “You seem very smart, but, you can’t ‘smart’ your way out of this.”
Oh, yes I can.
I watched (binged) Ricky Gervais’ After Life yesterday,
There was a quote about religion, or, rather, the lack thereof.
He responded with (and yes, I’m paraphrasing), okay, so would you stop watching a movie knowing there was an end and nothing after that even if you were enjoying the movie?
It resonated with me.
It gave me pause for thought.
I want to finish the movie.
I am someone who has ‘good’. Also, always looking for it. I can offer something to the world even with my glitches.
I can be feeling my lowest and still find beauty in something. Even at my worst, I still notice special things around me and have the wherewithal to appreciate them!
Okay! Well, this is a turn. WordPress went and changed on me. Has it really been that long since I posted? I am faced with a screen (literally) telling me they welcome me to the ‘wonderful world of blocks!’ WTF? Alright, I’ll bite. We’ll try this. (I didn’t read the directions – and evidently, ‘see next tip’ might be part of a direction. I have not clicked on it.) I’ll pout for about a minute, then click it.
Evidently the tip was ‘Add title’. Wasn’t it just easier before when I had that at the top?
This whole blog is going a different direction. LOL!
Want to share my past week with y’all, as we never say in rural desert land.
Damn. There are more plus signs on this version than any of my school tests. I’m giggling. This thing is writing itself.
Okay, pressed enter and we seem safe enough to begin what I intended to write.
Oh, no. ‘start writing or type/to choose a block.
What is a block?????
Shall I try it?
Okay, so, a ‘block’ is either another paragraph, media or … a bunch of other stuff.
I truly had this down, didn’t need remedial directions. But, thanks I guess?
Let’s being shall we?
That, my friends, was a block. I’m literally laughing out loud now. Sorry, I can’t get over this. When did this happen??????????????????????? Why was it needed?
I wanted to chat about my rural adventures. And, I shall.
So, last weekend, my brother-in-law was in town visiting.
Here’s us. Me, “look guys! It’s our last name!” Them: We shall look off into the distance and be majestic.
Truth be told, my long underwear was pink and I looked like a hermit crab without a shell. Have you ever seen that?? I have. My son used to have some and anytime they shed their shell, they wouldn’t make it into the plethora of ‘new choices’ and end up all crabby and shriveled and pinkish – kinda like a toe that had been in the bath too long and, yeah. Then, they died. I survived obviously, but did change this pic to black and white. Because, ew, shriveled hermit crab legs.
Let’s get back to rural living eh?
My guy went shopping and brought home some new plants.
Butters checked them out, approved and moved along.
Then came the day I lost any kind of ‘girly’ I had remaining on my hands. We gardened.
Wait! FIRST! I had cleaned the kitchen and cleaned. Let’s talk about this ‘life hack’. Fabric softener sheets on grease.
I took the oven top completely apart. Then soaked the um, thingies, in the sheets.
Worked fine for the ones that had seen less combat. But, after pouring boiling water on the other ones, still had remnants, so, I’m giving that experiment a 5 out of 10. Oh, and about the boiling, yes, I had to be creative because, after all, my stove was in fact ‘apart’.
But! Here’s a very clean oven and some quiches I made.
Plus, a Mexican lasagna.
So, I was Ms. Clean and cook. THEN the plants needed attention.
I know how to plant a tree. And, easy peel navel orange tree needed introducing into our world.
I wanted to do it – after successful trees at my other home, but, my guy is a go-getter and my non-girly hands had already suffered many blows. Go ahead.
Prior to all of this – you’re probably not going to be able to sleep wondering how my phalanges lost their decorative claws. So, here are the planters that were meticulously made by (not me.)
I added the flowers. I’m nothing if not a team player. (insert squinting laughing emoji here).
We also (he) planted more potatoes.
And we added to our seedlings.
I’d like to share now, after (unsuccessfully searc;hing for the spell check feature) that you can flip back and forth from ‘Block’ to ‘Document’. So – there’s a thing I learned.
In between writing this thrilling post, I bathed Butters. Which, brings me to my next set of pics.
I am trying to get her out and about more. Because I hadn’t already done enough yesterday, I decided to hike with her into what we call ‘the square’.
She did very good at ‘wait’. (Mostly when she was navigating areas like a freaking mountain goat, and I was trying not to lose my balance/teeth/in tact bones.)
Okay! Let’s go!
Very deep hoof imprints! Must have been muddy when that happened.
Always something captures my attention – this was hard to take with Butters excited about moving on.
A moment of “Wait!”. (This was before I fell on my arse because she was mountain goating.)
Another pretty spot – still don’t know how I managed this shot either. I think she was being very good at “Wait!”
It was only after getting home and reviewing pictures that I found this amusing and was a tad confused. I think it’s a feather? But, by happenstance, looks like – well, um, anything you can conjure up lol!
She handled it regardless.
I let her lead the way – and she was sure to mark plenty of territory. Hopefully won’t be long before she can be off leash, at least there. But, with coyotes, steer, burros and snakes – not sure I want her to have that much freedom.
She’s definitely living her ‘best life’ out here though.
Not living on a ‘block’ anymore.
(See how I tied that in? Brilliant.)