Just dive in shall I?

It hasn’t been that long ago that I didn’t think my life was worth much.

Funny isn’t it? How I can post fun exploits here and still feel that way? How I can share with you, but, I’ve stopped sharing with those close to me after hearing ‘just get over it’ or a version of that too many times.

I’ve been suffering from such extreme anxiety and depression that even getting ‘home’ was a hit or miss. Luckily, I didn’t hit anyone.

Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t feel my hands. Couldn’t see. Put my windshield wipers on just to adjust my eyes. Focus! Breathe!

As for the ‘ with ‘home’ – no, I’m still not settled.

It’s not my space. It’s OUR space. And while sharing one seems quite romantic, it’s a constant compromise where before I had no need for such a thing.

I have always been able to be alone and not feel lonely – and truth be told, there are days I feel lonely living with someone.

There’s also the matter of being so far from places.  I have my Rapunzel moments.  And I have times I don’t know what to do or where to be. 

Anyway, these past months have been tough. Well, let’s be honest, past few years have.

Couldn’t wake up without my heart pounding therefore disallowing a shower.

Couldn’t lay down because ‘horizontal’ was not an option.

It hasn’t been that long ago that I thought – “What else is there? I just want to be done.”

I absolutely thought about how I’d do it.

After all, I’m well traveled, ‘been there done that’. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve experienced the most amazing of things and the worst.

Besides, ‘no one will miss me’. (Untrue, I know.)

Now I’m entering a time of my life that I’m not completely pleased with. Losing others I love.

Losing control over my own health – well, to be fair, I could have more control but I’m also in that delusional phase of, “But, it’s MY turn now!” Fuck the warnings! Why on earth would I want to miss out on anything – I could die tomorrow!

Sought out a counselor, only to discover this psychologist was a once only, prescribe drugs type of guy.

Too bad, because I liked him.

I didn’t like his two drug decision. I have been on anti-depressants before, and I hate that feeling of … ‘other’. Outside of self. No highs, no lows, just – zombie.

Nope.

I reached out to his office and explained I would find another way.

My general doctor told me, “You seem very smart, but, you can’t ‘smart’ your way out of this.”

Oh, yes I can.

I watched (binged) Ricky Gervais’ After Life yesterday,

There was a quote about religion, or, rather, the lack thereof. 

He responded with (and yes, I’m paraphrasing), okay, so would you stop watching a movie knowing there was an end and nothing after that even if you were enjoying the movie?

It resonated with me.

It gave me pause for thought. 

I want to finish the movie.

I am someone who has ‘good’.  Also, always looking for it.  I can offer something to the world even with my glitches.  

I can be feeling my lowest and still find beauty in something.  Even at my worst, I still notice special things around me and have the wherewithal to appreciate them!