Category Archives: My Favorites
Prelude to something big …
Not in my wildest dreams could I have conjured the events following my post “There is such good …”
The following day, I checked my email as usual and promptly sat with my ipad as if I were holding the most precious, fragile item with shaking hands.
An email – from Germany.
Not just any email. An email from Rainer Hoess.
Two sentences:
“Thanks for your comfort article at your website (There is such good) Warm and friendly regards from Germany“
I haven’t been in shock many times in my life. I can assure you, I was, at that moment, in total and complete shock.
It’s not often the subject of something that touches you so profoundly contacts you. Okay, NEVER does the subject of something that has touched me so profoundly been in contact.
I did not know what to do. Other than sit – and stare at my email as if it were going to suddenly delete itself if I looked away.
Do I reply?? I thought perhaps not – I didn’t want to bother him with my gushing compliments and over the top thank you’s for taking the time to write a note to me. But, then I thought, WHEN am I ever going to have this opportunity again?
So I proceeded to embarrassingly gush and thank.
I hit ‘send’ while holding my breath. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t breathing anyway.
*Ding*
A reply.
I’m barely functioning at this point. How to read when my vision is swimming? Comprehend the words when my brain is doing some odd dance in my head? And how to use the touch screen when I can’t feel my extremities??
I’ll save the rest for the big event, but let me just say, after some 32 emails back and forth later – he graciously agreed to allow me to interview him.
I know how huge this is. I know.
And a part of me is terrified I’m going to let this amazing man down. But he trusts me.
And I trust my voice.
And I want to be a part of his generations effort to offer healing and hope.
I want to focus on his journey. A man who has struggled with coming to terms with his past. A past he had no part in, but is still persecuted for.
So watch this space.
I’ll be continuing to get to know this funny, insightful, delightful, strong, brave and caring man.
Then I will share some of him with you.
Graduation
I drove away from the event center last night where my son had just graduated, alone.
I had a Gwen Stefani CD in the CD player and I felt a shift as the coin of acceptance dropped and I belted out “Ain’t no Hollaback Girl” along with Gwen.
Everything felt just … right.
Nic left the event with his girlfriend, my parents left together and I left with a smile on my face.
I have been so scared of the rapid changes in the dynamics of my relationship with Nic this past year! I needn’t have been.
Here I was worrying about where I would fit in his life. Here (Literally right here) I was worrying whether or not I’d done enough for him – done the right things by him.
Then, in the parking lot right after graduation, he picked my mom up in a hug and then shook my dads hand, and POOF! The worry dissipated.
I mentally dusted my hands with a ‘well, that’s-that then’ resolve, and a peace settled in.
It was sort of like hearing your little one say “thank you” without being prompted for the first time, or seeing them hold the door open for someone (Okay, I still feel a surge of pride when he does those things.)
In a single moment, I glimpsed Nic, the young man, and I was simultaneously proud of him and awash with an odd sensation of freedom. Freedom from worry.
When I got home, (after uploading a bazillion photos to my ipad and managing to blow my icloud memory out of the sky) I had a little time alone to reflect.
And in reflecting I was SO grateful!
I thought about all the people who had a hand, directly or indirectly, in raising my son with me.
Yes, I’m a single mom, but a whole slew of people have been instrumental in the successful rearing of my child. (And now I’m cracking up thinking of the quote from ‘Knocked Up’: Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!)
I was completely filled with appreciation and memories. Gratitude and love.
I wanted to thank every single person individually. There are people who don’t even realize how much of an impact they had on my journey as a mom.
So I try to tell people who touch my life that they have. I try to remember to thank and acknowledge the people I love, the people who love me back – and the people who love Nic.
And in that moment, when Nic had my mother in his arms – and my dads hand in his – I knew he was doing the same thing.
Morning Manatees, Royal magic and cheesecake
Good Morning to you, good morning to you.
We’re all in our places
With sunshiny faces,
and this is the way
to start a new day!
I beg to differ. My face feels like a handful of sand was tossed at it by a drunken Sandman. He did get some granules in my eyes – that must be why they’re sore and grainy.
OR … or … it could be that my dog pulled her ‘there shall be no alarms, who wants to be alarmed? C’mon, I’ll gently rouse you from sleep by creeping around the bed, then staring at you” routine again.
It IS Saturday right? Yes. And yet, at 5am, I was up. Stomping to the front door being led by my manatee with hair.
I’m getting pretty redundant writing about Butters.
I’m thinking of changing my blog name to ‘Musings-from-the-laundromat-about-Butters’ That would pretty much encompass my posts.
So, I am in fact up.
It is what it is. She is what she is. The morning has broken and since I’m too tired to start cleaning it up, I’ll share some exciting news.
It’s not my news. Or is it? If I’m sharing the news – is it technically … oh, never mind.
SO!
I have a brother in the UK. He works at Warner Bros. Well … (she says, like an eager, sparkly eyed gossip) … guess who he got to meet yesterday?
AND … (she leans in closer for effect)
He was the one that got to hand Prince Harry his wand! (If I am to believe my brother-in-law’s post on his wall, which I do.)
Haven’t seen anything on my brothers wall about it yet, but he’s been too busy hob nobbing with Royalty I suppose. I’ll be grilling him soon about all the details. The horse’s mouth will be parched by the time he’s done answering all my questions. Wait, he’ll be typing. Horses hoof?
Pretty cool if you ask me.
I had 2 pieces of cheesecake yesterday. That was pretty much the hi-light of my day.
I had been coveting the cheesecake through a glass door.
There was a meeting going on that was none of my business, but the dessert caught my eye.
It’s who you know people, it’s who you know.
That meeting broke and I had already sent my ‘don’t think I didn’t notice that cheesecake in there’ email to someone who’s business the meeting was.
Dessert tangent. Sorry. Hey – ‘Dessert Tangent’. That would be a great name for a little shop.
Back to my sibling story.
He’s talented too – made Nic and I these wand replicas before he worked there. (Oooo! Foreshadowing!!!!)
Perhaps I can wave one at Butters while saying: Expecto Patronum! That should clear the area of Butters the Demented. Or does that just work on Dementors? Hmmm ….
OR, I could just stick one up her nostril until she gets the hint.
I’ll give it some more thought when my brain wakes up.
*update … Story confirmed and got some other tid bits I can’t share … Also had to remove my brothers name due to strict social media rules. Warner Bros. has a privacy thing with their staff. But let me just play Perez Hilton for a moment and say … One person who was there has an epic imagination ;)*
Spinfarm – Interview with Adam. GMO free
Move over Cameron Crowe – I’m going to interview a rocker.
Before we start, can I just say, Almost Famous (based on his experiences touring with rock bands) has one of my favorite movie scenes of all times … ah yes, the Tiny Dancer bus scene.
Of course I can say that – because this is my blog. And having said that – you should know that I don’t make a habit of interviewing bands, but, like, omg guys, I totally know the drummer. And singer. Okay, we were married. For 10 years, but only together for about 6 months.
The 10 year thing – probably a REALLY good thing, because before I quit drinking, the only reason I didn’t wake up not knowing where I was with a shiny new rock on my left hand was because I was legally married. Phew!
He is happily married with children now and throughout the years, we’ve managed to drift in and out of each others lives and stay friends.
As pathetic as I am maintaining romantic relationships, I do seem to have a knack of being a great ‘friend who’s an ex.’
Adam (AKA: mOji from the SANE days) who seriously rocks vocals and drums, is joined by Mr. X on guitar and Brendon Ghiringhelli on Bass.
(“On guitar” What does that mean? If I had a nice guitar, nobody better be ‘on’ it. Get off my guitar. Now I’m on a Spinal Tap tangent in my head and in Nigels guitar room)
But I digress (as usual)
Spinfarm headed into the recording studio last year and the result was the End Of The World Soundtrack.
You’ll see why on the cover. Those wacky Mayans – they inspire you know?
I asked Adam if I could interview him, and he graciously penciled me in. (I’m typing this intro while waiting for the diva to IM me to do the actual interview … musicians. Pfft. You know how they are.) I jest. He’s busy being a great dad, husband to his beautiful wife and working hard.
Let’s enjoy the music video for the first track from Spinfarm’s CD while we wait.
I responded to my first viewing with ‘”I feel sorry for the dog at the end” 😦 (what every musician wants to hear from someone who just viewed their artistic effort huh?) but was assured that Henry was not left behind and even has his own Facebook page.
What follows is a back and forth interview between myself and my ‘ex who’s a friend’ about rocking out and about making a CD and other ‘stuff’.
There shall be shenanigans and I’m gonna make him name drop, because he’s not only a very talented musician, but a huge fan himself and has had the rare opportunity to jam with some note worthy people.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Me: My first rock interview, I’m a little nervous. May I call you mOji or Adam or do you go by Rock God these days?
Adam: Adam. LOL
Me: I recall, a little band called Rooster Stew. Now you’re in Spinfarm. I see a rural pattern …
Adam: Interesting … My current guitarist named the band Spinfarm, but I can see your point
Me: When I google Spinfarm, it wants to correct me to ‘spin farming’. I’m afraid to click. What’s the skinny on the name?
Adam: I’m actually not 100% sure myself … lol. My guitarist likes to say Home Grown sounds with No GMO’s
Me: GMO’s?
Adam: Genetically Modified Organisms
Me: :-O I’m glad you have none of those. They’d make the music odd
Adam: Indeed … Our music is pure and from the soul. So I’ve been told
Me: Your songs always have been. We’ll just cut to the chase. I’ve given my readers some background – we have a brief history lol. I had the honor of hearing Pantomime Circus live … a lot. Are you proud of the CD version?
Adam: Yes I am. I always thought the lyrics were some of my best. But I thought the music was lacking. What my guitarist came up with and the way we build the song finally does it justice IMO
Me: I really like it – but I’m partial to the solo version. You recorded with Charlie McGovern … how amazing was it to be in the studio??
Adam: It was. Charlie is a long time childhood friend, prior band member and an amazing producer and engineer with an amazing resume. We were tight and well prepared and turned out all the music for all 10 songs in 5 hours. I did all the vocals the following day in one take.
Me: I was so excited for you. You’ve NEVER given up on your music. Hey – let’s play a game. No cheating. I’m going to throw something random (lol) at you and you give me the first words that come to mind K?
Adam: OK … shoot
Me: Boondox
Adam: China Town
Me: Peacemaker
Adam: 45
Me: lol, I knew I’d left that off. Electric Chair
Adam: Straight Jacket
Me: Pantomime Circus
Adam: Ghost Town
Me: Sunset Serenade
Adam: Spaghetti Western
Me: Take your Toll
Adam: Hmmm … Don wrote and sang that one. But I think Vampires
Me: Like Edward Cullen or Vincent Price?
Adam: Vincent Price
Me: K. Higher Low
Adam: Hmmm … Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Me: Nice! Loaded
Adam: Dive Bar
Me: and um … Satan Jam
Adam: That’s a song that our guitarist relatives used to play back in the 70’s. It’s an Ode to …
Me: Okay, phew! Then there’s a bonus track that’s a secret – I’ll be buying my copy and will then know the secret, but can we have a hint?
Adam: Baba O’Reily by The Who … lol
Me: OMG! I LOVE the version you guys do. Seriously well done.
Adam: Thank you 🙂
Me: I just sounded 14. Jeez.
Adam: TEEN BEAT flashbacks
Me: LOL. You know my entire room was plastered in hair band posters
Adam: Indeed my Crue loving friend
Me: Speaking of other artists – I was saying you’re not only a rocker, but a huge fan. You’ve had the opportunity to jam with some pretty amazing artists. Name drop please.
Adam: Love/Hate, LA Guns, Junkyard, Rhino Bucket, Blue Oyster Cult, David Lee Roth, Tesla
Me: Did David have his farm bib pant things on? That would have been apropos
Adam: He was actually wearing a Popeye type sailor suit … but badass as always.
Me: LMAO! He was my first concert. I wore a sweater and heels. Yeah … I didn’t know how to ‘concert’ then. So, when you’re playing arenas, what’s going to be in your rider? No brown M & M’s?
Adam: Hmmm … Beef Jerky, Atomic Fire Balls, lotsa Double Bubble gum and Mt Dew
Me: I knew there would be gum. 😉 What happened to fruit stripe?? Have you abandoned the zebra?
Adam: Flavor doesn’t last as long as Double Bubble. lol. But, not Zebra the band. lol
Me: True, very true. Okay, serious question. How DO you keep time on drums and sing??
Adam: As I tell my step daughter (who plays drums) Practice Practice Practice. Seriously, lots of practicing thru the years
Me: Why do you close your eyes when you sing, but have them open when you’re drumming w/out having to do a vocal?
Adam: Actually, I’ve been told recently that I do the WHITE EYES thing while I’m singing and drumming too. lol … it’s quite odd. But I disappear into the music
Me: LOL! I know those eyes. You do tend to do an early Eddie Vedder when you’re at the mic.
Adam: One of my influences
Me: I know – do you still cover Pearl Jam?
Adam: Not in Spinfarm, But I did do this a few months ago solo
The only cover we do is the Who song in Spinfarm
Me: I was going to ask if you were still doing any solo things as mOji
Adam: Just as Adam. mOji is my old Santa Cruz moniker from my days with SANE
Me: I still have the lunch box somewhere
Adam: Nice
Me: You have a lot going on this Summer – lots of gigs
Adam: Yes, we’re excited
Me: did you create all the fliers? They’re really good
Adam: Yes, I create all the fliers – book all the shows … But I really enjoy it. Connecting the dots. AND the fliers I do with ancient programs, no photoshop here
Me: Too much talent for one person Atom
Adam: LOL
Me: Dream tour … who’s on it with you?
Adam: Hmmm … lets see. Pearl Jam, Love/Hate, Janes Addiction and Ace Frehley
Me: Nice! I’d go. Can the Gin Blossoms and Dave Matthews come too?
Adam: On my acoustic solo tour lol
Me: Yes! Hey … Atom?
Adam: Yes
Me: Where’s your gum?
Adam: Right here —->
Me: lol. Did you want to add anything? Say something mind blowing?
Adam: Beware the lollipop of mediocrity – lick once and you’ll suck forever
Me: And on that … we have a wrap.
Happy Birthday Nicholas
“Twenty years is, after all, a long time. We are not the same people we were. Old friends, lovers, even family members; they are strangers who happen to wear a familiar face. We have no right to claim to know anyone after such a distance …” – Graham Joyce from Some Kind of Fairy Tale
But I do know my son. There has been no distance.
I’ve had some people say to me, “Let him grow up!” As if I haven’t been. Or, “Get your own life” as if I haven’t had one.
Yet, if they found themselves before someone who was suddenly without their partner after 18 years of a constant shared life – would those be the same sentiments offered? “Let them go!” “Get your own life now!”
I would hope not.
Even someone who just lost their pet after so much time would be treated kinder than that.
I know I am not losing my son – but this is the beginning of the end of how things have been for many, many years. And before long, I won’t have the right to say I know him. Not the way I do now.
And that’s as it should be. I know this. I am not stupid.
He was never mine, after all, I merely had the honor of raising him for the world.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I can with utmost certainty look back at my life and my son will never have been one of them.
It has just been he and I for most of these 18 years. And he was my life. Shouldn’t a child be a parents number one priority?
Not putting myself first led me to a happier heart and a wiser soul. I’ll never understand why some children are born into the world to be tolerated and not adored.
Nic was my purpose. And being his mom is my pleasure, not some thief of my own time.
From the moment I felt him kick and hiccup – I loved my baby. I did not want to know the sex. Upon hearing “It’s a son” in the hospital room, March 31st, 1995, I became Nicholas Avery Charles’ mother.
What an amazing experience it’s been!
I remember when I was little wanting to be an archeologist – perhaps a teacher – a writer – a rock star? My interests changed as I grew, but the one constant was knowing I wanted to be somebody’s mom.
This is so hard! My sixth attempt at this post. I haven’t been able to find the right words!
I so wanted this to be the post I look back on as my best. I am writing this to the most important person in my life after all.
I tried just typing, but got so caught up in memories I couldn’t do them justice.
Weighed the options of humor or taking the mushy route and waxing poetic …
Then while reading, the quote I opened with sent me back to the computer.
So, let’s begin.
Nicholas Avery Charles – today you are 18.
You’re on the precipice of something great. You’ll make your way and your own decisions – but you’ll never be alone. I will always be here for you.
I will never stop being your mom.
Never stop wishing the best for you.
Never stop supporting your dreams and goals.
I love you so very much bird.
I’ll try really hard NOT to use the following sentence: “If you want to be treated like an adult, you had better start acting like one!” I hated that.
You don’t suddenly go to bed 17, liking video games, anime and being catered to then wake up 18 with brand new interests and a sudden overnight maturity.
I want to tell you Thank you. Because what you’ve given me just by existing is the largest love I’ve ever known and the most educational experience I’ve ever had, and the strongest bond I’ve ever had with another human being.
Thank you for being my memories, my todays and my hope for the future. I look at you and know that the world will be just fine with people like you in it.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your teens – it’s so odd isn’t it? Technically an adult, still a teenager. It’s hard to know what is expected of you. Well, I personally expect nothing of you. You are right where you are supposed to be, being just who you are meant to be.
There is no right way to be 18.
Make some memories, dream and try not to do anything you’ll wish you could erase upon looking back.
Read books.
Listen to your heart.
Expand your mind.
Have compassion and try not to judge.
Smile and know, you are enough.
Because you are – and you always have been.
And hey … 1,2,3’s and I know you’re not 15 … but I hear this song and think of you. Love you so very very very very much. – Mom. xxxxx
Debauchery Soup 