Category Archives: My Favorites

Why Didn’t They Come Forward Sooner?

Standing at the work station counter sorting condiments.  One knee against the bottom of said counter.

I feel a presence.

Then I feel a hand on my bottom.

“When are you going to share this?”

Shock.  Startle. Freeze.  “My butt?”

“No, THIS.”  Hand shoved down the front of my pants and into my underwear.

Never did I focus so much on my knee and the feeling of the wood against it – I focused so much on my left knee and as the rest of me spiraled out of control and panicked, I felt safety in that grounding sensation.

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I raised my son alone.  Well, I had the help of my parents.  A roof over my head and a mom that adored my bundle of joy.

I hated that I missed his first smile – first laugh.  Hated that I had to work and miss all the good stuff.

But, it was necessary that I work to support him.

His, um, ‘Sperm Donor’ made it very clear when I announced my pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with it.

To the point that “If you try for child support, I’ll quit my job and move in with my parents.”

I was also very young and acting out back then.  We had both experimented quite thoroughly with drugs.  I stopped … he didn’t.

I didn’t want such a person in my son’s life.   My son didn’t deserve someone in his life that didn’t want to be there.

And as I’ve consistently pointed out to my son, it wasn’t a personal attack on him, because he didn’t KNOW him and REJECT him, he just didn’t want to be a father, period.

I didn’t take that out on the paternal grandparents however, and gave them an opportunity to be just that.

They didn’t want it either.

And there you have it.  No paternal support.  Not emotionally, not physically and not financially.

I bring all of that up so you realize how important keeping my job was to me.  Sole provider.

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I drove to the home I had at the time – a yacht.

I was shaken.  Crying.  One of my best friends happened to be outside on his boat.

Saw me – called me over.  I bawled and shared everything.

We happened to know a lawyer.

I was pensive to say the least.

Terrified to lose my job and not be able to support my child, terrified to confront my assaulter.

But, I knew what he had done was so completely wrong and if it was that easy for him, probably other’s had been through it.

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Deposition.

Time had passed and my lawyer recommended I wear the same color clothing as my eyes.  “It makes you more believable.”  Wait.  What?? I was only going to tell the truth anyway.

Lawyers know what they’re doing.  I complied.

I had already quit the job.

He was there.

He sat there – with a polystyrene cup over his nose and with his mouth, munching on it.

That’s how seriously HE took this. His assistant manager (Should mention ‘he’ was the owner of the entire company) silently scolded him.  I found it extremely offensive and was already terrified to be in the same room with him.  Assistant Manager was actually very kind to me the whole time I worked there and I like to believe was just as disgusted with his boss as I was.

I had to answer many questions.

I had to answer them in front of my predator.

“Did you wear a revealing Halloween costume?”  “Have you been an actress?” (I was in a local murder mystery play).  “You say on your resume you’re a published author, how is this true?” Me: “I’m in the library of Congress”.

“How many sexual partners have you had”

(Like that has ANY bearing on CONSENSUAL touching).

Then:

“Who is the father of your child?”

AND.

That’s where it stopped.

I didn’t want him involved.

Did not want someone unhealthy forced into interaction with my son.

Did not go to trial.

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“Why do they wait?”

When you are assaulted, so much goes through your head.

Is it worth losing my job over, I really need my job.

Will anyone believe me over someone so prominent and powerful?

I’m going to embarrass their wife/partner.

I’ll be talked about.

I’ll have to face them.

Public defenders do their job, and I’m NOT putting them down.  Because God forbid, I ever need one, I need them on my side.

But I’m pretty certain when a case comes up and they have to advocate for a guilty person, they don’t sleep well at night.

I hope they don’t anyway.

Because I was VERY credible and VERY violated and he did not go easy on me in that room.

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Latest news.

Accusers. “WHY DIDN’T THEY COME FORWARD SOONER?”  And I read this from WOMEN!!!!!!!  Why?

WHY?

Because it’s horrid.  It’s embarrassing.  Because your entire PAST is brought up.

YOU are treated like a slut.

Someone that ASKED for it.

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That’s their job.

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I’ve been through two rapes.

I’m not allowed to vote, because I’m a ‘legal alien’

So, I’m reading comments about ‘those women’ who are accusing and how disgusting they are.  And feeling very angry.

I actually unfriended a very good friend not because of their political beliefs, but because they questioned ‘the accusers’  very insultingly.  And I can’t handle that anymore.

I just can’t.

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I AM broken.

But, I am not beyond repair.

I’ve made my life livable and made my life loveable.

I have fallen in love with someone and STILL support and love my son. Maybe I’m not as broken as I thought I was.

I numb myself, and am working on fixing that.  Because I shouldn’t .

I degrade myself because I feel small.   And I shouldn’t.

But the ‘why now’ thing … If I HAD kept an assault quiet, then years later heard my assailant on the news speaking so horribly about women – then denying any wrong doing, that would be a trigger for me.  Then imagine that person could hold the highest office in the country.  I would HAVE to come forward in the hopes of doing anything to try to stop that from happening.

So.

Go easy on the “Why are they coming forward now?”

If you haven’t been through a rape kit – shut the fuck up.  And if you haven’t felt like your job is on the line if you don’t put up with things, shut the fuck up.

Sorry.

I hate the vulgarity that I have used.  But this is clearly a very emotional topic for me.

And I will say now, “Telly Telly” is going to be ‘he who shall not be named’s” downfall.

When I was small, I asked “May I please watch the Telly?”  Television. And I’m pretty certain “The candidate” didn’t share THAT nickname with anyone outside of his circle.

I hope shudders went down his families spine when that phrase was uttered.  Although, I think they knew all along.

Too much detail.

Too much dread with him.

PLEASE don’t vote for him.

 

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Sandwich bags, falling and senior discount. What?!

It all started with the sandwich bag paradigm.  You buy a packet and it’s over 150 and you’re thinking “these are going to last forever!”  And then you’re packing a sandwich and where the heck did those bags GO?

Much like life.

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Drudging up the hill to 50.

We think we have so much time, so much available and … “Where did it go???”

I ‘met’ someone a few months ago that I’ve ‘known’ since 6th grade.

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I’m conquering my biggest fear to see them, and other friends I haven’t seen in over a decade.

I’m terrified.  Not so much anymore about the flight, but – what could be, what I could fuck up, what might have been – etc. etc.

I have hope. I do!

OK, I HAD hope – because I’m constantly being told I’m attractive and then today – I went to Ross on a Tuesday and purchased jeans for my trip to the Central Coast.

Got to the checkout after feeling very frisky and gorgeous and appreciating my body – size 7 – skinny jeans.

The flipping young girl at the register gave me the “Tuesday Special” discount. Which, is 55 and over.

Really????

Recent Pic:

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I’m not even going to ask if I look 55.

But hey, I got a discount.  Lol.

As for the trip – I’m getting over my fear of flying by reading very positive posts.

I’m adjusting to my new meds and venturing out – the agoraphobiac I am.

I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, and … Honestly?  Mostly hoping things go well with D.F.M.

Because I deserve it.

And because it’s about damn time.

And … Because, if I can fly somewhere, I can get over my anxiety/panic disorder.

 

And I will!

 

 

Rivers and Anticipation

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In less than 2 weeks, I take the plunge – and I seriously hope not literally.

I will be boarding a plane – which, combined with my fear of heights, is the ultimate fear for me.

I will say, that on my new meds, I DID conquer Walmart!  And not just Walmart, but, Walmart at its most busy. The sign up for the annual River Regatta.

People floor to floor signing up or buying booze or flotation devices.  And I walked it, and I was amongst it, and nobody knew I was terrified.

I kept my head down, focused on being positive.  Focused on being healthy.  AND!

I did it.  What did I buy?  Watermelon juice lol.  But, I freaking did it.

I’m so floored and ashamed of the way our river was treated this weekend.  I don’t ever participate – I think mostly because I’m so pale – but, also, don’t want to be downstream from 30,000 people peeing in the river. Lol.

I spent my weekend loving those I love. My son, My future. And watching WAY too much Netflix.

But, on a side note,this was the aftermath of the event.  Very disturbing. If you come to do this event, flipping clean up!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bunny Update … After the Musing.

OK, if you haven’t caught up, catch up now.  Read THIS post.

Then come back.

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I came home, fed the babies again.

Was speaking back and forth with my mom who is a HUGE animal advocate and thankfully, a huge network of people.

She found someone close who was ready and willing and able to give MY (yes, I totally bonded) babies the attention and love they deserve.

I wavered.

I had bonded.

They had made it through the night!

THEY TOOK THEIR FIRST STEPS WITH ME!!

They really did.  When I found them, they were flopping like fish.  This morning’s feeding had them using their legs, walking up me … I had to swaddle to nurse them.

 

I have finally downloaded the videos I took during my short, short time as a bunny foster mom.

The first video … When I was still trying to find Bunny Mom.

And I did.

I played Alice and searched and searched for that rabbit hole.

As I said in my first post, once darkness fell, and rain was imminent … They HAD to come inside.

Life or death situation. (I’ll speak about that later.)

They survived the night!  I nursed and they lived!

I fed them.  I bonded.  And then … My mom, who is very active in animal advocate circles, found someone close who could do better than I could.

Give them more than I could.

So, my last videos:

One of the bunnies with hiccups:

ANNNNND … My goodbye. 😦

SO! My babies are gone.

The adoptive mom was lovely.  As were her children.

They already have a bunny.   She’s a dog groomer – and as I said before, a huge animal advocate.  I slipped her my email address.

“Please tell me good or bad how they’re doing.”

I had the bunnies tucked under my cardigan, it was pouring rain. I had their little bag ready.

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And I cried, and I cried, and I cried.

Still crying.

I feel like Alice had something to do with my ‘meeting’ of these beautiful creatures.

I went down her rabbit hole.  A healing.  Being of service.  Loving something smaller and vulnerable.

And it happened with my mom.

‘Alice’ knew one of my favorite books (other than Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) was Watership Down.

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Sensible informative part of my emotional post:

If you see a baby w/out it’s mom … Wait!

Rabbits will abandon (temporarily) their young to redirect a predator.

The babies may not BE abandoned!

There is a LOT of work involved in raising wild rabbits – they NEED the environment for immunities and such.  So, it’s not ideal to try to raise one without doing MUCH research.

Rabbits are one of the few that DON’T abandon their young if you’ve ‘touched them’.  If you give one shelter for the night, and feel it’s safe to return, RETURN IT!

My situation was dictated by a storm, a very dangerous spot that I found them in and the fact that we have many predators … Otherwise, I would have left them alone.

Ok, maybe I would have watched to be sure mom came to get them, but, I would not have taken them inside if there was no other way.

I assure you.

Two babies live today – and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken them in.

Of that, I’m certain.

And thanks ‘Alice’ – you know who you are – even though you’re not reading this.  I think you put those babies in my path.

 

From Boy to Man – and About Alice.

Had a squabble with my son today.

It was unpleasant.

It came on the heels of his 21st birthday.

21!!!

I started this blog when he was still walking up a dirt road to catch his bus to school!

He was this little …

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Our squabble?  It was over a bird.

He wanted/wants a bird.

I said no.

We rent – they poop.  We rent – they scratch their seeds.  We rent – he doesn’t pay any of it.

Truth is, I’ve always wanted a bird too.

But, not a caged one.

One I could put to bed after it flew free in my (owned) home with interaction.

We don’t have that to give.

What he DID get for his birthday was semi-impulsive and it dawned on me today, he has more of me in him than I had thought.

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What he didn’t DO on his birthday made me proud.

He thought he was driving later to a friends after his birthday dinner to do college homework – so, he didn’t have a drop of alcohol.

I SO appreciate that.

Respect that.

My son has common sense.

As for the tattoo (of which, I have four) I didn’t love it.

No, I’ll be honest.

I didn’t love the idea of it – because, he HAD a plan.

He wanted to integrate nature and technology and was going to be proud to have that imbedded in his flesh for eternity.

After consulting with a tattoo artist, he was told it would be 5-6 hours in a chair and perhaps he needed a pre-tattoo.  (I’m sure that wasn’t the sentence the guy used – but hey, I’m paraphrasing.)

I felt like he was being coerced into an extra tat.

When Nic sent me a mock up of the tat – and I saw Alice –

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I knew he didn’t have me in mind.  (Although, I WAS hoping for his first to be “MOM” in a heart – just kidding.)

Because, this is what he brought me back from his big trip to England:

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But, he had heard the story over and over of when I was in a bus in India as a child reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the bus hit a man.

No one really cared.

But, when we hit a chicken!!!!  We had to pay for not only that chicken, but the chickens it would produce, the eggs those offspring would produce etc. etc.

One less mouth to feed in a 3rd world country is above food that feeds them – to a degree.

I kept reading on that bus – but did catch a glimpse of hamburger head.

It was horrible.

But, we took him somewhere good – and my mind stayed in that book.

Bottom line, I said:

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And he is honest.  Like me – to the point of discounting himself, if that’s even possible.

We try it, we do – but to lie – it doesn’t lay softly on our chests.  I’m glad he got not only impulsiveness, but HONESTY from me.

And now we’ll both always have Alice.