Category Archives: My Favorites
When I heard the agonizing scream from outside to the table I sat notarizing documents upon, I knew something horrific had happened.
Then I heard the second “NO!!!!!”
I could barely focus – immediately the empath in me had eyes watering and vision blurred.
I absolutely felt the sorrow.
I had just seen the gentleman last week. And when I say ‘Gentleman’ I mean that truly.
This was a happy, loving, GIVING person. Fortunate due to the effort he’d put into his life and … suddenly gone at 56 and alone in his chair when he did so. His wife was here waiting for his arrival when she got the news. He passed alone.
He wasn’t sick. He had plans, as we do. But, time doesn’t factor that in for us does it?
A long time client and very dear friend to two of my bosses.
Today was filled with tears because, when someone I love is hurting, I FEEL their pain in a visceral way.
Also, I had experienced this person so recently and knew what kindness and generosity he shared.
I found myself questioning again ‘The Higher Power’s’ choices.
One of my dearest friends started chemo today.
I’m ashamed to say, a fact I found out later in the day after receiving no response from her.
I was sick last week – and isn’t it silly that I didn’t want to visit her in my condition considering hers? But, I didn’t want her immune system compromised for her impending procedure.
The woman who has given of herself and loved the helpless and hopeless.
Why not the pedophiles?? Why not the evil at heart???? WHY???? Why the good ones? And don’t come back at me with ‘He has a plan.’
What plan would any father have to subject his smallest, youngest children to cancer? To famine? To fear and war?
None I say.
I’m a little bitter right now if you haven’t noticed.
As we wept, I considered the fact that the two most affected already have a plan.
They want to spend the rest of their days together. Retired.
And I’ve been looking at my life too.
What do I want for myself?
Nothing material, that’s for sure.
But with every ‘spell’ every ‘bad day’ physically, I find myself contemplating my last days.
And bottom line is:
Preciousness of the time I have remaining.
It could be gone in a minute.
Then I remember what is important.
I always do.
People. Service. LOVE. Loving others. Friends, family, strangers.
Not cars or clothes or cash.
It’s never been those things for me. And I’m grateful I’ve always had that attitude.
But I DO ask myself is:
THAT is what is important.
So, if my last day on the planet is tomorrow – I hope I’ve fulfilled that last one at least!
Standing at the work station counter sorting condiments. One knee against the bottom of said counter.
I feel a presence.
Then I feel a hand on my bottom.
“When are you going to share this?”
Shock. Startle. Freeze. “My butt?”
“No, THIS.” Hand shoved down the front of my pants and into my underwear.
Never did I focus so much on my knee and the feeling of the wood against it – I focused so much on my left knee and as the rest of me spiraled out of control and panicked, I felt safety in that grounding sensation.
I raised my son alone. Well, I had the help of my parents. A roof over my head and a mom that adored my bundle of joy.
I hated that I missed his first smile – first laugh. Hated that I had to work and miss all the good stuff.
But, it was necessary that I work to support him.
His, um, ‘Sperm Donor’ made it very clear when I announced my pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with it.
To the point that “If you try for child support, I’ll quit my job and move in with my parents.”
I was also very young and acting out back then. We had both experimented quite thoroughly with drugs. I stopped … he didn’t.
I didn’t want such a person in my son’s life. My son didn’t deserve someone in his life that didn’t want to be there.
And as I’ve consistently pointed out to my son, it wasn’t a personal attack on him, because he didn’t KNOW him and REJECT him, he just didn’t want to be a father, period.
I didn’t take that out on the paternal grandparents however, and gave them an opportunity to be just that.
They didn’t want it either.
And there you have it. No paternal support. Not emotionally, not physically and not financially.
I bring all of that up so you realize how important keeping my job was to me. Sole provider.
I drove to the home I had at the time – a yacht.
I was shaken. Crying. One of my best friends happened to be outside on his boat.
Saw me – called me over. I bawled and shared everything.
We happened to know a lawyer.
I was pensive to say the least.
Terrified to lose my job and not be able to support my child, terrified to confront my assaulter.
But, I knew what he had done was so completely wrong and if it was that easy for him, probably other’s had been through it.
Time had passed and my lawyer recommended I wear the same color clothing as my eyes. “It makes you more believable.” Wait. What?? I was only going to tell the truth anyway.
Lawyers know what they’re doing. I complied.
I had already quit the job.
He was there.
He sat there – with a polystyrene cup over his nose and with his mouth, munching on it.
That’s how seriously HE took this. His assistant manager (Should mention ‘he’ was the owner of the entire company) silently scolded him. I found it extremely offensive and was already terrified to be in the same room with him. Assistant Manager was actually very kind to me the whole time I worked there and I like to believe was just as disgusted with his boss as I was.
I had to answer many questions.
I had to answer them in front of my predator.
“Did you wear a revealing Halloween costume?” “Have you been an actress?” (I was in a local murder mystery play). “You say on your resume you’re a published author, how is this true?” Me: “I’m in the library of Congress”.
“How many sexual partners have you had”
(Like that has ANY bearing on CONSENSUAL touching).
“Who is the father of your child?”
That’s where it stopped.
I didn’t want him involved.
Did not want someone unhealthy forced into interaction with my son.
Did not go to trial.
“Why do they wait?”
When you are assaulted, so much goes through your head.
Is it worth losing my job over, I really need my job.
Will anyone believe me over someone so prominent and powerful?
I’m going to embarrass their wife/partner.
I’ll be talked about.
I’ll have to face them.
Public defenders do their job, and I’m NOT putting them down. Because God forbid, I ever need one, I need them on my side.
But I’m pretty certain when a case comes up and they have to advocate for a guilty person, they don’t sleep well at night.
I hope they don’t anyway.
Because I was VERY credible and VERY violated and he did not go easy on me in that room.
Accusers. “WHY DIDN’T THEY COME FORWARD SOONER?” And I read this from WOMEN!!!!!!! Why?
Because it’s horrid. It’s embarrassing. Because your entire PAST is brought up.
YOU are treated like a slut.
Someone that ASKED for it.
That’s their job.
I’ve been through two rapes.
I’m not allowed to vote, because I’m a ‘legal alien’
So, I’m reading comments about ‘those women’ who are accusing and how disgusting they are. And feeling very angry.
I actually unfriended a very good friend not because of their political beliefs, but because they questioned ‘the accusers’ very insultingly. And I can’t handle that anymore.
I just can’t.
I AM broken.
But, I am not beyond repair.
I’ve made my life livable and made my life loveable.
I have fallen in love with someone and STILL support and love my son. Maybe I’m not as broken as I thought I was.
I numb myself, and am working on fixing that. Because I shouldn’t .
I degrade myself because I feel small. And I shouldn’t.
But the ‘why now’ thing … If I HAD kept an assault quiet, then years later heard my assailant on the news speaking so horribly about women – then denying any wrong doing, that would be a trigger for me. Then imagine that person could hold the highest office in the country. I would HAVE to come forward in the hopes of doing anything to try to stop that from happening.
Go easy on the “Why are they coming forward now?”
If you haven’t been through a rape kit – shut the fuck up. And if you haven’t felt like your job is on the line if you don’t put up with things, shut the fuck up.
I hate the vulgarity that I have used. But this is clearly a very emotional topic for me.
And I will say now, “Telly Telly” is going to be ‘he who shall not be named’s” downfall.
When I was small, I asked “May I please watch the Telly?” Television. And I’m pretty certain “The candidate” didn’t share THAT nickname with anyone outside of his circle.
I hope shudders went down his families spine when that phrase was uttered. Although, I think they knew all along.
Too much detail.
Too much dread with him.
PLEASE don’t vote for him.
In less than 2 weeks, I take the plunge – and I seriously hope not literally.
I will be boarding a plane – which, combined with my fear of heights, is the ultimate fear for me.
I will say, that on my new meds, I DID conquer Walmart! And not just Walmart, but, Walmart at its most busy. The sign up for the annual River Regatta.
People floor to floor signing up or buying booze or flotation devices. And I walked it, and I was amongst it, and nobody knew I was terrified.
I kept my head down, focused on being positive. Focused on being healthy. AND!
I did it. What did I buy? Watermelon juice lol. But, I freaking did it.
I’m so floored and ashamed of the way our river was treated this weekend. I don’t ever participate – I think mostly because I’m so pale – but, also, don’t want to be downstream from 30,000 people peeing in the river. Lol.
I spent my weekend loving those I love. My son, My future. And watching WAY too much Netflix.
But, on a side note,this was the aftermath of the event. Very disturbing. If you come to do this event, flipping clean up!!!!!!!!!
OK, if you haven’t caught up, catch up now. Read THIS post.
Then come back.
I came home, fed the babies again.
Was speaking back and forth with my mom who is a HUGE animal advocate and thankfully, a huge network of people.
She found someone close who was ready and willing and able to give MY (yes, I totally bonded) babies the attention and love they deserve.
I had bonded.
They had made it through the night!
THEY TOOK THEIR FIRST STEPS WITH ME!!
They really did. When I found them, they were flopping like fish. This morning’s feeding had them using their legs, walking up me … I had to swaddle to nurse them.
I have finally downloaded the videos I took during my short, short time as a bunny foster mom.
The first video … When I was still trying to find Bunny Mom.
And I did.
I played Alice and searched and searched for that rabbit hole.
As I said in my first post, once darkness fell, and rain was imminent … They HAD to come inside.
Life or death situation. (I’ll speak about that later.)
They survived the night! I nursed and they lived!
I fed them. I bonded. And then … My mom, who is very active in animal advocate circles, found someone close who could do better than I could.
Give them more than I could.
So, my last videos:
One of the bunnies with hiccups:
ANNNNND … My goodbye. 😦
SO! My babies are gone.
The adoptive mom was lovely. As were her children.
They already have a bunny. She’s a dog groomer – and as I said before, a huge animal advocate. I slipped her my email address.
“Please tell me good or bad how they’re doing.”
I had the bunnies tucked under my cardigan, it was pouring rain. I had their little bag ready.
And I cried, and I cried, and I cried.
I feel like Alice had something to do with my ‘meeting’ of these beautiful creatures.
I went down her rabbit hole. A healing. Being of service. Loving something smaller and vulnerable.
And it happened with my mom.
‘Alice’ knew one of my favorite books (other than Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland) was Watership Down.
Sensible informative part of my emotional post:
If you see a baby w/out it’s mom … Wait!
Rabbits will abandon (temporarily) their young to redirect a predator.
The babies may not BE abandoned!
There is a LOT of work involved in raising wild rabbits – they NEED the environment for immunities and such. So, it’s not ideal to try to raise one without doing MUCH research.
Rabbits are one of the few that DON’T abandon their young if you’ve ‘touched them’. If you give one shelter for the night, and feel it’s safe to return, RETURN IT!
My situation was dictated by a storm, a very dangerous spot that I found them in and the fact that we have many predators … Otherwise, I would have left them alone.
Ok, maybe I would have watched to be sure mom came to get them, but, I would not have taken them inside if there was no other way.
I assure you.
Two babies live today – and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken them in.
Of that, I’m certain.
And thanks ‘Alice’ – you know who you are – even though you’re not reading this. I think you put those babies in my path.