When I heard the agonizing scream from outside to the table I sat notarizing documents upon, I knew something horrific had happened.
Then I heard the second “NO!!!!!”
I could barely focus – immediately the empath in me had eyes watering and vision blurred.
I absolutely felt the sorrow.
I had just seen the gentleman last week. And when I say ‘Gentleman’ I mean that truly.
This was a happy, loving, GIVING person. Fortunate due to the effort he’d put into his life and … suddenly gone at 56 and alone in his chair when he did so. His wife was here waiting for his arrival when she got the news. He passed alone.
He wasn’t sick. He had plans, as we do. But, time doesn’t factor that in for us does it?
A long time client and very dear friend to two of my bosses.
Today was filled with tears because, when someone I love is hurting, I FEEL their pain in a visceral way.
Also, I had experienced this person so recently and knew what kindness and generosity he shared.
I found myself questioning again ‘The Higher Power’s’ choices.
One of my dearest friends started chemo today.
I’m ashamed to say, a fact I found out later in the day after receiving no response from her.
I was sick last week – and isn’t it silly that I didn’t want to visit her in my condition considering hers? But, I didn’t want her immune system compromised for her impending procedure.
The woman who has given of herself and loved the helpless and hopeless.
Why not the pedophiles?? Why not the evil at heart???? WHY???? Why the good ones? And don’t come back at me with ‘He has a plan.’
What plan would any father have to subject his smallest, youngest children to cancer? To famine? To fear and war?
None I say.
I’m a little bitter right now if you haven’t noticed.
As we wept, I considered the fact that the two most affected already have a plan.
They want to spend the rest of their days together. Retired.
And I’ve been looking at my life too.
What do I want for myself?
Nothing material, that’s for sure.
But with every ‘spell’ every ‘bad day’ physically, I find myself contemplating my last days.
And bottom line is:
Preciousness of the time I have remaining.
It could be gone in a minute.
Then I remember what is important.
I always do.
People. Service. LOVE. Loving others. Friends, family, strangers.
Not cars or clothes or cash.
It’s never been those things for me. And I’m grateful I’ve always had that attitude.
But I DO ask myself is:
THAT is what is important.
So, if my last day on the planet is tomorrow – I hope I’ve fulfilled that last one at least!
It’s still too early to sleep – but that’s what I want.
How do I feel? I feel dank.
Dank and dark and hopeless – and hopeful and grateful all at the same time.
Does that make sense? No.
I feel like I have been peeled alive and felt every bit of it, but am still grateful for being alive.
I am missing my mum.
I am hating what is the ‘waiting game’. Knowing everyone gets what the outcome is.
Horrific isn’t it? That I’m waiting day by day (as is she, but MUCH more personally) for the ‘finale’
I won’t put a full stop there on purpose.
It is not a mistake in the sentence.
And there will be no mistaking the grief.
I feel guilty for wanting my mum home, because it will be when her mum, and my Nannie has passed.