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Mending my heart – with the boy who stole it
What a difference a day makes!
I’m feeling hopeful and positive. Even while our town is ensconced in fog – a rarity for our area.
It’s so beautiful.
I have to share with you a dream I had the other night.
In it, I was told that my heart condition could no longer be helped by the medicines I took. I was told I could be part of a group that were being ‘put to sleep’. It was explained that it was a mercy ending and did I want to participate?
I thought about it and decided it was probably the best route. I didn’t want to put my family through a sudden ugly passing. I also somehow knew if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would die alone.
The time was arranged and I told my friends.
The day of the arranged ‘end’ – I went to the clinic. There were others there, dressed comfortably and quietly entering a room.
I changed my mind.
I was told that the only way I could get out of it was to have my doctor give his permission.
I could not for the life of me (no pun intended) remember my doctor’s name! I scoured through a phone book until I finally found him. I called – and there was no answer.
It was at this time, that I should have been dead. I remember checking my Facebook and seeing that a friend had posted a tribute – it was me and a naked mole rat (yup, that little creature at the top of this page). The post had 34 likes at the time I saw it.
I was still alive, but no one knew. So … I ended up going into that room.
I felt the IV – I felt the liquid entering my body and felt myself going under. I tried to fight it – but knew it was too late. I was never to wake up.
As you can imagine, I was very grateful to wake up yesterday morning – and realized – that I needed to address what was hurting my heart.
This rift with my favorite person on the planet was now manifesting not only physically, but into nightmares.
Something had to be done – and so last night, I had a conversation with my son.
I shared my concerns and asked the questions I needed answers to.
When I opened myself up to my son, he opened back.
Honesty.
Truth.
It was wonderful.
I found a way to help him last night – and as I did, I realized not only were we solving one of his problems together, but I was getting the time I needed with him in the process.
Win win.
I typed as he dictated a late paper. I saw an area I could be of service – let him focus on the words and let my aptitude for touch typing at great speed make the task less daunting. Get it done so he could get the rest he needed.
We exchanged glances and smiles and laughed together.
“This is how it should be.” I told him. “A balance. Of school and work and relationships and fun – and us. I missed you. And you must reach out when you need help.”
(Which is funny coming from me – ask anyone who truly knows me who has tried to offer their help. I’m SO stubborn – and will only resort to accepting aid if my problem begins to affect those I love.)
I awoke at 11:30 to a sound in my room – and climbing onto my giant bed, was my boy. I suddenly had my entire little family close to me.
Butters snoring on one side, Nic finding sleep on the other. I daren’t move – my heart was smiling.
If that was the last moment of such closeness I get – I’ll hold tight to it. My boy breathing and dreaming, my dog nestled up on my pillow. I lay there and though I was tired, wanted to soak up every second of that. Until my eyes closed again and I found sleep.
And there were no nightmares last night.
Musings from the Laundromat: Peace love and wind edition
Woke last night to the howling of wind – debris clashing about in my yard – the metal shed bending and snapping – and smiled. And curled into a tighter ball beneath my covers.
Oh how I LOVE this time of year! From 130 degrees to 50! It was 50 in the car on the way over to the laundromat this morning.
Deeeee-lightful!
I walked in and was greeted by a man in dark glasses, a leather biker vest and plaid shirt. “You made it!” He said.
I’ll chat with whomever strikes up a conversation with me – but I could not recall having struck one up with him these past laundromat years “Yeah!” I responded.
He then went on to share, as I filled my washing machines, how this wind is kicking dust up into his eyes and he just had cataract surgery.
So now I’m wondering if that’s why he’s talking to me – he thinks I’m someone else? I also hoped that meant he didn’t see the pair of underwear on the floor that escaped during the washing machine filling. (Seriously – EVERY time??? I have rebellious undies.)
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Big news – I left the house yesterday.
You think I’m joking – but nope, I did. AND put makeup on. Eek!
It was an event for work and the theme was peace love and disco.
(The disco part proved to be difficult after 2 prime rib plates and 3 desserts, but I soldiered though it.)
It was amazing. Have to admit, I was going into full panic attack mode as I approached the venue and parked.
Didn’t help that as I was walking from my car to the building (a casino) two men came out and leered – one said “Thank YOOOU” to me. I had never wanted a trench coat to magically appear on me more in my life.
I entered the building and headed for the escalators – up I went – eyes front, as I heard wolf whistles from the bar below.
Okay, it’s nice to get a compliment from time to time, but I was CRINGING inside. Wishing that magical coat would appear and wrap tightly around me. Did not happen.
I decided to walk the rest of the way with my head up and a purposeful gait. Which probably only made me look like a stuck up hooker.
It’s quite a walk to the actual destination – but I made it. When I walked in – WOW! Amazing. The place was decked out! (My ipad isn’t really the best at capturing ‘wow’ especially in dimly lit rooms)
I found my people and anxiety level started to drop.
A friend of mine found me “How did they get you OUT?!” Ha ha – but she knows me.
I’ll share another picture – I can’t say what event, where or who my work family is – but I don’t think they’d mind me sharing anonymously. That’s me on the left – the 5th wheel. lol
Apparently there was a senator there – I don’t know my government officials so the coolness of that was sort of lost on me.
I did get to do the Hustle and my best Saturday Night Fever moves. I did get to laugh and watch as my work family accepted awards. And I’m not kidding when I say I had two plates of food. I hadn’t had red meat in a loooooong time – I was not fooling around when it came to eating last night!
And now it’s time to empty the drier – and PRAY no underwear dives to the floor as there is a table of 5 men next to my folding station.
Until next time –
Musing from the Laundromat: TGIN!
TGIN!
Thank god it’s November!
Here was last nights sky – full of promise and beauty – and I think my retina is forever damaged for having looked straight at it (through glass no less) to take the picture, but it was worth it.
October had enough ‘suck’ in it to dampen even the most optimistic of souls.
I felt bombarded by ‘suck’.
At one of my lowest points, I was even called ‘worse than the Nazis’ by a holocaust survivor. You can’t top that. No you can’t. I officially win the ‘most insulted’ contest in the world.
I didn’t deserve that. But I considered the bitter, ignorant source and let it go.
Let’s do a recap.
Lost love I’d been waiting patiently and devotedly 16 months for. Nice 3 night, 2 day visit with the man I thought I was going to be old with on a porch one day.
Got the award-winning insult from a misinformed, interfering party.
Car broke.
Car broke again.
Sons car died on me.
Had no groceries for almost two weeks due to car fix.
Ah – but good things come from bad. I have a clean slate for November.
The love thing – it was better I found out early on (early – lol – after 16 months) that the Prince was a Frog.
The insult – I’ve got no bright side to that, other than confirming how completely toxic the insulter actually is.
Car – it could have left me stranded in a really bad spot – but didn’t. Both times I was able to get the car carefully home and arrange a way to get to work.
No groceries? I survived. All those things in the pantry I bypassed for other things? They got the attention they deserved. Although, it will be a while before I want to eat oatmeal or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again.
1st world problems eh?
I’m rich with blessings still.
So I’ll shut up about October.
Let’s peek at our featured laundromat patron.
I call her ‘crossing lady’. She sat and crossed her feet – uncrossed, lifted her legs into the air and crossed them the opposite way. It was mesmerizing.
Over and over – restless feet on this lovely little lady – I wonder if she used to be a dancer.
In other news – my YouTube channel has been fun to do – but only readers of my blog are really going to find any of the entries interesting. Or maybe not. LOL!
Much like this site of mine – I’ll eventually find my voice there too.
Why am I doing it? Because I’m determined to get out of my anxiety shell. Put myself out there and push the nerves down, down … to the very tips of my toes..
Speaking of getting out of my anxiety shell – I actually left the house this weekend. I did! I’m a hermit. I am. I’d rather be home. But when I DO go out, I’m the girl who strides over to a stranger with my hand out saying “Hi! I’m Amanda.”
I went to a ‘grown up’ event Halloween (good thing they didn’t want to see my ‘grown up’ membership card, because I don’t have one.)
Enjoyed sitting with friends – meeting new people and while I only stayed a couple of hours, I was glad I did it.
So here’s to November! May it be filled with GOOD and hope and joy.
I think if I focus on those things, its bound to be.
Check out my channel and subscribe if you’re so inclined. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=debauchery+soup
And here’s one from Show and Tell Tuesday. Yeah – it’s lame. But it is taking guts I really need to work on developing to make – so I was proud I got through it without stumbling and blushing and being incapable of speech.
Gotta love those freeze frame pictures! LOL! Oh well. All part of becoming more comfortable.
Now I shall be eating a cupcake and relaxing this beautiful Sunday – Until next time – PEACE!
Behind the Curtain
I had a post decided for today – and it was dark. It was to be about my current mood – still ensconced in heart ache. It was to be about feeling Hopeless. No longer expecting anything with any measure of confidence for myself – no longer cherishing or desiring with anticipation.
But as a believer in contagious moods and in keeping with looking for good – I made the decision to apply that to myself.
I declared today Pajama Day! And as I lay on my bed watching a movie – a ray of light found its way onto my television screen.
I paused the movie, fetched a beautiful piece of material to cover the sheer curtain on the offending window and stopped. And noticed. And was inspired.
I give you – Behind the Curtain.
This is what I saw – and it caught my breath. I had covered my Thai Buddha and plant while shutting out the light – and in the process, brought some into myself.
I was fascinated and began to play.
I looked around my room for other suitable silhouettes.
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I so love the elbow pushing against the cloth during this ’embrace’
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And lastly – the ‘offending’ window – that brought unexpected light.
To you today I say: May your mundane astound you, and may you stop and notice beauty even with a heavy heart. – Amanda
Whorls in the wood and the stupid curtains
I was feeling a little melancholy.
I awoke with lots to do – but after a night of tossing and turning and dreaming of old love and new love – cats and snakes – I decided to ease gently into the day with coffee, breakfast and a movie in bed.
The movie was ‘One Day’ a sweet romantic drama about a long-awaited love coming to fruition. Their story took years – but having waited 17 months to be in my love’s arms – I related on an emotional level.
I was still in my pajamas – went outside to sip my coffeebefore the desert sun claimed that side of the house, and looked down at the deck.
I imagined myself in France or Italy, some small provincial town. On a little patio, with coffee in hand – perhaps the aroma of herbs and flowers drifting past me in a light breeze.
I imagined grass and gardens and quaint countryside.
I imagined going back inside and seeing my little home – a window seat next to piles of books. Mismatched colorful pillows and copious amounts of fragrant candles, a tea kettle on the stove and a lazy cat sunning itself on a comfortable chair. Classical music filling every room as I padded bare foot with my coffee back to the bedroom.
I snapped back to reality when sirens sounded in the distance – had my usual ‘I hope no one is too badly hurt’ thought then returned to the whorls in the wood.
I could be sitting on any deck if I set my mind to it. This was the thought I carried inside clutching my coffee – as I padded bare foot past my reality.
Herbs are present – in planters that take up the whole of my dining room table. The rest of my home … well – it’s a rental and I think of it as a sufficient ‘shell’.
Nothing about it says ‘me’ except – inside, there has been so much love and so much laughter with my son.
This shell has seen me become humble and grateful.
Soon my love will be stepping through the very door I daydreamed through.
I’m anxious about the interior’s appearance.
My list of things to do consists of, once again, preparing the superficial to a degree of a satisfactory first impression.
An impossible task considering what i have to work with.
I hung new curtains in my bedroom and hated them. I told him so.
His response:
“If you hate them, why do you use them? OMG – ladies. I will have you, not your curtains”
It made me laugh.
And of course he’s right. And I’m wise enough to know the material things don’t matter, but I care about the shell being tidy and welcoming.
The curtains are lovely, but I refer to them as ‘the stupid curtains’ – mostly because they represent the silly need I feel to have objects make an impression.
As we skyped, and laughed today – while my very real dog barked from my comfortable sofa, I knew once we were looking at that deck – that whorl – together – nothing else would matter.
Especially not the stupid curtains.
Debauchery Soup 