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A weed and a daughter
I had a dream.
Bonkers dream.
Covering a naked mole rats head in some sort of adhesive and putting sprinkles on it! It’s head was covered in sprinkles THEN! You got to clothe it. UG!
What the fudge was that about?!
Then my honey pulled weeds and one lingered by the gate – and I saw a naked mole rat in it. I put it on the counter ledge and it fell.
It fell.
SO perfectly.
Looks like it’s clinging on no?
To hope?
To the basin?
I don’t know.
But pretty sums up my week.
I also dreamed I had a daughter. And I was trying to win her love. It was the first time I’d met her. I was so excited when she wrote ‘mom’ in her journal.
OK, so, my daughter was me. And I was showing her around. So fearful she wouldn’t like an aspect of me.
My life was ‘disturbed’ and I had to make a decison to DECIDE.
Who do I want? Who do I want to be? Who would I be proud of being a year from now, or even a month? And is it worth it?
I think honesty is ‘worth it’. I think being who I am is ‘worth it’.
I’m a wreck. lol. A total and complete hot mess. But, I own it.
You can ‘SEARCH’ any topic and find it. It’s not like I’m a secret. It cracks me up, because the one person who has lived through me, my son, loves me. Not just loves me, but likes me.
He’s not completely happy right now. But, I know he comes from a good place.
And I DO know (finally) what I want YES! I’m finally going to ‘want’ something.
That is … the toes that touch me at night. The job that pays for my bills and I look forward to going to, the laughter we FINALLY had today on the couch and the bonkers artistic, animal hoarder love shite that goes on everyday~
Musings from the Laundromat: Twirling Umbrellas and Alien Babies Edition
Someone is twirling the rainbow umbrella furthest from me.
Sitting there and just spinning it.
When I walked in there was no one at the twirling table.
No one at all.
I had the place to myself again for a while.
I saw this sign and after filling my machines, had to take a photo of it for you.
I saw the figure and thought, “It doesn’t look like it fell. Looks like it’s relaxing on the floor.” Then I thought maybe it DID fall, but then was trying to play it off like “I meant to do that.”
If I fell here, I’d hope to look as nonchalant about it as that little figure.
Twirling lady has left. There’s now just a man at the counter chatting with the laundry lady.
I remember loading the machines and leaving. Taking the opportunity to run errands. That was before I mused for you.
Oh, I got my car back Wednesday. And Friday it was back in the shop after overheating.
Got it back the same day, but I’d be lying if I said I’m driving it with any confidence.
I feel like I’m hemorrhaging money when it comes to my car. The fridge is pretty empty.
We DID have leftovers in there for a small time – from my son and his girlfriend. They had been to Vegas and stopped at red lobster.
The leftovers had since run out of ‘time’ so I put some of the crab in the cats kibble bowl. Then I thought I’d do an alien hand thing – and my honey created this. Cracked me up.
The look on Butter’s face is classic.
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Just went and refilled my coffee and was stopped by the laundry lady. We had a little chat.
She made coffee last week for me and I didn’t come. How sweet is she?
“I reset the WIFI and made a pot.”
“Yeah, I was out-of-town.” (Which, is technically true as I was across the river in another state.)
She then told me about another regular that she’s worried about.
She didn’t show up either – she’s undergoing chemo.
“You should get her number next time she comes.” I said. “I bet she’d like having someone check on her.”
“Yeah, I should. I’m the only one she let’s do her laundry.”
I can see why.
I love my laundry lady. ‘My’ laundry lady lol.
But she is mine. Another person I adore in my collection of people I adore. I treasure her. I love that I’m ‘her’ regular too.
My life right now
So, Jim is working on 4 paragraphs about ‘life right now’.
For a very interesting project.
I thought I’d give it a shot.
I don’t think there’s a word count, so technically, I could be done right now.
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Life. Everyday I am alarmed at my alarm. No pun intended. It’s obnoxious. And loud. And nothing ‘snooze’ mode will help.
Tonight, I was bitten 4 times by my sons hamster. It hurt. But, no, I did not fling it.
I have always loved rodents. Hamster is lonely. Master is gone a lot. Mother is lonely. Son isn’t technically around a lot. I mean, when he IS around, it’s ‘technically’ – games and such.
Anyway, this happened.
Clearly, son did not care about the four bites I took without fling mode.
The temperature of the fish tanks was of importance.
This weekend I lost my car to a tow truck, am trying to make the best of things.
Trying not to stress out.
Life as it is right now.
Honestly?
I FINALLY have someone in my life and in my home that I love. (Other than my son – that’s a given, I hope it should be anyway.)
Life as it is RIGHT NOW?? Dog is anxious to go out, I’ve got YouTube on pause and wondering about dinner.
Life in general? Is a hamster wheel. I’m not going to lie.
It’s the same thing, day in, day out.
But, I’m grateful for the job, grateful for my family.
Grateful.
We did all the cleaning today since I had my car towed away – (almost rhymed no?) so tomorrow, it will be very odd waking up to see empty dirt outside of our fence. No cars at all.
My life today? Was filled with worry – then silliness, and various states of undress. Deciding it isn’t worth it to worry anymore.
Life will be what it will be.
As Doris Day would say (Yeah, met her – at Pebble Beach) “Que Sera, Sera”
I’m just along for the ride at this point – and making sure the bills are paid. That is MY life.
Fun with a new app
So I don’t have Photoshop at work – and do ALL of our fliers and art – even designed the logo.
Found something today that had transparent images.
So yeah – had some fun with it.
My honey is into short hair – and I am SO not. But, when I IM’d im te photo of me with short hair – he said “You’re not fooling anyone.”
So I sent him the goatee thinking maybe that would do it?
Then I got creative.
Snake totally photo bombed me and my son’s girlfriend 😉
As for the hot tub – how dare they!
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On a realistic note – I’m still stressing.
Trying to live in the moment and be concious of days and weeks and months to come – and wondering if we’re even going to get married 5 months from now.
I laugh – I cry (a lot lately) – I stay grateful – but times are tough.
I would be lying if I said things are happening the way I thought they would.
But ‘things’ are happening – and they are good things.
Have to buckle down and MAKE shite happen!
After all, if a pig can be in a hot tub, I can make a wedding happen …. no?
Turning 46 – and not thinking I would (Oh, and some stuff about debauchery)
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I will be 46. (I actually had to do the math today on a calculator – I wasn’t sure if I was going to be 46 or 47 … any of you forget too?)
*TANGENT* I’ve written a couple of posts that I deleted – because they contained photos I thought were beautiful, but they WERE me in various states of undress. Artistic though – no boobs or privates. I deleted them because I try to keep this site at least rated ‘PG’ – but I’m posting these pics now – and NOT deleting because at 45, almost 46, I should have confidence. I should document myself before I sag, and I should trust that those of you reading this, are READING because you like the written word and probably have some tolerance and admiration for self-expression. I need to trust this. So here we go. The photos I posted, then woke up and thought “FUCK! That’s TOO X-rated for my site!” When they’re SO not.
*TANGENT OVER*
Me, in the ‘Sideways’ (movie) chair – the light playing on my undies is the sun coming through the wicker holes. I keep telling myself, “It’s just a bare back! CHILL!”
My legs and tummy. Jim caught the perfect angle. And again, I had to tell myself to chill – it’s not Xrated.
Just legs. And I love the light from the door window shutters playing across them.
I’ve never been one of those chicks that have multiple ’29th’ birthdays, refusing to hit their 30’s – or have ever lied about my age. Ok – to be fair, I DID age myself in my handwritten English passport when I was 20 to be able to accompany my English friend to a bar.
Totally worked.
But then before I traveled again, I had to get a freaking new passport.
Fail.
SO I was asked today: “Are you excited about your birthday?”
And honestly, for me at least, the older I get the less excited I get.
I’m just surprised and grateful to be alive after all the debauchery in my 20’s. I seriously, SERIOUSLY did NOT see me making it to 40.
Although, two things consistently happen on that ‘special’ day.
1. I wake up and have that momentary “It’s my birthday!” thought.
2. I want to look pretty for the day.
So when I took my quick-lunch and headed to Ross with a $9 limit (in my head) for a new dress – I was happy to leave the store with a $7.49 clearance outfit that will give me that ‘new outfit feeling.’
That feeling is so funny isn’t it?
Unless people see you week after week in the same stuff, if you’re wearing something new, no one else knows it, yet – you carry yourself differently. LOL!
Anyway – back to being an adult and not thinking I’d make it there.
I was a VERY good girl in my youth. I was. And when I hit my 20’s, I guess I felt like I had to make up for lost time.
I dated some bad boys.
I became the epicenter of some very bad things.
I recall one night, at a warehouse rave that even cops would enter, see the debauchery and decide, “Um, yeah – no – we’re not getting into this” when I had tried Ecstasy for the first and only time.
I was in the VIP room – my boyfriend at the time was DJing the event.
We were in a circle just chatting.
When everyone suddenly hushed. Now, I’m feeling good. And enjoying the moment and keep talking.
I noticed the look on everyone elses faces … and look up.
And there is a gun.
To my head.
What I hadn’t noticed, was that the host of the party, was sitting on the ground, execution style (on his knees, hands behind head) with another gun to HIS head.
They asked us to remove all jewelry and were taking the money the host charged to get into the event.
The first words out of my mouth??
“You just ruined my high.”
These were crazy times. Bonkers days that rolled into nights and back into days and “Shall we go get breakfast?” as we squinted at the sun.
There was retaliation that night.
And shortly after – a friend of ours was tortured and killed.
Dangerous times.
And I know who was behind it – and for the life of me – or for his life, I cannot remember his name.
And I’m sorry for that.
And I’m sorry that I was a part of that world.
I was also given a knife and much trust in watching the door for other raves – taking money in a city RIDDLED with gang activity.
Me?! The innocent British girl who was still playing with Barbies until 16?
So, you can see – that my 46th birthday was not anticipated.
I can thank my son for that.
But I do think back – and I look at my life today – and I think, anyone can change.
I don’t see hopelessness where others do.
I don’t see losers where others do – because ‘losers’ are a state of mind – or a stage of life.
I STILL see SUCH good.
And so tomorrow – I will be SO grateful to have reached 46. FORTY FREAKING SIX! With a healthy, loving, talented son and an amazing, talented, beautiful fiance – and embrace my years.
Debauchery Soup 