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A weed and a daughter

I had a dream.

Bonkers dream.

Covering a naked mole rats head in some sort of adhesive and putting sprinkles on it!  It’s head was covered in sprinkles  THEN! You got to clothe it. UG!

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What the fudge was that about?!

Then my honey pulled weeds and one lingered by the gate – and I saw a naked mole rat in it.  I put it on the counter ledge and it fell.

It fell.

SO perfectly.

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Looks like it’s clinging on no?

To hope?

To the basin?

I don’t know.

But pretty sums up my week.

I also dreamed I had a daughter.  And I was trying to win her love.  It was the first time I’d met her. I was so excited when she wrote ‘mom’ in her journal.

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OK, so, my daughter was me.  And I was showing her around.  So fearful she wouldn’t like an aspect of me.

My life was ‘disturbed’ and I had to make a decison to DECIDE.

Who do I want?  Who do I want to be?  Who would I be proud of being a year from now, or even a month?  And is it worth it?

I think honesty is ‘worth it’.  I think being who I am is ‘worth it’.

I’m a wreck.  lol.  A total and complete hot mess.  But, I own it.

You can ‘SEARCH’ any topic and find it.  It’s not like I’m a secret.  It cracks me up, because the one person who has lived through me, my son, loves me.  Not just loves me, but likes me.

He’s not completely happy right now.  But, I know he comes from a good place.

And I DO know (finally) what I want YES! I’m finally going to ‘want’ something.

That is … the toes that touch me at night.  The job that pays for my bills and I look forward to going to,  the laughter we FINALLY had today on the couch and the bonkers artistic, animal hoarder love shite that goes on everyday~

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A letter to my mom

momandme

I get it.

After years of not understanding, I get it.

When my son fell in love – it was so painful, and all I wanted was it for to be the RIGHT person.

This past Christmas, you gave me a card that read:

‘Daughter, Even though you’re all grown up, there’s a part of me that wishes I could give you want you want most at Christmas.  But I know it’s not as simple as a doll or bicycle anymore. You have hopes and dreams of your own – things I’m sure you carry in your heart with the word ‘someday’.  And though I can’t give you those things myself, I hold them in my heart too.  And I’m always hoping you’ll have whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and loved..  Because that’s exactly what you deserve.”

I cried reading it.

You put  a lot of attention into cards. I know this because it’s how we’ve always been. I keep EVERY SINGLE CARD!

It takes me forever in the card aisle – I’m bawling or laughing and spending way too much time.

Let’s cut this to the chase.

Mom.

I’ve cried wolf a bunch of times.

Every time I’ve said “I’m in love” I know you’ve cringed.

I know it because internally, I was cringing too.

I, for a while, was in love with the idea of being in love.

You knew it.

I knew it.

We played that game.

But I grew.

And I finally fell in love with myself – and became a great mom in the process.

There was one person I could not get out of my head.

James.

Never.

Never did he leave my thoughts.

We had everything in common but I was young and dumb. (As you know.)

I had countries to explore, mistakes to make – relationships to one day compare ours to.

You’re the mom who will bury someone who hurts me up to their head in sand and plant honey and ants around them. lol.

He will never hurt me.

I guess what I need you to know is, I fell in love with an old best friend.

And I finally found someone who I know my son loves.

Your grandson.

And knowing how much you love him is important to me.

He loves you that much back.

You were a second mom to him – and we couldn’t have made it without you.  At all.

Coming home from work, and you rocking him to sleep to that Irish lullaby – priceless.

And I thank you.

And I love you.

And I appreciate you.

And I adore you.

I think of our time in England, when you did everything you could – made me dresses, saved up for birthday dolls – and struggled – and I love you SO much for all of that.

So I hope you’ll believe with my clear and understanding and appreciative eyes, that I now know what love is.

Finally.

And no, he’s not a doctor or a lawyer. lol.

He is the man I truly love.

Always have.

And I know you’ll appreciate that.

He’s an artist.

Like you.

And he’s funny. And beautiful.  And tough. And does what it takes to make it.

I respect that.

I can’t love someone I don’t respect.

But you’re just like him.  An artist, and funny, and beautiful.  And tough.  And have always done what it takes to make it.

We made it.

And your card came true.

I love you mom. x

Slipping through my fingers

I just returned from a special day with my mom.

Driving home it was 111 degrees in my car, but I had goosebumps on my skin while listening to this song.

It is our song – no doubt.

We both cried the first time we saw this scene in a local movie theater.  For different reasons I thought at the time, but now I’m not so sure.

I had chosen the soundtrack for the car ride today as it was our special mother-daughter day.

She mentioned Dancing Queen and how she related to it and to the part of the movie when Meryl Streep said “I used to have fun.”

She told me one day I would understand.

I reminded her that ‘one day’ had come.

I look back now at the days before I was a mother.  When I was the Dancing Queen – young and, okay, not so sweet.  But God did I live!

I know she did too.

She was young and beautiful and had hopes and dreams.

I do understand.

I keep catching up to points in her life all the time – and all the while she’s having new experiences that ‘one day’ I’ll understand.

“Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time”

_________________

 

I wonder if my mom knows how much she still means to me.

I watched her today, on a spa table.

She was on her back, eyes closed – golden red hair splayed out around her and she looked … so beautiful.

“Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it …”

I said nothing for a while – just stared at her.

This woman who was my entire world when I was that school girl.

She lay there, very still, lit by artificial light – as if she were no longer alive.

I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

“You’ll make a beautiful corpse.” I said.

She smiled.

We have a wicked sense of humor.

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“Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers
Slipping through my fingers all the time”

The thing about becoming a mother, is that it’s the exact moment we realize how much our own mothers love us! 

Then in necessary irony, the universe shifts the pull of gravity from her to our own children.

But as my child becomes a man, I find an unmistakable pull back to the woman who once had my whole heart.

Today I wanted to soak up every second I had with her – catching glimpses of the woman who once sat brushing my hair, making my porridge, stroking my forehead.

“Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone, there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny”

As I dropped her off home –  we both said our I love you’s and good-bye’s …  I suddenly wanted to never say good-bye.

I wanted my head in her lap as she stroked my forehead  – I wanted to see her dance and to talk about her hopes and dreams.

She got out of the car and turned and waved …

“Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness”

Slipping through my fingers all the time.