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A weed and a daughter

I had a dream.

Bonkers dream.

Covering a naked mole rats head in some sort of adhesive and putting sprinkles on it!  It’s head was covered in sprinkles  THEN! You got to clothe it. UG!

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What the fudge was that about?!

Then my honey pulled weeds and one lingered by the gate – and I saw a naked mole rat in it.  I put it on the counter ledge and it fell.

It fell.

SO perfectly.

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Looks like it’s clinging on no?

To hope?

To the basin?

I don’t know.

But pretty sums up my week.

I also dreamed I had a daughter.  And I was trying to win her love.  It was the first time I’d met her. I was so excited when she wrote ‘mom’ in her journal.

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OK, so, my daughter was me.  And I was showing her around.  So fearful she wouldn’t like an aspect of me.

My life was ‘disturbed’ and I had to make a decison to DECIDE.

Who do I want?  Who do I want to be?  Who would I be proud of being a year from now, or even a month?  And is it worth it?

I think honesty is ‘worth it’.  I think being who I am is ‘worth it’.

I’m a wreck.  lol.  A total and complete hot mess.  But, I own it.

You can ‘SEARCH’ any topic and find it.  It’s not like I’m a secret.  It cracks me up, because the one person who has lived through me, my son, loves me.  Not just loves me, but likes me.

He’s not completely happy right now.  But, I know he comes from a good place.

And I DO know (finally) what I want YES! I’m finally going to ‘want’ something.

That is … the toes that touch me at night.  The job that pays for my bills and I look forward to going to,  the laughter we FINALLY had today on the couch and the bonkers artistic, animal hoarder love shite that goes on everyday~

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If you love someone – get them out!

Nic will be 18 in 18 days.  I’ve struggled with this, of course, I want to keep him close.  I don’t want his childhood to be over.  I don’t want to lose what we have. 

But God doesn’t have grandchildren. 

Nic has his own life waiting for him.  AND, it is HIS life.  I can want things for him – as parents, we do that.  But unless he wants something for himself, it’s not going to happen. 

I could hand him a golden ticket to an Ivy League university – all expenses paid, but unless he WANTS to pursue academics, it would be a waste.  

Tonight, my sons eyes lit up and I saw in him a ‘want’.  A want that I can totally get behind.

My mom just returned from England.  She was visiting my Nannie who just turned 90. 

 I was born in Windsor, England.  Lived there until 1980, when we immigrated to the US.

Before that move, my mom and I traveled.  We went from France to India cross-country.  That deserves a post of its own.  But suffice it to say, I experienced A LOT.  We were crossing borders before they shut them down, Argo had nothing on us. 

I digress.

Nics eyes were shining.  We had been to my moms to collect the bits and pieces she brought back for us. 

Photo time!

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The English sweets I requested.

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Nic with the Union Jack he requested

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Me counting the English currency left over. No, I didn’t get to keep it.

Now look at this photo – this was taken around the corner from my house. 

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It says ‘Get Out’.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know who sprayed that on there.  I’m sure there’s an interesting story behind the tagging. 

Get Out.

Back to Nics shining eyes.

I still have a lot of family in England.  And friends.

Nic has said before that he wants to go to the UK. 

He’ll be graduating High School in May.  My mom will be returning to England in July-ish. 

I will be getting paperwork for a passport.

I will be saving every penny I can save.

I will push Nic out of this desert nest and into my home country.

I want him to have an experience.  I want him to make some memories.  I want him to be submerged in other cultures, other languages, other ideas and lifestyles.  Nic wants this too.

I imagine him traveling to France, perhaps staying in a Hostel.  (Hopefully not one out of that horror movie!) 

Meeting family members he’s never met before.  Spreading his wings and figuring out what he wants next. 

I will miss him.  I don’t want him just going for a few weeks – I want him to take complete advantage of being overseas. 

I WANT to miss him.  I want him to return (if that’s what he chooses) and have a purpose.  Not be stagnant in a small town and enrolled in community college, while vying for one of a few part-time jobs in this area.

Hopefully, he’ll return with memories of adventures and an idea of what he wants to be and how he wants to achieve that.  And I’ll support whatever that is too.

My mind is reeling trying to think of how to make this happen for him.  What can I sell?  How can I save?  I will do this. 

I will do it as if his life depends upon it – because in a lot of ways, it does. 

A taste of ’empty nest’

My bird is spreading his wings.

I find myself alone on a school night while he enjoys an evening with a friend.  I’ve been catching glimpses lately of ‘life sans bird’.

I’ve wished sometimes I could go back in time and speak to the younger me, warn of pitfalls, give sage advice and offer tips for succeeding in ‘life’.  But I wouldn’t have listened to me – who am I kidding, and really, who would I be if I hadn’t made my mistakes?

It’s with this knowledge that I know I can’t save my son from  making his own mistakes.  And would it really be ‘saving’ – after all, we only grow from experience.

He’s going to get his heart broken.  He’s going to break a heart.  He’ll find himself in precarious situations and he’ll know disappointment and loss.

My hope is that I have made an impression on him.  That he’s seen through example that gratitude, hard work and faith can make life so beautiful.  My hope is that adversity will not stop him from flying and that he ends up soaring.

Every day I tell him “I love you” and every day we laugh.  I apologize when I’m wrong or when I’m sour.

I’m so excited to watch him become the man he’s meant to be!  It’s like reading a book that you love from the very first page.   Not wanting to put it down – savoring every word and every chapter!!  The best part though, God willing, is unlike a book – I’ll see my favorite character continue to grow and be a part of his story.

I can’t describe with adequate words how very much I love my bird.  From the moment I heard “It’s a son!” My first word to him “Hi” (lol) I’ve been in love.  I watch him with wonderment.

Whoever he decides to be,  whatever path he decides to take – I’m truly blessed to have had the privilege of even knowing him.

I am my favorite person in the whole world’s mother.  What a gift!

I’ll be OK when the nest is empty – because I’m not lonely alone.  I like myself.  I hope that example most of all has made an impression on him.  I think it has.  Pretty sure I’ve raised a young man who is comfortable in his own skin.

Blessed.