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Thankful … every day
Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
I’ve been reading my friends daily statuses declaring what they’re thankful for – been skirting around the people hovering over the turkeys in the grocery stores, and rolling my eyes at the premature Christmas commercials.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Grinch.
I love this time of year – the Season that squeezes out a little extra joy from people. I don’t even mind the decorations being up early, it’s nice to see festive lights and warm sentiments on a chilly day.
That being said – I’m not really a ‘Thanksgiving Day’ fan.
For a few reasons. One being that I’m from England and didn’t grow up celebrating Thanksgiving. There is an equivalent in the UK, ‘Harvest Festival’ – I recall it lasted longer than one day, but the premise of being thankful and contributing food to the community was the same?
I also have a problem with the whole Pilgrim/Indian story angle. A tale of a peaceful, bountiful meal shared between two blended cultures. Historically accurate? Um, no. Here’s a great article: What Really Happened at the First Thanksgiving? The Wampanoag Side of the Tale
The Indians – Native Americans – were ultimately wronged. And you can color that however you want – but I’m not buying it. Not even if it’s on sale at midnight at one of the greedy chain stores.
Another reason I’m not a huge fan of the fourth Thursday of November … the day after it.
Black Friday is a most obnoxious example of consumerism. The fact that it comes directly on the heels of the day when people are supposedly thankful for what they have, just makes it even more obnoxious in my book.
The only part of Thanksgiving I can get behind, (other than eating stuffing and brussel sprouts) is the Giving of Thanks.
I’m of the mind that we should be doing this every day – but, the fact that a day is set aside for it is certainly a beautiful thing.
So, with 2013 drawing to a close – I’ll share with you what I am most thankful for this year.
Rainer
When I chose to watch the documentary Hitlers Children on May 25th – I had no idea what effect it would end up having on my life.
A random selection on a topic I wanted to know more about – turned out not to be so random. I was learning of Rainer’s existence on the day he came to exist. His birthday.
As I sat there, crying – completely undone by his need to be a part of some change in the world – to take something horrific and find something good to do with it – I was moved to write my post ‘There is Such Good.’
What happened after that was a chain of events that led to becoming a small part of his big world.
www.daserbedeskommandanten.com was born and more than that – something very special cemented between us after over a thousand conversations.
There IS such good – and Rainer is good. Er ist mein Held.
My friends
I have the most amazing friends. I don’t get to spend much time with them, but it doesn’t seem to matter. When we are together, it’s as if no time has passed.
From my sweet friend that has the uncanny ability to show up without me having to say ‘I need someone to show up’ – to the friends I work with who make every day magical and my California friends that reach out and keep me laughing via Facebook.
And then there is my ‘BF’. The miles that separate my best friend and I are creatively bridged with daily chats – sharing of jokes and photos, quotes and discussions. I miss her – but we are always connected. There isn’t a room in my home that doesn’t have a piece of her in it.
When I am going through hard times, or joyous ones – all of my friends are there for me. And I hope they know, I am always here for them.
I’m so fortunate to have people in my life who love me for who I am, who think differently than me, who are genuine and trustworthy. For that I am so blessed and very grateful.
This blog
I love to write almost as much as I love to read.
I’ve been able to purge and process major life events here with you. I am all over the place with this blog, I know, but, there is a common theme.
Life.
Motherhood, daily concerns, stress, happiness, gratitude and venting – all here. Interviews with amazing people and photographs of things that caught my eye. All here. All me. All shared.
I remember being so nervous about going public – but I had to be brave. I wrote for a while anonymously, with only a few trusted friends knowing where to find the blog. Now when I publish a new post – I immediately tell the world.
I really am an open book – I can’t comfortably function in life with secrets. I can’t comfortably live in my skin without truth.
This blog has been very comforting.
My job
Yes, it’s been a topic I’ve vented about. But, just work in particular, not my specific job. I love my job. The other day when I was walking to the kitchen in my building – I felt … at home. I love the people I work with. We are like a family. And, I am very aware that I am fortunate enough to have a job that makes a positive difference in people’s lives. I get to be a part of someone obtaining a home.
I am also very grateful for my part-time job – although I complain about that too. (I really need to stop complaining.) Again, it isn’t ‘the job’ that I vent about – it’s more so the fact that I have no choice but to do it.
I think I hoped that by 44, my ducks would be in more of a relaxed row – but I still struggle. Struggle is good – it makes us strong – but I think I’m done doing everything by myself now. I’m tired and ready for the next chapter in my life.
My son
Oh Nicholas. The center of my world. The person that genuinely makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. The boy who taught me what true love was and became a man who teaches me more about myself than he knows. I would lay down and die without hesitation for my boy.
I also choose to live for him. To be the best person I am capable of being for him. I wanted to give him the world – and this year, I am so grateful that he was able to see some of it!
What started as a hopeful dream – a seemingly unobtainable goal – happened. It really happened. Nicholas spent a month and a half in England. He met family and friends, visited the city I was born and the street where I grew up.
I’m so grateful he was exposed to another culture – to history – to his own heritage. I hope he looks back on that trip with fondness for the rest of his life – and I pray he adds more adventures and never stops exploring our beautiful world.
Everything
Truly. Just … everything.
Everything I have, everything I don’t have. I am thankful for my family, music, art, dreams, stories, animals. For hope and love and butterflies in my stomach.
Everyday I am thankful for waking up. For the ability to see colors, hear sounds, smell fragrances – feel, hold, touch and to think (too much <– right Rainy? lol)
I am thankful for diversity, variety and for sameness too – I am thankful for humanity and … I am thankful for you.
Musings from my bed: Laundromat procrastination
I should already have my laundry basket prepared … my detergent packed – my bed stripped. But, I’m too comfortable in it to strip it. Too snuggly in my soft pajamas to do anything but stay in this quiet moment.
It’s inevitable – if I want clean clothes and sheets – and I am fond of such things.
But just this moment – right this second – it is SO deliciously quiet and peaceful and calm.
I have my cup of coffee, of the home made fancy variety.
Butters is outside exploring. Nic is sleeping. And the sun is hitting my curtain in a way that makes me smile.
It’s been a long few days.
Nicholas is experiencing the joy of becoming wise – in a most painful way. Yes, the wisdom teeth.
Well, ‘tooth’ as far as we can tell with all of our dental training.
Unfortunately for my chipmunk – he has an infection (again, educated guess based on the level of pain and size of his cheek.)
Last night, as we sat on our opposing couches, he suddenly jumped up and rushed to the kitchen.
Me: What??!
Nic: I think something just happened.
(I pretty much knew ‘something’ must have happened because Nic doesn’t move that quickly off of furniture for ‘nothing’.)
It turns out, that ‘something’ was an abscess rupturing in his mouth.
Not pleasant.
Me: Rinse with warm salt water!!
(Nic was already holding the salt – note to self: He DOES listen and retain advice from time to time – keep giving it)
I should take a moment to explain why I am not a terrible mother for not having had him seen by a dentist yet.
We were pretty sure a wisdom tooth was coming in – and he was in pain. But, as I said to Nic, “Of course you’re in pain, you are teething.”
It wasn’t until Halloween that he developed the swollen face.
I’m not going to go into details and pity stories – the long and short of it is, we don’t have health or dental insurance and we don’t have ‘in case of emergency’ money.
I spent Friday at work trying to figure out how to get him to a dentist.
So after the great ‘rupture’ he was actually feeling better.
Nic: Mom, look, I think it’s a good thing. I can bite down now. I don’t think I have to go to the dentist!
Me: Um … an abscess popping in your mouth isn’t a check mark in the ‘reasons I DON’T have to go to the dentist’ column.
Then he was sad. Spitting remaining salt water and drool into his little spit cup.
We had engaged in conversation earlier about the reality of the situation. I assured him his health was priority one, but that might mean Christmas would not be the same under the tree.
We spoke again when I visited him in his room.
Nic: I don’t want you spending money or owing money
Me: It is what it is. It’s important! Money can be replaced. It’s silly isn’t it? These pieces of paper that we trade for goods and services. Sure, it would make things easier if we had more of it – but we don’t. We’re blessed though. Everything always works out. So, don’t worry about it.
And we are blessed.
We’re alive – have use of our limbs and our faculties. We have a home and food and snuggly pajamas. We have each other and Butters. We have clothes TO wash and transportation TO get to the place to wash them.
And we have sunlight playing on our curtains. And the kind of eyes and souls that notice such things – and smile.
Pitypause
I’m going through a mild case of ‘pitypause’ again.
Not to be confused with menopause – there are no night sweats, but mood swings are similar.
Pitypause comes and goes – symptoms include sadness, insomnia, unusual desire for cake and decreased desire for conversation. Which, for this Chatty Cathy is quite eerie to those around me.
Yes, pitypause affects others.
There is a cure.
It’s called ‘Count-Your-Blessings’. It’s effective 99.9% of the time.
I was in danger once more of losing my last marble this weekend. So I took action!
The marbles I bought a while ago, to replace the ones I lost during my last bout of pitypause, have been safely placed in a happy looking bottle.
I’m keeping a close eye on them . I think it apropos to place them next to light. My marbles need all the positive energy they can get.
If someone you know is going through pitypause – be patient, offer an ear, a hug and push cake at them … from a safe distance.
Musings from the Laundromat: Bad neighbors, Babies and Berlin
It’s topsy turvy at the laundromat today – which pretty much sums up my weekend. Things I need to do have not been done … yet. I almost put laundry off until tomorrow night, but a burst of ‘get your arse moving’ kicked in.
So I’m here and there’s only 2 other people currently. Yet, my favorite seat is taken, there was no yellow coil cash card or laundry cart available – and my favorite machines were taken.
Talk about out of my comfort zone!
I’m ok.
I’ll be ok.
This weekend brought the unexpected – and I am glad for it.
Friday night, not so much. My neighbors, who form the other two parts of a triangle like configuration with our houses, decided to get into wild screaming matches. Not with each other even!
One house must have set the other off … “Hey, listen to them screaming and smashing things – we have to join in!”
I can be light about it now, but it was very uncomfortable at the time. I never know when to step in. It’s late on a Friday, they’ve maybe had long weeks and a few drinks and arguing isn’t against the law.
But when you hear threats of hitting … it’s hard to know if someone is in danger or if it’s just bluster. My inner child cringes though.
I can’t even stand my son slamming things around the house. Even in jest. I beg him not to do it. My stomach clenches and a whoosh of tangible fear travels the length of my body.
So suffice it to say, when there are angry raised voices and smashing and screaming – I don’t like it.
I awoke early the next day – 5:30 to be exact. I was incredibly tired, but I’ve long since lost the ability to ‘go back to sleep’. Once I’m up, I’m up.
It was still a little dark outside. And peaceful.
I sat clutching my coffee and gazing up at the sky – then a thought came to me. Wouldn’t it be great to stand between the two houses that offered me such audio the night before and just start screaming?
Wake THEIR arses up with a taste of their own medicine.
Of course, I didn’t do it. I’m a lover not a fighter.
I had little motivation the rest of the morning – I just sort of scooted from one spot to another in the house.
Then the phone rang. My boss has connections at the venue Berlin was to be playing that night. I’ve been wanting to go ever since I saw the first advertisement. Yes, he could secure me two tickets and we’d arrange later to meet up.
Color me happy!
I spent the rest of the day doing less scooting and more horizontally. I put golf on the tv and had a short nap. It’s not that golf bores me to sleep by the way, it’s more of a comfort memory. The soothing tones of the commentators and soft claps from the gallery make for great white noise.
I awoke to Butters barking her head off. She’d really been doing that all day – false alarms. But this latest bark was in fact announcing the arrival of a guest. Two to be exact.
A friend and her grand baby.
I love this friend. We’ve worked together … well – in the same field and do business together – for 10 years.
I love that she just thinks to ‘stop by’.
She has a vibe to her that I won’t do justice if I try to describe. You know I’m going to try anyway though.
She’s unpretentious and comfortable to be around. She’s funny and warm and has dimples that join her eyes when she’s smiling.
You can’t meet her and not like her. You know how you’ll come across someone every once in a while who just has ‘that something’ and you can’t put your finger on it? She has that too.
Okay – here’s her description lol: she would be the person in the animated forest that all the animated woodland creatures came to hang out with (move over Snow White.) Only, she would be saying “get the hell off me” with a laugh in her voice and the woodland creatures wouldn’t be offended.
I was happy she visited – and happy that I got to hold this tiny foot:
Phone rang again and now I had a meeting-up time to collect the tickets from my boss.
I had planned to do my weekend job that night – and I still could have if I gave up my visiting time.
I chose not to give up my visiting time. I know what’s important in life.
Visit over it was time to get ready for the concert.
Here’s Nic and I waiting outside for my boss. (Who happened to be waiting inside for us – isn’t that always what happens?)
Concert was amazing. I sang along to ‘The Metro’ and ‘Sex’ and of course ‘No More Words’. I love exposing Nic to genres and artists he might otherwise not hear.
Terri Nunn left the stage and stood singing in front of me – I was able to get this picture. And by the way – what a presence she has. She loves to perform and she loves to dance – you can feel it.
So here we are at the tail end of the weekend. Sunday – and I have to squeeze everything I didn’t do into it.
That’s okay though – I am blessed with new memories, old friends and teeny tiny baby feet.
Musings from the Laundromat: Simple pleasures & silver trolleys edition
It has been a perfect morning.
I walked into the laundromat today with happy in my heart and relaxed in my step. ‘Midnight Train to Georgia’ was playing on the laundromat’s radio. I greeted the lady who works behind the counter – noticing her bright pink top. “Hi” I said, “I like your top!” “Thank you” she smiled.
She walked away with a hint of a smile still on her lips as I grabbed my cash card with the yellow wrist coil. I always pick yellow if it’s available.
I loaded five dollars onto the card and toted my laundry over to my favorite machines.
And here I sit at my favorite spot about to share my morning with you.
I’m reading an amazing book ‘The Glass Castle’ by Jeannette Walls. My friend Betty gave it to me to borrow last week.
I love that I have friends who enjoy a good book. I love the fact that they think of me when they’re finished with that same book.
I woke at 7 this morning. I slept in. After making a pot of coffee and letting the dog outside, I crawled back into bed to read.
A little while later, after retrieving a cup of the freshly brewed coffee, feeding the dog and laying back down on my bed – Nic appeared in my room.
“Hey” I said, as I let my book holding arm flop down onto the bed.
He joined me and rested his head on my chest. I put my free arm around him, patting his back.
We lay there, quietly, as he blinked at the wall.
“What are you thinking about?”
“The words on the painting … looks like it says Edward Woot”
I shifted my gaze to the painting as he continued,, “I think it is Woot”.
We both knew it wasn’t. But we considered the painting until we were joined by the dog.
“Aw! Now the whole family is here!” I said.
We focused our quiet gazes on Butters. Then back to nothing. Just enjoying the moment.
Not a thing was lost on me. I held carefully and quietly in my heart the following thoughts, not wanting them to disappear.
I held the gratitude that my son still looks for me in the morning. That he likes me and wants to have a moment with me. I held the joy that we were both looking at a painting together – one he gave me for Christmas – that we both appreciate art. I savored the fact that I was holding a book – that I get such immense pleasure from reading. I was grateful for my ‘boy’ in my arms and my dog at our feet.
I digested everything about that moment – while managing to stay in it.
Our silence gave way to laughter when Butters started nibbling on her leg and I announced it was obviously bath day.
By the look of the sky, I needed to take care of that quickly. The clouds outside were grey and looked heavy with rain. I suggested to Nic that we could just pour her shampoo over her and put her out when the rain began.
I got up instead and carried my 70 pound, hairy, leg nibbling manatee into the tub.
What began as a bath for Butters gave way to cleaning – I threw myself into the task, taking the large rug from the kitchen outside so I could wash the floor. Of course, Nic took that opportunity to make himself something to eat. His timing is impeccable. I worked around him – so very grateful to have a kitchen to clean. And too grateful for the food and my son to be annoyed by his timing.
Satisfied with the clean dog, the clean house and my fed and occupied son I took my turn in the tub. So grateful for the soothing stream of water on my back.
I’ll be making a small pork roast today – and enjoying my son in between his games and the book in between time with my son.
And speaking of that book – the friend that loaned it to me finished a particularly difficult book this morning (due to the content.) She commented to me:
“By the way, I finished the horrible one I was reading this a.m. I had to see how it ended and be done with it. I learned a grocery cart in Great Britain is a trolley. I was trying to find some lil gems in it to get through it :)”
I love that she said that. That’s what we do isn’t it? Look for the gems when things are tough? Well it’s what we should do.
I replied to her:
“There’s always a silver trolley if you look hard enough.”
Debauchery Soup 