There is such good …
I find myself from time to time almost pleading Earths case to God.
I’ll share with you my nightly prayers. I always say “Thank you.” I always end with “God bless all those in my heart, on my mind and in the world, Amen.”
The meat of my prayers is usually me asking for guidance – praying for strength in areas I’m lacking.
Sometimes I pray for more patience, the increased ability to love – to be tolerant. I pray to know which path I should be taking.
When it’s a particularly sad news day though, when atrocities have been committed and we’re made aware of them – I don my humankind legal defense cap.
As if God doesn’t already know, I plead “God, there is such GOOD in the world too.” As if I’m afraid he’s going to shut the whole event down because of evil.
I have a favorite quote, by W.H. Auden.
“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table …”
I love that quote. I love how the words feel coming out of my mouth – how the thought provokes – the simple eloquence of it.
And it, for me, is truth.
I watched a documentary this morning called “Hitlers Children.” (If you have Netflix, it’s a streamable selection. )
One particular storyline resonated with me.
It was that of Rainer Hoess – grandson of Rudolf Hoess.
He looked at photographs of his father standing in the garden of the family home on the grounds of Auschwitz. Other photos showed his grandfather in that same back yard.
Later in the documentary, he took a trip to Auschwitz – his first one.
One of the questions he pondered, while staring at a photo of his father standing by the garden gate was, how could they not have known – not have seen?
He was afforded entry into that same garden and stood at that very garden gate. The house was cleverly designed with no views of the crematorium – textured glass windows on the side of the house that might let some truth in.
The garden itself was surrounded by tall walls, offering only a glimpse of outlying buildings.
I wondered what it must have felt like to stand in that location. To know that your lineage included a monster. I didn’t need to wonder for long – when Rainer lost his composure, I did too. I wept on the couch with this man who was riddled with guilt for a crime against humanity that he couldn’t possibly have anything to do with.
During the tour, he agreed to speak to a group. He was nervous – understandably. At one point, a holocaust survivor, from that camp, wanted to shake his hand.
My already wet cheeks were wet anew when this old man took his hand and told him, ‘you didn’t do this.’
They hugged and my heart wanted to burst.
There is good.
There is good everywhere if you look for it – take time to avert your eyes from your problems and worries and choose to see it!
On a personal note, I have a friend, who takes care of not only her grandchildren – but her bed ridden mother and her disabled brother and reached out to ME to offer ME help to send my son to England! She is the epitome of selflessness to me.
She smiles and though she gets tired, she’s happy and grateful and is of service to others.
GOD! There is SUCH good.
I’ll be praying tonight to be a part of that good.
Graduation
I drove away from the event center last night where my son had just graduated, alone.
I had a Gwen Stefani CD in the CD player and I felt a shift as the coin of acceptance dropped and I belted out “Ain’t no Hollaback Girl” along with Gwen.
Everything felt just … right.
Nic left the event with his girlfriend, my parents left together and I left with a smile on my face.
I have been so scared of the rapid changes in the dynamics of my relationship with Nic this past year! I needn’t have been.
Here I was worrying about where I would fit in his life. Here (Literally right here) I was worrying whether or not I’d done enough for him – done the right things by him.
Then, in the parking lot right after graduation, he picked my mom up in a hug and then shook my dads hand, and POOF! The worry dissipated.
I mentally dusted my hands with a ‘well, that’s-that then’ resolve, and a peace settled in.
It was sort of like hearing your little one say “thank you” without being prompted for the first time, or seeing them hold the door open for someone (Okay, I still feel a surge of pride when he does those things.)
In a single moment, I glimpsed Nic, the young man, and I was simultaneously proud of him and awash with an odd sensation of freedom. Freedom from worry.
When I got home, (after uploading a bazillion photos to my ipad and managing to blow my icloud memory out of the sky) I had a little time alone to reflect.
And in reflecting I was SO grateful!
I thought about all the people who had a hand, directly or indirectly, in raising my son with me.
Yes, I’m a single mom, but a whole slew of people have been instrumental in the successful rearing of my child. (And now I’m cracking up thinking of the quote from ‘Knocked Up’: Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!)
I was completely filled with appreciation and memories. Gratitude and love.
I wanted to thank every single person individually. There are people who don’t even realize how much of an impact they had on my journey as a mom.
So I try to tell people who touch my life that they have. I try to remember to thank and acknowledge the people I love, the people who love me back – and the people who love Nic.
And in that moment, when Nic had my mother in his arms – and my dads hand in his – I knew he was doing the same thing.
Pomp and indifference
“Are you scared?”
“No.”
“Are you excited?”
“Indifferent.”
“Well, maybe when you’re sitting there in your robe, and the music is playing – then it will hit you?”
That was the conversation I had with my son this morning, as he relaxed on the couch before rehearsal.
I gazed over at him – I don’t think it’s completely sunk in for me either. The magnitude of tonight.
Indifferent.
I know that’s not how I’m feeling about it. And I don’t think he will either when all is said and done.
We had a little hiccup this morning. I was sure he was to be at the event center at 7 am for rehearsal and then from there, over to his Senior Breakfast. I woke him at 6 (relishing the fact that I got to do it one more time) and sent him out the door at 6:30 ish.
Somewhere between coffee and taking the night-time braid out of my hair, the phone rang.
“Are you sure it’s here?”
“Yeah – the event center.”
“No one else is here? The parking lot is empty.”
“Hold on …” I stepped over to the desk, to the index card I had scrawled the dates and times “Oh.” (nervous ‘we’ll laugh about this later giggle’) “It’s 8, not 7.”
“I got up early for this? I’ll be right home.”
Oops.
Wanted to turn it around “Hey! You’re an ‘adult’ now, remember your own times.” Wanted to, but not enough to do it.
If I can just be his bad time-keeper for a little while longer, I’ll take it.
Should have gone to the laundromat …
It’s laundry day – and I’m not doing it.
The job I usually do Saturday night isn’t getting done until tonight either. It’s a topsy-turvey weekend.
And now there’s a palpable bad energy in the air that I’m trying to ignore for the sake of salvaging the last few hours of the weekend.
First I was up really early (there’s no such thing as sleeping in on the weekend for me.) After lounging and drinking coffee and being unable to switch the channel from some awful political show – I leaped into action.
Got the Fabuloso out (Love that stuff!) and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Scrubbed the kitchen, washed the floor – dusted the living room w/in an inch of it’s life.
Nic got up and we decided we were hungry. Seemed only Burger King would do. Now, during this discussion, as I stood in the kitchen in my pajamas, smelling of cleaning product, the phone rang.
My friend/heart-I-keep-out-of-the-jar man called on his way to the beach. And did I want to facetime when he got there? Yeah I wanted to see the beach, yeah I wanted to talk to him – but I’m standing there in the kitchen and multi-tasking and remembering I’m in my PJ’s with no make-up on and trying to remember if I’ve even brushed my teeth yet.
Facetime offer might as well have been a ‘Hey, I’m in the neighborhood and I’ll be by in 5 minutes.’
Clearly, all the uncertainty came through into my voice and so that didn’t go well. 
Nic goes to Burger King. Returns with a burger and onion rings for me – note to self: Don’t eat a sloppy burger propped up on an elbow again.
Now I’m definitely not Facetime material – ketchup slopped on my t-shirt.
It gets better. My son asks if his girlfriend can come over.
Seriously guys, I am not in ‘company’ mode. Not in person, not online – I want the couch. I want to know I have 4 hours of uninterrupted relaxation time and to feel comfortable in my ketchup splattered top!
I said no.
WWIII. Okay, not that bad, but the vibes began.
Then a death was discovered.
Nic’s hermit crab, Atlas, vacated his shell and was stuck in his climbing wall. If Nic wasn’t mourning, I might have had a more vocal reaction to him prying the crab out of that wall with my tongs!
Crab is now buried.
I’ve explained why I don’t want anyone over to my pouting son – and I’m now on the couch completely flipping unable to relax.
Anger/sadness/frustration are SO contagious! I’m trying not to catch them. Which, usually means I make everyone feel better and accept responsibility just so there can be peace.
Really should have gone to the laundromat. Then I would have been dressed for Facetime, Nic’s company could have come over and no one would be pissy.
RIP Atlas … One of us should get to.
Checking accounts and cupcakes
Gawd. One minute you’re waxing poetic about your child entering a new phase in their life, then you come home from work to him draped over his girlfriend on the couch.
Earlier, he stopped by my place of employment after school and we ended up going to the bank to open a checking account for him. You KNOW I regretted not having my camera on me. Another milestone for the scrapbook. Two major events … in one day. How much more could a future-cat-lady mom handle?
On my way home I popped into the store for dog food and got him a ceremonial cupcake to honor his big day. 🙂
(I figured I’d do the big cake thing on Tuesday, when he dons his cap and gown.)
He proceeded to find said cupcake. “For me??” I grinned, “Yes, for the last day of school.” I was feeling all warm and fuzzy at the joy in his little eyes.
My heart swelled as he reached for a knife and cut it in half. Awwwwwwww!
Then scurried off to share it with his lady.
Pfffft.
It’s all happening so fast!!! Checking accounts, girlfriends – not sharing cake with me!
So I’m alone with the dog – and it’s Friday night … Okay, if I’m being honest, the dog isn’t even that interested in hanging out with me. Probably she knows I’m a future cat lady and is mulling that prospect over.
So anyway, I’m getting yet another glimpse of my Life After Child. Lac. Very close to Lack. Coincidence? I think not.
I suddenly live with an adult who is out of school.
Holy cow.
And I’m posting stupid ecards on Facebook in between vacuuming and wondering whether or not to put my pajamas on yet.
I don’t know how ‘Amanda’ yet.
It occurs to me, this is going to be a transition for us both. Me, learning how to pull myself from his gravity field, and him … learning I still want to be offered half a cupcake.
Debauchery Soup 